You've Got Spike
Part 4
Everyone was gathered around the dinner table, and Xander was showered and looking pretty. Anya too. They’d even passed the Spike-sniff. Which, while sounding fun, wasn’t really. Sometimes he made you shower again. And then tossed out your new bottle of scent.
“No, no. Spike is doing really well. And the money is amazing. I’m sure whom ever he is working for is making way too much money off of him. And once he let it slip that he can speak all of those languages? Why! There's no stopping all the calls! I’m also sure we can set him up with his own 800 number and make even MORE money. Perhaps I can be his manager.”
“Oh, yes. And that would make you his, what? Pimp, Anya?” Willow asked, accepting the bowl of peas she held out.
“Pimp?” Anya picked up the platter of sliced meat. “Pimp?" Anya placed several slices of meat on her plate. "Well, I don’t think that’s the right word, is it Spike?” She handed off the platter. “Will you work in the flesh, so to speak? We really could make so much more money if we could sell your body and not just your voice.”
Tara took the platter and cleared her throat loudly, looking pointedly at Dawn.
“Oh! Yes. That would be prostitution and it’s, for some unfathomable reason, still illegal. So that’s a big no.” Anya smiled at Dawn. “Prostitution, while making much sense, is bad. And illegal. Don’t become a prostitute, Dawn. Anyway, it's, so far, a dead-end type of job; No medical or dental plan, as of yet.” She smiled. "But I do write my congressman about the possibilities of taxable income. So maybe one day, yes?"
“I think, luv, the witch was just hinting that we needed to change the whole tone of the conversation, in accord of our young guest, you understand.” Spike’s eyes went to Dawn.
“No, it’s okay.” Dawn grinned and added meat to her plate before passing along the platter. “Really." Dawn let her eyes roam the room, resting at each guest. "I know what Spike does. It’s some how managed to slip past the sneaky, don’t-let-Dawn-know-what’s-up-speak you guys all suck at. And besides, I can’t read through a page of my Penthouse Letters without seeing adds for Internet or phone sex.”
Silence interrupted only by Spike’s snickering.
“I’m just *kidding*, guys. I don’t read Penthouse Letters. Really I don’t.” She took a bite. "It's just that it's always next to the Hustler magazine, I so enjoy."
Anya nodded. “And you shouldn’t. Read those letters, I mean. I suspect most of them are totally fake.”
“Yes. Hence the fact that they all begin with, 'You’re not going to believe this, but'.” Giles began.
Silence.
"What? I can't read Penthouse Letters?" Giles snipped.
Anya picked it up, ignoring Giles' peeve. “Yes! And just what sort of doctors do these people go to, and why don’t they sue?”
“Dawnie?" Xander turned big watery brown eyes on her. "A little help here?” Xander implored her.
“Huh?” Fork halfway to her mouth she looked at Xander. “Oh. Right.” She put down her fork and reached over to cover Xander’s ears with her hands. She cleared her throat. “People? No talking about s. e. x. in front of the X. a. n. d. e. r.”
“Oh, yes, of course, what was I thinking? Terribly sorry.” Giles said around a grin.
Willow, blushing. “I’m sorry. I forgot.”
Buffy stuck her tongue out at Xander. “Dawn never stops the sex talk for me! Why are you so special?”
Tara looked down. “I just wasn’t thinking. I wont do it again.”
Anya, grinning. “Right. This type of talk is for the bedroom, yes?”
“Or, for the Spike room. So sorry, Xany. Why don’t you all just eat and lavish me with praise?”
“Yes, we can do that. This is so tender. How’d you get lamb so tender?” Tara asked, savoring her bite.
Spike grinned. “Top secret, luv. Can’t tell.”
Xander eyed the meat on his plate and looked at Spike. Spike grinned at him. “You have to beat it.” Xander announced.
“Huh?”
All eyes on him now. Shit. “Tenderize. You have to tenderize the roast. Isn't that right, Spike?”
“Yes, luv. You have to beat it right and proper. What? Not eating?”
“Maybe just some vegetables.”
“Oh, sure luv.” Spike picked up a bowl and handed it down the line. “Carrots?”
“Are they, uh, *tender*?”
“You’re being awful weird, Xander.” Buffy told him around a mouthful of meat. “You okay?”
“Yeah, I’m just fine. I think I’m gonna go vegetarian, though.”
Anya smiled. “That’s good, Xander. It’s much more healthy. I’m not going to, though. Meat tastes so good. But here, try some of this delicious salad. It’s only cucumbers, onions, and tomatoes, but it's wonderful. I think it's Spike’s special vinaigrette, that makes it so, tasty.”
“Of course it is.” Xander looked at Dawn. “So, Dawnie. Got any homework I can help you with after dinner? We can leave the grown ups alone and just, oh, I don’t know, do homework.”
“Yeah! I have to label diagrams of the male and female reproductive systems.” Dawn told him, snagging another piece of lamb. “It’s silly, I know, I mean, we already did this in the 5th grade, *hello teachers*, but we’re starting a new chapter in science and he have to start off with this stuff. As long as you can tell me where the vas deferens, the prostate gland, the clitoris and the g-spot are, we’ll be good to go.”
Xander choked, Dawn chewed away her grin and Spike snorted into his glass of blood-spiked wine.
Buffy glared at her little sister. “What? *I* can find a prostate, you know!” She glared at each and every pair of eyes turned her way. "Well, I *can*."
“They teach the g-spot in school, now?” Anya asked ignoring Buffy. “That’s so clever. I remember when they only taught the bible.” She smiled and reached for a basket. “Roll, anyone? They're homemade. Spike made them. He didn't even open up that fun can that pops.”
Xander looked at Dawn. “You’re a mean little girl.”
“Now, now. We’ve upset Xander enough for one evening.” Giles said. “Let us turn to more pleasant topics of conversation. Buffy? What did you kill last night?”
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Part 5
“That was fun. Didn’t you think that was fun, Xander?” Anya asked, nestling her head on Xander’s shoulder, as they relaxed on the sofa.
Xander ran his tongue along the head of his cock, licking. He nodded his head, cock still in his mouth. He bit the head off and chewed thoughtfully. “Yep." He waved his bitten cock-sucker in the air. "Spike beaten meat, cooked to perfection I’m told, all my friends, and not only *finding* the clitoris, but labeling it as well, all during after dinner coffee, no less. Yep. Just good clean fun.” He kissed the top of Anya's head and finished eating the rest of his cock. "This is outstanding cock, Ayn."
Anya nodded her head. "Yes. It's English. They make good cock."
"Huh?"
"Good chocolate, I meant."
"Of course that's what you meant."
“Yes. Too bad Spike had a call. I feel we should all be here on the couch. You know, after a well-done dinner party. He should be here, don’t you think?” Anya tilted her head up to look at him. “Don’t you?”
Xander sighed. “Yeah. As weird as it is, I do.”
“What’s it been?”
“Only thirty minutes.”
“He’ll be at least thirty minutes longer.”
“Yeah, at least. That crazy partyline.”
Anya rolled over and onto him, her thighs coming to rest along side his. She nestled down onto his crotch. “I think,” She kissed him softly on the lips and Xander’s eyes closed. ”Spike needs a break. We should take him out. All this fake sex on the phone can't be healthy."
Xander didn’t open his eyes, but placed his hands on her hips, holding her still. He let his head rest against the back of the couch and breathed out slowly. “How much wine did I drink, Ayn?”
Anya kissed his neck. “Not much. A glass or two. But I *did* say that we need to take Spike out. Make him take a night off and just have some non phone sex related fun with us." She spoke the words against his neck, letting her lips move over his skin. Her tongue came out to lick and then she suckled, leaving a faint mark. “We can go to the movies and there's one of those parking lot carnivals at the Wal-Mart. You know how much Spike loves those."
Xander snorted.
"Okay, you know how much I love those. But Spike loves stealing from Wal-Mart. He'll have a fun!" She moved her mouth down and bit his collarbone. “Doesn’t that sound like fun?”
“Ayn. . .Yeah, fun.” Xander groaned. “Wait? What? What'd I just agree to?”
Anya pulled back to glare at him. “You need to stop saying that to me, Xander. I'll get a complex.”
“Stop sucking on me while asking me to do things, and I will."
"Oh. Well. I have no plans to stop doing that. You're at your best and most agreeable when I'm sucking on some part of you, so it would just be silly of me to stop doing it. But you've agreed to take Spike and me out Saturday night."
Xander nodded his head. "Yeah. It's all coming back to me. Carni-folk and shoplifting. That's my future, yes?"
Anya smiled. "Yes." She placed her head against his shoulder again.
"Ayn?"
"Yes, Xander?"
"Didn't you say it would be a good idea to have all shoplifters do hard-time? I think chain gangs were mentioned. And working in sweatshops."
"Yes, well. That's when they shoplift from the Magic Box. We prosecute to the fullest extent of the law." She pulled back to smile at him. A really big smile. "And then some."
Xander tensed. "And then some? What does that mean?"
Anya kissed his temple. "Don't think about it, Xander. It will only upset you."
"Anya, you can't-"
"Oh, hush. I'm kidding again." She rested her head back on his chest. "Anyway, I don’t feel at all sorry for Wal-Mart. The big having stores all over the nation greedy so and sos. Spike can steal from them all he wants. They have store security. If store security can’t catch him, well, its rather funny, don't you think?"
"Naw. I don't think much anymore, Ayn."
"That's good." She kissed his befuddled brow and reached beneath a cushion to pull out a prize. "Here. Have another cock. You look all done in, Xander."
Xander took the phallic chocolate treat with a grin. "You're the bestest, Ayn."
Anya rested against him, nodding her head against his chest. "Yes. Eat up. I'm going to make you carry me into the bedroom and ravish me, soon. The sugar rush should work to my advantage."
Xander sucked on his cock. "The very bestest!"
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Part 6
"Why a Tonka-truck, Spike? Not that it's not great and all. But why?"
Spike drew on his cigarette, his eyes scanning for Anya as he exhaled. Ayna didn’t like him smoking and he'd cut way back, and he didn't like it. He was more testy while sneaking a smoke than being without one. He sucked down as much toxin filled tobacco goodness as he could, when he could now days. "Cause I could. Did you want something else?" Spike glared at him, and Xander new the glare meant, "thank me or else." Just like when Spike made blueberry pancakes instead of banana. Just smile and say thank you or get a lap full of fruit filled pancakes.
"Um, no. This is great." And Xander tried. Really hard. But he couldn't help it. "They didn't have any StarTrek big toys you could steal to show off?"
"Yeah, had lots." Smoke in and smoke out. Smoke in and smoke out. And then he reached behind his back, beneath his coat, and pulled out a HUGE box and a grin. A box that contained the Enterprise, which he dropped unceremoniously at Xander's feet before he snatched the dump truck from him. "Like I'd give you a Tonka, ya git."
"Oh, my *god*. This is so cool. I didn't even know they made these. Look! It's got moving parts! And crew members!" Xander looked at Spike with sparkling eyes. "Wal-Mart really is the land of happy, isn't it?"
"Huh?" Spike was busy ripping open the Tonka. "Oh, yeah. Got's geek toys. It's no Target but much easier to steal from."
Spike began chewing at people-proof-keep-it-in-the-box-forever-bindings. "Bloody hell! Why is this necessary? It's not like you can just take it outta the box and waltz out of the store with it for fuck's sake!"
Xander snorted at that, doing his best to pull out his mini Captain Kirk.
"Well, if you're not *me*, you can't! Or some of those kids I watched." Spike winked at him. "Made their own little CD casing remover key, they did. Clever design. I just break 'em open and pocket the CD's. Their way you get the case too! Don't have to bother stealing all those packs of empty jewel cases. I'll have to look into that."
"Spike?" Xander was still too enthralled with his Enterprise to worry about CD theft.
"What?"
"*How* did you steal this stuff? I can't believe that no one noticed the Enterprise under your coat."
"That was just for you, Xan. For a laugh. Don't you go and try nicking StarTrek toys under your coat. Ayna will beat us both after you get caught. All it takes is magic tape."
Xander's eyes got big. "Magic tape? What does it do? Make stuff invisible?"
Spike flicked away his cigarette and lit another. "Um, no. But if you ever run across some o' that, let me know, will ya?" He reached into his pocket and pulled out a roll of bright blue tape with Wal-Mart written across it. "*This* is the magic tape." He twirled the roll on his index finger before replacing it in his pocket. "All you need is it, and a bunch of slutty looking teen girls."
"Uh, huh. And the slutty teens are for?"
"Distraction." Spike grinned. "If the items are too big to bag, they tape em and put 'em in your cart. Now, the little security guard is 'spose to check your taped items against your receipt, but, lets say, he's just a young bloke, makin' minimum wage, and not really carin' all that much what you have in your cart, *and* there's a group of scantily clad girls, who've loaded up their pockets with makeup and trinkets and decide to flirt their way out. . . well…ya just wait for 'em to catch his eye…casually show your big taped items and your receipt. . .and walk right out…happy as a lark."
"You're an evil genius, Spike."
"Yes."
"And where do you get the magic tape?"
Spike shook his box violently. "Oh, well. You bring an item without a tag on it to the cashier, flirt with her while she's busy, and steal it when she's looking 'round for her floor manager."
"Yes. An evil genius."
Xander caught sight of a uniformed security guard. "Um, Spike? Maybe we should put away our stolen goods and go find Ayn?" He pulled out his keys and opened the trunk, placing his Enterprise inside with a fond smile. Yeah, it was stolen. And stealing was bad. But *Spike* had stolen it for him, and Xander just couldn't fight the grin or the happy feeling it gave him. It was just so sweet. "Load up your truck, shoplifter-boy. We got us an Anya to find."
"Gimmie a sec." Spike lowered his head, vamped out, and sliced though the cables with his fangs, freeing his toy. He let the box fall to the ground with a fang-filled grin. "Okay." He placed it in the trunk and let Xander slam the lid down. "She'll be at a concession stand waiting for us with cotton-candy. Bet?"
Xander dropped his arm across Spike's shoulders and headed towards the mini-carnival. "No bet, my vampire-buddy; 'Cause that's just where we'll find her. She thinks she can control us through sugar."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Part 7
"You've always disappointed your father and your mother wishes you were a girl!"
"Sweetums!" Spike exclaimed upon hearing Anya's hissed words to her small captive.
"*Anya*." Xander intoned disapprovingly at the sight of Anya holding cotton candy in one hand and a small boy by his arm, as he struggled to get away, with the other.
Anya started, looking at Xander guiltily while releasing the child's arm. She winked at Spike. "Well, he ran right into me, Xander, and didn't stop to apologize! Only to tell me to get out of the way! The way was *mine*, seeing as how he was moving and I wasn't." She explained her dialogue to the six year old that had just run away crying. She held out pink confections for them both. "Never mind the little juvenile delinquent, I got you cotton candy."
Xander took his, doing his best to look stern while licking spun sugar.
Anya thrust Spike's cotton candy at him, moved between the two and linked her arms through theirs. She began walking them forward. "I want to go on the Ferris wheel, okay?"
"Wanna spy that young one you let go and spit in his hair?" Spike asked.
Anya looked at Spike. "Yes." She turned to smile at Xander. "No, of course not." She turned back to Spike. "What did you get me?"
"Fuzzy knickers."
Xander leaned his head back to look at Spike. "What?"
"Fuzzy knickers. You know. The bra and panties with the fuzzy outline? The fake fur?"
"Aw, yes. The ever popular fuzzy, um, knickers; I have no idea what you're talking about, Spike."
Spike stopped their walk and reached into his duster to pull out a hanger with purple bra and panties attached. Each trimmed in a fuzzy wealth of purple fluff.
"Oh, how cute!"
"Oh, those."
"Is this her, son?"
The trio looked over, and then *up* at a huge leather clad, heavily tattooed man with a shaved head, black goatee and a really pissed off look on his face. Spike quickly hid his fuzzy knickers.
"Yes? Can we help you?" Anya. Always the sport Xander mussed, mentally feeling the ouches already. This was a really, really *large* man.
Spike dropped down in front of the boy, quickly vamped out and back, popped back up, smiling at his father. He looked back at the wide-eyed boy. "Something we can help you with, kid?" Spike asked.
"Ah, no. Nope. Sorry. Wrong mean lady." He tugged on his dad's leather vest. "It's not her, daddy. Let's just go, okay?"
"You sure, son?" Big Daddy glared at the innocent looking threesome. Spike looked up and began to whistle. Xander shoved an elbow in his ribs.
"He *said* it was some *other* mean lady! What? Are you de-Ow! Xander! Did you just pinch me?"
"We're gonna just head on over to the Ferris wheel now. You folks have a nice evening." Xander rushed them forward. Anya turned back and mouthed "I'm gonna get you" to the little boy looking back at them. He promptly burst into tears. Spike vamped out and back again while the little boy was still looking. The boy screamed and grabbed his father's leg. Xander turned back and watched the crying boy get picked up and begin to sob into his father's neck. "I just wanna go *home* daddy! There's monster's here!"
"Spike?"
"What?" Pure innocence.
"Anya?"
"Yes, Xander?" Xander hadn't thought it possible, but Anya sounded even more innocent than Spike just had.
"No Ferris Wheel for the two of you!"
"Ah. Too bad, we're bad, eh, Ayn? Look! The lobster!"
"Oh! That goes high and spins very fast, yes?"
"I do believe it does."
"Come *on*, Xander!" Anya and Spike in stereo and Xander is grabbed and pulled to the lobster line.
Oh, joy.
"Okay, okay, fine! The lobster it is. We can ride the lobster-"
"We're *on* the lobster, pet, too late-"
"But," Xander continued, ignoring Spike, "you two are gonna have to win me stuff, or I'm gonna find that biker-dude and tell him you put the whammy on his kid." Xander snipped as the not-safe-seeming-at-all-bar was slammed down across their thighs by the scary looking carni.
"Don't be silly, Xander." Anya told him as they moved high in the air and twirled thanks to calculated movements on Spike's and her part, as the carni herded on other passengers. "We didn't put a whammy on him. I only threatened him in jest. And Spike made his scary-bumpy face."
"I want something *big*." Xander mumbled. "Manly fuzzy things. Maybe a giant Tasmanian Devil."
"Do you think if I try to spit on people the spit will fly back in my face?" Anya asked as the ride began.
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