The Story of Freddie Benson's life

Freddie Benson at two and a half weeks

In the beginning...

Freddie Benson was born on June 21, 1983 to a Swiss goat herding father who died before his conception of a gory sheep mauling, and a Russian nuclear technician mother who worked at Cheyrnobyl. Since his father had an untimely death and left his wife, Hilda without children, Freddie was created in the back of a van in Sweden as a clone from a small portion of his father's brain tissue. However, little was known about cloning in the 80's and the tissue had been contaminated with the saliva of a Albatross who had been found feasting in the brain of his father. As a result of this, Freddie has 93.7% human DNA 5.2% Albatross DNA, and 1.2% DNA of unknown sources. Since he has approximately 5% bird DNA, Freddie's bones are hollow, allowing him to glide much like a flying squirrel or fish.

Freddie's adopted mother The Incredible Lobster Woman

The Early Years

Freddie Benson was adopted at the tender age of two to a carnie couple, The Incredible Lobster Woman and Bert the Tatooed midget. The couple was very abusive and forced Freddie to clean put the elephant stalls with his bare hands right before eating, without washing in between. After three years of this, Freddie could take no more and one night he whittled out of the bamboo cage they he was forced to live in, and snuck out of the circus in the rectum of "The World's Fattest Man".

Found at a local gas station the next morning, Freddie was mistaken for a stray dog and quickly sedated and shipped off to the SPCA where he recieved a heart worm vaccination and Rabie's shot. After three days in the animal shelter, the Vetrenarian's were shocked to find out that the "dog" they had picked up by the gas station could talk. Perplexed by this discovery, the veteranarians sent four pints of his blood to a local lab to be analyzed. The veteranarians were even more shocked when the results came back showing that he was not a dog, but rather a human/bird cross breed. Embarrased by their folly, the scientists dumped Freddie without any money, food, clothing, and only 4 pints of blood into a ditch in the bad part of town. Alone and left for dead, Freddie stumbled around the area for three weeks, eating grass and licking the residue off of shattered beer bottles by the side of the free way. When he had lost all hope, a kindly half-blind old black woman noticed him and decided to adopt him against his will.

A wooden carving of Freddie's other adopted mother

The Wonder Years

At the tender age of seven, Freddie was a strapping young chap, with his ass suntanned a nice golden brown from picking cotton in the fields nude all day. Living a life of youthful freedom, Freddie was very happy in his new home. However, all that changed one fateful night.

As Freddie and his new found mother were sitting on the porch sipping some homemade iced tea and churning butter, a rather odd smelling vagrant approached them looking foe the three and three quartesr pounds of fish intestines because he believed that fish guts are the fountain of youth. Realizing that the situation could become dangerous at any moment, Ma told Freddie, "Now skoot your little behind up into that there house and get mama her a.k., sugah." However, Freddie was too scared to find it, and he heard a scream coming from outside. He scurrued back out to see what had occured and found to his horror that his beloved mother was missing along with the mysterious vagrant.

The police later found mama with her skull cracked open laying by the side of the road. The vagrant later confessed that in a drunken stupor he thought Freddie's mama was Aunt Jamima from the maple syrup containers. He asked her for her autograph, but she insisted that she was not Aunt Jemima. The fact that she "sassed" him drove the vagrant into a murderous fury. In a feeble attempt to prove her wrong, the vagrant opened her skull with a canoopener to try and make maple syrup come out. When only brains and fluid came out, the hobo thought it was strawberry syrup and ran in horror. The hobo later divulged that his father would throw strawberries at him unrelentingly when he was a child, and as a result, he has a tremendous fear of anything strawberry realted.

Fast times at Ridgemont High

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