How Do I Feel Right Now?
How do I feel right now?
Isolated.
Why do I feel like that? Is it because everyone is out or because are they just out of reach? Well, I guess its because I’m always the different one. The family’s proverbial black sheep. The weird one in the group. The odd man out in my very short list of friends, if they were friends in the first place. That’s why I’m here alone in my lonely hotel room.
Stupid.
This one is a no-brainer. People are always telling me to use my brain when something I do goes wrong. One way or another, I’ve always been blamed for everything. “Use your common sense”, they would always badger into me. If I were to use my common sense, I wouldn’t be here. So that’s why I got here in one hand a bottle of Jack Daniels. A bad influence of a friend, but my only friend nonetheless.
Broken.
I heard once that broken people are stronger because they’re survivors. But what if they are still surviving and were never fixed, then they are nothing but junk. I guess that’s what I am. Junk. I never turned to anyone so they could repair me nor will anyone dare try to do that to me. I’m just a defective person living like there’s nothing wrong with me. Maybe that’s why I’m here in my bathroom slumped on the floor.
Unloved.
No one loves me. I feel like my family sees me as a burden. People call me the disposable one behind my back. No one would have me hanging on to them for long. Everyone either abandons me or use me like last night’s knotted-up condom. I don’t even love me. My reflection on this razor seems to agree with my thoughts. No. No one loves me.
Empty.
It’s like there nothing inside of me. No more hope. No more emotions. Not even pain and tears. It’s like I’m on a perpetual motion machine with nothing to fuel me with. Not even misery. I want to be emptier than I am right now so I can’t feel anymore. Maybe if I drain the blood out of me I’ll feel absolutely nothing. Only one way to find out. Slash.
***************
“Joey?”
Who’s calling my name? I open my eyes and saw the face of one of my loved ones. I looked away and saw even more familiar faces in tears. I felt my wrists and they were bandaged and bound to the bed. I feel like I just went through a meat grinder.
Someone hugged me tightly and his tears began to flow. “I love you”, said that person and I just smiled faintly. Soon everyone wanted to talk to me. Some yelled, some cried, others just stayed silent.
“So how do you feel now?” asked one of my best friends. I just shrugged.
Actually, I don’t feel that empty anymore.
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