After Tonight

(c) Nanci Low 2000

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Second Chance: When All Is Said And Done

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Working on a music video is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Yeah people think it’s glamorous work getting paid to stand around and look pretty and maybe do a little play-acting. At least that’s what I thought too till I found out about the 4am morning shoots. Not to mention my previous murderous thoughts on over-creative plots.

I yawned a little just as Brian leaned in to kiss me as he was supposed to in the script. My sleepiness soon turned into shock as he took advantage of my open mouth to kiss me deeper than the script called for. My surprise swiftly turned into bone-shattering desire though as I melted against his body, swaying a little as his kisses threatened to make me lose my mind.

"Cut!" Mr. Laurens shouted, breaking the spell he held over me and I took the opportunity to pull away from Brian. Glaring at him, I deliberately wiped my hand across my lips.

If looks could kill, Brian would have been lying flat on the ground right now. Too bad fate doesn’t work that way. It would be a helleva lot easier on me. The more I glared at that jerk, the more he seemed to think it was funny.

Finally I gave him one last disgusted look and walked off, leaving him to laugh even more hysterically than before.

Aurin smiled at me sympathetically as I walked over to her. "Rough night?" she asked, handing me a cup of coffee as the crew set up the equipment needed for the next scene.

Thankfully I wasn’t in it so I had just about two hours to catch a quick nap and I intended to make full use of it. And luckily for me, unlike some people, coffee doesn’t do anything for me, in fact, it seems to make me even sleepier.

Finishing the coffee in a single gulp, I set the cup down and smiled back sleepily at her.

"You have no idea," I replied, blinking as a sudden shaft of light pierced my eyes.

A few feet away from me, Brian was waiting patiently for the set up to be complete. As my eyes glanced over the area, he caught my gaze and smiled cheekily at me, waving a little while trying to stand still at the same time.

I ignored him though, trying to tell myself not to let him get to me, but of course, failing miserably as usual. What is it about him that makes me want to react, be it anger or laughter.

I shook my head, trying to clear the clouds from my mind. Dammit, I needed my sleep bad.

Looking at the slender silver watch I had on my left wrist, I saw that it was just after six. The sun was coming up now, fiery red fading into golden glows.

You know how there are some moments when you turn your head and your eyes lock with that special someone else’s and you drown in his gaze? Your breath catches and you’re lost. Everyone else that’s around you before just seem to disappear and all that is left are two incredible sensations.

The first is this overwhelming compulsion to lose yourself completely in whatever voodoo magic he’s weaving around your heart.

The other was, of course, the searing lust that drove my hormones into overtime and told my jelly-like legs to run over and ravish him.

I’ve never been one to believe in the so-called moment even if I have read and heard endless gushings, sorry make that stories, on the subject. It’s funny how being around Brian makes me a convert to so many new things.

It all started innocently enough really. The moment I mean. And no I didn’t jump him. There were just too many people around for that, no matter how yummy he looked that morning in his plain white tank top and baggy jeans.

My plan was for me to just to walk on straight, I didn’t plan on turning my head and certainly I wasn’t going to look at him sing. No way.

At the first sound of his voice, I hesitated a little but forced my feet to keep on moving.

‘Keep on moving, just a few more steps and you’ll be out of here,’ my brain yelled at me.

The camera had stopped rolling but the music played on and Brian continued singing. His voice was so beautiful and pure, full of life and light like he was.

The sun was getting brighter every minute now and as I turned to face him, a stream of light seemed to envelop his hair, turning it into a fiery halo. I struggled to tear my eyes away from him but nothing seemed to work, I just kept on staring at him.

Is it possible to feel so deeply? As if your soul can be reached just by hearing someone else’s voice. Where there are a million thoughts crowding your head and people surrounding you. But the only thing that centres in your consciousness is his voice. Singing to you. Reaching out to you in a way that should be thought impossible. Till now. Now it entered your blood and hit your heart. Hard. The words are of no importance really. As meaningful as they are, they have no real emotions until the voice is added and the heart is felt behind the poigance of the message.

Something that Katie said to me a long time ago, when we first met, came back to me then. "Seize the moment," she had said when we talked about her failed relationships and the lack of fire of the one I was in. "When the right guy comes along, you have to take a chance. When it comes to true love, where there is no risk involved, there is no value to it. To know that you suffered in any sense to possess that love makes it all that little bit more precious."

Now it made sense.

Taking a deep breath, I walked up to Brian.

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His eyes were piercingly blue, shot through with the intensity of the emotions infused in the song. As I walked closer to him, I could feel the bond we had tying us to one another pulling me even closer.

To the casual reader, perhaps, my mood may have seemed nonchalant, even carefree, as I crossed the short distance that separated us, but I was all nerves inside. All that filled me now was hesitant emotions.

Smoldering. Intense. Lyrical. Perfect. A rainbow of sensations that propelled me towards what was possibly my destiny.

I felt like before when I was very little, maybe six or seven? I dunno, age wasn’t relevant to memories for me back then. I remember being so scared of the dark then. When night fell and inked out the light, I would panic and rush to cuddle with my mom. She indulged me whenever she could but it wasn’t often either. She didn’t understand what I felt, didn’t see how terrified I was of the black and unknown. Not knowing what could be around the corner or in the shadowed nook across from my bed.

The feelings were almost exactly the same, then and now, only I was all grown up now and didn’t need a night light when I went to bed. This was a stronger fear, almost like trying to fly by jumping off a cliff or hilltop. I wanted to fly away and be free.

But only Brian could be my wings. He was the only one who could unlock that part of me that I’d kept away for so long. The question was, would he still want me after I said what I wanted to say to him.

"Brian." He was in front of me now, not singing anymore, just standing there, staring at me.

We were so close, if I reached out with my fingers; I would be able to feel the sweaty thin fabric of the shirt he wore and the sticky strands of his straw blond hair that fell in his eyes. Around us, the air reverberated with tension and tasted salty tangy on my suddenly still lips.

"Erin." My name came out from his lips, a question and a greeting at the same time.

"Erm... can I talk to you for a while?" I managed to trip out, the words falling over each other in my nervousness.

He looked shocked. Then again, I couldn’t exactly blame him when barely twenty-four hours ago I was ripping his head off verbally and all but threatening to have him arrested if he even came twenty feet near me. Not something he was used to, I would bet.

"Sure." There was a casual coolness to his voice and I hated the feelings that churned in me at that. It felt so unfair that he could be so calm and unfazed while I felt as if my feet would collapse under me at any moment and I would faint from strained anticipation.

He led me down a path away from where the crew was set up. I felt like Alice going down the rabbit hole. One minute we were immersed in the mundane hustle and bustle of the filming and the next, we were on top of the world.

The tide was coming in fast, crashing against the rocks we stood on and spraying us with tiny droplets of salt water each time. Around the clump of infant trees that sheltered us from everyone else, I could see out into the real world. A.J and Denise cuddled together in a corner on a blanket someone had thrown over the sand. They looked so happy together and I was fiercely envious of what they had.

I stared out towards the horizon where the sun was rising but was still pale enough for me to fix my sight on. The silence between us grew and stretched on for miles. I know Brian must have been dying of curiosity to know what I wanted to talk to him about but somehow now that he was next to me, the words just wouldn’t come out of my mouth.

The wind whipped my hair about; tossing the strands that weren’t slicked back into a ponytail about my face. Despite the increasing warmth of the day, I shivered a little, then nearly jumped out of my skin as a warm arm slid around my shoulders as Brian pulled me close to him when he sat down next to me.

"Erin?"

"Yeah?" I was finding it hard to concentrate. As always, my reactions to his proximity was electric. And at the same time, a strange sense of serene calm filled me. I was home now. This was where I would always belong, next to this man.

"We were going to talk? We have to be back in an hour..." he stated matter-of-factly, bringing me down abruptly from my daze. Dammit. Why couldn’t he be at least trembling like I was?

"I wanted to talk... about... us..." I ventured hesitantly, not sure if he had anticipated what I had said and was now in shock.

"Us?" there was a certain edge to his question.

"Us," I said steadily, not leaving any doubt in his mind what I was trying to say.

"Yesterday there was no us," he returned back slowly. I could almost see his mind running faster now, trying to figure what I was trying to get at.

I swallowed nervously, "There can be... if you still want..."

"But?"

"How do you know there’s a but?"

"I hurt you so badly before, there has to be a ‘but’ in here somewhere." His words were lightly spoken but I could see that they were soberingly steady and his eyes shone with the earnestness of his belief.

"Actually..." I said slowly and with wistful reluctance, "It wasn’t all your fault. You weren’t the only one who hurt me, I hurt me too."

"What do you mean?"

I sighed. Coming to terms with this hadn’t been easy and explaining it would be even harder. "I was too young for any thought of ‘us’ surviving then. Nothing would have changed. Even if somehow we had worked things out and got together, eventually we would have broken up. I had to grow up and live in the real world. Get some experience."

"Meaning you’ve had a lot of experience since then?" There was just a hint of jealousy in his voice and the beginnings of a scowl on his face.

I really wanted to laugh at that but something in his expression told me I shouldn’t.

"Ermm... not really... I get kinda shy around guys still..."

"You could have fooled me. I thought after that night, you would be out the next day with some other guy."

"Actually, I spent the first six months after sulking in my room," I confessed somewhat embarrassingly.

Brian stared at me incredulously. "Why? When I walked away, you didn’t even look like you cared."

"I cared, oh I cared alright." I said ruefully with a shake of my head.

"Why didn’t you say anything? I kept looking back, hoping for some sort of sign that you wanted me back."

"How could I? I never really had you in the first place!"

"You could have."

"Well how was I to know?" I all but yelled at him.

"All you had to do was ask," he replied mildly, blinking in surprise at my sudden anger that powered through my words.

Truth was, I didn’t know who I was angrier with, the scared little girl I was four years ago or the emotional coward I was now. It was a tough call alright.

I turned away from him to stare blindly towards the ocean and just as abruptly as the anger had welled up in me; it died a natural death.

"Erin?" Brian’s voice was strangely soft and hesitant, like a little lost boy. "Where do we go from here – us... I mean."

I shrugged and looked back at him once more. "I dunno, Brian, I honestly don’t know. I thought I knew what I wanted but it’s just so hard to keep it."

"I know what I want."

"I know what you want too but I’m just not sure if I’ll ever be everything you said you need. I’m so afraid of disappointing you."

"Erin – look at yourself! Why are you so bent on putting yourself down? What do you see in yourself that makes you so sad, so lost?" He asked. His words were probing and hit just a little too close to home for my comfort.

True. I was sad. I felt sad because all my life, I was just me, not anyone special. Not the way that other people could be. Not special like Katie was, the way she stood up so strong and sure in herself. Next to her, I felt like a little doll who only existed to let other people play with her, dress her up, make her someone who was to be tossed around wherever anyone wanted.

I got up and started pacing around the small space. The words trickled out of me with every step I took, growing in volume, gaining in strength, freeing me, letting me fly.

"When I look at myself... I see me. Erin. The girl who has everything and nothing. I hate it when people talk to me and tell me how lucky I am to be rich, to not need. They don’t see how much I want to be them; to be someone special, to do things that actually mean something to someone. I’m tired of being ordinary Brian, but I’m so scared of trying to be anything else. You scare me, when you say you love me, I don’t deserve your love but I crave it all the same. And I’m dreading the day when you wake up and see how ordinary I am, how undeserving of your love I am. You’ll walk away then and I’ll be left with only memories."

There, it was finally out. But at the exact moment that I ended my sentence, a tidal wave of emptiness hit me and I sank downwards onto my haunches, letting gravity pull me to the ground as I wrapped my arms around the waist, trying to keep the rest of me from dissolving.

Brian rushed over to me, wrapping his arms around me, holding me close to his heart. "Erin... Oh my God... I never knew... You know I would never do that to you..." His words were from the heart, so filled with pain, and there was maybe just a little touch of regret for pushing me this far.

"It’s pathetic huh, classic case of the poor little rich girl," I said, the sarcasm making me seem braver than I really was.

"You know it’s not true, everything you said wasn’t true!"

"Are you so sure? Maybe you’re like everyone else; all you see is the glamour and the glitz I have around me. Maybe you only want what’s on the outside and live in denial of who I really am!"

His immediate reply was an expletive that I never thought I would hear him use. "Do you really think that little of me?" Brian managed to rasp out after that.

Hearing the hurt in his words was like someone had thrown me over the cliff and I was being dunked in the cool seawater.

"Brian – I..." I tried to stammer out but the words eluded me and I found no way to express the conflicting emotions within me.

"Look at me, Erin, do you really believe that I can be that shallow?" He asked me roughly, his hands reaching out to capture mine.

I could only shake my head, still unable to speak for fear of breaking down in tears.

"Then why can’t you believe that I can love you just because you’re you? I don’t need someone glamorous or full of poise. Not that I’m saying you’re not all of those things in my eyes. If anything, they only serve to enhance the beauty you already possess."

"I want to believe you...," I said softly, letting his hands warm mine, enjoying the closeness this simple contact brought.

"But you can’t bring yourself to try... I’m not going to make you any false promises. I want us to be forever, I really feel that you’re the one. But... I can’t see into the future and tell you if we’re doing the right thing. All I can give you is what I feel right now. I love you more than anything in this world and if this love can last us forever, I’ll be the happiest man alive. If not, at least we were happy together for as long as it lasted. And we can make it work... we will make it work because we’re together. I wouldn’t be able to settle for anything else."

There were tears in my eyes by the time he finished. If I thought what he said the day before was moving, this was beyond anything I had ever dreamed.

"Are you sure?" I asked him, not knowing if I should weep for joy or jump up and down with excitement.

I did neither. Instead I let Brian tip my face up towards his and we kissed. It wasn’t just fireworks and sparks that lit up inside me when his lips were on mine now. This time there was something more, something so great and wondrous, it reduced the sexual chemistry that we already had to a mere formality. I didn’t have a name for it but it was beautiful. Beyond beautiful... well you get the picture.

Brian took his time kissing me. By the time we were through, my body felt light and not attached to me. If I wasn’t sitting on the ground and holding onto Brian, I might just have floated off there and then.

"Well?" he asked, a smug look of satisfaction on his face. Men and their damned egos. Oh, he knew he had me alright.

But I was past caring. The old Erin might have put on her prickly amour and closed up against him once more. That was over and done with.

I ducked my head aside for a second and let the giggle I felt tickling me slip out in a soft smile. Then I looked up at him and whispered "Yes." Softly. Just once.

And as they end in all great romances, there was no need for words anymore because he was too busy kissing me and I was too busy kissing him back to notice.

Oh and I have to add... that special something that I didn’t have a name for? Well I finally know what it is. It was love. Pure and true. And that’s the way it should always be.