How-To's Ghetto Abortions Kill yourself Pimping Rod

First some background info: Back when I was in eighth grade, HBO released a documentary about Pimps called "Pimps up, Hoes down". Some where in the documentary there is an interview with a Pimp who tells of the long-hidden Pimp secret weapon, The Pimping Rod. A very special rod, passed down from Pimp father to Pimp son, it has the special ability to make your hoes shut-up when they're complaining about how they can't ho anymore because they got syphillis or what not. Anyways, with our new-found knowledge of the wonderful Pimping Rod, me and my friends Brian and Cody set out to make one. We did, and then set out to use it. Since it was Brian's house, he got to play with it first, so he went off to slice some branches off of bushes with it while we watched. About thirty seconds into his bush whacking, he lost his grip on the Pimp Rod mid-stroke, and it flew into my forehead. It hurt pretty badly, but not so bad that I bled, after that we decided that we were not true Pimps yet, and thus could not wield the power of the Pimp Rod until we were older. Let this be a lesson to all of you, the Pimp Rod has magical powers man can not yet even begin to understand, so I must include the following warnings before I tell you how to make one: Do not wield the Pimp Rod unless you are at least 18 years of age. No one under 18 could possibly be a Pimp, and only a true Pimp could ever wield the power Do not try to use the Pimp Rod for the purposes of good. The Pimp Rod was first created with malicious intentions, no man is pure enough of heart or soul to wield the Pimp Rod for the sake of justice Having a Pimp Rod does not make you a Pimp, yet only Pimps can wield a Pimp Rod. Hence, if you are not a Pimp, having a Pimp Rod does not make you one. It just makes you pawn to the powers of the Pimp Rod Okay now, the materials you will need are as follows: About 20 wire coat hangers A roll of duct tape A lighter A colorful tassel A hot glue gun A quartz crystal about the width of a quarter Some rhinestones, beads, or other little trinkets Now here's how to make it: First, take all the coat hangers apart, and flatten them out as straight as you can get them Then, bunch them all together and wrap them in as much duct tape as you deem necessary, a good rule of thumb is to have the top 3/4s with only a little guct tape, and the bottom 1/4 to have lots, for a little handle Now, use the lighter to burn off about one-half inch of duct tape from the top, and singe the coat hangers to a dark black. This is to cut the hoes open when you hit them with it, then got paint ash in the wound in order to make it scar. This gives a message to all of your hoes not to sass you, and tells all the local pimps you're an O.G. not to be fucked with. Using the glue gun, attach the tassel to the bottom of the handle Also with the glue gun, attach the quartz crystal to where the handle meets the shaft Finally, attach the rhinestones or trinkets where ever you please. One side note though, they can be attached to the shaft with duct tape to act as little knuckle-like protrusions, or be attached to the handle with the glue gun to give you the Pimpest Pimp Rod on your corner Back to How-tos Back Home