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Can You Feel Me? : Chapter 17
Kevin, Brian, AJ and Howie stood at the door to Nick's room, watching him
break down right before their eyes. It was almost too much for them to
bear. One by one they left, it was too much to watch. The last one
standing there was Brian. He leaned his forehead against the glass, his
fingertips on the image of Nick through the pane. Tears coursed down his
cheeks as he whispered softly, "Forgive me."
He slowly turned away from the door and walked down the hall to the waiting
room where the other three sat, silent and trying to grasp just how bad it
truly was. They knew instinctively there was more to the story than they
were being told. So the four of them sat, lost in their own thoughts.
Brian sat away from the others, still trying to wrap his brain around what
he had witnessed in Nick's room the night before. It seemed that everywhere
he went, he saw lights off of everyone. But the ones that threw him the most
were the lights with no people attached to them. They seemed so lost. Kind
of like how he felt right now. Nick was almost like his other half and he
felt like he was wandering around trying to find something he'd lost but
didn't know how to get back, or even where to look. He sighed and buried
his head in his hands, willing himself not to cry. It didn't work.
Katya had seen the four men in the window, feeling their presence long
before she looked up and saw them there, then she saw them leave one by one.
Brian lingering longest. She felt so bad for him. Seeing Nick like this
was killing him inside. He looked so lost. She turned her attention back
to Nick as his sobs died down. For a long while, he just sat silently in
the arms of Katya and Sterling, needing something he couldn't verbalize, but
it was something he felt with the two of them supporting him.
Nick wiped his eyes and sat up. He looked at Katya and then at the door.
Katya understood that he needed to be alone with Sterling. She nodded and
got up, kissing Nick on the forehead and walking silently out of the room.
Nick watched her go, marveling that she understood him so easily. She knew
what he wanted almost before he knew he wanted it. He looked at Sterling,
seeing the sympathy shining from his eyes. Nick folded his hands in his
lap, sat up straight and looked Sterling in the eyes, "I need to get out of
here. "
Sterling noticed the change in his demeanor and simply nodded. He sat and
listened while Nick talked. Then, together, they struck a bargain.
Katya wandered blindly through the halls of the hospital, not knowing where
she was going. There was so much pain and sadness in Nick's heart that it
weighted down her own even more than it already was. She would gladly give
up whatever existence this was if she could take away all the pain inside
him. But she knew she couldn't. It frustrated her, she knew what she
couldn't do, but what she could do, what she was there to do, was a mystery
to her.
She felt her feet stop and came crashing back into the reality that she had
been thrust into and saw a door in front of her. It was open and inviting,
calling for her, but she hesitated. Afraid what would happen to her if she
went inside.
She stood there, watching as a few people shuffled out. The glow of candles
beckoned her, offering her sanctuary. With a heart full of trepidation, she
slowly moved forward. Her hand reaching out to the plaque beside the door
that simply read "Chapel" .
The familiar scent of incense and melting candle wax surrounded her. But it
wasn't from here, no the sights and sounds that surrounded her belonged to a
memory. She shook her head and the memory receded, leaving her in the small
hospital chapel, the glow of candles and the soft strains of music replacing
the memory that had enveloped her.
Silently she treaded closer to the altar that shone under a light, the
statues of holy men and a lone woman paying silent watch to her. Before
reaching the cold marble of the altar, she seemed to be pulled by some force
beyond her to one of the statues. It looked down upon her in love and
understanding, the sculptor taking painstaking care to make the features as
life like as possible. His arms were open, inviting. His upturned palms
almost begged you to put your burdens in them.
Katya felt a splash on her arm and looked down, not realizing that tears had
started to fall from her eyes. She hadn't even known that she was able to
cry anymore. She looked back up at the statue, imploring it with her
sadness filled eyes, silently begging for a reason why she was here. But
she knew there would be no answer.
Despair filled her, the sadness swirled around her heavying her heart even
more. As much as she tried to bury it, to not face it, it was always there.
She could run all she wanted, but there was no hiding from it. It followed
her like the weight of a thousand chains everywhere she went.
She fell to her knees in front of the statue, leaning forward until her
forehead rested on the cool stone of the man's feet as she wept. Sobs that
no human could hear, but traveled right into the hearts of the heavens came
from her lips. Shaking, she looked up at the silent stone face once again,
her voice barely above a whisper, "Forgive me."
She continued to weep, her face buried in her hands at the feet of the
statue once again, not noticing the tears that silently coursed down the
smooth stone cheeks, crying with her, for her.
Nick watched as Sterling left his room, on his way to talk with Brian,
Kevin, AJ and Howie, then to set their bargain in motion. He laid down on
the bed, physically and emotionally drained. He thought of all that his
band mates were about to hear and what he had to do. He closed his eyes and
silently prayed that they would understand. "Forgive me."
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