Chapter 20
Josh didn't even know how he got home. He had run the whole way, almost
getting hit by cars a couple of times. The tears hadn't let him see the vehicles
coming. When he was in his bedroom, he just crumbled down onto the floor and
cried desperately.
After a couple of hours he stopped crying. He had all these images on his
mind... remembering his father's homophobic speeches. He remembered Bobbie, the
slut he used to go out with, and how she had called him a pathetic fag when
he dumped her. She did it out of spite, since she didn't know, but it had
hurt like hell. He was glad when she died. That also made him feel bad. How
could he possibly think like that?
He thought about Justin, kissing him forcefully... and his intrusive hands.
But it had somehow felt good... the touch of a man. He was craving for it. He
couldn't remember feeling better than the other night, lying in bed with
Rick.
He closed his eyes, recalling the warmth of his body... soft skin and strong
arms, wrapped around him.
The tears started flowing again.
// I can't take it anymore... I fucking can't //
He stood up and went to his father's bedroom. He knew he had a gun. He
rummaged through the drawers but he couldn't find it. He cursed silently. He
thought about jumping off the window, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. He
thought about the disgusting mess. And what if he didn't die?
Then he remembered his father used one of those old razors to shave. He went
to the bathroom and found a new blade. He took it and went to his room.
How should he do it? He had seen movies where people cut their wrists in the
bathtub. But it would be awful, he thought. They would have to get me out of
there dead and naked. No, no... he decided to do it on his own bed and he
placed some towels around him.
He sat on the bed and unwrapped the blade. It was so thin, he wondered if it
could really cut deep enough. He brought the blade to his left wrist. His
hand began shaking so much and his eyes got teary again. He let out a loud sob,
thinking it should be easier to make the decision.
// Joshua, you're not even brave enough to do this //
// But I am //
He tried again. When he felt the sharp edge, he flinched. He was about to
apply more pressure, when suddenly the phone rang. He nearly fell off the bed
and cussed. He let the machine get it. He heard his father's voice saying the
customary message, then the beep.
"Josh? It's Rick. Listen, I was looking for you and some people told me you
left school looking upset. I'm worried and I really want to see you. Call me
whenever you hear this, please. My cell phone number is... "
Josh ran to the phone.
"Rick?"
"Josh! You're there! Are you okay? I was worried sick"
"Um, I'm ok," he lied.
"Really? Can I come over, please?"
"I was... um, nevermind... sure, come on over"
---
I was worried about Josh. Something was not going well with him. I couldn't
get to his place fast enough. He opened the door and I could tell he had been
crying again. My heart ached when I saw the sad look in his eyes.
We didn't say a word, I just put my arms around him and sobbed for a while,
with his head on my shoulder.
When he finally calmed down, I asked him what was bothering him so much.
"Rick, I don't know how to say this"
"Just say it, Josh. Let it out"
"I think... I think I'm gay" he said not looking at me.
"Is that it, Josh?" I asked smiling, and with my fingers lifted up his chin.
"You're not mad at me? You're not going to hit me or run away scared?"
"Josh, don't be silly" I said running my fingers through his hair.
"It's okay, Josh. I am gay too."
"What? Are you serious?"
"Of course"
"Why... why didn't you tell me?"
"I guess the subject never came up"
"But... but it's wrong. It's a sin"
"No, Josh. It's not wrong. Do what makes you feel right"
He stared into my eyes for a moment, seeming to think about what I said.
He got closer until our lips met for an instant. He gave me the slightest
kiss and then began to back off. But I didn't let him.
I placed a hand behind his neck and pulled him closer until we were kissing
again. I took the initiative this time and tasted his sweet tender lips once
more. Never had I had such an amazing experience. I used my tongue to make
him open his mouth. He moaned while I tentatively rubbed his tongue.
His arms were wrapped tight around me. I was holding him by his waist. He
began to explore my mouth. I let him do whatever he wanted.
After what seemed to be hours, but had been just a couple of minutes, I
broke the kiss and looked at him smiling. He seemed dizzy, like he was about to
faint. I didn't let him go. I kept him steady in my arms and gave him a small
peck on the nose.
"Was this the way you thought it would be?"
"No," he said. My heart skipped a beat.
"No?"
"It was better," he said chuckling.
"You doofus," We both laughed for a while.
We sat on the couch for a while. He snuggled up to me and I caressed his
upper body the whole time.
Later, I went home still smiling. Everything was okay now.
Chapter 21
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