After Tonight

(c) Nanci Low 2000

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Together Forever

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How do you define joy? Two years ago, Brian described his ideal of that emotion as simply being with the one you love.

But I believe it transcends that.

Joy is when we stay up late, just holding each other talking about our dreams. When he falls asleep with his head in my lap, so trusting and sweet and I watch him sleep till I fall asleep too, our hands clasped still.

He brings me joy too whenever I come home from a particularly tiring assignment and find fresh flowers in my tiny apartment that light up the whole room just by being there. He may not have picked them himself but just the thought of him entrusting Nanci or Aurin to do so made it just as special.

It comes in different guises, different forms, so many ways I can list that will amaze even the most jaded heart. He doesn’t always have to be physically next to me to bring me joy. With our vastly diverse and demanding careers, it’s been tough working things out and trying to be together. But we manage, mostly with a healthy (even liberal) dose of trust and patience.

And love. That has been the one thing that has kept us grounded for the last two years. I may not have seen a lot of Brian in the time our relationship has lasted, not as much as I want to anyways. Love for him is what gets me up in the mornings, it has motivated me to do a lot of things that I would have deemed impossible in the past. And now my life revolves around it and I don’t know how I ever survived before without him. Certainly with love, it has made me appreciate what little time we have been able to snatch together even more than I would have before.

Perhaps, if asked, I would have to say that the greatest joy that Brian has ever given me was that one moment two years ago, right at the new start of our relationship. We’ve had two beginnings to ‘us’ and I’m thankful everyday that there was a chance for a second try.

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‘FLASHBACK’

When we finally came up for air after an endless moment of kissing, someone cleared their throat.

A lot of someones.

I groaned in embarrassment and hid my face in Brian’s shirt as he traded friendly insults with them. Nick, Aurin, Dee and Nanci as it turned out. They certainly took their time teasing us. When they were finally convinced we couldn’t possibly get any redder (in my case at least), Aurin very kindly informed us that we were supposed to have been filming our scenes at least half an hour before.

Whoops!

So we put aside our giggles and compulsions to be damned with life, and carry on kissing, and went back to work instead. Well make that I put aside everything and went back to work. Brian was all for running off to some far-off distant corner of the beach and carry on making on. But I do have a living to earn, so there you go, work always comes first, though I must confess the offer he made me was very, very tempting.

So anyway, we went back on site and got ready for the next scene. Only after much groveling and apologizing for delaying the schedule, of course.

By now the sun was up and everyone who wasn’t around before was up and about and going about his or her various tasks. Katie was there, ostensibly to show me some more potential assignment spec(s), but I think she mostly wanted to see how I was and whether I had managed to kill Brian yet.

Obviously since he was right there next to me, that was off. In any case, she and Denise (A.J’s mom and not his girlfriend – must add that I am still very very confused between the two) spent the rest of the day beaming on both me and Brian with maternal pride. I swear I have no idea how the two of them, or everyone else for that matter, knew what had happened. Still they were very happy for us. I guess Katie was glad that I was finally with someone I truly loved, even though I couldn’t see it till it was almost too late.

The next scene we filmed, when we finally did start filming, was for the end of the video when Brian and me made up. Talk about art imitating life.

I sat on the rock that was the designated focus of the whole filming. I perched on it gingerly at first, half-wary of sliding off it if I made a wrong move, and mostly feeling plain discomfort over the too-rough surface.

Around me, Brian sang lead while the rest backed him up. It was a beautiful song, the meaning in it so familiar to me and yet I never tired of hearing it being repeated over and over again as they had to the whole morning.

Right on cue, Brian walked up to me and I did what I was supposed to do in the script, which they had given me to read. I held out my hand to him but instead of taking my hand into his and pulling me into his arms as we were told to do just moments before, he got down on his knees and took out something from his pocket. I was so thankful at this moment that I was still sitting on the rock. I was so shocked I almost forgot to breathe. This was definitely not in the script.

One hand clasping mine, the other holding out the tiny box, Brian looked me right in the eye. The music played on, Nick, Kevin, Howie and A.J went on singing and all around us, people paused and stared. And yet in so many ways, we were as alone as we could ever be,

"I know you’re not ready for marriage yet. And I respect that. Someday, when you’re ready, I’ll be waiting. But for now, would you do me the honor of wearing this as a promise ring and keep it as a gift I make to you of my love and my heart?" he whispered to me softly so that only I could hear.

I trembled a little as he slid the ring onto my finger after I nodded my head slightly then pulled me into his arms as he was supposed to from the start.

"I love you, Brian," I whispered onto his lips and his only reply was a kiss that went on and on, even after the cameras had stopped rolling.

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Which brings me back to the present.

The sun was shining, another perfect day in a lifetime of perfect days that stretched on and on ahead of us. I was twisting the ring Brian had given me, remembering all I had felt then and all I felt now, when this feeling hit me.

I was ready. Ready to take the promise Brian had made to me two years before and to return it back to him right now with one of my own. Not just for now, for tomorrow but for as long an eternity as we had together.

We were sitting in our special place alone, on that little ledge that looked down onto the world where I had lost the broken pieces of my heart and got a new one back in return. One not so filled with naive resentment of who I should be but one brimmed with anticipation of the life I faced ahead being who I was.

Brian was lying down, his head upon my lap, my hands playing idly with his hair every now and then. his eyes were half closed against the lazy heat of the day and mostly from plain weariness.

"Brian?"

"Hmmm... yeah?" he had a sleepy, grumpy tone in his voice which made me suspect I had just jolted him out of sleep. I grinned.

"Remember when you said there was a right time for doing the right thing? Well I think, no wait, I’m definite that now is the right time," I said, and started to count to ten to let the words sink into him.

I made it all the way to four before he rolled over and stared up at me with an incredulous expression on his face.

"Are you sure?" he asked, mimicking the words I had thrown at him two years ago in this very same spot.

I answered him as he had answered me then. And in my kiss, he felt my promise and reassurance and the love we would forever have.