A NEW DAY by Michelle T © 2000 FEEDBACK?: mtktmt@aol.com CHAPTER THIRTY FIVE After a couple minutes of nothing but slight sniffles and short gasps for breath from everyone, Jack stood up and walked towards them. "Michelle," he said quietly causing her to pull away from AJ and look up at him. "Ready? You need to explain your reactions." Michelle stared at him wide eyed. AJ was watching her and felt his heart tighten. "NO! God, she's been through enough! Just leave her alone. She doesn't need to explain anything, she was just being a great friend to me." He stood up and pulled her up with him. "She's had enough!" Jack moved towards them, but Michelle stopped him. She looked at AJ thankfully and smiled slightly. Then she looked down towards Howie, who had tears and questions in his eyes. She let out a small sob while turning back to AJ and placing her hands on his chest. "AJ, I need to. I need Howie to know why I did it." She pushed him back gently and sat down facing Howie. "Howie, after I tell you this, I don't expect you to love me anymore and I won't blame you. I've never meant to hurt you or hide anything from you." She paused and closed her eyes. Howie watched her, holding his breath, fearful of what she was going to say. "When I was sixteen I had my first real boyfriend and lost my virginity to him. I was naïve, young, feeling unloved. We had unprotected sex numerous times out of stupidity and I eventually got pregnant." She spoke softly, afraid to continue, "It was pure hell. My mother found out and took me to a clinic. At first I planned on keeping the baby. I really did! I thought I was in love with Brad, that was his name. But, after a few weeks the stress got unbearable. Everyone was so uptight. Brad and I barely spoke to each other and when we did it was hateful and hurtful. One day my mother and I finally clashed and threw out all our frustrations at each other; and I just decided to get rid of the baby on the spur of the moment. We felt a great deal of tension and hatred leave ourselves. I aborted it." She slowly opened her eyes to look at him. Howie listened to her, his heart breaking even more for her. -- Why does she think this will make me hate her? God, it was over twelve years ago. I love her so much! Doesn't she realize it? Why can't she see how much I love her? -- Michelle closed her eyes again, the pain in Howie's eyes making her realize she was right. -- He does hate me now! -- Drawing on all the strength she could muster, she continued, "A year later I met Rob. I went a lot slower with him, but ended up getting pregnant again. I was so stupid. You'd think I'd have learned my lesson the first time around. The only good thing was that Rob married me and promised me that we'd have a wonderful happy family life together. I believed him. . . And then, last fall I met you guys and the very first night I slept with Kevin. Two days later I slept with you. I've never regretted any of them, except for Brad of course. Oh, Howie, I've loved AJ since the first day I met him. Not in love with him, but I still love him like crazy. When he was shouting at me earlier, saying those things to me, I believed him." She looked up at Howie briefly, but the tears streaming down his face wrenched her heart and she had to look away. "Based on my past and the fact that he knew how quickly I slept with you and Kevin, I figured he had every right to say what he did and that I owed him. I'm sorry. . . " she couldn't go on, full of shame and remorse. Everyone remained silent, crying inwardly for both AJ, Michelle and now Howie. Howie continued to stare at her, but not out of hate. -- If anything I love her even more. Why didn't I let her tell me all this in the beginning. What a fucking idiot I am. God, maybe I could have saved her from all this pain! -- He jumped up quickly and ran from the room. Michelle flinched at his sudden departure and dissolved into heart wrenching sobs on the couch. Kevin ran over to her, shouting at the others to go after Howie. He pulled Michelle into his arms and comforted her the best he could. "I knew it! I knew he'd hate me! Oh God!!" Michelle wailed. Jack moved to the door and stared out pensively, slightly taken aback at Howie's reaction. Fifteen minutes later, Brian returned and spoke quietly to Jack. "He's outside with Nick and AJ. He's sort of calm but, I don't know. . . Said he just needs to think about things and to tell Michelle he does love her." Brian shrugged helplessly. Jack looked at him with compassion as he placed a hand on his shoulder. "Thanks, Brian. Why don't you guys take him home. Do me a favor though?" Brian nodded, "Stay with them." Brian left and Jack walked over to Kevin who was cradling Michelle against his chest. Michelle had cried herself to sleep. He relayed what Brian had said and then, "Take her home, Kevin. I seriously doubt any of you can handle any more of this tonight. Here's a few tranquilizers. Give her one if you feel it necessary, should make her sleep too." Kevin picked up Michelle and then walked side by side with Jack to the elevator. "Call me in the morning and we'll schedule appointments for Monday. But if you need me at all before then, I'll come over, ok?" Jack said while hitting the elevator button. It was almost 1:30 a.m. by the time Kevin got Michelle back to his house. He couldn't take her to Howie's, he didn't know if Howie wanted her there right now. He couldn't take her to her house, what if Kimberly came home? After he got her settled into bed in one of the guest rooms, he called AJ and Howie's house. "Nick? Hey man, what's going on over there? What's up with Howie? How's AJ?" Kevin asked quickly, while dropping onto a chair. "Kevin, slow down. Howie has said nothing since the hospital. He came home and went right up to his room. He won't talk to any of us. AJ is basically camped out by his door waiting for him. Damn, Kev, this is a freaking mess!" Nick paced back and forth through the kitchen as he spoke, nervously running a hand through his hair. "I know, Nick. Ah, listen, I know we've got some explaining to do to you and Brian, but we'll leave it for another day. Please don't say anything to the girls about that, ok? I'm so freaking beat and I don't want to leave her alone, so I'll talk to you in the morning. And, ah, Telly mentioned that the girls were all planning on coming here first thing tomorrow to plan a welcome home thing for us. Do me a favor and call Patti and Lauren and tell them not to come over. I don't know what AJ wants Patti to know, so I guess you should talk to him first, ok?" Kevin locked up the house and shut lights off as he talked to Nick. "Ok, I'll do whatever I can. But, what do we do in the meantime? I mean, AJ can't sit outside of Howie's room all night and Howie needs to get things off his mind, you know?" "Fuck, Nick, I don't know anymore. Just you and Brian keep an eye on them and try to get AJ into his own room. If Howie does come out, tell him to call me." Kevin ended the conversation and went back to the guest room. Michelle was lying in the bed, awake, but not moving. She heard Kevin enter and watched him walk slowly towards her. "You're up?" he asked quietly. "Yeah - Kevin?" she shifted on the bed so she was facing him. "Yeah?" "Would you mind just holding me?" she said it so softly he almost didn't make it out. He shed his pants and shirt and climbed on the bed, lying down beside her and pulling her into his arms. She rested her head against his chest and listened to his heart beating for several minutes before speaking. "I want you to know that I really appreciate you being here for me, but I think this time you ought to be with Howie. He's one of your best friends and I'm sure he needs you now." she kept her gaze down at his chest as he held her. "You know Howie, Babe. He needs to think things over, alone, before he's ready to talk to anyone. Nick, Brian and AJ are with him now and he won't even talk to them." He softly kissed the top of her head and gently rubbed her back. "Why did all this have to happen? Did you know he asked me and Kim to move in with him and AJ last night? God, this day started out so perfectly. The sun was shining gloriously, everyone was in ecstatic moods. All I kept thinking about all day long was that in less than twenty-four hours I'd be in his arms again, telling him how much I loved him. Now look, it's all ruined!" she was remarkably calm, "I told you and Nick months ago that he would hate me for my past." He pulled away to look into her eyes, "Babe, he doesn't hate you. At the hospital he told Brian to tell you he still loved you. Just give him a little time to absorb everything that happened tonight. It's been one hell of a day. All of us were worried sick Friday night when AJ took off and we spent all day today worrying about him, calling him and rearranging things so we could get back here. Howie was almost out of his mind that his best friend was gone and he didn't know where. We all knew why, but by then it was too late." Kevin's voice broke slightly and he turned his face towards the pillow. She lightly kissed his neck and hugged him tighter. They both fell asleep soon thereafter without speaking again.