Eyes are feeling heavy but they never seem to close The fan blades on the ceiling spin but the air is never cold And even though you're next to me I still feel alone I just can't give you anything for you to call your own

Brian held her small frame close, the scent of her shampoo which smelt of strawberries invading his nostrils. Her arms were loosely slung around his slender waist as his fingers tangled into her light brown hair. He caressed his fingers throughout the shoulder length hair only to find himself doing it repeatedly until he grew tired of it. He placed his hand on her back, she let out a soft moan as he began to stroke her back, comforting her from whatever she felt she needed to be comforted from. The silence was almost deafening as he stared up at the ceiling, the fan blades moving at a steady pace, sending some sort of chill over the room although Brian never felt it. His eyelids were falling heavy, but yet they wouldn't close as he glanced around the room, only looking in the corners which were collecting dust and a few cobwebs, nothing of importance though. Just one empty space after another, much like he felt at this very moment. His gaze drifted downwards to the woman in his arms, Jillian. Her eyes were closed and her chest moved with steady breathing signaling that she had drifted off to sleep in his embrace. He brought his gaze back to the ceiling, watching as the fan swirled around. No matter how close Jillian was to him, it never seemed to fail him that the feelings of loneliness would wash over him like a giant wave. It seemed no matter what Brian did for her, she'd never be fully satisfied, she always needed something more and he just didn't know how to give it to her.

And I can feel you breathing and it's keeping me awake Can you feel it beating my heart sinking like a weight

As Brian lay awake, it seemed as if her breathing had grown louder when in fact it hadn't. Brian had a way to trick his mind into pretending things were happening when they weren't. Her breathing was keeping him awake and he was sure of it, he wanted to shake her awake, but knew he shouldn't since it would bring back the memories from their last fight that was just held not too long ago. It was always the same thing, Jillian wanted what Brian couldn't give her and it always resulted in an argument that neither of them knew how to resolve. The more she tried to grow closer to him, the more his heart went astray. This had been the cycle for nearly two months, they were both afraid to bring it up though for the fear of being alone was far greater than pretending to be in love.

Something I've been keeping locked away behind my lips I can feel it breaking free with each and every kiss I couldn't bear to hurt you but it's all so different now Things that I was sure of they have filled me up with doubt

Jillian shifted her weight, her arms no longer slung across his waist, instead she had curled up into a ball, Brian still had at least one of his arms around her, in a protective manner. He glanced at her, feeling the urge to kiss her once more, just to see if maybe he was making a mountain out of an anthill with their troubles. But something told him not to bother, not to waste his time, for it was far too late for the couple. He let out a heavy sigh, glancing at the open window, the curtains ruffling with the slight breeze and the last of the suns rays shining into the room and cascading over their bodies. Brian didn't know what to do anymore, he was lost and confused. Something he never thought he'd feel with Jillian. Jillian moved around once again, Brian turned to watch her, she looked so at ease when she was sleeping, too bad that's not how things really were. Once again that urge to kiss her presented itself and Brian decided against his better judgement and leaned his body into hers, his lips brushing over hers. He had wanted for this one simple kiss to make everything okay, but that was asking a lot, especially with each kiss her gave her, the more and more detached he felt.

Brian lay back against the bed again, Jillian hadn't even stirred. In the earlier days of their relationship she would've, but now she was just as detached as he was, why either of them continued on with this charade was unbeknownst to them. Maybe it was a sense of security. History means security but not necessarily happiness. Brian had never wanted to hurt Jillian and vice versa but sometimes you just can't escape the inevitable. He'd end up hurting her, she'd end up hurting him and then they'd go on living their lives separately since all of those things he had once felt with Jillian were nothing more than doubts in his mind and the screaming message that he should run.

And I can feel you breathing and it's keeping me awake Can you feel it my heart sinking like a weight

Jillian had curled up into his body, her breathing become more and more unavoidable. Brian wanted to just drift off much like she had and forget everything in the present and just sleep his troubles away but it was to no avail. He was stuck listening to her breathing and feeling his heart sinking in his chest. Feelings that were becoming more friendly to him.

I can feel you breathing, it's keeping me awake Could you stop my heart it's always Beating, sinking like a weight

Brian took in another deep breath, the undeniable becoming more of a reality as he lay with her in the silence of his room. He never felt the same with Jillian anymore, it always seemed like work just to tell her that he loved her, which he wasn't even sure of anymore. His heart didn't palpitate like it used to when he would first see her, instead it would feel like it was slowing and continuing that sinking feeling. Brian knew what should be done, he just didn't know when to do it. Brian didn't love Jillian anymore.

How am I supposed to feel about the things I've done I don't know if I should stay or turn around and run I know that I hurt you things will never be the same The only love I ever knew I threw it all away

Brian pushed himself into a sitting position, this time Jillian took notice of his movements and her eyes fluttered open and met with his. She let out a yawn, also adjusting herself into a sitting position. Brian looked at her, his decision become more clear in his mind as the right thing to do, he just could pretend that he still loved her, it wasn't fair to either of them to be living a lie.

"Jill, we need to talk," Brian stated, taking her small hand in his slightly larger hand, she looked at him worriedly as concerned flashed over her bright blue eyes.

"Okay Bri," Jillian replied, waiting for him to state the topic of this impending conversation, she knew she wouldn't like it and Brian knew he wouldn't like her reaction but it was a long time coming, both of them should've known that at least.

Brian grabbed her other hand, glancing down at their clasped hands before making eye contact with her once again. She swallowed a lump in her throat, her eyes had become shiny and he knew she was on the verge of tears. He didn't want to make her cry, he had strived to not make her cry, but some things are just unavoidable.

"Jillian, I think we've both reached a point where we know it's foolish to continue living this lie that we've become so accustomed to," Brian began, she nodded her head slightly waiting for the rest of the news, "I'm not sure how you feel, but I think on some level you feel the same way that I do."

"Brian, what are you saying?" Jillian voice became soft.

"I'm saying that...I-I...don't love you...anymore," Brian stammered, trying hard to find words that wouldn't hurt her but he knew that was impossible. Jillian removed her hands from his grasp, burying her face in her palms, Brian had succeeded in making her cry.

Jillian hadn't said anything in response, she must've felt there was no use in trying to fight for his affection when it was clear that it wasn't there anymore. Brian looked at her, she finally brought her gaze to his, a few tears were lingering in the corners of her eyes and her face was now tear stained with mascara.

"I'm sorry Jill," Brian quietly said, "I never wanted to hurt you."

A few sobs escaped her throat, Brian pulled her in for one last hug and kissed the top of her head. He started to contemplate his decision but in the end he knew it was the right thing to do. If he would've continued pretending that he loved her it just would've hurt her even more than he already had. Brian pulled away from her embrace, he looked into her azure eyes, knowing that nothing would ever be the same between them and he'd just become a memory. His first love, thrown all away with a few simple words.

And I can feel you breathing and it's keeping me awake Can you feel it beating my heart sinking like a weight

I can feel you breathing, it's keeping me awake Could you stop my heart it's always Beating, sinking like a weight

***

The End