Say Something, Anything
By Amanda
c) 2001

Part Eight

Idiot! Idiot! Why didn't you say something. anything to Brian? I
leaned against the wall, pounding my forehead gently against it, cursing
my timing and general stupidity. I had never been quick on the
uptake and, as usual, my lack of spontaneity had once again proven to be
my downfall.

Brian's gone. Great. So, what do I do now? I pushed against the wall,
dejectedly rubbing both hands over my eyes. A decision had to be made
and made soon. I walked back and forth, trying to think. Whatever I
chose, I knew that it would alter my life and Matthew's forever. A cold
ache burned in my body, something inside me warning that my heart could
be broken again. Was it worth it? Should I try again? A slow
cleansing breath escaped from my lips. "I don't want to be alone
anymore," I admitted softly, finally refusing to listen to my past. The
time was now, Brian and I were here, and whatever lay between us in the
past could just stay there.

Realizing that I had just made my choice, I suddenly felt reborn,
renewed with an excitement and eagerness that only Matthew could match.
I glanced over at my sleeping son and smiled. I now desperately wanted
for Brian to see Matthew grow up, to share with me the joys and the
heartaches that were involved in raising a child. Brian was my friend,
the truest one I ever had, but I wanted more. I wanted Brian's touch, I
wanted to feel his mouth against mine, to see the pleasure in his eyes
when we made love, to know that it was possible to be friends and
lovers.

"I'm not sure if we can make it a go, Brian," I confessed quietly, "but
I want to try."

Matt sighed in his sleep, bringing me out of my self-induced fantasy.
As much as I loved Brian, nothing was going to get done with me just
dreaming about it. I had said some pretty awful things to Brian and I
flinched inwardly as I thought about all the damage I had done. Damage
that might be irreparable. Oh God, no! I tried not to panic as I
realized I needed to see him, talk to him, right now. But what about
Matt? I couldn't just wake him up, drag him over to Brian's room as I
pleaded for forgiveness.

AJ.

Yes.

AJ owes me. And what better time to collect than now? Checking on Matt
once more, I pocketed my key card and slipped quietly out into the
hallway, trying to remember what room AJ was in.

Hoping I wasn't waking someone else, I rapped lightly on the door and
then rapped a little harder when no one answered. I was about to give
up when AJ slowly opened the door, peering out with blood-shot eyes.

"Hey," he mumbled to me, rubbing a hand over his face. "Wassup?"

"You," I said firmly, reaching in to grab a hold of his arm. "Come
on." I dragged AJ unceremoniously out of his room, hauling him down the
hallway.

"Stop! Hold on!" shouted AJ glancing back to see his door shut with an
electronic click. "Just great! Now I'm locked out! How am I supposed
to get back in?"

"Doesn't matter. You're staying in my room. I need a babysitter."

For a little guy, AJ sure was strong. Digging his heels in, AJ
effectively stopped me with one hard yank.

"Wait just a fucking second! Babysitter? I don't think so."

"Tough," I snapped. "You started this whole mess, now you're gonna help
me fix it."

"Me?"

AJ gave me the hurt, innocent look but stopped when he saw my eyes
narrow dangerously. "Hey, I just tried to get you guys together. I'm
not responsible for anything after that."

I ignored his protest and started walking down the corridor, dragging
him with me.

"Nick! Do you have any idea what time it is? Can't this wait until
morning?"

I shook my head and opened my door with one quick swipe of the card.
"Nope," I said firmly. I waited impatiently as AJ reluctantly entered
my room.

I rolled my eyes. "Matthew's asleep," I informed AJ, annoyed by his
apprehensive look around. "You'll be fine."

"Yeah, sure," AJ said, unconvinced. "So, how long do I have to baby sit
the little rugrat..uh, I mean Matthew?"

"Until I get Brian to agree."

"To what?"

"To say yes."

AJ slunk into the nearest chair, giving me a sly smirk.

"What?"

"Ah, true love," he sighed dramatically. "I knew it."

"Well don't go and get your hopes up."

"Why not?"

"Cause I said some pretty shitty things to Brian just a few minutes
ago."

I watched as AJ groaned. "Wonderful. Well, there goes the tour!"

I gave him a sarcastic smile. "I'm so glad you're here to help me."

AJ sat up a little straighter. "I can help. I can! A happy Brian
means a happy Nick. It also means a rich and happy AJ. So, what do you
want me to do?"

"Just watch after Matthew, okay? No falling asleep, no loud TV, no
visitors."

AJ shook his head, amused. "Since when did you become such a
responsible adult?"

"How come you never did?" I shot back.

AJ snorted. "And ruin my reputation? No thanks."

I had to smile a little at AJ. I guess some things never change.

I glanced nervously at the door. I really needed to get going. If I
kept stalling, I knew I would lose my nerve. AJ seemed to sense this
and cocked his head to one side.

"You all right, Nick?"

"Yes.no," I admitted, hanging my head.

I heard AJ get up, felt AJ's concerned hand on my shoulder as he stood
by me, waiting patiently.

I sighed. "I love him, AJ. All these years, I've never stopped loving
Brian. And now I've totally blown it."

"Nick.."

"I don't think I can get him back. I don't think he wants me back."

"Nick.."

"God knows, if he did to me what I did to him, I wouldn't want him back
either."

"Nick.."

"I'm not sure I can do this. I'm not sure."

"Nick! Shut up for a second, will ya?"

Startled, I looked up.

With two firm hands on my back, AJ propelled me toward the door. "Go.
Go. If you don't, you'll never forgive yourself." AJ opened the door
with one hand, shoving me through it with the other. I hesitated,
suddenly afraid, and turned to face AJ.

"Nick. Go on! You love him, right? Right? If you love Brian as much
as I think he loves you, everything will be fine."

I managed a weak smile. "Yeah." Taking a deep breath, I took a step
forward then stopped.

"Nickkk," growled AJ warningly.

Oh, okay, all right! I can do this. I took another step, a little more
confident. Hell, wasn't life really about taking chances? A few more
steps. Halfway down the hall I looked back. AJ was still there,
encouraging me on with a wave of his hand.

"AJ?"

"What?"

"You shouldn't have any trouble with Matt. He probably won't throw up
again."

"What? Wait! Nick, get back here!"

I hurried down the hall and turned the corner, grinning.

"Dammit! Why didn't Nick say something before? Now I gotta baby sit a
sick kid."

With an annoyed groan, AJ shut the door.
*********************************************************************