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Can You Feel Me? : Chapter 10
Nick ran back to his room, not caring who or what he ran through, just
needing to get back to Brian. He ran around the corner and jumped right
through the wall and into his room. Brian was in the same spot as Nick had
left him. He was sitting by the bed, his hands sandwiching one of Nick's,
his head bowed in prayer. The only difference was the trails of fresh tears
that spilled over his cheeks.
Nick faltered and stood silent watching Brian. For the first time he
realized how much he had devastated his best friend.
Katya walked in, her eyes scanning the room, missing nothing. She saw the
three figures sprawled out uncomfortably on chairs, tear stains on their
faces and she saw Brian by the bed, still in the midst of his tears. She
looked at Nick, "He could feel me in the ambulance with you. He looked so
lost that I put my hand on his, just hovering it on top and he felt it. He
said that if I was there to take you, that he wanted me to take him instead.
That he had a heart condition and it made more sense for him to go."
Nick's shoulders slumped, "Are you here to take him? Maybe that's the reason
you are here, to take Brian instead of me." He turned around and looked at
her, a look in his eyes she'd never seen before, "But, if they want to take
him, you'll have to go through me first. I see the light around him. It's
the same light that was around all those people that were in that ward.
They are not taking him away from me. Either I go back and Brian stays
exactly where he is, or if one of us has to go, then it's me." He paced the
floor getting more agitated by the second, "Is that why you brought me
there? To let me see the lights and realize they are the same ones that are
around Brian?"
Katya stopped his pacing and in a gesture that surprised her as much as it
did him, she pulled him to her embrace and wrapped him securely in her arms.
"Nick, I didn't do that....I brought you there because you seemed to want to
know everything about the lights you have been seeing your whole life. I
just wanted to help you understand. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
Nick relaxed in her arms and lifted his eyes to look at her, "I'm sorry too.
I didn't mean to get mad at you. I.....Brian means the world to me. I
couldn't bear it if something happened to him."
Katya released him and stepped away, "How do you think Brian feels Nick? Is
it any easier for him to lose you?"
Her words seemed to cut Nick to the quick, he looked at his friend and shook
his head, "It's tearing him apart, I can tell just by looking at him."
Nick kept looking at Brian, lost in his own thoughts. Katya sat back on the
chest of drawers she was on earlier and did some thinking of her own.
With a gasp, she jumped down from the chest and startled Nick. She was
actually smiling a little, something Nick hadn't seen much of on her face.
"What is it?"
She went over to Brian, "He has a heart condition right?"
Nick nodded, "Yes. He died when he was five, but they brought him back. He
always says that he lived five years of his life and the rest has been
grace."
Katya clapped her hands, even though the blurred transparency of them made
no noise. She just couldn't hold in her a-ha! moment. "That's it! The
light around him is not bright like that because he's dying like those
people in the ward we were in. It's grace!"
Nick was having a heard time following her. "Grace?"
She nodded, "Grace. That's the one thing he has in common with those
people. They are all living on grace too. They have diseases that are
killing them, but they are still living, still taking it day by day. It's
grace. Their period of grace. They are nearing the end of theirs, but
there is no telling how long Brian's period of grace is. The grace makes
their light that little bit brighter to let the powers that be know to keep
an eye on them, to let them know they are special cases in need of special
care. Do you understand?"
Nick looked at the light around Brian and nodded, "Grace. That's it. It has
to be. " He went over to Brian's chair and knelt beside it, looking up at
him. "Bri? I'm sorry for putting you through this. I couldn't see past my
own pain. I'm so sorry."
Katya shook her head with a sad smile, "He won't hear you."
Nick nodded, "He can. You don't understand us. He can hear me, I know he
can!" He leaned closer to Brian, "Frick! I know you can hear me. I know
somewhere deep down you can hear me. I want you to know how sorry I am. I
didn't understand how much this would hurt everyone around me, especially
you. I'm sorry. Brian, please tell me you can hear me." Nick's voice
cracked as he begged for his friend's forgiveness, "Brian, please, try and
hear me. I'm afraid to go back, but if you want me to, I will. I'll do it
for you. I'll take the consequences of what I've done to all of you.
Brian, just tell me you forgive me and you want me back. Please?"
Nick watched for any sign that Brian heard him.
Nothing. No flicker of understanding, nothing.
Nick fell to the floor, sobs wrenching out of his lips. The realization of
everything that had happed came crashing down on him. Causing so much pain
to his best friend tortured his soul, causing an agony worse than a thousand
razor blades slicing through him. His mind was flooded with the images of
his life, his family, his friends. He whimpered and held his head in his
hands, curling into a ball. The pain was unbearable, all the emotional pain
he had caused in everyone he knew was now a physical pain inside of him. It
felt as if he was being torn apart from the inside out. He writhed on the
floor, lost in the agony that he had caused.
Katya could only watch. She knew this moment would come, he had invited it
by saying that he would take the consequences. There was nothing she could
do for him. It was his moment of reckoning. Only one thing could stop it.
Forgiveness. She closed her eyes, hearing Nick's whimpers turn to full
blown howls of torture. She would give anything to spare him from it, but
it wasn't her forgiveness he needed.
Nick saw flashes of everyone close to him at the moment when they had heard
what he'd done to himself. He felt their shock, he felt their pain, he felt
it all at once. He saw Kevin crying against the cold brick of the hotel.
He saw AJ's ashen face as he'd opened the door to see Nick lying lifeless in
Brian's arms. He saw Howie flashing back to his sister's funeral. Reliving
seeing her deathly still face in the casket when he saw Nick lying in
Brian's embrace. So many more faces, so much more pain. Nick arched off
the floor, cry after cry leaving his lips as he tried to hang onto his
sanity.
Nick couldn't take any more. He was at the breaking point. He couldn't hold
on any more. It was too much, he had to let go. He just had to.
"Nick?"
It was Brian's voice.
Nick tried to call out over the chaos that surrounded him, "Brian! Brian
Please!"
"I forgive you."
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