A NEW DAY 
by Michelle T
© 2000

CHAPTER TEN

"Michelle, why did you try to kill yourself?" Kevin asked softly.  

Michelle pulled away from AJ a bit but still held on to him and looked over 
at Kevin.  "You sure you want to know?" she asked fearfully.  He nodded and 
caressed her leg through the blanket.  "Please, tell us." He said.  

Michelle looked over to Howie, who nodded and squeezed her shoulder gently.  
Then she looked up at AJ, who was staring at her with eyes full of emotion.  
He wanted to know what could cause someone so young, just like Deanna, to 
want to end her life, but he was afraid of her reasons at the same time.  
Finally, he closed his eyes briefly, sighed and then gave her a light squeeze 
of support and said, "We need to know."

Michelle took a deep breath and wasn't sure where to start.  She closed her 
eyes and finally said slowly, "I'm not sure when it all started to get to me, 
but I'll tell you straight out that three of the people I loved dearly in my 
life were alcoholics.  My mom, my brother Matt and my husband, Rob.  My mom 
ended up getting very sick and she died because of it, about three years 
ago," she paused and opened her eyes, "Then about a year and a half after 
that, Matt and his friends were out partying.  Matt lived in Orlando and was 
having the time of his life.  He was 24, very good looking, had a great 
personality and a great job as an artist at Disney.  My mom's death really 
affected him and he started drinking more and more.  One night, him and a 
couple of friends were killed when their car went off a bridge." she took a 
moment to catch her breath, "Matt wasn't driving, but all three of them were 
too drunk to think logically and they couldn't get out and they all died…. 
God, I was so freaked out by it.  I couldn't even face coming down here to 
his funeral.  My baby sister, Patti, lived down here too and I made her go 
through the whole hellish scene alone.  We've barely spoken since." Tears 
were rolling down her face as she thought of her sister. "My husband was 
always a heavy drinker.  I married him, knowing he drank too much, but we 
were so young and I was pregnant with Kimberly.  I did love him truly for 
many years; it just started eating me up inside as the years went on.  I had 
a pretty good job in a small law firm, but my boss was lazy and I ended up 
taking on all the responsibilities.  Eventually, I started questioning myself 
about why I felt everything was so out of control and convinced myself that I 
was just being weak.  I pushed myself harder to be a good daughter, a good 
mother, a good wife, and a good employee.  After my brother's death, I sort 
of snapped.  He was so young and shouldn't have died.  I got withdrawn and 
stopped being a good mother and a good wife and a good employee," Michelle 
took another deep breath and released it, "One night, last November, Rob was 
out as usual and Kimberly was being so good and hanging out in her room, 
listening to music and reading.  For some reason, I just felt it was time, so 
I went in the bathroom and slit my wrist."  She looked up then and all three 
men were crying silently.  She lowered her eyes again and continued, "I woke 
up two days later in the hospital.  I felt defeated, dejected, disgusted.  
The first thing I thought of after I woke up was, 'What the hell did I just 
do to my daughter?'  I was so mad at myself!  Here I have a beautiful, smart, 
funny and perfect child and I wrecked her life.  God, she'd already been 
through enough with the deaths of my mom and brother and seeing Rob drunk so 
often.  I was so mad at myself for only thinking of escaping and not being 
stronger for her……… But, it turns out that was a good thing, getting mad.  
It helped clear my head.  I met with several doctors and they encouraged my 
anger.  I spent a lot of time cursing my mom and my brother for dying.  And 
then, I spent a lot of time cursing my husband for heading in their 
direction, the only difference being; he was there physically for me to 
scream at.  In the long run, it didn't help him.  He continued drinking and a 
few weeks after; I moved me and Kim out and filed for a divorce.  Rob was 
furious and didn't understand.  I had spent so many years indulging and 
putting up with his drinking and now I was quitting on him.  He was rather 
bitter, but eventually we got to a place where we could meet and talk like 
civilized people.  Kim went through hell during all of this, of course.  
That's my biggest regret, letting her see my breakdown and then tearing apart 
her family.  It took a lot of appointments at the psychologists to help us 
both.  We both discovered humor as a great source of medicine.  We started 
being really goofy with each other.  We shopped a lot and bought loads of new 
music and went to concerts and carnivals and all those other fun things you 
are suppose to do with your children.  She brightened up considerably after a 
while.  But then, in May, her world came crashing down again.  Rob was at 
work, had a few beers during lunch with his drinking buddies and then he 
caused a major accident on the highway and died."  Michelle stopped and 
opened her eyes once again.  She reached over Howie for the water bottle on 
the table between the beds.  She drank some and sighed.  "That's my story 
basically.  I'm ashamed of myself…but I survived and I'm back to being the 
real me.  I'm not totally out of control anymore.  I'm rarely ever depressed. 
 I have a lot of heartache to make up to Kimmie and that's what I intend on 
doing.  Just making her happy!" she said forcefully.  After a minute, "God, I 
need a cigarette!" she added.

AJ pulled back from his embrace and said with a surprised expression, "You 
smoke?" 

She laughed a little and said, "Occasionally, but after all that, that's all 
you've got to say?"  

She looked over at Kevin and he was smiling at her.  "Michelle, thank you for 
telling us.  I know how hard it was for you to relive all that.  I'm proud of 
you."  He reached over and took her bandaged hand in his and kissed her 
fingertips.  She smiled slightly with fresh tears rolling down her face.  But 
they were gentler tears, tears of release.  

Howie rubbed her back and bent over to kiss her cheek.  "Michelle, I'm proud 
of you too.  You are a very strong person and I'm honored to have gotten a 
chance to know you."

"Yeah, me too," said AJ kissing her forehead.  "Now, we can concentrate on 
knowing the full of life you and the fun you and the happy you!"

Michelle smiled widely and said, "I'd like that, Sexy! And you two, also," 
she said looking at Kevin and then Howie, "I want to know the real you.  All 
of you have been so wonderful and as crazy as this may sound, I already love 
you guys."  She pulled away from AJ's embrace and wiped her face with her 
hands.  "Now, Kevin, I expect to hear your story later, but right now, I have 
to go to the bathroom and then check on my daughter."  

Howie got off the bed and then helped her up.  She pulled him into a real hug 
and held him tightly.  He held her just as tightly and asked, "Are you 
hungry, Babe?"  She nodded her head against his chest. He pulled her around 
the bed and gave her to Kevin.  "I'll see if room service is still operating 
and get us all something." He smiled at them and left the room.  

Kevin had wrapped his arms around her now and she held onto him tightly.  She 
felt so much comfort in his embrace.  He was so much bigger than she was and 
she felt safe in his arms.  They didn't say anything, just hugged for several 
moments.  Finally, AJ got up and pulled her good arm towards him.  She 
released Kevin and felt AJ's arms around her.  She held him a little tighter 
than the others and whispered, "Thank you, AJ" She let go of him and walked 
towards the bathroom, "Thank you both for everything!" They turned towards 
the door and Kevin said he'd check on Kimberly for her.  

AJ headed to his room and returned a few moments later with something in his 
hand.  He went to the bathroom door and knocked gently.  "Michelle, you still 
decent?" he asked.  

She chuckled and said, "Yeah, I am.  It's not too easy pulling your pants 
down with one hand, you know." He opened the door, entered and closed it 
behind him.  He put the toilet seat down and made her sit on it, then he put 
a cigarette to his mouth and lit it and passed it to her.  

"Oh my god, AJ, you are fantastic," she said happily, and then took a long 
drag.  "Thanks!"  

He chuckled and lit one for himself and then sat up on the counter.  
"Michelle? I am sorry I freaked out earlier, but I think it was a good thing 
in the long run, I've held my emotions in for so long……. I still need to 
deal with it more, I know, but I guess this was a start" AJ said softly.  

"AJ, don't feel bad, I'm sorry too."  She stood up and went to stand between 
his legs and looked up into his eyes.  "Now, hurry up and finish your 
cigarette, or I'm going to pee my pants!" 

He grinned slyly and pulled on his cigarette, then pushed her back gently and 
jumped off the counter.  He flipped the toilet seat up, placed his cigarette 
between his lips and then quickly pulled her pants and panties down and 
pushed her onto the toilet. 

"Holy Shit! AJ! I can't believe you!"  She started laughing hysterically and 
bent forwards in modesty.  "Oh my god, that was a first!"  

He was holding his side from laughing so hard.  He spun around and turned the 
water faucets on full force and then said, "Ok, I'll turn my back and cover 
my ears and you can pee to your heart's content."  He spun around and leaned 
against the door.  Michelle was laughing so hard and just peed!  

When she was done, she sat there and continued smoking her cigarette.  "Okay, 
Mr. Smarty, how do you propose I finish this up?" she asked with a playful 
grin.  

AJ dragged on his cigarette and then tossed it into the sink.  "Well, I guess 
I'll just have to wipe you off and pull up your pants?" he said winking at 
her.  

She hooted and said, "I don't think so! Just hand me some tissue and turn 
around again."  He did that but after a minute he turned his head slightly 
and watched her through the mirror, struggling to pull up her pants.  He 
cracked up laughing again and turned around and yanked her pants up.  Then he 
grabbed her good arm and pulled her over to the sink.  He took her cigarette 
from her fingers and held it to her mouth for one last drag, then he dropped 
it into the sink too.  He pumped some soft soap on her hand and rubbed if 
vigorously and rinsed it off.  Michelle was still laughing like crazy as AJ 
bent behind her and flushed the toilet.  

"Oh my god, AJ, I owe you big time.  Next time I have to pee, I know whom I'm 
calling.  Perhaps we should make a secret pee code?"  

He laughed and ruffled up her hair.  "Babe, you are great!"  He slung his arm 
over her shoulder and opened the bathroom door.  

As they were walking out, Kevin walked into the room and looked at them with 
a quizzical face and a smirk.  "Partners in crime, eh? And you were smoking 
in my bathroom? Gross!" he walked passed them and grabbed some air freshener 
from the bathroom and proceeded to spray it all around, just a bit 
exaggerating.  When he was done, he came behind them and pushed them both 
towards the living room. "Let's go and eat."
 
The four of them sat companionably around the living room eating burgers and 
fries and making small talk.  When she was a little more than half-way 
through, Michelle groaned and said, "God, I'm stuffed!"  AJ reached over and 
grabbed the rest of her meal and proceeded to wolf it down.  They all laughed 
and Michelle stood up slowly and said, "I've got to check on Kim."  She 
looked at Kevin and he indicated which room with his head.  The door was 
partially open and she pushed it a little more and looked in.