After Tonight

(c) Nanci Low 2000

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Second Chance: Confusion

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I watched silently as Nick and Aurin kissed some distance away from me. A tear ran down my cheek, my heart breaking just that little bit more, wishing it was me that was being kissed, being loved and loving back.

What I said to Brian this morning, I meant every word of it. I had too many regrets of what I could have done. But it’s still too late to change anything now. I can’t turn back time and just make myself believe in love again, even though Brian begged me to give him a chance just now, I just couldn’t make myself take a chance on him again. I sheath myself in a wall of ice because I hate being hurt and because I’m so afraid.

But there was another side of me now that wanted out. The other me who wanted to run to Brian and give him my heart on a silver platter. The girl who grew up believing that everyone had a soul mate, she was part of me too, and now she was adding her cries to the chaos surrounding me.

She wanted Brian, recognized Brian as the other half of her heart, the one she had been waiting and searching for all eternity. Sitting there, I listened as I finally allowed my heart to speak. After some time, I knew what I had to do.

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Brian frowned slightly as he saw Nick and Aurin walk in, Nick’s arm tight around Aurin’s waist. Getting up from the chair he was sitting in while waiting for Erin to return, he asked Aurin, "Where’s Erin?"

She looked at him blankly for a moment then panicked. "Oh God, I was supposed to come back with her!" she said, turning to go out the door again but Brian stopped her.

"No, it’s ok, I’ll go get her, don’t bother to wait dinner for me," he said, grabbing his jacket and running out of the house.

The night was still balmy but there had been dark clouds gathering for some time now. The grounds were extremely extensive too and if it started to rain, there was a very good chance that Erin would not be able to find her way back easily. That thought made him panic and he quickened his steps, hoping he would find Erin before anything happened.

Left alone, Aurin smiled at Nick. "He really loves her, doesn’t he?" she asked.

Nick grinned back at her. "More than anything in the world," he replied, then added, "But not more than the love I have for you."

She blushed. "I love you too," she said, putting her arms around him for a lingering hug before walking into the dining room where everyone else was waiting.

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A flash of lightning arched across the dark sky, revealing the ground to me in sudden detail before everything went back to monochrome color again. I ignored it though, just like I ignored the light rain that began to fall shortly after. I was sitting on this little hill thing that was partially sheltered by a huge tree just staring out at the sea. It was ironic really, how the sea seemed to reflect my life then. All calm and peace one instant and stormy tossing the next. That’s so me.

I love it when it rains. Everything is so fresh and clean, like the world has just had a bath. I still remember years ago when I was little and my parents rented a house by the beach for the summer. I snuck out in the middle of the night once and just sat there on the beach watching the waves roll in, seeing how the waves came crashing down onto the sand and how tiny I was next to them.

It put a lot of things into perspective for me that night. It was even more exciting when it started raining. I wasn’t that stupid to be sitting outside, I ran back to the patio after that but I sat out there for a long time after just seeing the rain fall and how the waves swallowed them up. I think I was eight or nine at that time.

Goodness knows what I was doing out at that time of the night but I remember doing it and it’s one of my earlier memories. It’s probably one of the reasons why I have such a thing for the sea. Of course it could also be because I’m a Cancerian, you know... the weepy crap type. But I shan’t go into that now.

I was just about to try and find my way back when I heard footsteps behind me. It was now almost eight and I knew if I didn’t get back soon, someone would come after me. Anyway I figured after seeing Nick and Aurin together, she had probably forgotten all about waiting for me. I turned around and saw Brian coming towards me. Actually he was running.

As he neared me, I could see that he was extremely angry. ‘Great. What did I do now?’ I wondered.

"Erin, what the hell are you doing out here?" he asked, panting slightly from the exertion of his climb.

"Thinking," I replied, having no wish to quarrel with him. As much I would have loved to trade barbs with him, I was just slightly too soggy to care about that right now.

"Thinking?" he repeated in shock, "Did you notice that it’s raining now? There’s a storm coming up and you’re thinking?"

That got me mad. "For your information, I was just about to go back, I was waiting for Aurin but she and Nick went off and I got lost. I was just about to try and find my way back when you came, so there!" I said stiffly, spoiling the whole effect by sticking my tongue out at him.

Brian looked at me, stunned. Then he started laughing. Of course that got me madder but I couldn’t make him stop laughing. In fact, his laughter was so damn contagious, I started laughing too. I felt really pathetic though, standing there in the now pouring rain, laughing my ass off with a guy I should be hating while wanting so desperately not to do so. Dammit, I wasn’t supposed to have fun with Brian.

Finally we stopped. By now the two of us had collapsed onto the sand, never mind the rain that was dribbling uncomfortably down my back and made my tank top stick stiffly to me. Next to me, Brian lay on the sand, his eyes half closed as he let himself slowly calm down.

"Erin?" Brian said, moving ever slightly closer to me.

"Yeah?" I replied, not really paying any attention to him as I lay there, not caring about the little scratches I was getting from the sand and how it stuck so much to my skin, I was sure it would take me two showers before I would wash it all off. I didn’t care, the tension was drained out of me now, the past hours of stressing out whenever Brian was around me, it wasn’t there anymore. I just lay there, looking dreamily up at the sky where I could see a single star twinkling valiantly in the plush velvet of the dark clouds struggling to overwhelm it.

The rain continued to pour down on us. Giggling softly, I closed my eyes and stuck my tongue out, trying to catch some raindrops on it. With the way the rain was coming down, I didn’t have any problems either, the cool droplets sliding into my mouth and making me hungry all of a sudden. My stomach growled at the same time and we both jumped. Well not literally but I became really nervy when I finally noticed how close Brian was to me. And I guess he was startled ‘cos he was trying to get into that whole romantic mood. It’s not that easy to be romantic when you have to deal with hunger.

"Erin?" Brian repeated, still lying there next to me so close. I wanted to move away from him but he rolled over and propped himself up on an elbow, leaning into me. His eyes were directly over mine and though I couldn’t really see them clearly, they were still the most beautiful pair of eyes I had ever seen on a guy. God, I’m getting mushy here. He was so close to me now, our breaths mingled together. If I had been wearing glasses like I used to, they would probably be fogged by now. Brian leaned in some more and our lips almost touched. I closed my eyes in anticipation now, wanting his kiss more than anything in the world.

But before he could kiss me, my stomach growled again and I started giggling nervously. Me and my restless tummy. Thank God for it! I felt about sixteen again, though it wasn’t funny at that time but at least it saved me from a potentially hurtful situation.

Brian sat up. Looking at me giggling uncontrollably, he started to chuckle too. Standing up, he dusted himself off before taking hold of my hand and pulling me up.

"Come on, they’ll be wondering where we are. We’d better get back before Kevin and Denise freak out and call the coast guards," Brian said with a smile.

Tucking my right arm into his, we set off, smiling conspiratorially at each other the whole time, our feud ended for now.