"Untouchable Face"
Story by: Sadie
Song by: Ani DiFranco

This is it. This is it. I'm gonna tell JC. God, I have to. I cant hold this in anymore. I'm gonna tell him tonight. Jesus, he doesn't even know that I'm gay...I don't even know if he's gay. But there has to be something there. He has to love me too.

I reached JC's door and decided that instead of knocking that I'd just let myself in with the spare key he had given me a week ago. I was still standing in JC's entrance way when I heard the voices coming from his back bedroom.

"Listen, Bobbi, Lance is gonna be here any minute. Maybe you should go.."

"Why? JC, I don't know how to make this any more clear to you, except by just telling you flat out that I love you. I'm in love with you, JC."

"Bobbi, I...you know..that I love you too.."

Oh. My. God. How could I be so dumb? I quickly stepped back outside. Shutting the door without a noise. Is that why he wanted me here tonight? So he could tell me the truth about his perfect life with Bobbi. Shit, I'm such an idiot. And here I was planning on pouring my heart out to him, and meanwhile he was in love with her. Goddamnit. I have to get away. I can't stay here. I need to walk and think. I took my car and parked in in the park near JC's house and just started walking along the hike and bike trail. I was walking quickly, trying to sort through things in my mind. God, after all of the flirting and light touches and subtle compliments, this is what it came down to? Fuck you, JC.

***Think I'm goin' for a walk now. Feel a little unsteady. Don't want no one to follow me...Except maybe you. I can make you happy and all. If you weren't already. I can do a lot of things....and I do.***

"Sorry" I mumbled. When I bumped into some girl. I think she might've recognized me, but I didn't look up long enough. God, I didn't want to be recognized right now. I kept on walking, I guess I looked pretty pissed because she didn't say anything. Thank God. Why the hell did I let him lead me on? I should have figured in the end that he would've chosen her. JC is a perfectionist and she is perfect, their relationship, their life together and their children would all be prefect just like them. He couldn't have me fuck everything up for him and his perfect life. God, but there was no way she could love him like I do. I loved him for all of his imperfections too. His crooked teeth. His constant bull-shit ramblings. He's bizarre obsession with Chinese food and soup. His impatientness with the other guys. His always having to prove himself. God, I loved all that stuff about him, all she probably sees is a good source of info for her article, a great lay, and a perfect escort to all the award shows. Not to mention the money. Fuck her too.

****To tell you the truth I prefer the worst in you. Too bad you had to have a better half. And she's not really my type. But I think you two are forever, And I hate to say it but you're perfect together.****

Why cant you be strong? Why cant you take a chance with me? Why does it have to be wrong? Why can we just be together? Why does everything have to be perfect? Why cant we just be happy? Why am I alone right now? Why are you with her? Why do you have to be so unattainable?

****So fuck you. And your untouchable face. And fuck you, for existing in the first place. And who am I, that I should be vying for your touch? Said who am I? I bet you cant even tell me that much.****

I walked the entire hike and bike trail and now I'm back at my car. Its getting dark and decide that I don't want to walk anymore. (I'm such a pussy). I get in my car and start driving. I don't really know where I'm going, I just want to drive. I don't want to go back to my house, too much stuff there reminds me of him and plus I'd have to drive by his house on the way. Some of the first stars of the night are starting to twinkle in the darkening sky. There are so many things I could think of crying right now. Long soliloquies of unrequited love or of lonliness and heart-ache...but instead I'm just pissed and the only thing I can think of saying is 'fuck you'. My stomach growls. I realize that I never ate dinner. God, I'm starving. I see a little mom and pop place and I decide to take my chances and stop. Anything will do at this point. I sit down and a waiter takes my order of a BLT and a coffee. He brings me my coffee. Coffee. JC's practically addicted to the stuff. I laugh as a picture of him always being so hyper and spazzy comes up in my mind. No wonder, he drinks enough coffee to kill a horse. Fuck his coffee addiction. I find it oddly relieving when I say this...just to curse everything I love about him. I have nothing better to do and I can't think of anything more profound to whine about. Fuck his always being bouncy. Fuck his crooked teeth. Fuck his beautiful blue eyes. Fuck his passionate voice. Fuck his skinny ass. (I smirked at this...wouldn't that be nice). Fuck his big nose and his beautiful face,...god, his untouchable face.

***Two thirty in the morning, gas tank'll be empty soon. Neon sign in the horizon, rubbing elbows with the moon. Safe haven of sleepless, where the deep-frier is always on. The radio is counting down the top 20 country songs. And out on the porch the fly-strip is waving like a flag in the wind. And I don't look forward to seeing you again. And you look like a photograph of yourself taken from far far away. And I wont know what to do. And I wont know what to say.. Except-fuck you and your untouchable face. And fuck you for existing in the first place. And who am I that I should be vying for your touch. Said who am I? I bet you cant even tell me that much.***

I'm back in my car. That had to be the worst BLT I've ever had in my entire life. I want to go home now. I need my bed. I'm reminded that I left my cell phone in my glove-box when I hear it ring. I look at the caller ID and I see that its him. I don't answer. Eventually the ringing stops. It says I've missed 5 calls, of course they're all from him. He's always paranoid. God, why the hell does he have to care so much? I'm almost at his house now. I realize that her car is gone. Maybe I should go in..End all this shit once and for all. I park outside of his house, debating with myself. He must've seen my lights because now he's outside and staring at me. He looks pissed. Now, I have to go in.
"Lance, where the hell have you been?! I called your cell phone a hundred times and you weren't at home. I was worried."

"Sorry."

Quick. Think quick.

"Um... my sister is sick and I wanted to go see how she was doing. I got caught up talking to her. I figured I'd just tell you in person."

"Uh-huh...Well, is she feeling better?"

"Yeah, its just the flu, she should be better soon."

Casual, Believable, Smooth.

"Good, well come inside. Oh. And by the way, don't you dare ever do that to me again"

"Sorry"

"You better be."

He was smiling now. He patted my ass, as I stepped into his house. Damn him.

"So, do you want anything to drink? How 'bout a beer?"

"Sure sounds good"

Alcohol sounds really good right now. He grabbed us both a Shiner-Bock and we headed back into his pool room.

"Wanna shoot some pool?"

"Sure"
Why the hell am I here? Why the hell did I stop? I'm such a dumbass.

"Sorry I left you alone here...waiting for me"'

"Oh, don't worry about it. Actually Bobbi just left a little while ago.”

Fuck Bobbi.

"Oh really how's she doing?"

Im so sweet.

" I don't really know where my relationship is with her right now, ya know?"

Yeah well I do.

"Really? How so?"

"I don't know. Things are just different now..."

"Oh."

Fine, if you don't want to talk about it I'm not gonna make you.

I try to make a shot and miss. There's no way I can concentrate, as if I didn't suck before. Its completely futile right now. Its his turn, 03 he bends over the table, he looks really sexy. He eyebrows are slightly furrowed in concentration. Kinda like he does when he tries to hit certain high notes. I try to distract myself from thinking about him by looking outside his bay window. It beautiful outside. The sky is completely clear and black and the stars a bright...perfect. How could a night that so perfect be so screwed up?

***I see you and I'm so perplexed. What was I thinking? What will I think of next? Where can I hide? In the back room there's a lamp that hangs over the pool table. The fan is on, it sways form side to side.. There's a change in constellation, with the balls as we are playing. I see Orion and say nothing. The only thing I can think of saying is fuck you.***

Its my turn again. He's staring at me now. With those piercing blue eyes. And I can't take it anymore. I through down my stick on the pool table.

"Fuck you!"

I'm yelling and my eyes start to sting and I know I'm crying. The tears I'd been holding back all night were now flowing down my face. He just looked confused.

"Lance?!--"

I cut him off.

"Fuck you JC!"

He doesn't say anything this time. He's just staring at me again. I take in a deep breath and start yelling in one long run-on sentence.

"I heard you talking to Bobbi, JC. I heard you tell her that you love her and I heard her tell you that she was in love with you. God, and aren't you both just fucking perfect!"

He's not saying anything. I don't know what I expect him to say. God, I haven't ever even told him that I'm gay and this was how it was all coming out (for lack of better term). I look up at him now, expecting to see anger, confusion something other than the wide smile spread across his face.

"Is this funny to you JC? Poor Lancey-poo is a fag and in love with you..how cute. God, fuck you for leading me on. Fuck you for being so wonderful that I had no choice but to fall in love with you. Fuck you for not loving me back. Fuck you."

Now I'm just sobbing this over and over. He's moved closer to me now. I want to hit him, I'm so frustrated, but refrain.

***So fuck you and you're untouchable face and fuck you for exisiting in first place. And who am I? That I should be vying for your touch. Said who am I? I bet you cant even tell me that much. Said who am I? Who am I?***

He was so close to me now. I was still sobbing. I was surprised when I felt his hand brush my cheek. Wiping away my tears. His touch was so wonderful so calming. I stopped crying and just stared back into his eyes. His other hand reached up behind my neck and started stroking the back of my hair. His face and soft red lips grew closer and closer to mine before they touched. He was kissing me. God, this felt so wonderful. But I thought..

"JC, what.."

He was still smiling. He spoke gently to me, still cradling my face in his hands.

"Shhh. What you heard wasn't the end of the conversation. I told Bobbi that I our relationship had to end, because I did love her, but I wasn't in love with her. That, I was in love with someone else. This crazy blonde who cusses like a sailor."

"Who? that couldn't possible be sweet ole me.."

I was smiling now too. I was wrong and dumb and, god, it felt so good to be loved by him. He pulled me closer to him and his mouth closed around mine once again. This time the kiss was more passionate, our tongues explored eachother's mouths for the first times, and our hand began to roam. We savored every first touch and taste and caress. How could I have doubted this? This was perfect.