A NEW DAY 
by Michelle T
© 2000

CHAPTER THIRTY- ONE 

Howie stood up and turned to AJ.  "You should go to bed or something.  Don't 
just sit here and keep drinking, it won't help."

AJ looked up at him and replied softly, "I won't, I swear.  I need to talk to 
Michelle, if she'll let me.  I need to fix this."

"Stay here. I'll see what's going on upstairs.  Ok?"  Howie sighed deeply and 
walked towards the door.  AJ leaned back on the couch and closed his eyes.  
The cd they had made was still playing, he had it set for continuous play.  
He heard Kim's and Nick's voices as they belted out their rendition of Baby 
One More Time.  He smiled slightly and then groaned realizing that he alone 
has destroyed all the happiness they've all shared for the last six months.  

**************************

Howie walked down the hall and into the living room.  He saw Brian and Nick 
sitting on the couches, staring off into space.  They both jumped when they 
realized he was in the room.  He looked at them and sat on the couch with 
Nick.

"D? You okay?" Nick asked tentatively.

"I don't know, I'm numb," he replied quietly.  They sat in uncomfortable 
silence for a while.

Brian watched Howie just sit there and stare at the wall.  -- I wish I knew 
what to say. --  He finally got up and went into the kitchen.  He grabbed a 
few sodas and brought them back into the living room.  He handed them out, 
without speaking and sat back down.  Nick shifted uncomfortably on the other 
couch and sighed a few times.

"Where's AJ?" he finally asked looking at Howie.

"In the studio," Howie answered not looking at him, "I guess someone should 
stay with him."

Nick looked at Brian and shook his head.  Brian understood and said he'd go.  
He walked down to the studio and hesitated before entering.  AJ was leaning 
against the sound booth, listening to the cd playing.  He turned when he 
sensed someone was behind him.  Brian saw the anguish on his face and felt 
his heart go out to him.  -- No matter what, he's my brother. --  Brian 
walked over to AJ and put an arm around his shoulder.

"Bone, you okay?"

"Not really, Bri.  I've fucked up so bad and no matter what I do or say, I 
can't take any of it back.  I don't know what to do," he said lifelessly.

"I know.  I'm sorry.  I wish I knew what to say too.  This is all so unreal." 
Brian sighed deeply and put his hands in his jeans pockets.

******************************

Michelle didn't sleep, how could she?  She had a hundred things going through 
her head and couldn't organize her thoughts.  One second she was condemning 
herself, the next she was furious at AJ. -- How could this have happened? I 
need to talk to everyone and get this straightened out.  What do I do?  I 
can't bail out on Kimberly again, but how do I survive this? How does this 
just go away? How do I make it up to Howie? What does Kevin think?  Will AJ 
and I ever get past this? Fuck! --

Kevin stood at the window, alternately staring outwards and then watching 
Michelle.  She hadn't moved in almost an hour.  He knew she wasn't sleeping, 
her breathing was irregular. --  How do I help her?  How do I help AJ?  
Christ, what Howie must be going through.  He's gonna break eventually.  He 
can't keep calm like this. I've got to call Telly.  Where the hell is Kim? --

"Michelle!" he startled her and she sat up quickly searching for him, 
"Where's Kimberly?"

Michelle saw him leaning against the window. -- God, he looks awful.--  
"She's with Telly. Oh god, I better call her!" 

She climbed out of bed and ran into the hall, momentarily disoriented.  Kevin 
followed her quickly and guided her down the stairs.  They walked into the 
living room silently and Michelle froze at the sight of Howie and Nick 
sitting there.  They both turned as they heard her small, sharp intake of 
breath.  Her eyes darted quickly back and forth between the two. -- Oh God, 
what do I do? --

Howie jumped up and went over to her.  He searched her eyes to gauge her 
state of mind.  She stared back confused and unsure of herself.

He pulled her gently towards him and hugged her fiercely.  "Oh Babe, you had 
me so scared."

She clung to him, afraid to say anything, and cried quietly.  Kevin said he'd 
call Telly to see how Kim was doing and walked into the kitchen.  Nick got up 
quietly and followed him.

Howie led her over to the sofa and they sat down together.  Michelle kept her 
head down, staring at Howie's hand clasped between both of hers.  After a few 
moments, Howie gently lifted her head to look at him, "Talk to me," he said 
quietly.

Michelle shook lightly from head to toe, her chin and lips trembling.  Howie 
bent over and kissed her cheek softly.  "It's okay, just tell me what 
happened."

*************************

Brian led AJ from the studio towards the kitchen, having finally convinced 
him that staying in there was unhealthy and that he needed some coffee or 
food.   As they passed the entrance to the living room, AJ stopped suddenly 
and stared at Howie and Michelle sitting on the couch, their backs to him.  
He let out a tiny groan and clutched his stomach, feeling instantly nauseous. 
 Brian reached out, caught his arm and pulled him into the kitchen.  Nick sat 
at the round table, a newspaper opened before him, but not reading. 

Brian guided AJ to the table and he fell into the seat next to Nick, 
instantly putting his head in his hands.  Kevin watched them cautiously while 
ending his phone conversation with Telly, promising to call her in the 
morning.  Brian set about making a pot of coffee.  Nick looked over at AJ and 
felt sympathy and remorse for punching him.  He placed his hand on AJ's back 
and patted it softly.  No one knew what to say.  

AJ got up and walked towards the kitchen door.  Kevin started to go after 
him, but stopped when he saw AJ lean against the door dejectedly, just 
looking into the living room.

**************************

Michelle didn't know what to say.  She just looked at Howie for several 
minutes, with quiet tears streaming down her face.  In her mind she couldn't 
get over the fact that he was sitting here, next to her, holding her hand and 
not throwing her out of his house.

"Howie," she said finally, "don't blame any of this on AJ.  He's been your 
friend for so long and this isn't his fault."   AJ took a step forward, but 
Kevin rushed over and held him back.  AJ looked at him with imploring eyes, 
but Kevin shook his head and held him firmly in place.

"I don't deserve you, Howie.  For god's sakes, I slept with Kevin the first 
night meeting him, I slept with you on the third day I knew you, and all 
along I've flirted outrageously with AJ.  I didn't think I was doing any harm 
at the time.  I just enjoyed his company and he's never been anything but 
sweet and kind and loving.  I pushed him to his limit."  She dropped her 
eyes, "I don't know exactly what I did lately to cause him to break, but.  "

AJ made a strangled cry and Michelle and Howie whipped around at the sound.  
Michelle nearly fell off the couch but Howie caught her in time.  She stood 
up quickly facing AJ.

"AJ, oh god, I'm so sorry.  I didn't mean to do this to you!"

AJ stumbled forwards, pulling Kevin along.  Kevin released his hold and AJ 
went to the back of the couch and held out his hands.

"Michelle, please, you didn't do anything!  It's all me!  Christ, I'm so 
sorry!" The ravaged look on his face caused Michelle to fall back onto the 
couch on her knees and she grabbed him quickly around his waist and held on 
to him.  

"Don't!  You didn't do anything wrong, I did!"

"STOP IT!  It's not you.  I swear!  It's because of Deanna!  God, I've been 
killing myself for the last few days, because I wasn't there for her.  I'm 
sorry I took out all my anger on you." AJ croaked out his words hoarsely, "I 
didn't mean to."

"Deanna?  What are you talking about?" Michelle pulled back and looked at him 
strangely.  "What does Deanna have to do with me?"

"God, Michelle, I don't know what I was thinking.  I was so enraged that she 
just killed herself and didn't care enough about me to consider how I'd feel 
when she was gone.  I'm so mad at her even now.  I wasn't thinking rationally 
earlier.  I didn't call you to hurt you.  When you showed up, I was. - I 
don't know, I was just so furious.  I didn't mean to take it out on you." he 
looked down at her, seeing her confusion.

"AJ, you said I was a whore and you're right.  You said I've fucked with you 
since the day we met and you're right.  You didn't do anything I didn't 
deserve!  You know that!  I told you earlier it was okay.  I tried to show 
you that everything you said and did was the truth!"  Michelle's voice rose 
higher as she spoke, "You're so right, AJ!" she quickly got off the couch and 
backed away from him.  She looked over at Howie and cringed at his tears.   
She looked past AJ to see Kevin right behind him and Nick and Brian at the 
door way, all with tears in their eyes.  "Howie, I'm sorry I've hurt you.  
I've never loved anyone the way I've loved you, but this can't go on.  I 
can't stand here and watch the people I love most in the world destroy their 
lives because of me." she slowly backed away from them all.  "God, next thing 
you know I'll probably be fucking Brian or Nick!  I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.  I 
swear I'll never ever bother any of you again!" She turned quickly to run 
towards the door, blinded by tears and not seeing the entertainment center 
right behind her.  Her head smashed against the hard surface and her eyes 
glazed over as she fell to the floor.
 
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