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Can You Feel Me? : Chapter 30
When both of them were sitting, Brian reached out and lifted Nick's face so
that he could see it, wiping the warm tears off of Nick's cold cheeks with
his thumbs. "What made you come back, Nick?"
Nick closed his eyes, drawing in a cold breath, feeling it prickle his lungs
before the chill of it was absorbed by his body, "It was pointed out to me
that I was being a big coward, that I wasn't hurting.....that woman....I was
only hurting myself and everyone who loves me."
Brian raised an eyebrow, "Katya?"
Nick simply nodded.
"She was there with you?"
Nick nodded again, it hurt to think about her spending eternity there. She
deserved so much better.
Brian sighed, "Nick, talk to me. If anyone would understand all this, it
would be me."
Nick bit his lip, chewing on the fullness of it for a second. "I was in
Hell, Brian." The whole story spilled out of him about how it tempted you
with the comfort of not having to feel any more, he told Brian about Katya
and the countless others who were trapped there, not given the choice of
leaving like he was.
Brian told him of what he had done in the bathroom that night almost a month
ago, the last time Brian had seen Katya. He told nick of the explosion of
light and the tiny pieces that seemed to hang from the ceiling like stars.
Each friend was equally stunned and moved by the stories that were shared.
Brian looked over the lake, seeing the sun glinting over the hard skin of
ice on the surface of the water, "Is she here now? Can I see her?"
Nick shook his head, his eyes filling once again with tears, "No. I.."
Brian put his hand on Nick's shoulder in a gesture of comfort, "It's okay,
just tell me in your own time."
Nick took a halting breath and the story started.
Both Katya and Nick listened to the music that seemed to surround them. The
words wove strings of love and friendship through the air and it seemed to
encircle them.
Nick felt an odd sensation working through him and it felt almost like it he
was moving yet he was standing in the same spot.
Katya watched Nick and saw the light around him get brighter and brighter.
She also saw Nick fading in and out of focus, sometimes fading completely so
only a halo of light was left where he had been. The light spilling off of
him seemed to fill the space they were in. She knew what was happening to
him. "It's calling you back."
Nick looked at her, "What is calling me back?"
She closed her eyes for a minute, a flicker of pain splashing across her
face before being swallowed by the mask of indifference Nick was so used to
seeing. "Love, Nick. It's what has given you the gift of having a choice.
It's what we are born to learn about. It's what can kill you when you are
without it. It's what you would kill to feel again when you are trapped
here." She brought her hand to the side of his face and caressed it, "Go
back. Get help and become the strong, smart man I know you is just under the
surface. Do it for me as much as you do it for you, Nick."
Nick looked at her, "You sound like this is goodbye. Aren't you coming back
with me?"
Katya shook her head, the sadness in her eyes intensifying until her eyes
seemed to made of liquid glass. "It is goodbye, Nick. I don't know how I
know, but I know I can't go back with you. Whatever it was that I needed to
do for you has been accomplished. My work is done."
Nick shook his head and clung to Katya, afraid to let her go, "No! I need
you. I can't do this by myself, I need you with me!"
Katya smiled gently and cupped Nick's face in her hands, "I'll be with you
in spirit, Nick. Always watching over you. You just won't see me any more.
And you can do this. You've been doing all of this yourself, I've just been
nudging you in the right direction. Nick you are strong, you will get
through this and you will be even stronger because of it."
She paused and the words to the song that Nick's band members were singing
filled the room, words of comfort and reassurance. Words that Nick needed
badly at this moment. Katya could feel the shift in him and knew the
decision had been made to go back and she felt the relief wash through her,
"Good decision, Nick."
He held her tightly for a minute, trying to memorize the way she felt in his
arms. Trying to memorize every detail about this moment. Then, he let her
go. He felt her step away for a little, then his eyes flew open when he
felt a pair of lips on his. If he had a heart in this form, in this place,
it would have been beating out of his chest. He knew this was her way of
saying goodbye and wrapped his arms back around her, kissing her back before
they both stepped away and looked at each other in silence as Nick faded
away before her eyes.
Nick finished and sat silently looking out over the ice and snow in front of
him. "She gave me the courage to go back, Brian."
Brian nodded, unable to speak from all the emotions running through him.
Nick stood up, "Let's get back inside, Florida has spoiled me. I'm now too
much of a wuss to take this cold."
Brian smiled and the two of them walked side by side back to the building
where their other friends and some anxious doctors awaited them.
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