After Tonight

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First Love: It’s So Hard To Say Goodbye

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The side door opened out to the west section of the house, away from the ballroom and the watchful eyes of my parents and siblings. Did I mention I have two older brothers too? That kinda puts a cramp on any romantic attachments I might have so I decided I wasn’t taking any chances this time round.

The moonlight shone brightly, lighting up the familiar green grass till they looked dusted with fairy magic. I tugged on Brian’s hand and pulled him along with me till we had walked out of sight of the house and near the pool. My dad had it put in for us one hot summer and I’ve always loved hanging out there by myself.

Letting go of Brian’s hand, I walked to the edge of the water and sat down, taking care to pull up my dress before I let my bare feet dangle in the cool water. Closing my eyes briefly, I let out a sigh of relief. When I opened them again, I saw Brian standing where I had left him, a huge smile stretched across his face.

"What?" I asked, smiling back at him. He really looked adorable when he smiled like that, I thought lazily.

"Nothing," he replied, "You don’t really like this kind of thing much, do you?"

"What kind of thing?" I asked, my eyes still locked with his.

He smiled some more, "You know, the parties and stuff..."

"Oh... was I that obvious? My mother says I should get out more and socialize and stuff but that’s more her thing than mine!" I replied, looking down once more and swinging my feet around, feeling the cool water swirl against them.

A sudden noise distracted me and I looked up again to find that Brian had taken off his shoes and was now rolling up his pants. He sat down next to me and put a casual arm around my shoulders. With my shoulders and arms left bare by the dress that my mother had picked out for me, I could feel the heat of his body radiating through the thin cotton of his shirt. Despite the warmth of the fine summer night, I shivered.

"Are you cold?" Brian asked, pulling me even closer till my head lay against his shoulder and our bodies were touching from thigh to cheek. It was all very new to me what he made me feel and overwhelmingly exciting and frightening at the same time. And in that instant, I knew I could fall, fall really hard for him.

That thought came out of nowhere and the intensity of what I felt terrified me.

I’ve been in love before, I mean come on, I’m twenty-one. But what I felt before could never compare to the rainbow whirlpool of emotions I was falling in and the thing about it was that it felt so right. Like we were meant to be or something which is a total hoot since I don’t really believe in fate. Neither do I believe in love much but that’s different, I guess, given my past relationships.

"So, my mother says you’re in a band. What do you do?" I asked him, trying to keep the mood light so I could clamp down on my emotions, which were spinning way out of control.

"Well, we prefer to think of ourselves as a vocal harmony group," he said, smiling down at me again and the sweetness in it made my toes curl in the water and a tingle spread over my skin.

"Ok, vocal harmony group, got that! So what are you guys called?" I asked, trying to stop myself from reaching up and kissing him. I don’t usually do that sorta thing but there was just something about him that made me wanna forget everything else.

"You mean you really don’t know?" he asked, an incredulous tone in his voice.

I laughed. "What should I know?" I asked, trying to figure out the sudden shift in his mood.

"Never mind, we call ourselves the Backstreet Boys," he said, "Have you heard of us?"

I looked back at him, a shocked look in my eyes. "Oh wow, no kidding," I managed to gasp out, "I mean you guys are like so famous, of course I’ve heard of you!" Way to go Erin, now you sound like a star struck fan, I thought, a mental groan resounding through my head.

I started blushing right after I said that but he was really cool about it, just smiled at me with that sweet adorable blue puppy eyes (if puppies can have blue eyes) of his. Not that he could really see me blushing I guess but my whole face was definitely flushed

"It’s ok, it’s not a big deal anyway, I like not being recognized, makes for a refreshing change," he said, laughing as I tried to apologize again for not recognizing him earlier. Then he started to tell me about how they got started and the places he had been to.

I think we must have sat there for ages after, just dangling our feet in the water and talking. My parents had brought me with them on my father’s business trips when I was younger and last year me and a couple of girlfriends had also gone on a holiday to Italy and France. That was actually the first time I had been out of the country with anyone other than my parents and it had been the best trip I ever had.

We compared notes on what sort of food we liked and the different types of music we listened to. He liked soul acts like Brian McKnight and K-Ci & JoJo while I preferred a more alternative sound from singers like Alanis Morrisette, Jewel and Silverchair.

It was so much fun being alone with a guy and just talking on endlessly about everything and anything in particular. That’s never happened to me before.

When I finally let my eyes wander down to the thin silver watch I wore on my left wrist, I was really shocked. It was almost 2 am and I knew by now my parents were probably really worried about me, especially since I hadn’t said anything before I sneaked out. But then again, if I had told them, they probably would have found some way to make me stay.

As I sighed in confusion, Brian tightened his arms around me and I leaned against him some more. Sitting there like that, I felt really comfortable and strangely, also very safe. The silvery moonlight seemed to weave a sort of magic around my senses and I suddenly wished desperately that we didn’t have to leave, that the sun wouldn’t come up and drive away the shadows that masked who we really were and the different worlds we were in.

Next to me, Brian rested his cheek against mine. His skin was soft and cool and I couldn’t resist reaching up with my left hand to touch it. As if in a daze, my fingers slowly started to stroke his cheek, moving up and down in a dance strange to me. On my third stroke, he reached out and took my hand into his. Slowly, he brought it to his lips and kissed my fingers one by one. It was so sweet and he made me feel so special. I think I was ready to melt then. No other guys have made me feel that way before.

"Erin?" he said, using his other hand to tip my face up towards his.

"Yes?" I replied, looking into his eyes as he repeated my motions of before and stroked his fingers across my cheek once in a feathery caress.

"Thank you for bringing me out here tonight," he said, still looking into my eyes as he slowly brought his mouth onto mine.

It was a sweet kiss, soft and gentle and it left me aching for more. I knew he felt it too because in the instant after it ended, we were kissing again. It was a hungrier kiss, deeper and stronger touches coupled with lingering little pecks in between. I felt his arms go around my waist and my hands snaked up to curl around his nape. We clung to each other, still desperately seeking further contact till suddenly somehow my feet left the water and I was lying on my back, our mouths still fused together as his body pressed down against mine.

For an endless moment, we stayed there like that, his body on top of mine, each movement that he made drawing me deeper into the magic we were creating. My arms were still around his neck as my fingers shifted through his short hair while he ran questing fingers down the sides of my body. It was only when his fingers brushed against the top of my dress that alarm bells started ringing through my head. As his fingers went round my back and fumbled with the zip there, I finally mustered enough will power to wrench my lips away from his.

Our breaths came out in short pants as I stared at him, my eyes wide with a sudden fear of the leap I had almost made into the unknown.

"Brian, I, we... I can’t do this," I stammered out, not able to read the look in his eyes.

He didn’t say anything, just got up off me and stared out at the pool. I sat up too and tried desperately to search for something to say. What do you say when this kind of things happen anyway?

"Why?" He asked, his voice still husky with the passion we had shared seconds before. He still didn’t look at me and I felt myself flush again.

Why, he asked. Good question. I didn’t know the answer myself too, but I did know that no matter how right it had felt, what we had between us, it just wasn’t meant to happen right now. Not when it might be just the after effects of too much moonlight and sweet smiles.

Maybe I was falling in love with him, but I couldn’t make love with him, not when I didn’t know if he felt the same way too. But I couldn’t tell him that, so I told him the truth.

"I... I don’t know..." I whispered softly, misery punctuating my words which echoed through the still night and were snatched away by the cool breeze that blew.

An eternity of silence built between us as he stared into the water that mirrored the blue depths of his eyes while I looked down miserably at the ground. Then he turned and looked at me. Our eyes locked, unspoken longing resounding in our gaze.

Finally with a hefty sigh, he looked away again then stood up.

"I think I’d better go," he said, regret heavy in his voice.

I stood up too, dusting off my skirts and ignoring the arm he offered to me.

"Can you find your way out?" I asked him, not trusting myself to not break down in front of him if I remained in his presence any longer.

He came up to me and gave me a swift hug. "Yes, I think so," he said, running a lingering finger across my lips as he sighed once again. It took every ounce of will power I possessed not to start crying then.

He walked away then but a step away from me, he looked back.

"Goodbye Erin, if only..." he said, the words a soft whisper on the wind, "If only we could have been, it felt so right..." with that, he turned back and walked away till he was just a distant figure in the shadows. Only then did I allow the tears to fall as I touched one hand to my swollen lips.

"Goodbye Brian, I love you..." I whispered, knowing he could not hear me but just needing to say it out loud, if only just once.