Once in every life
There comes someone
Who opens the inner door
And speaks to your heart & soul
Who touches you so completely
So exquisitely
Their sweet passing
Changes your life.... forever
"Are you just gonna stand there or are you coming in?" Destiny asked a totally spaced out AJ, greeting him at her door. She had been standing there with the door open for at least 30 seconds and he hadn't moved, spoke, or even blinked.
"AJ, AJ!" she called his name, snapping her fingers in front of his face, finally bringing him back to Earth.
"Uh... yeah... um..." he stuttered.
"Are you okay?" she laughed.
"Uh... yeah. I'm fine. Just a lot on my mind," he answered, as he followed her into the house.
"Anything you want to talk about?" she asked as they sat on the huge overstuffed couch that was the centerpiece in her large living room.
"Your problems first," he shook his head. "And, then, if we have time, and you're still interested, we will talk about mine." He was genuinely touched by her concern, though it came as no surprise to him. From day one, she had been truly interested in listening to him when he needed to talk, and trying to help if she could. He felt he could talk to her about anything. She reached places in him that no one else could touch, not even Serena. And she had this uncanny way of knowing when he had a problem, even if he tried to hide it. It was as if she could see directly into his soul. He had never been able to talk openly to anyone about some of the things he had talked to her about. He had noticed a lot of changes in himself since meeting her, and that scared the hell out of him.
As she began to describe her recent problems with Nick, AJ's mind began to drift back to some of the conversations they had shared. He specifically remembered a time he had turned to her for answers on what to do to improve his relationship with Serena. Actually, he had known deep down all along what the problem was. He just didn't want to admit it. But, Destiny held nothing back. She told him exactly how she saw it. That was one of the things he'd come to appreciate about her. He had asked what he was doing wrong in the relationship, what he could do to make things better. He had admitted to her mistakes he'd made and things he felt he could've done differently. Things he never would've admitted to anyone else. But, instead of telling him what he ws doing wrong, Destiny had told him what a wonderful man she thought he was and how she felt maybe Serena was to blame for a lot of their problems. AJ had just assumed it was something he had done, or hadn't done, that was causing the problems. She gave him something to think about there. After a while of considering it, he began to wonder if, indeed, she was right. If it had been Serena all along who was causing the problems, though she'd never admit it.
"AJ? Are you listening to me?" Destiny asked. Focusing back in on the conversation at hand, he smiled.
"I'm listening."
"Really? What did I say, then?" she asked, putting him on the spot.
"Um.... uh," he started.
"You have no idea, do you?"
"Yes I do!"
"No you don't. What did I say, then? Tell me."
"You were telling me how Carter has gone off the deep end."
"You WERE listening," she smiled.
"Told you so."
"Well, he HAS lost it. He sees this girl everywhere. Or he says he does," she continued.
"So, you don't believe him?"
"Oh, I believe he THINKS he sees her. I'm not positive that he actually has. I've never seen her. Everytime he tries to show me where she is, she has suddenly vanished. It's just strange...."
In that one brief moment
That one person reminds you
Everything you have hoped for can be realized
Everything you have dreamed of can come true
Everything you have waited for
Is now waiting for you
Destiny's voice trailed off as, once again, AJ's mind was filled with a previous conversation they'd had. In this conversation, again, he had sought answers to repair his ailing relationship with his fiancee. And, again, Destiny had given him positive reinforcement instead of telling him what he was doing wrong. He could still hear her words so clearly in his mind.
"AJ, I don't understand why you continue to put up with the things she does. You could have so much more, all you've ever dreamed of. Why you choose to settle for less than you deserve is beyond me. You deserve happiness, the love and woman of your dreams. And, you can have it. All you have to do is take the chance to find her."
Take the chance. That's what had frightened him most. What if he broke things off with Serena only to be alone for the rest of his life? What if he never found this so called woman of his dreams? What if the love he had always dreamed of didn't exist? What if this life with Serena was as good as it gets? If he took the chance to find out, and found nothing, not only would he lose Serena, he would be totally alone with no one. He'd rather be miserable with someone than happy alone. He was too afraid to take the chance and risk losing what little he had.
"Well, what do you think?" Destiny asked, jarring him from his thoughts.
"Uh, well, let's see," he said, trying to come up with an answer that wouldn't let her know he had drifted off into his own little world again. If she realized just how distracted he was, she would want to know why, and he couldn't tell her, not yet. But, he wouldn't be able to hide it from her either, she would see, as she always did. "I guess the main question is, what do you think? Do you believe in Nick? Do you think he is interested in this girl for more than the baby, IF she even exists? Or do you think it's the baby that is driving him to search?"
"I'm not sure, AJ. I'm really not. I'd like to hope he isn't interested in her like that. I'd like to hope it's just the baby. I just can't say for sure. And I don't know how to find out."
"Ask him," he suggested.
"Ask him?? Do you really think he'd tell me?"
"I think he would. Carter may be a little strange sometimes and sometimes he may seem like he isn't all there. But, one thing he isn't is a liar. He'd be honest with you."
"I don't know. What if I ask him and I hear something I don't want to? Then what?" she asked, her voice clearly showing her fear.
The purpose of their coming
And touching you so deeply
Was not that you change them
Or they change you
But that you remember
The gift that is you
And the love you have to share
Fear. That was one emotion, AJ knew very well. It was the very thing holding him back. Holding him back from taking the chances he had to take to search for these dreams of his. Holding him back from giving up what he had to try to make a better life for himself. Holding him back from telling her exactly how he felt. Fear. Through his mind played part of another conversation. Words that had renewed his faith in himself when he had been at his lowest, ready to give up. Words that had touched his heart in ways that he was just now beginning to realize.
"You are the kindest, warmest man I've ever met. You have so many wonderful characteristics that any woman should consider herself lucky to have you. You are truly special, and if Serena doesn't see or understand that, then she doesn't deserve you."
Destiny's words had given him back his faith in himself as a person, and as a man. They'd made him believe he just might accomplish his goals and reach his dreams. They had empowered in a way, enabling him to gain the courage and strength he would need, if he were to go for these dreams, if he were to start over on a search for happiness.
"So, you really think I should ask him about it?" Destiny asked, her soft voice filling his ears just as it had in those dreams he'd had.
Shaking his head to clear that image, the last thing he needed right now, he answered.
"Yeah. I think you should. I mean, if you want to. If you think the relationship with him is worth it. If you really want to be with him, then I think you have no choice."
Destiny sat silent for a moment, considering what he'd said. She wasn't sure she could deal with all she would have to deal with to make this thing with Nick work.
AJ tried to read her thoughts as he watched her face while she contemplated the idea. Something inside of him hoped she opted to just give up. That would make things a lot easier on him. Then, maybe, he'd have the courage to tell her what was in his heart. But, at the same time, he wanted her to be happy. If she wanted to be with Nick, and truly loved him, then she needed to try to work this out with him. AJ held his breath waiting for her to answer.
"I don't know. I'm not sure I can do it," she admitted.
AJ felt the butterflies in his stomach fluttering as she answered. She didn't say she was completely giving up on Nick, but she didn't say she was going to work on it either. What the hell kind of answer is that? he was screaming inside. Should I take this chance to tell her how I feel? Or should I wait?
Once in every life
There comes someone so special
Who gives you the gift of your freedom
And the courage to reach for who you are
In the awkward silence, AJ realized that he did, indeed, have the courage to tell her. Courage she had given him. Freedom she had given him. The power he felt was overwhelming. He realized just how much of himself he had lost over the past couple of years. He needed to get back to that.... back to the happiness he once knew. And he had to find a way to grab the happiness that was now right here in front of him.
"AJ, are you sure you're ok? Do you want to talk about something?" she asked. "You seem as though you're a million miles away. Can I help you with something?"
He nervously cleared his throat, intent on trying to get the words out to tell her what was on his mind.
"Uh, yeah. There is something I'd like to talk to you about," he answered, pausing to take a deep breath.
"Ok," she answered, looking at him strangely, wondering what he was all of a sudden so serious about.
"It's like this," he started. "I, uh... um....," Before he could finish his sentence, the doorbell rang.
"Hold that thought," she said, getting up to answer the door.
AJ couldn't see who it was from where he was sitting. But, he could hear the voices.
"Hey. Ready to go?"
"Yeah. Come on in a minute. I was just talking to AJ."
"Hey, man. What's up?" Kevin asked as he came into the living room, sitting in the chair opposite AJ.
"Um, nothing. Nothing's up."
"Ok," Kevin laughed. "Just asking. Um, Des and I are gonna catch a movie. You wanna come along?"
Feeling his heart sink to his stomach, AJ slowly shook his head.
"No, thanks man. Maybe next time."
"Yeah, man. Maybe next time," Kevin replied as AJ stood. "Hey, I'd like to talk to you about what happened over at Howie's whenever you have time."
"I've gotta get going right now, but we can talk later. Tell Destiny I said bye and I'll catch her later," he said.
"Sure thing. See you later."
AJ walked out the door, feeling as though he had just lost his only chance for happiness. I should've just came out and told her when I came in like I'd planned, he thought. NO! I came here as a friend to her. I did what I had to do! he reasoned. But, did he? Should he have told her? That question continued to bounce through his mind over and over and over....