A NEW DAY by Michelle T © 2000 FEEDBACK?: mtktmt@aol.com CHAPTER THIRTY FOUR Carey finished stitching Howie's hand and told him where to find the others. He helped him off the table and held his jacket out to him. "D? You sure you're okay? You look exhausted and.." "Yeah, Carey, I'm, ah, alright. Incredibly tired though. I'm just really worried about Michelle and her state of mind. She just doesn't seem to get it that I really do love her. Hell, if I didn't, would I even be here?" Howie was hurting. He told himself he could get past the thing with AJ and Michelle but didn't understand why she couldn't comprehend how much he loved her. "Howie, you just keep telling her that if that's what you really feel. She's scared, confused and hating herself. How can you feel love if you hate yourself?" Carey walked him out of the examination room and towards Nick, who was waiting patiently in the hall. Howie looked over to Carey and smiled slightly, "Maybe you should change your specialty, Carey, and get into psychotherapy?" Carey chuckled and directed them to the elevators. "Call me tomorrow and let me know how it's going, ok?" "Yeah, thanks Carey. You're a good friend." Howie slapped his back affectionately and indicated to Nick to join him. ************************* Michelle stood nervously by the window, biting her thumb nail. -- Oh god, what do I say to him? -- Jack led AJ into the dim office and cleared his throat. Michelle turned at the sound and let out a small gasp, before rushing towards AJ. "Oh, AJ, I'm so sorry!" She threw her arms around his neck and held him tightly. AJ wasn't expecting her reaction and stood stunned. Tears slid down his face as he stood there immobilized. Slowly, he wrapped his arms around her. -- Oh thank god! She doesn't hate me! -- "I'm sorry, Michelle. God, I didn't mean it. I love you so much. I'm so sorry." They stayed in each other's arms for several minutes, crying softly and holding each other for dear life. Jack sat on the credenza and watched them silently. -- This is going to be easier than I expected. -- AJ and Michelle broke apart, unwillingly, upon feeling Jack's hands on their shoulders. "Let's sit, shall we?" They both nodded and walked the few feet to the chairs, holding hands. "Ok, let's get this over with. AJ, what happened to you today?" Carey leaned back against the credenza and lit a cigarette. "Can I have one of those?" AJ asked. "Me too!" "Sure," he handed them each a cigarette with a slight chuckle and held a match out to them. "Thanks, Dr. Towers." "AJ, call me Jack. I hate that stuffy doctor crap," Jack said with a smile. They all sat in silence for a few minutes, smoking and thinking. AJ looked at him gratefully and then took a deep breath. "You know? If I'm going to do this, I'd rather the guys hear it too," AJ said softly, looking questionably at Michelle. She nodded in agreement and squeezed his hand before putting her cigarette out. Jack nodded his head and strode over to the door. As he stepped out, Nick and Howie were entering. Jack looked at Howie and smiled comfortingly. "Hi, you must be Howie. Michelle's described you so often, I'd know you anywhere." He said shaking his hand. Howie looked surprised, then smiled widely. "Nice to meet you." Kevin introduced Jack to Nick and then Jack asked them all to come in. A few eyebrows were raised and Jack explained, "AJ wants to explain, not just to Michelle, but to all of you. I think it's a wise decision. This day has been hell enough without having him, or her, go through it over and over. Come on in, it's okay." They all entered slowly and with trepidation. Michelle and AJ turned in their seats and stood up cautiously. Kevin was the first to move towards them. He engulfed Michelle in a hug and then looked back at her, running his fingers lightly over the small bandage on her forehead. "You okay?" he asked softly. She nodded and pulled him back against her. "I'm so sorry, Kevin. I didn't mean to cause so much grief," she whispered. He squeezed her lightly and said, "I love you and everything is going to be okay." He let go and moved over to hug AJ. "You okay, Bone?" AJ returned his hug hesitantly, nodded and gave him a slight smile. Howie went to Michelle next, tears filling his eyes as he hugged her. She clung to him and cried. Jack came towards them and guided them to the sofa along the left wall. They stood before it, in each other's arms for several moments, oblivious to their friends in the room. Jack walked back to Brian and Nick who were hesitating by the door. He pulled them in gently and closed the door behind them. Kevin sat in the chair Michelle had vacated, next to AJ. Nick and Brian leaned against the right wall. Michelle and Howie finally broke apart and sat gingerly on the sofa. Howie grabbed her left hand and gave her a slight smile, before turning his head towards AJ. He looked at him momentarily, feeling AJ's remorse. Howie nodded slightly to him and said, "Ok, Bone, talk to us." AJ took a deep breath and started talking, directly to Howie, "It started a few days ago. I couldn't get Deanna out of my head." He paused and shook his head, "I kept picturing her being all alone, struggling with her thoughts and. . . I looked out into the sea of faces at the show last night and watched the fans freaking out, happy and having a great time. As I danced and sang all I kept thinking was that the same time last year, my best friend was killing herself while I jumped around on a stage before thousands of happy people," he gasped out a small sob and turned his eyes to the ceiling, "I flew out of the venue the second the show was done and jumped into a cab. I couldn't think straight. I just knew I had to get away from all that. After a couple of hours of just driving around, I finally had the cab driver bring me all the way here from Miami. I got in about four this morning, I think." He paused, crushed out his cigarette and took another deep breath, "I just sat and looked at pictures and home videos of her from the past three years. I cried like a freaking baby for hours. I'd been drinking the whole time and must have passed out. When I woke up about six tonight, I was so numb. I went into the studio and played some old songs Deanna loved. I called Michelle, hoping she'd come over to cry with me and make me feel better. She was always able to talk me out of my sorrows," he turned to Michelle and looked at her with love and gratitude, then guilt, "I swear Michelle, when I called you, I had no bad intentions, I just wanted you with me.." he reached over, grabbed her hand and looked at her with tears sliding down his face. Michelle stared back at him, tears spilling from her eyes and nodded slightly. Nick's eyes were cast down to the floor, his arms folded over his chest, his blonde hair hanging over his face, remembering Deanna. Brian had sunk down along the wall, his hands holding his knees tight against him, looking up at the ceiling, aching for AJ. Kevin lifted his head from his hands, turned to AJ and placed an arm around his shoulders for support. Howie moved slowly to the edge of the couch and firmly placed his hand over AJ's and Michelle's. "Bone, we know you'd never hurt anyone on purpose, least of all Michelle." AJ shot him a grateful look, "What next?" Howie asked. AJ pulled his hand away from them, stood up, walked a few steps towards Jack and then turned back around to his friends. With his hands covering his eyes, he continued. "The cd we all made with Kimberly and Michelle a while ago must have been in the player, because it suddenly came on and kind of threw me for a loop. I listened to it for a while and about half way through, I got really pissed off, remembering how much fun we had that day. I remember thinking that Deanna would never have fun like that again, but Michelle still could, cause she was saved. I got so damn mad thinking about Kevin and Michelle and them trying to kill themselves. I flew into a rage and started kicking and hitting everything I could. When I finally tired out, I sat at the piano and cried. That's when Michelle came in, I guess." He stopped and looked up at everyone. They all were staring at him with tears rolling down their faces. Kevin jumped up and grabbed him fiercely, hugging him so tight. "Jesus, AJ, why didn't I insist you talk to Jack sooner. Fucking christ, I should have known!" Jack moved over to them and drew them apart. "Don't start blaming yourself, Kevin. You can't force someone to seek help if they aren't ready." Kevin nodded and Jack eased them back into their seats. "Go on, AJ." Bent over, with his head in his hands, AJ continued, "When I felt Michelle's arms go around me, I just snapped and said so many horrible things." He looked up and turned to her. "I swear I didn't mean them. I was just confused. Deanna and I never had a sexual relationship. She had said that she loved our friendship too much to complicate it and potentially ruin it. I was hurt by that, but never told her. Memories of when we first met you flew into my head and all I could think of was that I had wanted you from the very beginning and you had said the same thing to me. That you didn't want to ruin our friendship with sex. Well, I got so mad because you'd slept with Kevin and Howie.." "KEVIN?" both Nick and Brian looked over at him in shock, then looked at Kevin sharply. Kevin shot them a dark look and shook his head. AJ continued, "I had thought that maybe if Deanna and I had been more intimate, I'd have known she needed my help. I confused those thoughts with you and something inside of me decided that I wasn't going to let you get away with the just friends crap." He dropped out of his seat and kneeled before Howie and Michelle. "I'm sorry, I really am. I swear I haven't even thought of you in that way since Key West. I respect you and Howie and your relationship totally. I never ever wanted to come between you." He finished by whispering, "I'm sorry!" Everyone was deathly quiet, watching AJ and Michelle. Michelle leaned forwards and wrapped her arms around AJ's shoulders and cradled him against her. "It's okay, AJ, I know you're sorry and I know you didn't mean it. It's okay," Howie looked down at his friend and grabbed his shoulder, "Bone, I'm sorry too. I wish I was there for you."