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Twisted Author: Corona Rating: PG-13 (I think) Archive: LOL, hey sure if you want it. Pairing: C/S Warning: More weirdness and fairy-tale slaughtering. Disclaimer: I don't own anybody here. I never have done and I never will. I'm borrowing all of them for this story, I'll give them straight back afterwards. Series: No Summary: I had so much fun doing the last one I actually did it again, god help us all. This is my rendition of how Sleeping Beauty would never have been written. (Note: I can't remember how many fairy Godmothers there were) "Isn't he lovely?" it was more of a suggestion than a question. The circle of Godparents hurriedly agreed. "Oh yes, adorable" Hera offered, waving fingers that dripped with gold over the crib. Baby Cupid obliging tried to snatch the sparklies. "Very" was all Demeter offered though she did give a token wave. "Eyes, never seen a green like that" Hecate added shoving several minor godparents out of the way. "I forsee royalty falling to those eyes" Aphrodite sensing an opening pushed her way over to Hecate. "My son will be a warrior then?" Hecate stopped making faces at the baby and looked up. "Er...yes" Aphrodite, far too shallow to sense deceit grinned. "Ares, did you hear that Ares, Ares?" her husband had apparently disappeared. Oh well it was for the best. Men and babies were a terrible mixture anyway. Aphrodite pushed herself to the head of the crib. "Right then" she smashed her hands together and rubbed them. "Now all the ooohing and aaahing is out of the way what about presents" the godparents had all been expecting this and they formed an orderly queue. Aphrodite folded her arms and nodded. Hecate peered into the crib. "Hmm" all the other Godparents peered over collective shoulders. "He shall be as beautiful as his mother" there was a syncronised 'Ahhh'. "In fact more so, he'll be a God among mortals, people will look upon him and feel blessed" Aphrodite bounced. "Next!" Hecate was shoved out of the way by Hera, who reached into the crib and jiggled Cupid. "He shall be as intelligent as his father, a commander among men. Though without the frequent bouts of paranoia" there was lots of agreeable nodding. A few laughs, which Aphrodite quelled with a look. There was a moment of coughing, Aphrodite sighed. "Someone wake up Zeus" Hera turned around and nudged the only male Godparent in the side. He snorted "No piglets, keep them away-Oh it's you dear" he remained conscious for exactly four seconds then his head dropped again. Aphrodite sighed and Hestia was pushed indelicately towards the crib. "What do I do now?" Aphrodite rolled her eyes. "Presents!" she reminded snappishly. Hestia nodded. "Yes yes, of course" she leaned over. "Awh isn't he cute. Aren't you the cutest, oh yes you lovely creature you. Where was I, Oh yes. Warmth, I give you warmth and consideration, you will need them little one for this world is cruel." Demeter came forward on a sigh. Considered the child for a minute. "You will wield the longbow, crossbow and shortbow like no other. I give you freedom to hunt in my lands." she stepped back, folded her arms. Aphrodite seemed pleased. Until a voice rang out through the hall. "My, my so you've unburdened yourself of the child at last" There was a collective intake of breath. The occupants of the room swung round. Standing in the very centre of the room was Hades, evil Godfather of the Dead. Swathed in black from head to toe, pale and hollow, somewhat dead looking. "Ah but I see I wasn't invited" Hades swung his cloak outwards and slowly stalked forward. Aphrodite plastered herself against the side of the crib. "Are you surprised, bringing all your death vibes round here, round my baby!" Wide eyed and frantic Aphrodite snatched up Cupid and squashed him against her chest. Hades sneered at her and them took in all the other Godparents. "I see the omission was me and me alone. How very rude queen Aphrodite" now she was trembling like a madwoman. "Don't come near me, don't you come anywhere near me or my baby" Hades raised an eyebrow. "My dear I don't intend to. I can curse the child quite adequately from over here" another collective gasp, and a squeal from the queen. "Don't you dare, don't you dare!" Hades grinned, the effect on everyone was immediate, they all moaned quietly. "Don't, please" Aphrodite begged, she screwed up her nose. "I'll do anything, anything" the stress on the words was obvious. Hades simply gave her a disturbed look and shivered. "No Queen you cannot tempt me. I decree that on the Prince's twenty first birthday he'll..." everyone leant forward in horror. "he'll..." eyes widened, mouths opened. "He'll prick himself on a sword and die!" Aphrodite screamed, the Godparents all started shouting at once. By the time some semblance of order was imposed Hades was gone. "Wow" Hecate offered "Bummer" "No! Zeus hasn't spoken yet!" Aphrodite snapped. She ran to the bearded ancient one and shook him. He startled awake on a grunt. "Do something!" she shook him again. "Huh? what what" "He cursed him, Hades cursed my baby" Aphrodite slid to the floor until her head was on Zeus's feet. "Pleease!" "What?" Zeus repeated. "Who cursed who, what?" they all explained at once. "That's bad" he finally offered. "Do something" yet more shaking. Zeus stroked his beard. "Hmm" they all watched him. "I don't really want to mess with Hades so I'll make sure Cupid doesn't die" "Oh Thank you" Aphrodite gathered his robes to her face and kissed them. "I'll make you all sleep for a hundred years instead" "What!" there were gasps. "You're kidding right. You call that helping!" "What do you want miracles?" Zeus snapped, still rather flustered from being woken up. Hera would admit to Aphrodite later that fully conscious he would have come up with a much better plan. --- And Lo the queen, under the terrible prophesy of doom began to waste away into despair. All swords were confiscated and buried in a huge pit outside of the kingdom. All ceremonial and usable swords alike. They lost several wars because of this and the king was mocked quite badly but it was the law and no one dared break it. Prince Cupid grew up to be everything the fairy Godparents had decreed. He was strong and brave, had a face of unearthly beauty and on crossbow training didn't shoot himself at all, unlike some of the other students. He was wise like his father, though admittedly he had inherited some of his mothers frivolousness. Life slowly went on. NINETEEN YEARS LATER "Cupid" he groaned as he was yelled for yet again. When would his mother learn he didn't have to be watched twenty four hours a day. What was someone intent on assassinating him or something. "What is it?" the captain of the guard saluted with his longbow. No swords, the soldiers weren't allowed swords. His mom had decided swords were against her religion or something. "Your mother wishes to speak with you?" "Again, I only left her five minutes ago" with a snarl of annoyance he strode back towards the tower. Made his way up the steps, sun glaring through the slitted windows. Gee talk about sitting duck for archers. "My Prince I have something to show you" Cupid stopped sighed. "If it's the same thing Captain Lucius showed me I've seen one" He turned and the stranger got a good look at him, gaped, blinked. "Wow" Cupid gave him an odd look, then eyed the long expanse of steel glinting in the sun, leant against the strangers leg. The stranger struggled to collect himself, before sneering menacingly. "A Birthday present of a sort" "That's incredible" the tall dark stranger smirked. "The sword your highness" he nodded. "I've never seen one, It's huge" the stranger made a small pleased sound. "Yes" he offered simply. "Can I touch it?" the sword jiggled, then clanked against the floor. "Of course, come closer" he waved. Cupid slid forward to get a closer look at the shiny metal. "Wow" the stranger made a short evil noise. "Little closer" Cupid shuffled closer. Stretched out a hand. "Ow" "Mwahahhahahaha" Cupid dropped like a rock. --- ONE HUNDRED YEARS LATER "I'm a mighty mighty hero, ta ta dah...Riding upon my mighty steed, my trusty steed...er...er" Strife took his fingers out of his ears. "My horse?" he offered. Sir Xena snapped her fingers. "Right, excellent" she leaned down long enough to smack her squire on the back. "Good thinking there lad, you'll be worthy of being a knight yet." 'Oh great' Strife thought then I can be as big a ponce as you, tights indeed. It was too bloody hot to be trudging along and he had a stone in his shoe. "So where are we going then?" Sir Xena puffed out her chest, nearly lost her balance and stopped. "Somewhere in these hills is an entire castle that have been asleep for a hundred years. Rumour has it a beautiful princess sleeps there too. Get this, she can only be woken by a kiss" Strife considered this. "Wouldn't she bit a bit rotten by now then, starting to smell and all that" Xena smacked him again. "Foolish squire, it's an enchanted sleep. They remain as they were when they first fell." Strife considered this some more. "And no one's ever found her?" Xena scowled at him. She didn't seem to be amused by all his questions. "The entire castle is surrounded by a wall of thorns, only the truly brave may enter." Another short moment of silence. "You mean like that wall" he pointed. Xena jerked her horse to a halt. "By God I've found it I've finally found it. The princess will be mine" with no caution whatsoever she thrust herself into the thorns, they appeared to take offense, they swallowed her. Strife stood there for a moment blinking, then went in after her. The thorns appeared to like him. In fact if anything they parted for him like water. Which he figured was way suspicious. He was about to turn around when the wall opened completely and he saw the castle. The place, quite frankly, was a dump. It was covered in cobwebs and people were just collapsed haphazardly anywhere. Some people were asleep on horseback, some on the floor. One had obviously fallen asleep over the horse's trough and judging by the decomposition he wasn't waking up ever. Apart from him everyone was pretty much...fleshy. "Sir Xena! Where the hell did she get to?" deathly silence, even the horses had their legs in the air. He wandered off in the direction which heralded most people. More sleeping corpses, most of them wrapped in cobwebs. Oh and a big 'ol door. Which obligingly creaked open when he shoved it. "Hello" which after he said it seemed like an arse stupid thing to do. Cos the only occupant of the room was asleep, on a bed. He ventured closer. Laid out flat was a seriously hot individual, if you ignored the cobwebs. He pulled some of them away and was immediantly struck by something. "You are not a princess" Strife was briefly tempted to make sure just in case but stopped himself. You didn't go around feeling up strange princes when they were in an enchanted sleep. No matter how...wow. His hand fluttered over the chest. "Well since Sir Xena got eaten by the wall of thorns" he leant down, made sure no one was looking because this felt like a really stupid thing to do, and kissed the prince, wow, soft, slightly dusty. Green eyes fluttered open, focused on him from roughly an inch away, then the Prince screamed. Strife backpeddaled and fell in the fountain. "Hey, quit that, quit yelling damn it!" "Guards!" the Prince snapped, struggling out of a wall of cobwebs. "Where the hell did you come from, where are my guards" Strife struggled out of the fountain. "Shit! you'd think you'd be grateful to be woken up. Spending a bloody hundred years asleep." the Prince stopped yelling for his guards, who were actually busy yawning and trying to escape from their own cobwebs. "What?!" "You, sleeping for a hundred years. Typical you're a bloody legend and you don't even know it" Strife garbled out the myth that everyone knew while the Prince stared in horror. Then he tugged his clothes straight. "Some thanks, I ask you, I had to kiss you and everything." He went red and then headed for the door. "Wait" the Prince snapped and hurried after him trailing cobwebs. "I've really been asleep for a hundred years?" Strife stopped. "Yes, now if you'll excuse me I have to go dig my Knight out of the wall of thorns." "You can't leave! You kissed me...what! You 'kissed' me?" the Prince blushed. "Why did you kiss me?" Strife raised an eyebrow. "How old are you?" "Twenty one...Or a hundred and twenty one" "And you don't know why I kissed you?" the Prince frowned. "Er...oh...OH" Strife could see the prince had got it. He reached up and pulled a cobweb out of that lovely blonde hair. "So you're a Prince" he nodded "Cupid" "Your castles waking up you know" Cupid nodded. "A hundred years out of date" "But awake at least" "How long do you think they'll be?" Strife shrugged "Depends if they're morning people" "Good" oh now the sleepy prince was grinning. "Why?" Cupid shook off the last of the cobwebs. "I think I have a lot of catching up to do" he dragged Strife onto the bed. "Haven't you spent long enough on this thing?" Cupid smirked. "Well if we try real hard I'm sure we can break it" And they lived happily ever actually....... Well actually Aphrodite was pissed that she was going to have a squire for a son-in-law and mourned the lack of grandchildren. Cupid suffered from quite severe bouts of insomnia and Strife had trouble convincing King Ares that he wasn't an evil elf in diguise. But no one mourned Captain Lucius, the man who drowned in the horse trough. Sir Xena was never found...... |
