___________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The rain was beating down on Nick Carter but he didn’t care. He didn’t care about anything life threw at him. Nothing could be worse than what it had already thrown. The rainwater slipped through his thick, blond hair, dripping off and then continuing to run down his face. He just didn’t care about anything anymore. He didn’t have anything to live for, he had nothing. He had his fame; his wealth but nothing could replace what he had just lost. His blue eyes had lost their warmth and their compassion, they were now dark, resembling a stormy ocean, an ocean that everyone tries to avoid if they have to sail.

“Why?” Nick muttered to himself.

He fiddled with his jacket, waiting for someone to answer him but no one did, he knew no one could answer that one painful question for him because, if the truth were told, no one knew the answer.

“Why did you leave me?! Why, Caitlin, why?!” He shouted.

Tears started to fall down the 22 year olds face, all his pain and anguish rushing to the surface. He fell to his knees, the floor soaking wet and slowly turning to mud, staining his black trousers. He gently rocked back and forth, thinking about his past; his happy past.

“Caitlin? Have I told you I love you today?” Nick asked as he pushed a stray piece of strawberry blonde hair out of Caitlin’s face.

Caitlin giggled.

“Mmmmm, only about a thousand times!” Caitlin replied, pulling Nick towards her and kissing him gently.

Caitlin pulled Nick closer by his shirt, until he was lying on top of her, eagerly kissing her on the beach. There was no one else around, just like usual. No one bothered to stay up and watch the sunrise. Caitlin and Nick always did, once every month, to mark the day they had met, on the same beach, just as the sun was rising. It was something special to them. Something nobody else would ever understand; something no one else would ever be apart of. Nick sat up, breathlessly and looked at Caitlin, taking in her natural beauty. He had never met anyone else like her. Her blue/ green eyes shone like stars in the night sky and her hair fell in a messy but sexy look, a look which would only ever look right on her. She didn’t do it on purpose, it just happened. She had a heart of gold, filled with love and compassion. She was 20 years old and Nick realised she was his true love.

“What are you staring at, Nick?” Caitlin asked, gently as she reached up and brushed his damp hair out of his face.

“You.” Nick replied, kissing her again.

Caitlin smiled, shyly. Her smile was something else Nick loved about her. It was so shy and coy; totally adorable. He couldn’t believe they had been dating for two years already. It had gone by so fast.

“C’mon, let’s go home, Nick.” Caitlin said, suddenly, pulling Nick away from his thoughts, a hazy look shadowing her face.

“What’s wrong? Have I said something wrong?” Nick asked, concern shooting through him.

“Of course not, silly, I just want to go home for a bit. I want us to talk.” Caitlin replied, biting down on her bottom lip, hating herself for spoiling the moment.

Nick looked at her puzzled but he stood up and then helped Caitlin up off of the sandy floor. She held on to Nick’s hand tightly as they made their way back to his green Durango, wondering if telling him her secret, which she had forgotten about for a few fleeting moments, would spoil everything they had going for them.

Nick stared up into the sky, his tears slowing up but not completely stopping.

“What have I done that is so wrong to deserve this?” Nick asked, quietly, the rain still beating down upon him.

Still, no one answered him. He had asked the same question day after day and night after night, each time, his frustration growing more and more stronger. He could still remember that day clearly. It seemed like it had only happened a few hours before, rather than nearly ten months before. Nick didn’t know what to do with the pain, which continued to sweep through his heart day after day. It was like he was being tortured everyday. He loved Caitlin with all his heart. His body ached for hers at night, his heart called to hers during the day but she never came back to him. Never. More thoughts flooded into Nick’s head, starting off a fresh batch of tears.

“Caitlin, why have you gone so quiet all of a sudden?” Nick asked as he started up the Durango and pulled away from the beach, towards their home.

“I’ve just got something on my mind.” Caitlin replied, sighing.

“What? You were fine just a minute ago. What’s going on, Caitlin?”

“It’s………it’s……I’ll tell you another time, Nick.” Caitlin finally said, after much stumbling over her words.

“Why not tell me now, Caitlin? What is it that is making you so quiet? Have I done something wrong, is that it? Do you want to end this relationship?” Nick asked, quietly.

“NO!! Nick, I love you. I love being in this relationship with you!! You mean the world to me. I promise you. Look, pull the car over. We need to talk. We both have a problem.”

Nick looked at her, puzzled but did as she asked of him. He pulled the car over into a small lay-by and turned the engine off.

“Well?” He asked, looking intently at Caitlin.

Caitlin ran a hand through her hair and sighed, tears forming at the thought of what she had to tell Nick. It wasn’t a huge deal but to her, it was.

“Caitlin, look at me.” Nick said, titling her head around to face his questioning eyes.

Caitlin looked deep into Nick’s ocean blue eyes and sighed. She took a deep breath and started to speak.

“Promise me you won’t leave me and then I’ll tell you what’s going on.” She said, her voice barely above a whisper.

“Caitlin, I promise you with all my heart, I won’t leave you no matter what it is you have to tell me.” Nick asked, reaching over and holding her hand.

“Well……..erm………Nick, I………I’m pregnant.” She said, after a long deliberation about it.

Nick looked at her in shock. He didn’t say anything.

“I knew you’d hate the idea. I’m so sorry, Nick, I am. I didn’t mean it to happen. It’s not all my fault. Nick, really I am………” Caitlin started, a panicked element in her voice.

Nick silenced her by reaching over and kissing her passionately on the lips.

“Caitlin, I’m not mad at you. I wish you had told me sooner.” Nick said, pulling away a little.

“Why?” Caitlin asked.

“’Cos then I could have told the other guys that I was gonna be a Daddy earlier!” Nick replied, his famous grin spreading across his face.

Caitlin looked at him, her heart thumping with joy at the prospect of having Nick’s child.

“You mean it? You’re pleased?” Caitlin questioned as Nick reached over and kissed away her tears.

“You bet! I love you Caitlin Jane Thomas.”

“I love you too Nickolas Gene Carter.” She replied, leaning over and kissing him again. Nick pulled her close and kissed the top of her head.

“I’ll always look after you, Caitlin, always.” He whispered, sweetly.

“Do you remember that day, Caitlin? God, you don’t know how happy you made me that day. My first child and you were its Mother. I couldn’t have asked for more. You gave me something so precious when you said those words to me, baby. I was honestly and truly the happiest man in the world. Nothing else mattered to me as much as you and my baby did………..do. Nothing.” Nick said, smiling at the memory.

The rain was easing up slightly; Nick was still kneeling on the floor, the mud having stained his trousers.

“God, Caitlin, we’ve shared so much.” Nick whispered.

Nick and Caitlin were sitting watching the television, the rain pouring down outside. Caitlin was lying with Nick on the sofa; Nick was gently rubbing her stomach. She was eight and half months pregnant now. And Nick was the happiest man in the world. Nothing could ever compare to what he was feeling inside. Caitlin sat up for a minute and looked at Nick.

“I’m gonna go out to Abbi’s, Nick. I’ll be back in about an hour or so.” She said, getting up off of the sofa.

“I’ll drive you.” Nick said, getting ready to get up.

Caitlin placed a hand on his chest and pushed him back down on the sofa.

“No, Nick. I can drive myself. I’m pregnant, not completely incapable.” She said, smiling.

“But……”

“No, buts, Nick. I’ll see you in about an hour.” She said, kissing him gently and then leaving the room.

Nick smiled at her retreating back. She was so independent sometimes. Her pregnancy had made her glow and it made her even more beautiful than what she already was.

“See you in a bit, Nick. I love you.” Caitlin said, as she came back into the living room, a smile on her face and her coat on.

“I love you too, Caitlin. Are you sure you don’t want me to drive you?” Nick asked as he stood up, taking her into his arms.

“I’m positive, Nick. I’ll see you later.” Caitlin replied, giggling at him.

She wriggled out of his strong grasp, blew him a kiss from the doorway and then she left. Nick threw himself back on to the sofa, smiling at how lucky he was to have her. And then, before he knew it, he was falling into a deep and peaceful sleep.

Nick’s heart ached even more as he thought about that night. The night, which a part of his heart died.

“Do you remember that night, Caitlin? What did you feel that night?” Nick asked, digging his hands into the freshly dug dirt.

Nick looked around him, everywhere he looked, and he could see Caitlin’s beautiful face, an image that would haunt him for the rest of his life. He closed his eyes, biting down on his lip.

Nick awoke to a loud knocking at his front door. He glanced over at the clock and realised he had been asleep for four hours.

“Caitlin?” He called.

He got no reply and he eased himself off of the sofa and up to answer the door, thinking it was her.

“I bet you forgot your keys, didn’t you, babe? You’re so………” He opened the door and saw two police officers standing on his doorstep, not finishing his sentence.

Rain was falling hard and the officers were slightly wet. It wasn’t unusual weather for October.

“Are you Mr. Nickolas Gene Carter?” The tall, male officer asked.

Nick looked at them puzzled.

“Yeah, I am.” Nick replied.

“Can we come in, Mr. Carter?” The smaller, female officer asked, taking her hat off.

“Erm, of course.” Nick replied, his eyebrows knotted in confusion.

The officers walked in, Nick shut the front door behind them, not before he double-checked to see if Caitlin’s car was on the drive. It wasn’t. The officers stood awkwardly in the hallway.

“Oh, erm, please come this way into the living room.” Nick said, showing them the way. The two officers sat down on the black leather sofa, looking at Nick.

“May I ask what this is about?” Nick asked, sitting in the armchair opposite them.

“Mr. Carter, I’m afraid we have some bad news for you.” The female officer said, her voice portraying hardly any emotion.

Nick’s stomach started to knot and he swallowed hard.

“What…….what sort of…….bad news.” He asked, nervously.

The two officers looked at each other and then back at the 22 year olds now scared and pale face.

“There’s no easy way to say something like this to someone, Mr. Carter but I’m afraid there was an accident tonight.”

“An accident? What type of accident?” Nick asked, looking to the doorway.

“A car accident, Mr, Carter. A car accident involving your girlfriend, Caitlin Jane Thomas.”

Nick looked at them, not wanting them to continue but they did.

“A car went over the rails of Golden Gate Bridge tonight, Mr. Carter. A red Mercedes convertible, believed to be belonging to your girlfriend.”

Nick closed his eyes, and then he spoke.

“Is Caitlin dead?” He asked, not wanting to really know the answer.

“No, Mr. Carter. You’re girlfriend is not dead. She was taken to hospital as soon as she was pulled out of the car. She and the car were pulled out of the river about two hours ago.” The officer told him. Nick looked up, his eyes wide.

“What hospital?” He asked, standing up and grabbing his keys from the table.

“San Francisco General.” The female officer replied, standing up and following Nick to the door.

“Fine.” Nick replied as he shut the door behind them, raced to his car and jumped in, pulling away at 100 MPH.

The two officers looked at each other.

“Poor kid, I pray to God they can help the girl. He’ll be heartbroken without her.” The male officer said.

“I know, what makes it worse is that she’s pregnant.” The other replied, a heavy feeling in her heart.

Nick opened his eyes, his hands still embedded in the freshly dug dirt. He pulled his hands away, his hands now dirty and muddy. Dirt buried under his bitten down fingernails.

“I kept telling myself it wasn’t you, Caitlin, that they had got it wrong.” Nick whispered.

The rain had stopped and the sun was trying to break through the dark and cloudy sky.

“Who would have thought our luck could change so drastically, Caitlin? I didn’t believe we could ever have bad luck. Everything was going perfectly for us. You had even said yes to being my wife. Why did it all come crashing down?”

Nick slammed his foot on the brakes of his car and pulled up in the ambulance bay. He shot out of the car and into the reception area of the hospital.

“Erm, I’m looking for a Caitlin Jane Thomas? She was brought here after a car accident.” Nick said, breathlessly to the woman on the reception desk. The receptionist looked at him, instantly recognising him but not saying anything. She could see the pained look on his face.

“Erm, you go down the corridor and turn left. She’s in the recovery room. Erm, there’s a doctor outside, he should be able to tell you more about her.” She replied, pushing a strand of red hair out of her eyes.

Nick nodded and followed the receptionist’s directions and easily found the recovery room.

“Can I help you?” A young male doctor asked, looking at Nick from head to toe.

Nick was only wearing his shorts, a t-shirt and a pair of Nike trainers.

“I’m looking for Caitlin Jane Thomas. She was brought in here earlier. She was in a car accident.” Nick said, breathlessly.

“Oh, you must be Mr. Carter, her boyfriend. If you would come this way, Mr. Carter, there are some things you ought to know.”

“She’s gonna be okay, isn’t she?” Nick asked as soon as the doctor had taken him into his office. The doctor looked at Nick and sighed. He knew it was going to be hard to tell him the truth.

“I’m afraid your girlfriend is not going to be okay, Mr. Carter.”

“What………what do you mean? You’re a doctor! You’re supposed to make her better! You can’t be standing there telling me she’s not going to be okay!” Nick shouted.

“Mr. Carter, please would you let me explain. When your girlfriend went over the bridge, there was a lot of impact on her chest, causing internal bleeding. It’s too difficult for us to repair the damage, which has taken place in her body. She wouldn’t survive, even if we operated on her now. She suffered very serious injuries, Mr. Carter.” The doctor said, grimly.

Nick looked at the doctor in disbelief. He ran a hand through his thick blond hair and then looked at the floor.

“Her body is slowly shutting down, Mr. Carter. There really is nothing we can do for her."

"If there’s nothing you can do, then why is she fighting to stay alive?! I’ll tell you why, because she’s not a quitter! She fights for everything she wants and believes in and she wants her life. Are you just going to stand by and let it slip away from her?” Nick asked, shouting at first and then lowering his voice to nothing more than a whisper.

“I’m very sorry, Mr. Carter. I am.”

“How can you just stand there and say you’re sorry? You don’t know what I’m fucking feeling right now! You don’t know half of it!” Nick shouted as he slammed his hand against the wall.

The doctor looked at him and nodded silently, knowing it was better for him to be quiet, rather than say something.

Nick bit down on his lip, a million thoughts running through his head. He looked back up at the doctor, like a frightened and lost child; his anger subsiding for a moment.

“What about……………what about our baby?” He asked, finally.

“Your baby is alive and well, Mr. Carter. We had to do a caesarean section but your child is a very strong and healthy baby.”

“What did we have?”

“A girl, Mr. Carter. A beautiful girl.”

Nick nodded, his bottom lip trembling.

“Is it……is it okay if I go and sit with Caitlin?” He asked, quietly.

“Of course it is, Mr. Carter. Of course it is.” The doctor replied.

Nick nodded and turned to leave the room. Then he turned back to face the doctor.

“Is she really going to die?” Nick asked, swallowing hard.

The doctor looked Nick right in the eye.

“I’m afraid she is, Mr. Carter.”

Nick didn’t answer him; he simply turned and walked out of the door, a steady pain ripping through his heart and soul.

“I didn’t want to believe him, Caitlin. I had this feeling in my heart that I could stop you from leaving me. That I could make you better. I’m so sorry, Caitlin, I am so sorry, I didn’t do anything to stop this. I’m so sorry.“ Nick whispered, a fresh batch of tears inching their way down his, already tear stained, cheeks.

Nick lifted his hand and let his fingers touch the white and red roses, which he had brought for Caitlin. She had loved red and white roses. He had always brought them for her. It only seemed right she had them for her funeral and for her grave. The word ‘grave’ echoed in Nick’s mind, hurting and torturing his soul even more.

“I promised you I would look after you, Caitlin. And what have I done? How have I looked after you, when you’re here? It should be me, Caitlin, it should be me, it should be me.” He kept on saying it to himself.

Nick knew deep down in his heart Caitlin wouldn’t have wanted him to do this to himself, to torture himself but he couldn’t help it. He had lost his true love, the mother of his child. He had lost everything he had ever truly cared for.

Nick walked into the barely lit room, the musty smell of antiseptic entering his nose. He looked across the room at the bed were Caitlin was lying. He didn’t want to see her dying. He wanted to see her as she had been earlier, lying in his arms, smiling at the prospect of spending the rest of their lives together, looking forward to the next day. He reached the side of the bed and nearly passed out at how ill and fragile Caitlin looked. He had never seen her look like that in all the time he had known her. Her arms were cut, scratched and bruised; dried blood clung to the almost invisible hairs on her arms. A deep cut zig zagged into her hair, dry with blood. A single scratch was just under her right eye. Nick could only imagine what other injuries Caitlin had on her body and deep inside of her.

“Nick?”

Nick looked at Caitlin’s face and saw her blue/ green eyes staring up at him. Nick fell to his knees in an instant, allowing him to be level with the bed.

“I’m here, Caitlin.” Nick replied.

Caitlin summoned up enough energy to reach her hand up and grasp at his. Nick held her hand tightly in his. He didn’t want to let her go.

“Nick…….whatever happens….” Caitlin started to whisper.

“Caitlin, nothing is gonna happen. You’re gonna get better and we’re gonna get married, look after our baby, watch her grow up together, we’re gonna grow old together.” Nick said, biting down hard on his lip, trying to hold back his tears; it was difficult.

Caitlin managed a weak smile.

“Nick, you know that’s not going to happen. Not now.”

“It will, Caitlin, I know it will.” Nick replied, trying to convince Caitlin as well as himself.

“No, Nick, it won’t. Please listen to me. I’m going to die, Nick. It’s…….my time…..to go.” She said, her words starting to sound breathless and strained.

“Please, Caitlin, please don’t talk like that.” Nick whispered, resting his forehead on hers.

“Nick…….I have to. I want you to promise me something.”

“Caitlin……..”

“I want you to promise me, Nick.” She repeated.

“Okay, promise you what?”

“Look after our daughter. When she’s old enough to…………. understand, tell her about me and………………. let her know I loved her. Let her know………….. that when I saw her for the very few minutes I did………..I thought……..she was…..beautiful.” She breathed.

Nick couldn’t hold it in any longer. The tears he had been holding back slipped down his cheeks, dripping on to the bed.

“Nick…….please don’t cry.”

“I can’t live without you, Caitlin. I can’t do it.”

“Yes……..yes…..you can, Nick. You………have to. For our…….daughter and…….everyone who loves…….you.”

“No, Caitlin.”

“Nick……please listen to………me. You have…..to carry on……..living. Your life…….cannot end…….just because……..mine….has.”

“Caitlin, please don’t leave me. Please. I need you.” Nick whispered, his tears flowing freely.

“We’ll be together…….again……one….day, Nick. I promise.”

“Caitlin……..”

“Tell……….everyone I love them. I love you.”

“Caitlin, don’t go.” Nick cried out, an urgency in his voice.

“I……..love….you, Nick. I’ll……love you…….forever. Remember that. I’ll……always be around. You…….might……not…….be able to……see me….but you’ll feel me and……my…presence.” Caitlin said, her eyes closing.

“Caitlin, I love you.” Nick whispered, urgency in his voice.

“I know you……..do. Don’t forget me………please don’t, Nick. Look…..after our daughter. I…….love……………………………..you.” Caitlin said, her voice barely above a whisper.

She closed her eyes and Nick saw one tear fall on her left cheek. He felt her hand slip from his and she was gone.

“Caitlin? Caitlin, please! Please don’t leave me. Caitlin, I need you. Come back, Caitlin, please come back.” Nick cried, burying his head into the soft sheets of the hospital bed.

Nick looked down at her grave. His heart playing the child’s game of tug of war with bitterness and loss. Both were winning equally. His life was beginning to seem more and more worthless as the time wore on.

“They all just stood there, Caitlin; watching me, staring at me; waiting to see my reaction. Just waiting to ring the press and tell them that Nick Carter had flipped out.” Nick whispered.

“And they weren’t far from the truth, Caitlin. If you’d been there, you would have been ashamed of how I acted.” He added, shaking his head.

Nick continued to sob into the sheets on the bed, silently pleading for Caitlin to come back to him. His body was racked with heart wrenching sobs. Sobs which could be heard outside of the room. He clasped his hand back over Caitlin’s, holding it tight, never wanting to let go. He lifted his head up. He was holding her left hand and something was digging into his flesh. He loosened his grip on her for a moment and then he saw it. On her fourth finger was a four and a half carat engagement ring. The same engagement ring she loved and cherished. Fresh tears started to build up in Nick’s eyes. Slowly, he slipped the ring off of her finger, and then he held it tightly in his hand. He could still remember when he had given it to her and she hadn’t fallen in love with the ring; she had fallen even more in love with Nick for him asking her to marry him. The tears slid down Nick’s handsome face. A nurse walked in and she studied his broad frame; her heart full of sympathy for him. She walked over to him and put a hand on his shoulder.

“Mr. Carter……” She started to say. Nick shrugged her hand off.

“Leave me alone.” He said, in a gruff, harsh voice; a voice no one would ever think belonged to him.

“Mr. Carter. You can’t stay here. I’m sorry. You have to leave. We have to prepare her for…..” The nurse stopped herself from saying the last words. Nick already knew what they were.

“What don’t you just finish your God damn, fucking sentence? We all know she has to be taken to the mortuary! I know that!! I’m not stupid!!” Nick shouted, getting up.

The nurse looked down at her feet, knowing it was his hurt and anger talking for him. Experience had taught her that.

Nick bent down and kissed Caitlin on the lips, gently. He pretended they weren’t in the hospital but they were at home, getting ready for bed. His lips lingered on hers for a moment. He was trying to put himself back to how they were only a few hours before but he couldn’t; there was no response for him to be able to do that. He took one last look at her and turned and walked away.

The nurse looked at his back, a heart aching with sympathy for him; knowing because of his celebrity status, he wouldn’t have chance to heal for a long time to come. She looked down at Caitlin and tears formed in her eyes.

“Sweetie, I know you can hear me, where ever you are but I don’t think you truly knew how much he loved you.” She whispered.

Nick stood outside the room, crying hard. He had slipped Caitlin’s engagement ring into his shorts pocket. He ran his hands through his hair. He could feel nurses and doctors staring intently at him, waiting to see what he would do next. He looked up at them; his eyes were red rimmed and slightly bloodshot. His short, but still slightly floppy hair was messy. Some of the nurses dropped their gazes, others met his gaze.

“Had a good look, have you? Never seen someone famous cry, is that it? Can’t wait to call the papers and tell them, can you?!” Nick shouted at the top of his lungs.

No one said anything. People stopped and stared some more but he didn’t care. He no longer cared about what people thought of him, what they said about him; he had lost the one person he had ever truly cared for and there was nothing in the world that could bring her back.

“Well, now you’ve seen it, someone famous crying over someone they love. Go on, have a good look, go and get your cameras if you want to!”

No one moved an inch.

Nick looked down the corridor and saw the doctor who had been looking after Caitlin. Their eyes met and it was another blow to Nick. He literally flew down the corridor and slammed the doctor up against the wall.

“You’re a fucking doctor! You were supposed to look after her! You were supposed make her better! She wasn’t supposed to fucking die!” Nick shouted at him.

Nick’s 6ft 2in frame intimidated the 5ft 8in doctor.

“She wanted to live and you just stood by and let me watch her die! She was going to be my wife; she was the mother of my child! And now I have nothing left and it’s all because of you!!”

Nick had forgotten he still had the daughter the two of them had made out of their love for each other but he wasn’t thinking straight.

“Mr. Carter, there was nothing…….” The doctor started, swallowing hard.

“Don’t give me that shit! You could have done something, anything to save her and you didn’t!” Nick slammed the doctor against the wall again, never letting him go for a second.

The doctor flinched.

“I’ll call security!” One of the nurses shouted.

“Don’t!” The doctor managed to say.

He knew what Nick was going through. He had been through it with his own wife. Although, the circumstances were slightly different. His wife had died of Leukaemia when she had been 26.

“I should just fucking kill you now! You let her die! You shouldn’t have let her die! You shouldn’t have let her die! We were gonna get married, have more children, watch them grow up, we were gonna grow old together and now I have nothing!! Nothing, did you hear me? NOTHING!”

Nick raised his arm, ready to throw a punch at the doctor but he felt someone grab him from behind.

“Nick! Don’t you dare. Let him go.” It was the smooth but yet firm voice of AJ. AJ had Nick’s arm in a tight grasp, as not to let it touch the doctor.

“Let him go, Nick. Let him go.”

Nick still didn’t lower his arm. AJ was finding it hard to hold his ‘younger brother’ back. He hadn’t realised how much strength Nick had in his body.

“He let her die, AJ!”

”Nick! Let him go now. It wasn’t his fault Caitlin died.”

“NO!” Nick shouted, like a child.

AJ was losing his grip on Nick and he knew he had to think fast. Then the idea hit him.

“What do you think Caitlin would say if she saw you acting like this, Nick? Do you think she would be impressed? I don’t. I think she would have gone mental. She would not have put up with this, not from you. Now either let him go, Nick or disrespect Caitlin.” AJ said.

He was using the only idea he could come up with and he hoped it would have an affect on Nick. AJ saw the look on Nick’s face change from anger to sad, lonely and depressed. Nick shoved the doctor against the wall once more and moved away, letting him go.

“That’s it, Nick. C’mon, come with me.” AJ said, still holding Nick’s arm.

AJ hated the patronising tone he was using with Nick but it was the only thing, which seemed to make him relent.

The doctor nodded at AJ and AJ escorted Nick out of the hospital.

“Get in my car. I’ll come and get yours in the morning.” AJ said.

Nick nodded weakly.

They got into AJ’s car; Nick in the passenger seat and AJ in the driver’s seat. AJ looked at Nick. He had never seen Nick look more lost or distressed. The car was silent.

”How did you find out?” Nick asked, looking blankly out of the window.

AJ looked at him, never dropping his gaze as they pulled up at a set of traffic lights.

“It’s all over MTV, Nick. Everyone knows what’s happened.”

Nick nodded, still refusing to look at AJ.

AJ reached over and turned Nick’s head towards him.

“Nick…….I’m so sorry.” He whispered.

Nick looked at AJ and he couldn’t hold it back anymore. A fresh flood of tears started to cascade down his once worry, stress and pain free face.

“It…looked…..it looked like….she was just sleeping. I expected……her to……wake…..up and…….laugh and then kiss me……but she….didn’t, Aje…….she didn’t.” Nick sobbed.

AJ reached over to him and pulled him into a brotherly hug.

“She looked just….like……Sleeping…..Beauty.” Nick added.

AJ felt tears prick his own eyes.

“We were…..gonna get….married……watch our baby grow up…….now all I have left of her…..is our baby……” He continued.

AJ breathed a sigh of relief. That was one thing MTV didn’t know; whether or not the baby had been okay. He guessed they had had to do a caesarean to save the baby.

“Shhhh, Nick. It’s okay. Everything will be fine. I promise. Me and the guys will be here for you all the way.” AJ said.

“I need her so much. What am I going to do without her, Aje? What am I going to do without her?” Nick asked, looking at AJ.

“You’ll be fine. I promise.” AJ whispered. “I don’t wanna go home, Aje, she’s not gonna be there. I can’t go home.”

“You don’t have to. I’ll take you back to mine.”

The rest of the journey was silent as AJ took Nick back to his house. He still couldn’t get his head around the events of the night. AJ looked at Nick out of the corner of his eye. His looked tired and almost as if he were going to go to sleep. Tears which AJ had been holding back started to flow freely; he had lost the girl he had always called his little sister; she had been his best friend in the world.

Nick cried even harder as he remembered that night in San Francisco General. It had been the hardest and most painful night of his life.

“I promised you I would look after you, Caitlin and now you’re dead. It should be me. You should be the one who is alive and well, living their life, not me. I’m sorry for not looking after you, Caitlin, I am. Really.” Nick whispered.

He knew she was listening to him. He knew it deep in his heart. He could feel her near him. Just like she said he would. He had said that at her funeral; everyone except AJ had looked at him like he was insane. AJ was the only one who understood.

“It was all over the papers and TV, Caitlin. It was the main headline; ‘Backstreet Boy’s heartbreaking tragedy’ was the main one. You hated being the news, didn’t you, Caitlin? You preferred to be behind the news, rather than be it. I’m sorry. The press even hounded you in your death. I won’t let them ever do it again. I promise.”

Nick stood at the side of, what would soon become, Caitlin’s grave. He was wearing his long black coat, a black suit with a white shirt underneath. The shirt slightly undone at the top; he wasn’t wearing a tie. Not because he was being disrespectful but because it was how Caitlin had always liked it when he wore a suit. To cover his sore, red, bloodshot eyes, Nick wore a pair of black sunglasses. He didn’t want anyone’s pity. He hadn’t done anything apart from grieve for Caitlin. The only thing he had done properly was look after their daughter. He had called her Katie Jane. It was what he and Caitlin had decided on when they were going through different names they liked. Everyone had been pessimistic over whether he would be capable of looking after another human being; his child. It had been AJ who had stood up and said he would be. AJ had a lot of faith in him. He had secretly helped Nick out when he had been at his lowest, talking sense into him, telling him that if he wasn’t careful, he was going to lose his daughter.

She was only two weeks old and was the spitting image of Nick, except for her eyes. She had eyes like Caitlin’s. A beautiful mix of green and blue. The pain tore through Nick’s heart when he saw them but it didn’t stop love washing over him for his baby daughter. He didn’t want his daughter at Caitlin’s funeral. It wouldn’t be right and she was far too young to understand what was happening. He wanted to do this alone. He didn’t want to have to worry whether or not his daughter was going to cry or need to be changed. He didn’t want her there, reminding him that she was all he had left of Caitlin. He had left her with one of BJ’s friends.

Slowly, people started to turn away from the grave after Caitlin had been lowered into it. Nick didn’t. He remained where he was; his heart was aching and crying out for Caitlin. It felt like there was a burning hot knife being plunged into it, over and over again. Nick hadn’t been back into the house he and Caitlin had lived in since that fateful night. He had left the house just as it had been that night, almost like an exhibition at a museum, never wanting to return to it and he had moved back to Florida. It was his hometown and Caitlin’s. It seemed only right she should be buried where she was born, rather than near where she had died. He wasn’t going to sell the house. He was simply going to let it stand and never change a single thing about it.

“I’m sorry, Caitlin.” Nick whispered to the grave as he threw a red and white rose into the open hole. The tears started to fall again and slid down his cheeks. He felt a hand on his shoulder: it was Brian.

“Let’s get you home, Nick.”

”I can’t leave her here, Brian. It’s not right. It’s too cold in a cemetery for her. She won’t be warm enough.” Nick said, not making much sense.

He was talking about her like she was still alive. Brian knew he would have to get Nick away quickly.

”It’s where she has to stay for now, Nick. You have to let her rest in peace.” Brian said.

“I can’t live this life without her.”

“She wouldn’t want you to think like that, Nick. You know she wouldn’t. One day the two of you will meet again and be back together again but until then, you just have to live with the memories you have of her. Caitlin loved life and she would have given hers if it meant it saved yours. Don’t spoil everything she lived for by giving up on life.” Brian said, soothingly.

Nick turned to Brian.

“I need her so bad and now she’s just gone and left me behind. Why didn’t I take her that night, Bri? I said I would but I let her talk me out of it. I should have been looking after her. It’s all my fault, isn’t it, Bri?”

Brian looked at his best friend and realised how much guilt and pain Nick held deep inside of him.

“Nick, Caitlin was a very independent woman. None of this is your fault. Caitlin would not want you to blame yourself for what has happened. Never would she want that. You have to let go of this guilt, Nick. You didn’t do anything wrong.” Brian said, soothingly.

Nick bowed his head.

“Really, Bri? Somehow, I don’t think you really understand. She gave me her heart, her soul and her trust. And I let her down. You’ll never understand how much that hurts unless it happens to you but I pray to God, it doesn’t. I wouldn’t wish this pain on my own worst enemy.”

Brian sighed. There was no point in doing this little talk at Caitlin’s grave side. Nick would never see the truth; the reality of what happened.

“C’mon, let’s go home. It’s for the best, Nick.” Brian said to him, knowing that going home was the best thing for him.

Nick allowed Brian to lead him away from the grave, not letting himself look back.

The rain had completely stopped. Nick’s hair was matted down on his head, he was soaked through to the skin and he still didn’t care. He had needed to do this. He had needed to spend sometime at Caitlin’s grave, on his own, without anyone watching over him, making sure he wasn’t about to embark on a suicide bid, just to be with her again. He had thought about suicide. One night when he had been on his own, he had picked up a sharp knife, ready to end it all there and then but he couldn’t do it. He didn’t have the nerve to just end his life. And he kept thinking of his daughter; Caitlin’s last words to him about looking after her. He had to be strong, if not for himself, then for his only child.

He had stopped crying. He didn’t have the strength to cry anymore. He had cried non-stop for the past six weeks, the memories of the funeral and the accident, that fateful night, still clear in his mind. It was hard to believe that all this had only happened over the past 6 weeks.

“You know, Caitlin, I even thought about the day you were supposed to give birth. We had looked forward to that so much. I even remember what you said to me. Do you? You said that if I stood the side of you, whilst you were in labour, saying it doesn’t hurt, you were gonna kick my ass, Charlie’s Angels style. You always made me laugh when you said stuff like that. “ Nick laughed a little bit at the memory.

He took a deep breath and started again.

I think you know why I’m here, don’t you, Caitlin? I’m here to tell you I’m sorry and I’ll always love you. You will always own my heart. No one else could ever take the place you have inside of me. But I’m here to try and let go. I can’t cry anymore, Caitlin. I don’t have the strength to do it anymore. I’ll come and visit you as much as I can. I promise. I won’t quit on life; I’ll live it for you. I’ll carry on touring with the guys, carry on releasing albums and singles, but every show I perform in, every song I sing, every album that is released, they’ll all be for you and Katie, our beautiful daughter. You’ll always be in my heart and my mind. I promise.” Nick whispered, his body tense with emotion.

He stood up, looking down at the grave. It was still impossible to believe his true love was in there. He blocked the thought from his mind and carried on.

“I had to do this on my own, Caitlin. I didn’t want the other guys escorting me here. I didn’t want them hearing what I’m saying, watching my every move. I wanted it to be just us. We’ll meet again one day, Caitlin. We’ll be together for eternity one day. I know that and I’m sure you know it too. I’m sorry I let you down and I’m sorry I broke my promise of looking after you, ‘cos I didn’t. If I had looked after you, you would be here.” Nick whispered, biting down on his lip.

He closed his eyes tightly. He had been there for 2 hours, just pouring out his heart to someone he could no longer see but someone he would love forever.

“I’m gonna go now, Caitlin. Our daughter’s sleeping in the car. I’ll look after her, don’t worry and she’ll know all about her beautiful Mom. I promise. I’ll tell her how much I loved you and how we were going to be together forever. I’ll tell her all that stuff. I know it’ll break her heart, as well as mine, when she realises her birthday is the day her Mom died but I’ll always tell her it wasn’t her fault. I’ll tell her you loved her from the moment you saw her; from the moment you realised you were going to have her. I love you, Caitlin Jane Thomas. I always have done and I always will do.” Nick said.

He kissed the tip of one of his clean fingers and then brushed it against the dirt.

“Goodnight, Caitlin.” He whispered. He turned away from the grave and walked back to his car, where his daughter was still sleeping, soundly. He smiled. He turned back to the grave; he could see it form where he was standing. It wasn’t too far away from the car.

“No one else comes close to you, Caitlin. No one ever will.” Nick whispered to the wind.

He walked around to the other side of the car, the December wind, blowing slightly and then dying away.

“December already.” Nick muttered to himself.

Nick looked up in the sky and he saw the most beautiful rainbow, something unusual for the cold, December month. He knew what it was or rather, who it was.

He smiled to himself, knowing that even though Caitlin wasn’t there in body, she was and always would be, with him in spirit. He opened the car door, got in and shut it quietly, as not to wake Katie. He sat in the seat for a moment, his window slightly open, for a clearer view of the rainbow. The wind had started to pick up again but then he heard the melodic voice of Caitlin. It was just a whisper but he heard it.

“I love you, Nick Carter, always.”

“I love you too, Caitlin, always.” He whispered back, knowing Caitlin really was going to be with him for an eternity.