Ghetto Abortions
How-to's

Ghetto Abortions
Kill yourself
Pimping Stick

Well, here it is, the first installment in my series on how to do various things, and what an ostentatious beginning it is. I only hope that I do not set the bar for myself too high, thus making all furthur installments a let-down. Well now, enough rambling, if you came this far you really don't care what I think, you obviously want to know how to perform a professional abortion much like the unlicensed doctors perform in the back of vans in dimly lit alley ways. However, this is just the intro to this series of essays, not this particular essay, so HA! You still have to read more. Or you could just scroll down I guess if you really wanted to. Here's the intro to this essay:

Anyone who has ever had sex knows how cumbersome a condom can be, so many men prefer to get their women really liquored up and then have sex with them without one hoping they won't notice, thus producing a fetus in the woman's stomach (most likely). Well, fetuses grow into babies which require money to feed, attention so they don't grow up an asshole, and time. Now we all know your ass is to poor to be able to buy yourself eatins' let alone baby food, shooting your heroin is too time consuming to allow you to play with some stupid shit bag your baby mommy spit out of her uterus, and working full-time at Popeye's will take away too much time from your b-ball practice so you're pretty much fucked. Not anymore however. As hard as it may be to believe, all your problems can end before they even start with the following materials:

  • a coat hanger (preferably wire, plastic doesn't bend into shape very easily)
  • a pair of scissors doesn't matter if they're rusty or not (it's not like it's going into your body)
  • a straw (I have found that big straws like the ones at Burger King and Sonic work best)
  • a bag (paper works best because it is opaque, though plastic holds the fluids better)
  • a pipe or other heavy, blunt object

Then follow these simple steps:

  1. Now no women like having coat hangers stuck in their vaginas, so knock her ho-ass out with the pipe first. Just be sure you don't hit her too hard because it could kill her and you want to kill the baby, not her. Though it would be just as effective.
  2. Twist the coat hanger into a straight line with a little hook on the end (in order to grab the baby)
  3. Stick the coat hanger into your bitches hoo-hah about 8 inches deep and twist the coat hanger around until it catches onto something. This is the hardest step because if you mess up in the smallest degree, you could easily grab and tear your bitches intestines, causing her to bleed to death internally.
  4. Yank the coat hanger almost completely out hard and fast.
  5. Slowly pull it out until the baby is dangling by some part of its body.
  6. If the baby isn't dead yet, stab the scissors into it's head and open them, producing a rather large hole in the head.
  7. Insert the straw in the hole and either suck the brain out or hook a vacuum up to the straw.
  8. Put the babies collapsed body into the bag along with the brain if possible
  9. Throw the bag in the nearest dumpster
  10. Knock your bitch up again before she regains consciousness and dumps your ghetto ass.

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