I Shall Believe 
Chapters 1 - 4
By Lyns
(C) by Lyns 1999/2000
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  Raegan turned restlessly in her sleep. She was having that dream again. Her 
father's slaps and punches felt so real. She called out for him to stop but 
to no avail. 
         Kevin was awakened by her thrashes and yelling. "Raegan", he said, 
wrapping his arms around her. He hated to see her like this. It made him want 
to kill her father. Hell, he had already wanted to kill the man, but this 
only made his hatred grow. 
           She felt strong arms around her and her eyes flickered open, 
allowing her to look into Kevin's worried hazel ones. "I hate when you have 
these dreams", he said, stroking her hair. 
           "I hate it too, Kev", she replied through tears. 
          He held her tight as she silently cried. "Tomorrow we'll call that 
psychologist, ok? We're gonna get through this", he whispered to her. 
          She nodded and he watched her until he was sure she was asleep 
again. These past couple of weeks had been tough. Raegan had been having 
flashbacks of her father abusing her, and it tore Kevin in two. She'd come 
such a long way since he'd taken her in as a runaway about 4 months ago. 
Things were going great, she had gone on tour with the guys. They had just 
come back from touring, matter of fact. Kevin thought back to the first time 
she'd had one of the dreams. 
          They'd just fallen asleep after making love, and he woke up to 
Raegan sobbing uncontrollably. At first she didn't want to be touched, but 
eventually he got her to open up. Now it seemed the dreams had gotten worst. 
He sighed as he finally fell asleep himself, his head crowded with thoughts 
of how to get through this.

                  Kevin let the hot water run over him. He was still very 
worried about Raegan. What if she never got over this? But no, he couldn't 
think that way. He had to remain positive for her sake. 
           He suddenly felt a pair of eyes on him. He turned around just as 
Raegan stepped into the shower with him. "Wha.." he started to ask but she 
cut him off with a passionate kiss on the lips.  
          "Make love to me, Kevin", she whispered in his ear, biting it 
softly. They hadn't made love since the night she'd had the first dream. He 
didn't want to upset her any further, so he never initiated anything; and she 
hadn't said anything about it up until now. 
           "Are you sure?", he asked, surprised that she'd want to, but also 
extremely happy at the same time. Two weeks without making love to her had 
driven him crazy.  She answered him with another kiss on the lips. He didn't 
have to ask twice. His mouth assaulted hers and he backed her up against the 
shower wall. There he made love to her like he'd never done before; sweet and 
loving, but also with a fervor that let her know he had missed being with 
her. It made her momentarily forget her problems.

          They sat on the couch together, watching TV. Nick and Brian were 
out for the day so they had the whole house to themselves. Raegan was 
snuggled up to Kevin, his arm around her. 
         An ad for a special on runaways that was airing on the local news 
came on. Kevin looked down at Raegan,thinking about when he had taken her in. 
Suddenly he felt her tense up. His gaze focused on the television. It showed 
a man who must've been in his early fifties talking, but his words were 
drowned out by a voice-over telling the date and time of the special on 
runaways. The ad then went off and the Leeza show had come back on. 
         Raegan leaped up. "Ohmygod...no...no..", she kept repeating. Kevin 
leapt up with her and went to put his arms around her. "No! Kev..don't touch 
me", she cried. Collapsing into uncontrollable sobs once again, she lowered 
herself to the floor. Kevin sat down next to her and moved to put his arms 
around her again. She shrugged off his touch until he finally said, "I'm 
touching you whether you like it or not."  With those words he hugged her as 
tight as he could. "Sshhhh", he tried to comfort her. "What it is? What's got 
you so upset??" "The man on the television.." she said through sobs. "That 
was my father."

Chapter 2

           Kevin stared down at Raegan in disbelief. Her FATHER????? "Are you 
sure?", he asked, trying his best to calm her. "Do you think he's someone I 
would forget??", she retorted angrily. "I'm sorry. Stupid question." "God, 
Kev, what am I going to do?" "I'll tell you what we're going to do. We're 
forgetting we ever saw him on TV. And then we're going to the psychologist. 
You really need to talk about what you've been through, Rae", Kevin told her. 
Although he knew in his mind he wouldn't forget about it. His hate for this 
guy was too strong. In the back of his head he started to form a plan about 
how he would find her father and kill him, so Raegan wouldn't have to worry 
anymore. He held her until she stopped crying, swearing to himself that he'd 
help her get through this even if it killed him. 

             They sat in the office of the psychologist, Raegan gripping 
Kevin's hand tightly. "You know I never liked doctors", she whispered, her 
body a bundle of nerves. "I know. But that's why I'm here with you. 
Everything will go fine. You'll see", he reassured her. "I don't know how you 
can stand me when I'm like this", she said. Kevin looked into her eyes. "Yes 
you do. It's because I love you." She hugged him. "Oh yeah. That's how", she 
replied with a smile. 
             "Raegan Johnson?", the secretary called. Raegan and Kevin stood 
up. "You ready?", he asked. She nodded. They were led into a medium-sized, 
nicely furnished office. A tall, thin, balding man who looked to be in his 
50's motioned for them to have a seat. "I'm Dr. Ryker", he said, extending 
his hand to Raegan. She shook it. "And you are?", he turned to Kevin. "Kevin. 
I'm here for support." The doctor shook his hand and asked, "And what 
relation are you to Ms. Johnson?" Kevin turned to Raegan, as if asking her 
permission to say who he was. They hadn't really put a label on their 
relationship yet.  When asked in interviews, he would just say he was 
"involved."  The media had thankfully not quite caught on yet as to who she 
was. "I'm her boyfriend", he said, feeling the squeeze Raegan gave his hand. 
"I see. And what was it you wanted to talk about today, Raegan?"

         A half hour later, they emerged from the room. Raegan had to admit 
she felt a bit better. The doctor had prescribed some pills to help her 
sleep, and they had scheduled an appointment for next week. "I think we 
should do what Dr. Ryker suggested", Kevin said, breaking the silence in the 
car. "I don't know if I can", Raegan replied, fidgeting with her hands. He 
looked over at her. "Yes you can. I'll watch the special with you. You 
eventually need to face this. You heard the doctor." Tears filled her eyes. 
"Kevin...I..it'll be too hard." Pulling into the driveway, he parked the car 
and turned to her. "It WILL be hard. But I'll be here for you. The guys will 
be here for you." Raegan was surprised to see a tear spill down his cheek. "I 
hate to see you like this, Rae. It kills me. I want you to get better." She 
reached out and stroked his cheek, knowing that this was something that had 
to be done. "OK", she whispered, wrapping her arms around him. 


Chapter 3

               Kevin watched as Raegan slept soundly for the first night in 
awhile. The sleeping pills Dr. Ryker had prescribed had knocked her out cold. 
He knew he should get some sleep, but Kevin was too worried about tomorrow 
night. The special about runaways was going to be on, and he dreaded seeing 
what Raegan would have to go through. But he agreed that she eventually had 
to face this whole thing. She needed closure. Sighing, he placed a kiss on 
her forehead before falling into a restless sleep. 

         "So that thing is on tonight?", Brian asked Kevin. "Yeah, at 8", 
Kevin replied, taking a sip of his coffee. "Do you want us here, ya know, for 
support?" "I dunno. I think it's better if it were just me and her watching." 
"Ok", Brian agreed. "Ya think she's gonna be alright?" Kevin sighed. "I hope 
so. I'm so worried about her. It kills me to see her like this, Bri. I just 
want to find her dad and beat the living shit out of him. Then I want to..." 
"Whoa", Brian cut him off. "We're all worried about her, but let's not think 
of doing anything illegal here, Kev." "I know. I just love her so much. It's 
hard." Kevin felt like he was going to cry again. 
        "I feel so loved", Raegan said, coming into the kitchen, startling 
the guys. "I thought you were still sleeping",  Kevin said, getting up and 
wrapping his arms around her. "I was, until you got up. You're too noisy", 
she told him, kissing him softly on the lips. "Do you guys always talk about 
me when I'm not around?", she asked jokingly. "Yup", Brian replied. She 
smiled and went to pour herself some coffee. Kevin noticed her smile and 
thought for the first time in awhile that maybe things were going to work out 
alright after all. 

        "You ready for this?", Kevin asked, taking Raegan's hand and giving 
it a light squeeze. She nodded and tried to relax into his arms. They were 
sitting on the couch, and the runaway special had just begun. For the next 15 
minutes they listened to a woman talk about different runaway cases, until 
finally getting to the one they'd been waiting for. Raegan inhaled a deep 
breath as her father's image appeared on-screen. The reporter spoke : "Meet 
55-year-old Neil Johnson. His daughter, Raegan Johnson, who would now be 18, 
ran away from home 4 months ago......" The woman went on to tell the story, 
and then the screen flashed to her father, saying he had no idea why his 
daughter had run away. The segment ended with him pleaing for Raegan or 
anyone else with information concerning her whereabouts to call a certain 
number. 
       Kevin reached over and turned off the TV. He glanced down at Raegan, 
hating that her face was unreadable. At least she wasn't crying. "You ok?". 
"What he said was complete bullshit. How could he just flat out lie like 
that?", she asked, not believing her father had the gall to do something like 
this. "He's a bad person, Rae. Do you think he wants something?" "There's 
only one way to find out", she replied, picking up the phone and dialing the 
number that had been given on TV. 


Chapter 4

           Raegan froze when she heard him answer. She would know that voice 
anywhere. It was impossible to forget now. Although most times she heard it 
was when he was shouting. She flinched as her father spoke again. "Hello? Who 
is this?"
    Kevin saw Raegan tense up and flinch. He moved closer to her and took 
ahold of her hand, squeezing it. This had to be so hard for her. He had half 
a mind to take the phone and just start bitching the guy out. But that would 
only make things worse. No, he had to let her deal with this herself. 
     "Dad?", Raegan asked, although it was pointless for her to ask. She knew 
it was him. "Oh god, Raegan!", he exclaimed. A tear slid down her cheek. 
"Yeah, it's me", she spoke softly. "How have you been?" She was suddenly 
angry. The nerve he had to ask that and act like things were OK. "A hell of a 
lot better than I was when I was with you", she replied. "Raegan, don't be 
that way", her dad's voice was surprsingly calm. And that's what scared her 
more, that he wasn't even blowing up at her. "How the hell am I supposed to 
be? I see you on TV and you're lying through your ass. You mean to tell me 
you don't know why I ran away?", she asked, her voice rising with each 
sentence. "No, honey. I don't." "Bullshit! You do know! And if you care so 
much, why did it take you this long to find me, huh?" "I didn't know where 
you were." "So you know where I am now?" "I know you're somewhere in Florida. 
I think Orlando." "Well, dad, do me a favor", she said, lowering her voice 
slightly. "Anything Raegan. I just want to reconcile our differences." "LEAVE 
ME THE FUCK ALONE!!", she screamed into the phone. Pressing the OFF button, 
she hung up before her father could reply. 
        Once she hung up the phone, Kevin wrapped his arms around her, 
expecting her to cry. But she didn't. She wasn't going to waste any more time 
crying over the past. "You wanna talk about what was said?", he asked. She 
shook her head no. "I just want to forget about it. But now he has this 
number. What if he calls back?" "We'll get it changed first thing tomorrow 
morning", Kevin promised. 

        The next morning, Raegan was up before anyone else. She couldn't 
sleep, thoughts of her father and their first phone conversation in four 
months in her head. Her father had to want something. He wouldn't be looking 
for her otherwise. The doorbell rang, and Raegan went to answer it. Kevin had 
said something about the other guys coming over today, but it was still a bit 
early for them to be coming over just yet. She gasped as she opened the door. 
It was her father.