A NEW DAY by Michelle T © 2000 CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO When they returned to their suite, everyone headed off to their respective rooms to shower and change. Kimberly went with Michelle and Kevin and used their bathroom. While she was in there, Michelle flopped onto her bed, groaning how tired she was. Kevin laughed and teased her about the varied events of the day. Finally, he got serious and stretched out next to her on her bed. "So, you and Howie?" he asked with raised eyebrows. Michelle turned her head towards him smiling and asked, "Me and Howie, what?" He tickled her stomach affectionately and replied, "You did it, huh? I want dirty details." "Kevin! You sure are nosy. But, what makes you think that anyway?" she asked trying to remain nonchalant. "Well, aside from the fact that you've had a huge smile on your face all damn day, you two couldn't take your eyes off each other, nor keep your hands to yourself." he was starting to make her squirm. "I'd rather not talk about it," she said and turning over so that her back was to him. "What's up? I'm happy for you. Why are you reacting like this?" he asked leaning over her to peer into her eyes. "Kevin, I've slept with two men in the last three days. While both were incredibly enjoyable, I do feel somewhat dirty about it," she said slowly avoiding his eyes. He sat up and looked out towards the window. "I'm sorry about that, it's my fault," "No, it isn't, it's mine and it's my conscience that is suffering," So much for the big smile on my face, she thought. "Cut it out, Michelle. Just let it go. You can't do this to yourself. Neither Howie or I think badly of what's happened between us and you. You and I weren't planned, it was just one of those things. If it bothered Howie, he would have said so or he wouldn't have begun a relationship with you. You and I have already talked about us and I thought we were okay with it." He had a disturbed look on his face. "Kevin, you don't understand." She said turning back to him. "I know what you and I talked about and I know what we said about staying just friends, but there were times when I looked at you today, I thought about us making love and how good it feels to be in your arms, and I like those thoughts. And then every time I look at Howie, I want him just as much and my heart beats faster thinking of being in his arms too." She sighed heavily and closed her eyes, "This is just too confusing." Kevin laid aside her remaining quiet. He couldn't believe she just vocalized the same feelings he'd had throughout the day, about her. He felt just as badly as she did, he realized. Here he was in love with Telly, but entranced with Michelle. He didn't want to lose her, he wanted her to be in his life, even if it meant living with guilt. "Michelle," he said turning back onto his side and turning her head to look at him. Before continuing he leaned over and kissed her lips lightly. "I'm in love with Telly and you are in love with Howie. And that is good. They are both very special people and they deserve the best we can give them. Neither one of us knows yet how much we can give them, but for now that is our best. Howie really does deserve you. He is kind, caring, loyal and perfect for you in every way. You two both come to life a little more when you are around each other. Telly is also incredibly good to me and for me. She's sweet, supportive, trusting and makes me feel so loved." He gently brushed away the tears that were silently sliding down her cheek. "But then there is you and me. We have a strong need for each other, not just sexually, but emotionally. We are alike, inside, in so many ways. We've shared the same fears, have felt our lives slipping away from us and now we both live with more than our share of guilt, inner turmoil and the need to regain control and make everything right again. We cannot let go of each other now. We've only just found each other and if we happen to be sexually attracted to each other too, then I say we just consider that another blessing and not another failure. All of our feelings and emotions are so new and fresh. We need time, lots of time, to sort out our true feelings and we need to do it together. We need to keep an open line of communication. We need to be able to trust each other enough to just say or do what we are feeling. If you and I end up making love again, we can't let ourselves believe that we are really betraying them or ourselves. Totally unconventional way of thinking, I know, but we need each other. Any time you need me, I promise with my whole heart and soul that I will be there. Do you understand?" Kimberly had emerged from the bathroom in time to hear Kevin's promise. She stood frozen by the bathroom door clutching her wet towel and swimsuit. Michelle wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him towards her, hugging him fiercely. "Kevin, how do you always know what to say?" she asked quietly against his ear. God, she did need him! She loved him more than she thought she was capable of loving. It was a totally different love than what she felt for Kimberly, or Howie, or Patti. This was a new kind of love for her and she was overwhelmed with the magnitude of it. "And I promise with my whole heart and sole that I will be there for you too, any time, any place. You ever need me and I'll come running, I swear!" she said passionately and sobbed in his arms more so than she'd done in years, releasing all her anger, shame, guilt. She felt his shoulders shaking as he cried against her too. He was so right. They needed to help each other and no one else on this earth could take each other's place. Upon hearing her mother's anguish, Kimberly sunk to the floor and placed her head on her knees and cried along with them, her sobs gone unheard for several moments. Michelle suddenly jumped up and climbed over Kevin, startling him. She cried out when she saw her little girl and dropped to her knees before her, pulling her against her and hugging her with all her might. "Oh Baby, oh God, I'm so sorry. I love you so much. I'm so sorry." She kept saying those words over and over and over. Kevin flew off the bed and pulled them both up, into his arms. He backed them up towards the bed and sat down, pulling Kimberly onto his lap, holding her against him tightly and rocking her back and forth. He pulled Michelle against him with his right arm and she clasped Kimberly's hand. "Please don't cry, Sweetie, please. We're going to be okay now. We're going to be okay." She leaned her head down onto Kimberly's hand and silently begged her for forgiveness, while she continued to cry until she felt Kimberly start to calm down. She looked up into her blue eyes and saw hope. "Kevin," Kimberly said softly looking up at him, "do you mean it? Do you really promise to help my mom?" Kevin softened his hold on her and pushed her back slightly to look her straight in the eyes, "I absolutely promise, and not just your mom, but you too. If you ever need a friend, a big brother, an uncle or anything, you can come to me, too! Ok?" She nodded her head and smiled slightly before turning to her mother. "Mommy, I'm sorry. I promise to be a better kid and.." "NO! Don't ever say that! You have been the best daughter a mother could have ever asked for. You are not to blame for anything! Do you understand? None of this is your fault! You saved me, Kimmie! I love you so much, Baby and you saved me! I let myself get into this mess and I promise you, until the day I die old and gray, that I will be here for you! I love you and you are the one that saved me!!" Michelle said passionately, as she pulled her daughter to her. "Don't even think you ever did anything to make me try to kill myself. It was never you. Never you!" Kimberly clung to her mother while Kevin stroked her back softly. "Kim," he said softly, "I tried to kill myself a long time ago, too." Kimberly looked at him shocked. "Your mom is not the only one who has ever gotten so sad like that. She and I know what each other felt when we wanted to die. We are going to help each other deal with things. And if you let me, I want to help you to, help you have a new and happy life in Florida. Heck, I can even introduce you to those N'Sync guys, if you want." He ended rolling his eyes. Both Michelle and Kimberly laughed a little at him. He hugged them both and pushed her off his lap and stood up. "Now, I'm going to shower, that's if you left me any hot water." He ruffled her hair and went into the bathroom. "He's really nice." Kim said staring after him. "Yes, he is. He's a good friend and now you've got Nick and the others as good friends too. We are going to have a happy life from now on. No more misery, if I can help it. And we are going to find Auntie Patti in Orlando and tell her we love her and get her back into our life too. Ok?" Michelle looked deeply into her child's eyes, "Are you okay, Sweetie?" Kim nodded her head and stood up, bending back down to give her mother one more hug, "I love you, Mom. Thank you for coming back for me." She smiled and kissed her cheek, then she picked up her towel and swimsuit and walked out of the room. Michelle sat for a few moments, feeling drained, yet renewed. She got up slowly, dried her eyes and walked into the living room. She could hear Nick and Brian arguing in their room and Kimberly laughing at them. She smiled slightly and walked towards Howie's closed door. She tapped lightly leaning against the door frame. AJ pulled the door open quickly, surprising her. He laughed quickly and then stopped when he saw her faint smile. He pulled her into the room and hugged her tightly. "You okay?" he asked with his voice filled with concern. He noticed her puffy red eyes. "Yeah, Sexy, I'm okay. I need to see Howie," she said softly while hugging him back. He nodded his head and walked her over to the bathroom. "Hey D! Open up." Howie opened the door and was surprised to see AJ pushing Michelle towards him, "Someone needs to see ya." AJ said softly as he turned and grabbed his sunglasses and hat off his bed and left the room. Howie looked at Michelle as she closed the space between them and wrapped her arms around his waist. His arms automatically enveloped her and he gently kissed her head. "I just want to tell you that I Love You!" she said pulling back to look into his eyes, "You don't have to love me back the same way, but I need you to know how I feel." He pulled her back against him and hugged her tightly. "I do love you too!" "Will you come out with me tonight, just the two of us?" she asked against his chest. "Definitely! I have to go out now and take care of a few things. I'll find a nice restaurant and make us reservations, ok?" he bent down and kissed her again. "Great! I have to lie down for a while, but I'll be ready when you are." She said smiling at him.