Chapter 11
Show Me The Meaning of Being Lonely
It's been a good hour since Lance talked with Stacy on the phone about his
mom being in the Intensive Care Unit of St. Mercy's Hospital.
When he first came to her room, Lance broke down at the sight of his mother
with all the bruises from the accident and the machines connected to her to
monitor her vitals. Joey had to drag him out of the room to calm him down.
It took the combined might of Joey's embrace, JC's soothing voice, and the
sedative that the head nurse had to inject to calm Lance down. Eventually,
all that forced Lance to a fitfully sleep.
As Lance slept in Joey's big arms, not really caring if anyone outside of
the group saw them, everyone took their own little niche in the waiting
room. The present members of the BSB were talking about what to do before
going on to finish the last leg of their tour in a week's time. Christina
managed to lure Howie away from his band mates just so she could use him as
a pillow. Justin and JC, along with some of the bodyguards, went to the
nearest place that was open this early so they can get some take-out. When
they left, they weren't recognized by the small crowd that started to gather
upon hearing the rumors that NSYNC and the Backstreet Boys were in the
hospital. They weren't so lucky when both of them came back with pizza
boxes and cartons of Chinese food and were nearly mauled by the fans. Thanks
to the bodyguard's threatening stares and bulk, the crowd immediately parted
and the two former Mouseketeers were able to get to the ICU with little
problem, other than a few kiss marks and ringing ears. Ryan slept for the
most part, until the food arrived and everyone, except for Lance and Joey,
started eating.
In the private room of Diane Bass, she remained still while the machines
check her vital functions and the rest of her family scattered around the
room in silent vigil. Stacy nursed a cup of bland coffee from the vending
machine, while Ford made phone calls to the people that needed to be
informed of Diane's condition. Jim sat beside the bed, clinging on to her
hand as if he's transferring his strength to her. Only the low tones of
Ford's voice and the steady beeping of the monitors were heard in the almost
frigid room.
Outside, the crowd slowly increased as the rumors of the NSYNC and the
Backstreet Boys in where inside got out. The hospital had to increase their
security when fans started to fake injuries just to see any one of them. Not
far behind were the media who caught wind of the situation. With everything
slowly getting out of control, Jive decided to send a PR representative to
help quell the wild state of affairs.
Lance woke up to utter madness, still confused by all that things that
happened in the pass 10 hours. "24 hours ago, I was just waking up in Joey's
arms. Now, I may lose the woman who borne me into the world. God, I'm so
scared," he thought to himself. Lances stood up and straighten himself to a
position beside Joey, who offered comfort in that genuine smile of his. He
held his hand and gave him a small kiss on the cheek, Lance blushed.
The only ones with the young couple were Justin, JC, and some guy in a
suit. JC and Justin were trading reasons of why they can't use the story
with the PR's suggestions for a cover-up. Joey just watched from his sitting
position the exchange of blows; he gave up giving his opinions to the three
who were oblivious to everyone around them. The bickering went on way pass
the time when the rest of the group came back from the cafeteria. By this
time, Lance was at the end of a very short fuse of an early morning migraine
and blew out at the three. A big "shush" came from the Nurse's station and
Lance immediately quieted down.
"Guys, let's me talk this with my family first before you guys do anything.
You are all talking about something that's really none of your business. Not
you Josh, nor you Justin. Not Jive or the Press, or anyone else. We will
have a private family meeting and then we will inform you just what we think
should be done." With that, he stood up and went to the room where Diane was
being confined. Everyone was left speechless at how cold he sounded.
He steeled himself before entering the room. The light that seeped through
the blinds gave the eerie atmosphere to the silent gloom. Stacy saw Lance
enter and ran up to him to give him a hug.
"Hey kiddo! How are you holding up?"
Lance sniffed up a sob and smiled tearily to his sister. "Honestly, I don't
know what is going on. I mean, I know what's happening and all, but I'm
still confused." Taking his gaze away from Stacey, he saw that Ford and his
dad were both asleep in very uncomfortable positions. His sister led him to
the sitting area of the room so both of them could talk.
"You know you can tell me everything, right? I mean, like before," she
paused. "...you left."
"Yeah, I guess. Things have been hectic this pass few days. What, with me
getting settled here in New York, the sudden reappearance of you guys, and
finding out that mom got into an accident doesn't really make me feel like
I'm on top of the world. I'm feeling all the old stress again."
"Old stress?" Stacy's face screwed with incomprehension.
"You know all those problems I had before I walked away from everything
that knew as familiar. All my work-related pressures, my coming out to the
guys, mom's rejection, my low self-esteem, and God knows what other issues I
have. When I traveled around, I felt like nothing could hurt me anymore.
Sure, I would have those days when I felt like I was still part of NSYNC,
but I soon felt like I was someone else, someone that I liked. With everyone
back in my life, I feel like I haven't changed at all, despite all the
radical differences that I made to myself."
"Things were never easy for you, Lance. You always had to fight to make
yourself happy. When you left, we never realized just how important you were
to the rest of us. We were resentful for a time, but we got over it. You
needed to do what you thought was right for you. You needed a change."
"I know that. It's just that I was unhappy being me. I thought if I was
someone else, I could feel different, no, more comfortable with myself. I
was tired of being Lance Bass. All this five months of being James only
proved that I'm still me. I figured all this crap wouldn't affect James. He
wouldn't be affected by a mother who threw him out because of who he was.
The first moment I heard you say that mom was brought here, I nearly
snapped. Confused is an understatement to describe me. But I was sure of
one thing, that I wanted to see mom and that I still love her, despite all
the harsh things that happened in the past. Now, I'm all torn up about
everything"
Stacy sat patiently by Lance as he told her all of his problems and
concerns he's been having since that fateful night in Clinton, Mississippi.
After about an hour of this, Jim and Ford joined their discussion, then
their topic eventually steered towards Diane and whether they should
announce to the world what had happened. They all agreed to the press
conference, if only to help alleviate any pressure on everyone. Lance went
out to the waiting area and found everyone gone, except for JC and Justin,
who was lying down on JC's lap asleep.
"Hey," said JC meekly at the approach of Lance. "Joey's in the bathroom.
Everyone else decided to go back to the hotel so they could get rested and
come back tonight."
Lance sat down on the chair beside JC and started to rub his temples with
slow circular motions. "I'm so tired, Josh. I want to see my mom wake up,
resolve everything, and go to sleep for a million years."
JC grinned slightly. "You sound like me." Justin thrashed a bit with his
position before settling down again. JC looked away from Justin's moving and
focused intently at his younger brother. "Lance, I'm really sorry about what
we were doing this morning. It's just that we were doing what we thought was
best for you. We caused you a lot of pain and we thought we could at least
make-up for all that by doing this for you. I guess, we were wrong."
Lance sighed. "Josh, you and Justin did have good intentions but you should
have discussed this first with me. Just because a lot of things have been
happening to my shitty life, that doesn't mean I'm not capable to make a
decision. As far as I'm concerned, both of you are forgiven. Just don't do
forget that I'm of sound mind and body, and we'll all be okay." Lance held
on to JC's hand and squeezed it with some assurance. JC smiled in joyous
relief.
"I'm sorry too, Scoop," said Justin's muffled voice from JC's lap, his eyes
still closed.
Both of them looked at Justin and then at each other. A mischievous smile
passed through their face as they thought the same idea. Instantly, both of
them launched their fingers to Justin's tickle spots and sent Justin to a
rush of uncontrollable laughter. He tried to scream "Uncle" but his laughing
prevented him from stopping the continued assault of his friends.
Eight Hours Later...
Lance stared numbly at the circus before him. This was going to be his
first public appearance in almost six months, and he was scared shitless.
The only consolation was the fact that all of his friends were there to
provide support.
The guy from Jive stood up at the podium waiting for the media who have
gathered here to settle down. He looked at Lance while feeling like finally
he was going to get paid for what he was supposed to do. He then looked at
the rest of NSYNC, all flanked up on either side of him, JC and Justin on
one side and Joey, suspiciously a little too close to Lance, on the other.
The PR guy turned his head to the other side of the table where the rest of
the group was sitting. On the far side were the Backstreet Boys, namely
Nick, AJ, and Howie, followed by that "Skanky Bitch Christina," thought the
guy, and that "Young Hercules guy", lastly. "Well, let's get this over with
so I can go back to the hotel and sleep off this jetlag," he thought
selfishly.
"Ladies and Gentlemen," shouted the PR guy to media. "We have a statement
here written by Lance Bass of NSYNC and we would very much like for you to
refrain from asking any questions until he has finished." He gave away his
spot to Lance, who stood nervously and faced the multitude of questioning
eyes and flashing lights.
"Thank you for coming, Ladies and Gentlemen. Close to a day ago, my mother,
Mrs. Diane Bass, has been brought down here to St. Mercy's Hospital as a
victim of a vehicular accident. She was riding a taxicab from La Guardia
Airport when a stolen Delivery Van with a drunken driver spun out of control
and struck the cab. The collision left my mother in a coma and is now
currently being treated for it. We came here as soon as we heard what
happened. The police have the driver of the stolen van in custody, and the
driver of the cab survived with only minor bruising. NSYNC and all involved
would like the general public to respect the privacy of the Bass Family and
their friends and to please pray for the quick recovery of my mother. Any
questions?"
Bryan McFadden of MTV News raised his hand and Lance pointed to him.
"Lance, where were you guys when all this happened, and why are 3/5 of the
BSB, Ms. Christina Aguilera, and Ryan Gosling with you?"
"They were with us at a party the day before the accident and their here
for moral support. I guess that strangles any rumor saying that we hate each
other." The room chuckled.
Another reporter. One of the local news channels. "Mr. Bass, can you tell
us if NSYNC have broken up?
"No, we're still together as a group."
Another question.
"Will Mrs. Bass be okay?"
"The doctors are optimistic about her recovery."
"Where is Chris?" asked a young girl that looks young enough for junior
high.
"He's in LA right now working with Fu Man Skeeto. He wanted to be here but
we told him to stay and finish his meetings before going here. Next
Question."
"Will there be another album out? After "Celebrity", you guys have been
very quiet about what your future plans are going to be."
"Well, we decided to have a break and not go on any commitments related to
the group. All of us would like to focus on our own projects. Until then, no
touring and studio work."
"AJ, how was rehab?"
"Uh, no comment," said AJ with a downcast look, obviously not proud of that
moment in his life. He perked up when the focus went back to Lance.
"Any solo projects in the works?"
"No comment. Next."
"Sorry to butt in but we have only time of one last question," said the PR
guy as he put himself in front of the microphone then backed away. The media
went into frenzy mode, hoping to have the privilege of getting the last
question.
"Lance, what have you been doing these past few months? We have word on
what the rest of the guys have been doing but you've been silent as to what
has been happening to you?"
Lance looked intently at the reporter in a dark gray suit and then
answered, "Honestly, I been just living my life. Thank very much." He then
moved away from the podium and left the room. The rest of the guys looked at
each other with confusion, and then followed Lance out of the room.
He was nowhere in sight and that made Joey worry.
"What happened to him? Where's Lance?" he said as he went back to the ICU
and found that Lance's family there, but no Lance.
"Joey, what's going on?" Stacy came out of the room, followed by Ford and
Jim in tow.
"We can't find Lance. After the press conference, he bolted. This was the
first place we could think of that he could have gone to," JC said to Stacy
as the rest of the guys dragged Joey down to one of the couches and tried to
calm him down. Nick soon came with one of the nurses and she gave Joey a
sedative. Soon enough, Joey was asleep.
Then JC took charge. "Okay, first things first. Lance could be here in the
hospital so we'll do a floor-to-floor search. Howie and Chrissy, check the
lower floors and see if he's in the ER or someplace. Just, you and Ryan, go
to the pediatric floors and check if he's there. Nick and AJ, check the
chapel and the cafeteria. Ford, you and me will check the roof. Stacy and
Jim, stay here, watch over Joey and wait just in case he goes back here.
Just make sure he doesn't do anything rash. Everyone, use your phones to
report when you find him. We're not losing him this time."
Everyone nodded and went on their tasks at hand.
The Speakeasy, Three Hours Later...
James didn't know what happened. First, he was talking to the press about
what happened to his mother, and the next thing he knew, he was going into a
cab and told the driver to drive around for a while. He eventually told the
driver to drop him in SoHo and paid him much more money than what was on the
meter. It was still early so he walked around the vibrant neighborhood a few
times before entering the doors of the Speakeasy.
He made way to the bar and saw Mel behind it. "Sugar, what are you doing
here? Didn't the boss lady give you as much time off as you needed because
of your mom being in the hospital? So why are you here?" Mel questioned as
she continued to wipe clean all of the glasses in front of her.
"I just had to get out of there. I needed a drink. Pour me a JD, will you."
Mel raised an eyebrow while she poured him a shot of Jack Daniels. James
gulped it easy and asked for another, this time letting it swirl around a
bit before shooting it down.
"Mel, is anyone performing tonight?" he asked with his southern accent
becoming more prominent.
Hearing that somehow made something itch inside Mel. "Well, today is a slow
night. Kelly is out in a dinner with some investors. So I'm pretty much left
in charge. Go ahead, play a set or two. It's still early after all." Mel
said all this with a sly smile that James didn't notice.
James strode towards the stage and got the guitar all set up as well as the
microphone. It took him a few moments and he was ready to perform. He then
called one of the waitresses to bring him a bottle of Scotch just so it
could help him feel numb, at least for this set. He surveyed the crowd
tonight and mentally agreed with Mel's opinion of a slow night. With a
starting riff, he began the set that caught the attention of whoever was in
the Speakeasy this night. A few patrons recognized the song as "Angel Eyes"
by Frank Sinatra.
Have you ever had the feeling
That the world's gone and left you behind
Have you ever had the feeling
That you're that close to losing your mind
You look around each corner
Hoping that she's there
You try to play it cool perhaps
Pretend that you don't care
But it doesn't do a bit of good
You got to seek till you find
Are you never unwind
Try to think
That love is not around
Still it's uncomfortably near
My old heart
Ain't gaining no ground
Because my angel eyes ain't here
Angel eyes
That old devil sent
They glow unbearably bright
Need I say
That my love's misspent
Misspent with angel eyes tonight
So drink up all you people
Order anything you see
Have fun you happy people
The drink and the laugh's on me
Pardon me
But I gotta run
The fact's uncomfortably clear
Gotta find
Who's now number one
And why my angel eyes ain't here
Tell me why my angel eyes ain't here
Excusez moi my angel eyes ain't here
Excuse me while I disappear
For two hours after that song, all James performed to that crowd that night
were all sad blues songs, and he drank through the bottle of Johnny Walker
like water. Mel decided to take him home after his last song as not to make
a scene. She knew he was in pain, everyone in the room felt it through his
melancholic singing. Her ears perked at James' next number, it was a very
surprising blues rendition of the Counting Crows' "Colorblind".
I am colorblind
Coffee black and egg white
Pull me out from inside
I am ready
I am ready
I am ready
I am
Taffy stuck, tongue tied
Stuttered shook and uptight
Pull me out from inside
I am ready
I am ready
I am ready
I am......fine
I am covered in skin
No one gets to come in
Pull me out from inside
I am folded, and unfolded, and unfolding
I am
Colorblind
Coffee black and egg white
Pull me out from inside
I am ready
I am ready
I am ready
I am......fine
I am fine
After his song ended, James pretty much shut down and, with the help of
some of the waiters; Mel managed to get him off the stage, despite the now
larger crowd wanting more. Mel picked up the bottle and shook her head in
disbelief.
"Mac? Can you help me bring James back to his apartment? It's just four
blocks down the street," Mel asked politely to the resident Bouncer/ Chef of
the Speakeasy.
"Sure," he said and lifted James to his feet towards the door. Mel left
instructions for Janie and Michel, two of the most senior employees, to lock
up at closing time because she wasn't sure what time she'll be back. Mac
followed, with James slung over his shoulder, and said nothing as Mel led
the way to James' place. After a laborious trip up 3 flights of stairs and a
knock on Mrs. Perez' door, Mel and Mac brought him to his bed.
"Thank you, Miranda. He'll have a bitch of a hangover in the morning but
he'll thank us in the morning."
"No problema, mi amiga," the landlady said with a concerned face. "I'll see
you guys out. He looks okay." With a yawn, she motioned everyone to the
door. When Mel was halfway out the door, James moaned something incoherent
and reached out in the air for something.
"It's alright. I'll stay and make sure he's okay. Besides, he has an early
class in a few hours. I want to make sure he is at least presentable for
that. Mac, can you call Kelly when you get back to the Speakeasy and tell
her what happened tonight."
Mac looked at her straight in the eyes and both of them had a mental
conversation. He shrugged and then nodded his head at Miranda. Both of them
took their departure, leaving an inebriated James and a frustrated Mel alone
in the bedroom.
"Sugar, you stink," commented Mel as she began to undress him for bed. I'm
just glad you aren't puking or anything. Here James, stand a bit so I can
remove your shirt"
With glazed eyes, James followed Mel's instruction but his arms kept on
getting tangled. He wanted Joey here, or maybe Josh, heck even Justin and
Chris, if just to hug him. He needed someone close. "Hey, someone is close
to me. This person is lifting my shirt. So dark! Can't see the face. Wait! I
see lips. So full and beautiful. I got to kiss them," James thought as he
tried to adjust his eyes to the darkness of his apartment.
Caught by surprise, Mel felt James kiss her and she pushed him back. "This
is wrong! I can't do this. He's gay and I have the wrong equipment for him.
God, he kisses good!" thought Mel as she continued to remove the clothing
of her friend. Coming on to the pants, James shifted a bit violently and
bumped Mel's hand to his crotch. "Whoa! Is this his package!?! This boy is
carrying the big guns!"
James wanted to kiss those lips again. He wanted to taste them. Lick some
of that softness and taste that cinnamon. "There they are," he thought and
reached out and grabbed the arms of the person who was stripping him off,
and then focused on that supple mouth. This time, Mel offered little
resistance and gave in to the insistence of James. Surely, after a fashion,
Mel's dress found itself along side James' pants.
Across the hall, Miranda opened her door to let out a very noisy cat that
disturbed her sleep. Despite her sleepiness, she heard distinct moanings
coming from her neighbor from across the hall. A look of questioning inched
across her face. "Well, this is a first," she said to no one in particular.
Around Sunrise...
No one couldn't find Lance. After checking every floor of the hospital,
they all presumed that he went out and wanted to be by himself. Eventually,
relief came when Kelly called them to say that Lance came to the Speakeasy.
They were taken aback by the news that Lance had gotten drunk, but gladden
by that he was brought home safely.
Joey wanted to head out to Lance's apartment to see if he was okay, but JC
stopped him.
"Joe, go to him in the morning. By the time you get there, he'll be passed
out and out of it for at least until the afternoon. Let him rest up first
before you go to him."
After much whining and convincing, JC and Justin won and brought Joey back
to the hotel, with everyone else, to get some sleep. Joey sulked on the ride
back, and didn't sleep at all when they got to the hotel. He then decided to
get dressed and go out as soon as the sun came up, so he can put his mind at
ease. Taking a cab to the apartment, Joey, instead of feeling more relieved,
started to feel more edgy, as if he knew something was wrong. He soon
arrived at SoHo and exited the cab. First, he went to a corner deli where he
bought some breakfast and coffee for his boyfriend, knowing that he will
need something to relieve his hangover. Next, Joey entered a corner 24 hours
shop and brought some Extra Strength Tylenol. Proud at the thought that he
was going to take care of Lance, he walked a couple of blocks to his
apartment.
Arriving at the stoop, he began to feel all panicky all over again. Trying
to shake them off, he bounded up the stairs and used the extra key that
Lance gave him yesterday morning. Joey planned on surprising him and giving
him all the care and attention that he needed in his time of crisis. Closing
the door, he noticed that the silence in the apartment was enough to even
unnerve a hermit. He knew something wasn't right in Joey-Land. He placed the
items on the kitchen table and felt the strangeness of room; it was like he
didn't belong here.
Joey turned to the one place that he knew where Lance could be and slowly
opened the door. At first he studied the shape of the figure in bed. "Funny,
it's a little too large," he thought to himself. He peered closer and
noticed that not only was just one body on the bed, but two. Upon closer
inspection, Joey eyes began to tear up even more when he saw that the person
beside Lance was a woman.
Without a word, Joey turned around and left the apartment in anguish,
slamming the door. Like what he did all those days ago, he walked all the
way back to the Ritz-Carlton in a daze and acted like a zombie. He soon came
to his room and locked everything. Joey stripped off his clothes and sank to
the middle of the bed, hugging the pillow that still smelt like Lance.
Back in the apartment, Mel woke up to some door slamming and began to wipe
the sleep from her eyes. She was disoriented at her surroundings and felt a
figure beside her with her fingers. Mel looked down beside her and jumped
off the bed when she recognized who was in bed with her. Everything came
rushing back to her in a blur and she began dressing up quickly as to not
get herself into any trouble. Quietly she crept out of the apartment with a
guilty conscience and hoped to God above that this won't mean that she
fucked up again. Going to another direction from Joey, Mel decided to think
things over with some breakfast and a very big cup of coffee.
As predicted by everyone, James woke up hours later with a blasted hangover.
Vaguely aware of anything, he walked to the bathroom and took a long hot
shower. After that, he slipped on the boxers he found nearby and then
started on the process of getting over the pain in his head. Looking for
some pain relievers, he couldn't find any and swore a profanity that would
make AJ proud.
He walked out of the bathroom and walked to the kitchen. James noticed the
bags on the kitchen table and found some food, a bottle of Tylenol, and a
cold cup of coffee. Being not aware of what happened the night before, with
only a haze that comes to mind, he decided to get back to the hospital after
all this. "Got to thank Mel for all this. She's so thoughtful," he thought
as he downed four pills with the cold coffee, not aware that Joey did all
this.
Chapter 12
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