Once in my life to find
Once in my life to find
He held his lover close as their bodies rubbed together. Sloppy kisses were made on each other’s faces and necks in the heat of passion. Their bodies drenched in the mixture of others sweat and the sheets wrapped lightly around them. Their labored breathing filled the room. Hands roamed, causing one to moan as the other’s touch ran over pleasure spots. Soft “I love you” ‘s were whispered, along with promises of forever and always, sweet nothings that ran chills up and down both of their spines. Their bodies fit together perfectly as if they’re made for each other.
The slow passionate friction got intense, starting to move faster and more quickly. His red lips were swollen from all their kisses and all of the biting he had down as his lover has given him sweet torture, love bites, soft touches, a licking and kissing almost from head to toe. His hooded with passion crystal blue eyes looked into the sapphire green ones who had a fire of love, lust, and pleasure raging deep in his eyes. All he could feel was the pleasure that ran through his body and his lover’s eyes boring into his as they slipped so suddenly into post-orgasmic bliss.
Once in a lifetime,
I have a chance to fine the key to my dreams
(And I know)
That its so good for me
That its so good for me
The older man pulled away from the blonde’s neck where he resided till his body and breathing had returned to normal. A dark curtain formed around their faces from the brunette’s long hair as he leaned into kiss the blonde’s face. The younger man barely responded, letting his love caress his face with kisses. The passion that they had just showed to each other drained him and strengthen him at the same time. He’d go a million miles to spend a fraction of what they shared with the man on top of him, loving him.
He lifted up a little, capturing the older man’s lips in a kiss that seemed like it would be the last they he’d ever share. His hands curled on the back of his head through the promising dark locks. He moaned at his lover’s sweet taste he’d never get sick of. When the pulled apart, a look of shock, amusement, happiness, and compassion washed over the brunette’s face and eyes.
“And that’s for?” He asked, wiping the sweaty blonde hair off of the forehead of the man underneath him.
“That is for how happy you make me.” He kissed him again.
“That’s because I love you Kev.” The blue eyes sparkled and danced as he looked up at him.
“I love you too Nicky.” Kevin leaned down and kissed the already kissed bruised lips again before moving down his neck, softly placing kisses and nibbles here and there. Kevin moved his way to Nick’s chest, laying a kiss on the place of Nick’s heart before resting his head there. He felt him sigh in contentment.
“Lets stay like this forever.” Kevin whispered, not wanting to break the love tension in the room.
Nick chuckled, “Yes baby, of course,” He yawned, ”Forever.” He hand slipped through the long soft hair that laid on his chest, going down the muscled and well-toned back. Kevin tucked himself close to the blonde, kissing his collar before falling asleep, his lover leading the way.
In the beginning,
Trouble times in my life
I needed a shoulder to cry on
Had no direction until I met you
Everything is gonna be alright
“Kev lets go” Nick impatiently called from the opened hotel door.
“Coming, Love coming” Kevin pulled his shoulder pack on and over his head before making his way to the door and closing it. Nick smiled, grabbing his hand, they made their way to the elevator. He wrapped his other arm around Kevin’s, resting his head on his shoulder. The presence in the hall was quiet and almost suffocating with love.
Kevin fumbled with Nick’s long sleeve white shirt, rolling the sleeve up so he looked presentable. The elevator came with a ‘ding’ and the doors opened. Nick quickly unrolled his sleeve, making it long, almost over his hand and followed Kevin into the elevated car. Kevin scowled, giving Nick a look a father would give to his son when he was displeased.
Nick playfully stuck out his tongue.
“Put that thing away,” The other man warned.
“Make me” Nick challenged like a child. Kevin quickly moved Nick against the cold steel of the wall. He pressed his lips to the blonde’s pouty ones, forcefully shoving his tongue into his month. Kevin’s hands placed themselves on Nick’s neck, pulling him closer. Their mouths were a battlefield as both of them fought to control the other, both moaning at the pleasure of making love to each other’s mouths. Kevin lightly massaged the scalp behind Nick’s ear, knowing how it was one of his soft spots. Nick whimpered into the kiss, accepting he has been defeated.
Kevin pulled away, “Made ya.” He smirked, making Nicks knees go weak. ‘Ding’, the elevator broke their moment and they quickly separated as an old couple stepped onto the elevator. They smiled their hellos, Kevin moving to the far side to lean against the opposite wall.
Nick looked Kevin over, seeing him in a loose blue turtleneck and black jeans. A gray stripe went across his chest from his backpack. His hair was pulled back, on the sides, into a ponytail, the rest hanging freely around his neck and shoulders. He was breathtaking, like always, in Nick’s eyes.
Looking out beyond the stars
Searching, always wishing
Often thought that love would escape me
You got the key babe
The things he’d do to him if the couple wasn’t in there. But maybe he’d be sensible to just kiss him, hug him, hold his hand. Nick felt slight anger rage through him suddenly. He couldn’t do any of those things. He knew as soon as he did or when they walked off the elevator, Kevin would only act like his brother/friend instead of lover/soulmate. They’ve always hid like this, Kevin said it was better for them and the group if nobody knew about them. He said they wouldn’t want to ruin their careers or lives, they had everything going for them. A new album, Nick working on his own CD, it would just be beat to keep their relationship a secret. Kevin would always give Nick a kiss after their conversations, ’what does he think he’ll make me forget to another day’ Nick spat in his head. Kevin was even afraid to stand within 2 feet of Nick unless it was absolutely necessary, afraid someone would suspect something or anything.
But now…
Now they were away. They just disappeared, not telling anyone. They flew to Europe, to France. Somewhere romantic but nobody knew them hopefully, ‘So we could hid’ Nick huffed. His thoughts were broken as the bell of the elevator sounded and the doors opened.
The couple walked out, turning and walked to the lobby restaurant. Kevin nudged Nick out of the elevator, smirking at how adorable his lover looked in deep thought, but as quickly as the smile came, it went.
Nick watched Kevin walk over to the front desk for something; he started to drift again. If nobody was suppose to know them why couldn’t they just hold hands at least. Sometimes Nick yearned so much just to touch him; he’d reach out and just touch his arm or hand, only to have Kevin pull away.
The other day, 2 days ago, flying to Paris they say in first class, Nick was intensively playing his Gameboy while Kevin, like always, was reading. For some reason out of the blue, Kevin took a sideways glance at Nick. The blonde was glued to the small screen, his face slightly flushed, his forehead scrunched together and the tip of his pink tongue peeking out from between his red lips. His arms and body moved as he jumped and dodged things in the game. Kevin chuckled, ‘what a kid’. That got Nick’s attention, his wide deep blue eyes met piercing green. Nick’s face turned a little redder, “What?” Kevin shook his head defensively, returning to his book.
Nick smiled, saving and turning off the game. He turned slightly, leaning over, resting his head on Kevin’s shoulder. To anyone else it looked like he was tired and leaning on his friend. He let his hand slip over Kevin’s plane chair and on to his thigh. Kevin tensed. Nick snickered, thinking he’d gotten to his lover. He ran his hand down inside his thighs, lightly squeezing. Kevin jumped and looked around to make sure nobody was looking.
“Nick stop it” He whispered, half-heartedly. Nick continued to massage his inter thigh through his long shorts. Kevin wiggled under his touch before finally pulling his hand away.
“I said to stop.” He looked up to Nick’s face, telling him he meant it. Nick’s face showed a small frown.
“I’m sorr-“
“It’s fine, just don’t” He couldn’t stop his eyes from filling with tears. “Baby it’s ok, just somebody might see. You know how careful we have to be. Don’t cry” Kevin squeezed his hand.
Nick looked down at his lap. He felt bad and didn’t know why. Why wasn’t he allowed to show him affection? Because of their fucking careers, damn reporters and tabloids. They would eat this up if they caught the two of them.
“Hey” Kevin got Nick’s attention, shaking his hand a little. ”We’re going to Paris. Be happy love” Nick looked up at Kevin’s attempt to lighten him up. Too anyone else, all you could see what a serious Kevin, just trying to get a kid to feel better, but Nick could see, in his eyes, he meant it, be happy, they were together.
‘I love you’ Kevin mouthed, getting a goofy grin from Nick, he loved it.
“I love you too” Nick whispered so only Kevin could hear. Even though Kevin has been nice about the whole thing, he gave Nick a hint of cold shoulder, getting off of the plane, going to and checking into the hotel. Nick hated every minute of it. Kevin doing that to him made his heart ache. But Kevin told him not to worry about it, giving him a kiss, which Nick responded to more then planned and ended up with them making lover to each other all night and all day yesterday.
Nick sighed, looking down at the ring on his finger. Was this even real? Why did they do this if it was so much work? He saw Kevin returning. He loved him with all his heart and he was gonna let everybody know it. He’d make sure of it.
Once in a lifetime
I have a chance to fine the key to my dreams
(and I know)
That it’s so good for me
That it’s so good for me
They walked down the sidewalk, after much pleading on Nick’s part on how beautiful it was outside and they shouldn’t waste it on riding in a car.
They kept in the same pace a friendly distance between them. Motorists, European cars and bicyclist passed them as they walked towards a small café Nick lingered close as not to walk into a sign, bumping into Kevin’s shoulder. He stayed close intoxicated by his lover’s smell. Just one kiss, one touch, all he wanted. Just as they stopped on the street corner, Nick reached out, locking his hand with Kevin’s. Kevin froze, dropping Nick’s hand and slipping it in his pocket. Nick’s face fell, sad emotion taking over. He promise himself he would cry, but a soft tear escape the corner of his eye.
He silently followed Kevin across the street and into the shop. They made their way to the back after Kevin had requested, Nick could hear mumbles of the small crowd, some in French, some in English with an accent. They sat down and he realized nobody could see them. Once again they were hiding.
Nick looked down at his lap, once again feeling sorry for himself. He always made him feel like this after he tried to tenderness, alone and neglected.
Nick saw the black hushpuppies of shoes stop at their table, a waitress or something, he heard her and Kevin talking, taking orders of food and drinks. A few minutes later she walked away. Nick was left with the eerie presence of anger confusion and loneliness.
He wanted to skip the damn lecture he was gonna give him and get to the simple kiss he ALWAYS give. But he knew he’d have to listen to the reasons why, even in Paris, over 150,000 miles away from America, they had to be cautious in public.
A sigh left from Kevin startled him. Nick was afraid to look up m he didn’t want to see the madness that probably cascaded Kevin’s face. But he hid it away like he was understanding and knew, but deep down, for Nick knowing him almost 10 years now, he realized that Kevin could control his emotions even if he was exploding all over inside.
He closed his eyes, he tried to remember Kevin holding him, telling him how much loved him. It was too hard anymore, Nick was sick of hiding, not telling anyone about them. He wanted to be normal, or as normal as he could get. He wished they could walk down the street and have people say ‘oh a couple’ and keep walking. It was too hard to keep to himself too, sometimes he’d get lost in a dream and just stare at Kevin, undressing him with his eyes from head to toe. A tear slipped off his face and onto his hand, onto the gold band that occupied his ring finger. He was lost in a relationship that was tearing him apart, he wanted out.
I was lost,
Couldn’t fine my way.
You took my hand,
And chased my blues away
Your inspiration is guiding me through
He felt lips press to is temple, he jumped. Kevin moved closer to sit right next to him, he must have been to into his thoughts. His right hand sat on the back of booth to massaged Nick’s neck. Nick leaned into his caresses, it felt good.
“Kev…” He murmured softly.
Kevin’s other hand went over his thigh, his heated breathe flowed over Nick’s ear like a tune you couldn’t get out of your head. Nick was on a high and never wanted to come down, Kevin never did this to him in public. He rubbed his thigh lovingly, kissing his cheek. Nick leaned in more as he felt his thumb and index finger run the length of his neck. A gentle moan escaped his lips.
Suddenly, Kevin pulled away. Nick felt the loss of his lover’s heat and touch. He opened his eyes, soundlessly asking ‘why’. Kevin nodded towards the approaching waitress. Nick’s mouth formed an ‘O’ before blushing lightly and down at his lap again.
Kevin gave Nick a once over, he was different today. Hell, Nick was different everyday but today, more then usual. He kept pressing on having their relationship in the open. Kevin couldn’t, he loved Nick too much to expose him to the media. He loved himself too much to expose himself to the media. And the group, there’s no doubt about it they’d lose a lot of fans and eventually have to break up. He didn’t want that, ever, and he couldn’t do that the rest of the boys. He watched the waitress put a fruit salad and water he order on the table before smiling politely and walking away. He popped a grape into his mouth, looking over to Nick who was still in the same position, with his head down.
He sighed “Nick, what is wrong with you?” Nick slowly rose his head in awe, he couldn’t believe he ask that. This was the same subject they fought over day after day, night after night, till one cracked and walked away. Both being stubborn fought a good debate on both sides but you could see who want what more.
“Nothing you’d care about obviously.” He spat sarcastically. He gave Kevin an angry glance before taking a sip of his water. Kevin stared at him.
“What in the blue hell is going through that head of yours?”
Nick shrugged and sat back.“ Shame you don’t know me well enough to know.”
“Nick I’m sick of playing games, what’s wrong”
“THIS is what’s wrong Kevin, we’re hiding. IM SICK of hiding” Nick emphasized.
Kevin groaned, running his hand over his face. “Nick we’ve been through this”
“Well fuck Kevin! I’m sorry I’m so blonde, I plum forgot!” Nick played all excited before slumping down in his seat.
“I want to at least tell the guys-“
“Nick no”
“Kevin yes! They’re our brothers they deserve to know”
“My answer's still no. They won’t understand. You know about Brian how religious he is, hell never go along with it, he’ll be crush Nick”
“But he’s our friend and your cousin Kev, I know he’ll understand we just have to give him and the guys a chance to prove them-“
“Nick no! I know Brian he won’t” Nick quickly ran his hand through his hair, growing angry at the situation. “What about our fami-“
“Will you drop it?!”
“Kevin we have to tell somebody before it leaks. What’s everybody gonna say then they fine out we’re married?!”
Memories of days gone by
Hurting, always hurting
You’ve taken my pain away, finally
You’ve set me free babe
Kevin rested his head in both of his hands, grabbing onto his scalp in frustration. “ We’ll deny it. Simple as that”
Nick looked at Kevin. He was outraged.” What happened to you?” He asked in disbelief. Kevin looked up, ”What are you talking about?” “You’ve changed so much since I fell in love with you, hell since I’ve married you”
Thoughts ran through Nick’s head of when Kevin said everybody would be understanding and caring to their relationship. Even when they got married, a few days before they flew to France, Kevin was even so sure that everybody would support even for not having them there at their wedding. Even when they ran away like this, not leaving a note of a call to tell them anything. Now Kevin was so discreet on keeping everything a secret and hush hush.
“Can we talk about this later?” Kevin tried to reason.
“No Kevin, for once were going to talk about it now.” Nick demanded, looking him straight in the eye.
“Please, this was suppose to be a nice, relaxing day”
“We’re going to talk about it and were going to talk about it now!”
“I can’t take this. I’m going for a walk. Meet me back at the hotel.” Kevin stood up, putting some money on the table before grabbing his shoulderpack and starting walking out.
Nick was right behind him, he wasn’t giving up. If he loved him at all he would hear what he had to say! “KEVIN” Nick yelled as that stepped out the café. Kevin was already on the other side of the street with Nick half way rearing him. Kevin slowly turned around to fine Nick with tears in his eyes.
“You’re going to listen to me sooner or later and if I have my way its going to be sooner...now!” Nick disputed, pointing his index finger to the ground. “We have to tell them. Our family and friends are the closest to us and they deserve to know! We can’t keep something like this from them. I’m sure they understand! God damn it Kevin!!”
“Why are you so sure? How do you know that that are going to accept that I am a man and you are a man and were in love with each other. AND THE BIG KICKER…WE JUST GOT MARRIED 4 DAYS AGO!” Kevin yelled back.
Nick was silence by his words. “Don’t you love me anymore?” He spoke quietly, ” What happened to were gonna going to tell everybody we love that were a couple? So what Kevin, were gay, we love each other. You said that’s all that matters! Remember? I’m beginning to think it’s not true anymore…” His face strained with tears “ Why are you so scared? Are you embarrassed by me Kevin? Well here let me embarrassed you some more.”
Nick took a deep breathe before bellowing, ” I LOVE KEVIN RICHARDSON! WE GOT MARRIED!”
Kevin looked around to see people had stopped and were staring. He got uncomfortable under all the foreigners’ glares.
“Nicky…” his voice dropped its anger and became low, the seductively voice that was made only Nick, made him go weak every time, “Let’s go back to the hotel and we’ll talk, ok?” He has to control himself to control Nick, just till they got back to the hotel.
Nick was taken under his spell, almost. He hanged on every word when he spoke to him like that, especially if he was whispering in his ear. His Kentucky accent and the thick voice mixed together dragged Nick in and he was anything but kicking and screaming. But not, he was going to get this out, he had to know why he didn’t want anyone to know.
“No Kevin!” he stood his ground, “Why cant we tell them? Why don’t you have any faith in our family and friends?”
The anger rose in Kevin again “ I told you why, they’ll never accept-“ “The REAL reason! What are you afraid of?” Nick interrupted.
Kevin stopped, the real reason. Could he tell him the real reason? The real reason why they couldn’t tell a single soul the earth that they loved each other, with every heartbeat, every blink, every single cell that moved the blood through their bodies. Kevin shook his head and looked down, no. Never, nobody could know. He was being selfish but it was better for everybody and in the long run it was better for them.
And Nick hit the mark, he was afraid. Afraid of losing his family, his friends, his career, his fans, his money, his music, but most of all… Nick.
“That’s just it Nicky” Kevin’s eyes tear up against his will. “I’m so scared” He took a deep shaky breath. “We could loose everything. Everything and body we worked for could go down the drain. I don’t want that for you or me. I couldn’t stand losing everything” A few tears rolled down his pale cheeks. “ I don’t wanna loose you Nicky” Nick was taken aback. He was scared just as well as Kevin, maybe they would lose everything, but so be it. It would all be worth it if they still had each other. And they would.
“Oh Kev…” he said softly. Kevin let his head drop. “I’m sorry. Why didn’t you tell me?”
Kevin looked up as he reached out for him. “I just-“ Kevin’s voice was overridden but the hooking of a horn. “NICK!” he shrieked.
It all happened so fast. One minute Nick was standing in front of him, ready to give him a hug. The next his body was flipping up over a car and lying on the ground. Kevin just stood there, like he was bolted to the ground.
The images of the car hitting Nick kept replaying over and over in his head, he couldn’t move. Some people around him screamed, other rushed to help the motionless body lying in the middle of the street. The driver even came back, freaking out he just hit a man
‘what was he doing in the middle of the road?’ Kevin heard around him
‘is he ok?’
‘call an ambulance’
'Is he dying?’
‘somebody help him’
‘oh my god’
Kevin blinked away his tears as the only figure he could see came into focus. He felt strength run through his body as he quickly rushed to Nick’s body.
“Oh god Nicky!” he cried as he pushed the people away ”Leave him alone. Don’t touch him. Damn it, let me through!”
He fell to the ground and pulled Nick’s lifeless body onto his lap. “Nicky baby, oh god. Oh god…” He wiped the blonde hair off of his forehead which was slightly flushed. “Come on baby wake up, please” He kisses the forehead gently.
‘the ambulance is coming…’ a person yelled in the distance, but all Kevin could concentrate on was Nick, his Nicky. All he kept wishing for is that he’d just open his eyes. He knew everything would be fine if he could just see his deep blue eyes.
“Where’s that damn ambulance” He cried, it seems like it had been at least 30 minutes since they had called when it had only been a few seconds.
“You gotta hold on baby, please. I need you. I’ll tell everybody about us, I swear I will, just please come back to me” Kevin leaned in burying his face into Nick’s neck as he cried. ‘Just open you eyes and tell me you ok’ Sadly… everything wasn’t ok…
Once in a lifetime
I have a chance to fine the key to my dreams
(and I know)
That it’s so good for me
That it’s so good for me
Kevin looked down at the mahogany wood casket to the tombstone that was imprinted with “Nickolas Gene Carter- Jan. 28th 1980 to Aug. 10th 2002” Below it stated:
‘Nothing is complete,
just Falling around me.
But I look into your eyes,
and everything is brighten again’
It was lyrics Kevin has found in a letter Nick had given him. He told him I was a song he was working on especially for Kevin, but the song would never be completed. Sure everybody wonder why Kevin wanted the words placed on the tombstone but he just said it was for a friend he loved with all his heart and he knew he would want it this way.
Nick’s mother, Jane, could be heard crying in the distance as she was escorted away by the rest of her family. Aaron was the only that remained, giving his older brothers casket a once over before quickly walking away, trying to hide his tears he didn’t want anyone to see.
Three of the Backstreet boys stood behind Kevin, giving him space that for some strange reason they knew he needed to be alone. Strange was it was it was Kevin’s time. They’d grieve as a group later, by his body language he needed to do this by himself. Kevin’s mind raced with memories, both the good and bad. Memories of Nick as a child, merely 13 years old. So shy and immature, unsure of what he was doing. Constantly getting picked on by the other guys for the way he whined or squeaked when he sang. Kevin always thought it was cute. It made him Nick. The countless nights they’d just hold each other for the hell of it and hug and kiss like tomorrow was never coming. Just lying in bed next to him and watching him sleep just because he was never tired when he had his beautiful angel sleeping next to him. What he remembered the most was when Nick would come to him and ask if he could sleep in his bed because he was homesick, his face was frowned and tear streaked. He always was a fool for him when he cried. He loved that he got to watch him grow up into a man, a man he loved with all his heart. He remembered the day Nick told him he loved him, well Kevin telling Nick he loved him, before leading to Nick’s confession. They were surprised at themselves but mostly each other. They smiled and shared their first kiss, sweet and innocent. And so their relationship began. It was so splendid, they were both living, until they had their fights, especially about coming out.
“If only I did what you asked, you’d see be here…” Kevin whispered to the casket. “I’m so sorry baby” The tears he fraught to keep bottled inside finally won the battle and flowed down his face.
Brian went to comfort his cousin but Howie pulled him back, shaking his head.
“I love you ok,” Kevin said to the coffin. ”I love you so much. I’ll never forget you, I swear I won’t. You’re always in my heart Nicky” He drew his hand on the closed wood. “I’ll come visit everyday too. You’ll always be with me.”
The wind blow softly, for a second the presence of his lover over took him, before vanishing just as quickly as his came, the wind stopping along the way. Kevin looked up to the skies, through the many leaves of the oak tree that shaded Nick’s new grave. He smiled up to the heavens, almost seeing Nick’s shining face, but knowing he was looking down at him, protecting him, was enough to make him smile.
He took the lone white rose out of its safety from his breast pocket, kissed it gently before laying it softy on the casket. “I’m not afraid anymore love.” Kevin took one last took look at Nick’s resting-place before walking away.
He ignored the looks of confusion and sorrow he saw from his three friends as he passed them, his eyes rimmed with new tears. He’d never felt so much pain in his life since his father died and he’d wish he never have to go through it again. The two people he loved so much, taken away from him.
He placed his hands in his dress slack’s pockets as he went to his car, fishing for car keys. He needed to get out of there, go home and curl up in bed, and just have a good cry. He felt like he should be crying more then he had but something stopped him, as if Nick was there comforting him.
He pulled his keys out of his pocket, hearing the sound of gold hitting concrete. He looked down to see a gold ring, a gold wedding ring. Bending down to pick it up he saw the ingravtion of ‘N & K… Forever.’ Lightly and lovely he caress the band, so many flash of Nick running through his head even more then before. He smiled as he slipped the left on his ring finger, it matched perfectly to the one on his right hand.
Quickly he wiped the tears from his eyes before unlocking his car and getting in, driving off, damn the cemetery road. With both hands on the wheel he saw both the wedding bands glimmering in the light. It was a shame it took Nick dying for him to realize everything he had was worth losing just for him, but he ended up losing the most important thing in his life, Nick was worth a lot more then any fame, glamour or money could ever give him. Nick held the key to all those wonderful things that now he was sure he wouldn’t even feel the same about. He sighed, he was defiantly not scared anymore.
