"Like, Yur SOOO Meen!!!!!"

"..Cuz Like, How Koud U make FUN of The HOTTTTTest Guyz EVER????"

       Hey, kids (sniffle). It has recently (sniffle) come to my attention that while the vast majority of you enjoy my wit and have no problem taking a joke (or in this case, lots of jokes) at O-Town's expense (sniffle)...some kiddies out there are less than appreciative of my good-natured banter. In other words...I'M THE VICTIM OF HATEMAIL! Oh, the horror! Can you believe it?...I know, neither can I! (sniffle, sniffle).
       I am reminded of something my mother taught me years ago...if you are wondering why someone (in this case, the hatemail-er) feels the way they do (in this case, hatred) about something (in this case, me)...you should try and put yourself in their shoes (in this case, most likely size 4 hot-pink plastic wedge sandals...teenybopper freaks where sh*t like that, right?) Seeing as how I wear a size 9 and wouldn't be caught dead in ANY shoe of the hot-pink nature, I am thinking this aint gonna happen. But my mother WAS on to something...if I could only get into the MIND of the hatemail-er. (Tight fit, but I been working out.) And the ONLY way to get in the mind of a hatemailer? I must disect the hatemail itself! Eureka!
       Of course, it must be said that, like serial killers and fashion designers, not ALL hatemail-ers think alike. There are very distinct kinds of hatemail-ers, and each should be treated individually. Oh, wouldn't Mommy be PROUD? Sigh. I can hardly wait.

       So, whaddya say we start with this nifty little piece of vermocious junk (err, hatemail) right here, shall we?

Hatemail-er #1- The Passionate, Cursing-Inclided, O-Town Deffender

You have no right to dog these guys b*tch! They worked there @ss's off on the group and look at everything the have. Can you spell P-L-A-T-I-N-I-U-M- -A-L-B-U-M? Yeah thats right, they're doing more they probably in your whole life. Which brings me to wonder that you have no life to be making fun of a band who has never done a thing but work every frickin day to please their fans! They have amazing voices and are hot! Tell ya what, when you have an album out and are making millions and every teenager in america is drooling over you, let me know, so i can make a site about you make you look like dumb @ss b*tch you are! You have no right to do ths, its fine if you don't like them but keep your frickin comments to yourself you frickin little b*tch! We don't want to hear them! O-Town's # 1 Fan FYI- Your Fan Fic Sux! You can't write for shit!  

Whew...you kiddies okay? Come out, come out, Hurricane #1 Fan has died down. SHEESH. All I can say is "pent-up anger" much? Huh. Well, I think in this case, I think the wisest thing to do would be to give you all a moment to recover, then begin the disection. Ready? Put on your hard hats, kids....WE'RE GOING IN!

You have no right to dog these guys b*tch! (1. The insertion of a curse to showcase authority. I'm cringing already.) They worked there ass's (2. Gramatical difficulties...this one looks like a doozy.) off on the group and look at everything the (3. Spelling difficulties...which often accompany grammatical difficulties.) have. Can you spell P-L-A-T-I-N-I-U-M- -A-L-B-U-M? (Unh-huh. And without your nifty little dash dividers and everything! Better question- Can you spell "they"?) Yeah thats right, they're doing more they probably in your whole life (4. The insertion of a sentence/phrase/ grouping of incoherent words that leaves me bewildered and wondering what the h*ll the little witch is talking about.). Which brings me to wonder (oh, this should be good) that you have no life (5. CODE BLUE, CODE BLUE! The most serious symptom of all- the accusation that I have no life. I'm truly envious of the life this little pipsqueak must posess.)to be making fun of a band (6. Assuming to call the boyband at hand an actual "band." Cuz, hey, who needs guitars and quality writing when you've got a guy named TyJuan choreographing for you?) who has never done a thing but work every frickin day to please their fans! They have amazing voices and are hot! (7. Assuming to pass off a subjective opinion- such as one regarding talent or beauty- as fact...Elementary, my dear Watson. Ha. I've always wanted to say that.) Tell ya what, when you have an album out and are making millions and every teenager in america is drooling over you ( Sounds fun...can't wait to be the next Debbie Gibson!) let me know, so i can make a site about you (that will) make you look like (the) dumb @ss b*tch you are! (8. More cursing..but she may redeem herself if , when I do have an album out and every teenager in america is drooling over me, she does, infact, dedicate a website to me.) You have no right to do ths (I'd bring up the whole First Amendment-Free Speech BS, but I don't want to confuse the poor lamb), its fine if you don't like them ( Well, I'm glad I have your permission.) but keep your frickin comments to yourself you frickin little b*tch! We don't want to hear them! (9. Assuming that everyone shares in her opinions...who is "we" exactly? The entire population of the "O-TOWN IS THE BEST BAND, LIKE, EVER!!!!" Club?) O-Town's # 1 Fan ( I tend to disagree) FYI- Your Fan Fic Sux! You can't write for sh*t! (10. Targeting the best staple of the website- in this case, my mock FanFic- for effect. I could only hope to be as good a writer as you. Are.)

       Okay, so upon some serious evaluation and effort on my part to get inside this girl's head....I failed. Those Ashley-naked-hot-tub- fantasies are taking up all the room.  Oh well, I tried. Moving along...

Hatemailer #2- The Short, Sweet, And Two The Point-er

you are sooooo mean!!!!how could you make fun of the best boyband????who do you listen to Barney and friends sing along songs? (Name Withheld)

Wow, that's it? That was surprisingly painless. On to the disection!

you are sooooo mean!!!! (1. The use of many exclamation points, seemingly to save time typing all those drawn-out four letter words. I can already tell, this must be a very busy, on-the-go kinda girl.)how could you make fun of the best boyband???? (2. There's that same subjective-opinion-as-fact business we saw with the first hatemail-er...and while we're on the subject..what I do -"make fun of the best boyband????"- is actually very easy, in comparison to deciding how many exclamation points and question marks to put at the ends of my sentences, kiddo.)who do you listen to Barney and friends sing along songs? (3. OUCH! Something we have not yet seen...an actual witty insult! Since she asked, I'll be honest and admit sheepishly that I have the latest BSB CD going in my stereo right now...I only drag Barney out at my keg parties.) (Name Withheld)

       Hmm...VEEEEEERY interesting. If this Princess of Wit and I could only come to some sort of agreement, I might use her as a guest columnist on the site. I'm still rolling from that Barney crack, dude!...But, we must keep going...

Hatemail-er #3- The Schizophrenic, Gender-Bender Hatemail-er

I think that your page is pretty cool except for that realy un-funny quiz about Erik's biological father!!!! What made you trash him like that for??? I think you should not make fun of o-town because if you were a true O-town fan...you wouldn't do this!!! -Andy

See, this is one of those doozers I pray told of, kiddies. It starts OUT as a nice piece of FANmail with a cheery compliment, but things start to get really ugly as the hatemail-er's other personality takes over and turns it into your average, run-of-the-mill hatemail. Confused? I don't blame you. Let's check it out...

I think that your page is pretty cool (2. Here we go. Naturally, I'm smiling, because...I'm ALWAYS smiling when I hear someone appreciates my comic efforts!) except for that realy un-funny quiz about Erik's biological father!!!! (2. Attack of the Four Exclamation Points hits us once more. And, by the way, it was a poll. A quiz would indicate that there was actually a correct answer, and on the subject of Erik's actual paternity...I do not hold the answer, sorry!) What made you trash him like that for??? (On the contrary, I would never trash Erik ! I am just trying to help him find a missing link in his past!) I think you should not make fun of o-town (But didn't your first comment indicate that you enjoyed it? Uh-oh. I think this hatemail-er's evil twin has stepped in.)because if you were a true O-town fan...you wouldn't do this!!! (Didn't your momma ever tell you that vicious comic jabs are the sincerest form of flattery?) -Andy (Andy...as in, short for Andrew? We have a possible male specimen here, ladies and gentlekiddies. I wonder if he's single...just kidding.)

       Hmmph. Well, the multiple-personalitied hatemail-er is the dozzer to top ALL doozers. You'll need to give me some time to think about this kiddies. In the meantime- thanks for your participation in this disection and I promise more will DEFINITELY come! :)