After Tonight

ã Nanci Low 2000

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Second Chance: Will You Remember Me?

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‘She was here,’ Brian thought, spotting her familiar dark hair shining in the summer sunshine like a polished opal as he stood there watching from the balcony. ‘God, she looks even more beautiful now,’ he muttered half under his breath as his eyes drank in the sight of her slender curves. Even dressed as simply as she was in a plain white tank top and light blue denim jeans, Erin still stirred his senses like no other woman could.

Next to Brian, Kevin smiled. "Is that her?" he asked, rather unnecessarily seeing how Brian had tensed the instant she had gotten out of her car. Nanci, Kevin’s girlfriend who was standing with them, slung an arm affectionately over Brian’s shoulder and gave it a quick squeeze.

"Don’t worry Brian, I’m sure things will work out somehow for the two of you," she said reassuringly, turning her head to give Kevin a smile.

Seeing her smile, so filled with love and tenderness, Brian sighed. If things hadn’t happened the way they did, maybe he and Erin would be like Nanci and Kevin now.

‘If only...’ he thought.

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Katie was standing outside the huge white mansion that occupied the centre of the entire estate. As I briskly crossed the distance that lay between us, I idly wondered those house this was. The outside was beautiful and I bet the inside would be even more gorgeous. As I got closer, I could see that she was standing with four men and another woman. There was something familiar about three of the guys but I couldn’t quite place where I had seen them from before since they had their backs turned to me.

Just as I reached Katie, one of them (the tall blond) turned around and I gasped out loud. I was totally stunned. I knew this was not going to be a good day seeing how I had started it but now it turns out that my new assignment is to work with the Backstreet Boys. Which meant I would see Brian again.

Definitely not a good thing when I had spent the last four years trying to forget about him.

I think I smell a rat and I knew what his name was. ‘Brian Littrell, I’m gonna kill you,’ I thought, trying to smile calmly as Katie and the rest also turned to greet me. I barely succeeded though only Katie could tell that my smile was just a little too forced and my eyes overly bright.

"Erin! Finally!" she exclaimed, looking pointedly at her watch.

I sighed, "I’m on time, Kate," I replied, not wanting to go through the motions of arguing with her over my punctuality which was a sort of ritual between the two of us.

She shot me a quick side-glance, concern intermingling with a sudden awareness of my current state of emotions though not of the actual reason behind it. She didn’t say anything though, just went on with the introductions.

"Erin, I would like you to meet Denise McLean and Kasey Laurens. Mr. Laurens will be the director in charge of the video shoot while Ms McLean will be in charge of co-ordinating the entire event. And these three gentlemen are Alex McLean, Howie Dorough and Nick Carter, three of the members of the Backstreet Boys. I believe you’ve heard of them before?" she concluded, looking at me expectantly.

I smiled back politely and shook all their hands.

"Yeah, I’ve heard of you guys before, I even have a few of your CDs," I said, trying to infuse some lightness into the sudden tension that had sprang up between the three guys after Katie had introduced me.

Nick smiled back at me. "So you’re a fan, huh?" he asked teasingly, a broad grin widening his lips and I could see for myself why so many girls fell for him. If I was sixteen again, I would have too.

To use the words of my cousin Nina, he was hot! I think she would probably die when she found out about this. That thought brought a smile to my face and I found myself loosening up just a little bit more.

"Just for the songs," I laughed, "So you don’t have to worry about me trying to jump any of you when you turn a corner," I joked, bringing a slight frown to Katie’s face as she tried to access my sudden change in moods while the guys whooped with laughter. The other two had turned and walked back inside the house and Kate beckoned for me to follow too.

As I moved on, I heard one of them (I’m not sure who exactly) whisper in a soft undertone, "Brian was right, she’s beautiful!" I didn’t know if I should laugh or cry when I heard that, but I could do neither as I followed Kate up the steps of the front door. My feelings would have to wait, for now I had a job to do.

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The inside of the house was even more gorgeous than I had imagined. As I stood in the hall, trying to catch my breath while Katie went ahead into another room to talk to Denise and Mr. Laurens, I looked around me curiously.

The loveliness of the hall overwhelmed me with its subtle beauty. The floor was simply tiled and the walls were painted a soft blue. The main showcase had to be the staircase though. Wide and sweeping, I could just picture Scarlet O’Hara walking down in one of her trademark ball gowns. It was just so beautiful.

"Wow! This is gorgeous," I thought out loud, "Who lives here?" I asked, half to myself, my voice coming out in a breathy whisper as I stood there, still caught up in the beauty of it all.

"I do," a new voice replied and I spun around, though there was no need for me to identify the speaker. Even without turning around, I would have recognized his voice anywhere.

Brian.

He was here.

‘After tonight, will you remember? How sweet and tenderly you reached for me and pulled me closer, after you go will you return to love me? After the night becomes the day...’

For a moment, we stared at each other, lost in the sudden rush of memories that came flooding back. The feel of his lips, the way our bodies fit together so perfectly, I remembered all those and as I looked into his endless blue eyes, I knew he was remembering them too.

Then he smiled at me and I was jolted back to four years ago when we had been standing apart in a massive ballroom, seeing something in the other’s eyes that had completed our souls. At least that’s what I thought then anyway. Now I knew better. God, did his eyes get bluer? I didn’t think it’s possible that they did but something about them compelled me to look deeper.

As I stood there, lost in Brian and dashed hopes, somebody cleared his throat and the spell was broken. Blinking in confusion, I turned my head and saw a couple eyeing us contemplatively.

"Hi, I’m Kevin and this is Nanci, my girlfriend. I believe you know my cousin Brian, right?" he asked, smiling soothingly at me.

"We’ve met before," replying frostily to Kevin’s question as I looked away from Brian’s searching look.

Blindly, I followed the sound of voices and walked into the small sitting room, which was on the right side of the hall. Katie was there as well as Denise and Mr. Laurens.

"Erin, there you are!" Katie said, looking at me speculatively. I could already see the questions she was forming in her head, questions I was in no mood to answer given my current frame of mind.

Sometimes having your manager as your best friend can really suck. There is never anything such as privacy when each mood and statement would be picked apart. Ok, I know I sound catty but that is how bad I feel.

"Sorry, I was just caught up in looking at the whole place. It’s just so gorgeous!" I gushed, refusing to look at Katie.

"Yes, it is, isn’t it?" Denise replied, "We’re really glad Brian asked us if we wanted to use his place. It helps cut down on the budget and it’s so beautiful too. Perfect for the song," she continued, looking at me in such a way that made me think she knew much more about me and Brian than she, or any of the other guys for that matter, wanted me to believe.

"I love the way it’s been done up," Katie chimed in, "Who decorated it?"

"Believe it or not, Brian. He bought the place three years ago and spent whatever free time he had after that buying stuff for the different rooms," Denise replied, amusement glittering in her eyes as she saw the looks of surprise in our faces,

"Well all I can say is he’s good at this!" Katie replied, grinning along with Denise.

"Who’s good at what?" Kevin asked, walking in with his arm around Nanci’s waist. The two of them looking glowingly in love with each other. It made me feel sick. Yes I know, another catty comment.

I’m just full of them today; it’s like one blond moment after another. Well no offense to anyone who’s blond but it does kinda come with the territory. I’m not like this usually. Really. It’s just the way I react whenever I think of Brian, I guess. I like to think so anyways. It’s easier to blame it on him than to explain my whole thesis on why there is no such thing as love everlasting.

Speak of the devil, Brian walked in, flanked by Nick, A.J, Howie and three other girls.

"Oh good, you’re here," Denise said, smiling fondly at the rest. I could see that they were all very dear to her even though only A.J was her biological son.

"So who’s good at what?" Kevin asked again, smiling as he pulled Nanci closer.

"Oh we were just talking about how Brian did up his house himself," Katie said, talking easily to them all, "I love what you’ve done with everything," she continued, turning to face Brian. That’s one of the many things I envy about Katie. She has this amazing ability to talk to anyone. I’m more of a private person and not particularly social. I guess that explains my lack of any real friends other than Katie and my family.

"Thanks, but I had a lot of help from my mom and Nanci, they helped me pick out most of the stuff," Brian replied, a slight blush tinting his baby smooth cheeks as he turned to smile at Nanci. She grinned back at him and I was struck with a thunder wave of jealousy. But I shrugged it off. I had no place being jealous anyway. It’s not like I was still in love with Brian. I’m not.

Really. I’m not.

I sighed, trying to clear the confusion in my mind. My life was getting more and more complicated by the minute. For the past four years, I had successfully led a life void of passion and I didn’t need it to screw up my head again like what had happened before. Even for one night, I couldn’t risk it, tempting as the thought was.

I sneaked a peek at Brian from beneath my lowered lashes. He was still talking intently with the Katie and the rest but I could see him looking at me too. Our eyes met and I jerked my face aside, not daring to trust myself under the intensity of his searing gaze.

Walking over to Katie who was now talking to Kevin and his girlfriend, I tugged on the sleeve of her utilitarian white DKNY work shirt.

"Katie, we have to talk. Now!" I whispered urgently. I think the desperation in my voice got through to her. Whatever the reason, she made her excuses to the couple and allowed me to drag her outside into the hall. Of course everyone else pretended not to notice our exit but I knew they, especially Brian, was curious to know what I wanted to talk to Katie about.

"Is there any way I can get out of this job?" I asked Katie bluntly once we were outside in the hall.

She looked at me, shock apparent in her face. "Get out of this? Why? I would have thought you would be more than pleased to get this particular booking. After all those months of hearing you complain of boredom, I thought this is what you want," she said, pausing for breath before continuing, "Is it because of Brian?"

This time it was my turn to be surprised. "What do you mean? What do you know?" I asked, trying to keep my voice neutrally low.

Katie sighed. "While we were talking just now, Denise let slip that it was Brian who asked them to book you especially for this video. She didn’t say anything else but from the way you’ve been acting, I’m guessing that there had to be something that happened before between the two of you. So tell me," she said, a soft soothing tone in her voice.

"I... I...," I tried to speak but before the words could properly form in my mind and come out, an interruption came in the form of Brian.

"Err...Erin, can I talk to you?" he asked, his beautiful blue eyes aglow with an emotion that I could not read.

Katie looked at me, then back at him. Finally she shook her head slightly. "We’ll finish talking later. And FYI, I just signed the contract. Unless you can work something out, you’ll have to see this through for the next five days," smiling sympathetically at me as she talked before turning back into the room where the rest were.

I glared at Brian. "We have nothing to talk about Brian, unless you want to explain why you want to see me again. What we had was in the past, it’s over. It’s not the same anymore. I’m not that innocent little girl you rejected!" I said, a tinge of scorn in my voice.

"Do you really believe that?" he asked quietly as he looked back at me.

"Believe what?" I asked, "Believe that there’s nothing between us anymore? Why not since you

made that perfectly clear to me four years ago when you walked away from me," I countered.

"You know what? You’re wrong! There is something between us and there always will. Do you think I don’t have regrets about walking away the way I did? They’ve been with me every single day of my life for the last four years!" he said, more forcefully this time, looking straight at me.

I turned away first, confused by the depth of emotion in his eyes.

"What do you want from me, Brian?" I asked flatly, weary of all that was taking place between the two of us.

"What do I want?" Brian gave a short bitter laugh. "Why don’t you tell me since you seem to know everything. All I know is I’ve wanted you ever since I saw you that night and I’ll never stop wanting you," he said seriously.

His words thrilled and saddened me at the same time.

"You mean you want to have sex with me," I replied, the sadness loud in my voice.

"Erin, I told you once before and I’ll say it again. You really underestimate yourself," he said, sighing loudly in frustration.

"Yes. I want to make love to you but I also want more."

Sighing loudly, he ran his fingers through his short brown-blond hair in a sign on frustration before going on.

"I want to go to sleep holding you in my arms and I want to wake up with you in the morning. I want to hold hands with you when we go out and I want you around when I come back from work every night so I can kiss you. I want you to be the mother of my children; I want to be the one you run to when you need a shoulder to cry on, I want to be your friend. But most of all, I want to be the person who loves you more than anyone else will love you in this lifetime. Could you give me a chance and let us start all over again?"

I was in tears by the time he finished speaking the words. Brian gently wiped them away from my cheeks before gathering me into his arms. Tenderly, he held me as I sobbed loudly into his shoulder.

Finally with a last hiccuped sob, I lifted up my face and looked into his sky blue eyes, which were filled with warm comfort.

"Well?" he asked, hope shining so brightly in them, hope that had been burning in me for the last four years.

I sighed. "I don’t know, Brian, I want to so bad but I’m scared. I’m so scared that you’ll walk away from me again like you did before. I don’t ever want to be so sad again like I was..." I said, trailing off as he winced visibly hearing the painful truth in my words.

"I’m sorry, so sorry for everything..." he said, trying to fight back the tears I could see forming in his eyes, as his arms tightened around me but I broke away.

"Do you think I’m not sorry too?" I asked, blinking away unshed tears which threatened to fall again.

"I’m sorry I didn’t have the courage to come after you, I’m sorry I never told you what I felt but it’s too late. I can’t change what happened between us and I can’t make myself take a chance because I’m so afraid. I don’t ever want to be hurt again," I said, looking straight at him.

He looked back at me, his eyes wide with confusion and it was all I could do to make myself not run back into the seeming safety of his arms. ‘Remember how you felt when he walked away. You don’t want to feel that way ever again, do you?’ my mind screamed at me.

"Why?" he asked, sorrow tinting his melodious tones, "Why can’t you give me a chance?"

"I... I... I don’t know..." I replied, not really knowing what to tell him but lost in remembering all the hurt I felt after that night.

"Why?" he pressed, moving closer to me till I was backed against the wall and his warm body was pressed against mine.

"Brian... stop it, we don’t belong together," I said, frightened by the sudden yearning that raced through me at the feel of his body so close to mine. I could feel every muscle as he pressed against me, feel his heart racing just as fast as mine.

"How can you say that when we both know that you are wrong?" Brian asked, "I want you and you want me, it’s as simple as that."

He moved his face close to mine, his lips trying to find mine as I twisted my head in a futile attempt to avoid his kiss. I gasped when he finally cupped my face in his hands; the weight of his body pinning me against the wall as his lips came down firmly on mine.

I let him kiss me for a while. Ok so I lied. I kissed him back too and I was still kissing him. God, for four years I had been floating around in limbo, not really feeling anything and now with one simple kiss, he had managed to obliterate the walls I had kept built around me so I would not feel hurt again.

I was on fire. Hot liquid coursed through my veins as I melted against Brian. I could stay here forever when he held me in his arms, kissing me. The thought had barely formed in my head when I remembered.

Remembered four years of heartache and the reason why I was not with Brian in the first place. ‘He walked away from you, never forget that’, my mind repeated, chanting it over and over again as I tried to forget, tried to lose myself in the sweet magic of his kisses.

"No!" I said, finally able to summon up enough will power to push Brian away. My breath came out in ragged, shallow pants as I stared at him, my arms still stretched out, holding him at bay.

"Erin," he said, reaching out to pull me closer, "Erin, give me another chance."

I shook my head. "Brian, no... Please... Leave me alone," I pleaded with him.

Before he could answer me, Kevin walked out. "Is everything ok?" he asked, looking hard at Brian and me. I blushed, wondering if he had seen us kissing before.

"I’m fine," I said hurriedly, willing my flaming cheeks to cool as I tried to move gracefully out of Brian’s arms. As I stepped away, Brian’s arm snaked out and curled against my waist, holding me close to him. If it wasn’t for the fact that his cousin was standing there, I would have kneed him there and then, right where it would hurt him most.

"Everything’s fine, Erin and I were just doing a little catching up, right baby girl?" Brian replied smoothly.

"Okay then, I just came out to tell you that we’re going to be discussing the video in ten minutes. Denise wants all of us present, especially you two," Kevin warned before going back into the sitting room.

Once Kevin was gone, Brian turned back to me. "Erin, please... I need you with me. Why can’t you give me another chance?"

I sighed. "Brian, it can’t happen again for us. That night was... it was a mistake, a fluke! It should never have happened," I said calmly, the lie slipping out easily though my heart screamed at the falseness of the words.

"You’re lying," he said, his words anguished and sorrow tinted his eyes.

"Brian, please... we have to go remember? Denise is waiting and so are the rest," I said, trying to pull away from him.

"Will you still stay for the job?" he asked, still not letting me go as I tugged against his arm.

I looked at him. Did I want to stay for the job? Five days of being close to him, working with him, would I be able to stand it? I sighed again. It wasn’t like I had much choice either. Katie had already signed the contract so I guess I was stuck.

‘Just keep your distance and everything would be fine’ my mind said to me soothingly.

Yeah I could do that, if I kept away from him, things would be fine. At least I hoped they would be. I didn’t have a clue what the next few days would be like but I owed it to Katie to at least try, considering all she had done for me before.

"Yeah I will, provided you let me go now," I finally replied.

He smiled. It lit up his face and did funny things to my insides, which I tried to ignore. ‘Keep your distance’ I reminded myself but it was hard when he looked at me so sweetly.

"I’m still going to try and change your mind," he warned, still smiling broadly.

I smiled back at him, his challenge bringing out the competitiveness in me. Maybe it wasn’t such a bad decision after all. Maybe Brian and me could still be friends. ‘Yeah and pigs can fly’ my mind retorted to that sappy optimistic thought.

"I know," I said, smiling as I saw the hope light up within him. He dropped his arm and I walked away, leaving him still leaning against the wall.

Two steps and a heartbeat later, I stopped. Looking back at him, I said, "Brian?"

"Yeah?" he replied.

"Don’t ever call me baby girl again," I said, smiling as he started laughing loudly.

Yeah, we could definitely be friends. God knows I needed as much of them as I could. As long as I kept my distance, things would be fine.

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Brian watched as she walked away. God, he loved her so much, his heart ached. He smiled as he remembered her sweet teasing and the passionate way she had returned his kisses. He couldn’t lose her again and no matter what she said, he knew she needed him just as badly too. They belonged together and he had just five days to convince her of that.

"I love you Erin," he whispered out loud even though he knew she couldn’t hear him. Closing his eyes for a moment, he savored the memory of her in his arms, the scent of her hair that was slippery silk between his fingers.

‘We belong together, whether you want to admit it or not’ he thought, before following her back into the sitting room.