The laptop sat on the table, with a picture slide show screen saver running, and papers stacked all over the table. It was very quiet in the house and I could no longer look at the computer screen. Exhaustion took over me and I had laid my head down on my arm and fell asleep. An hour later, it was the same, only I was suddenly awakened by a knock on the front door. Lifting my head, and running my hands over my face, I wondered who in the world could it be. I looked like shit. My hair was thrown up askew, my sweatshirt was hanging off my shoulder and I was wearing a pair of yoga pants; but I didn't care. I slowly walked over to the door and opened it. As he came into view, I almost fell over. I couldn't believe he was standing there. It had been months, since I'd seen him. It made me wonder why he was here.

"Nick... "

"Hey, Natalie... Can we talk?" I ask nervously

"Yeah, umm, sure... Come on in." I say solemnly

"Look, I'm not gonna stay long. I can imagine I'm the last person you want to see right now. But, before we go our own way, there's something that I need to tell you"

Just seeing him and having him in front of me was overwhelming.I ached with the need to embrace him, kiss him and having his arms around me, holding me. I missed him so much. My emotions were suddenly at the forefront but then they quickly changed as my mind took control and the anger took over.

"Actually, quite the opposite. But then again, how would you know? You never talk to me.. And now you wanna talk… let me guess.. you’re seeing someone else?"

I look at her. "No, I'm not" I say quietly

Girl when I look at you
You look through me
Like I'm not even there
I try not to give up, to be strong, but
I'm afraid to say I'm scared
I can't find the place
Your heart is hiding
I'm no quitter, but I'm tired of fighting

I was actually waiting for a confession, only I got the total opposite. " Should I even believe you? It's pretty clear to me that, that's what's occupying your time. Because clearly, it definitely isn't me"

"That's where you're wrong. You were occupying my time... Even though we weren't together, I was thinking of you"

I didn’t really believe that. He was giving me, yet another excuse. Getting up, I turn to him, raising my voice just a little in frustration.

"Thinking of me? How, by ignoring me? You have been cold and stand-offish. At first, I thought you were having a few bad days, but then I figured it had to be more than that. You wanted nothing to do with me.“ taking a breath. “ Nick, I called and left you dozens of messages; which you never returned. I waited for you when we had plans, several times, and you never showed. You also tried to control me. I am not like the other girls you've been with. I never will be and you can't keep trying to make me. " trying to keep my emotions from escaping.

"I know you're not like other girls. Please, believe me, I wasn't trying to control you. I thought that if I acted like a bastard, then...then you'd soon tire of it and end things... But, it was never that simple... I loved being with you so much, but I was so confused about how I felt. I hated hurting you, but I thought that if you hated me, it would make it easier. Even when I found out about what happened with you and Brian, I didn't stop thinking about you. It...it's...all my fault. If I'm mad at anyone, it's myself, for letting this happen. I understand why you went to him, but it should have been me; my arms holding you"

Baby I love you
Don't want to lose you
Don't make me let you go
Took such a long time
For me to find you
Don't make me let you go
Baby I'm begging please
And I'm down here on my knees
I don't want to have to set you free
Don't make me

As I took in every thing he said, I couldn't stop the tears that had sprang to my eyes. I didn't know what to think, what to feel. How did he really feel about me? Or was this another play that I was playing into.

“It was a big mistake.. All of it. I hate myself for it and there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do to go back and erase it..” pausing for a minute and then the feeling of anger and despair creeped back in.

“You.. you made me think that we were over. You certainly acted like it. Did you ever consider what MY feelings were? No, I don’t think you have. Because if you had…” pausing "Do, they not count, is that it?....I .. I wanted you to be there… I wanted you to hold me.. so badly. You left me hanging on a limb, clinging for life.. not knowing what was happening to us. I kept questioning what I did wrong for you to hate me that much. I was scared, and I felt so.. alone. I..I.. just needed someone to talk to and to catch me and reassure me that things.. things were going to be okay. I needed to know that you still wanted me, that.. you still cared….. " pausing. "You said that you were confused about how you felt. Why couldn’t you have just told me? I would have understood. I would have given you whatever you needed… Time… space… but you didn’t give me the chance. ” Sighing and taking in a breath, “Nick.. how.. how do you feel about me?”

"Will it make anything better?"

"I don't know... Just answer the question, ok?" I say in a quiet nervous voice

"You're the most important person in my life"

I closed my eyes and tried to let his words sink in. His answer left more to be desired. I didn't know what to really make of it. It didn't exactly tell me what I needed to know. But, at least he still cared.

"Umm, ok... Then, why don't you start acting like it?"

"Because it's too late. Despite understanding why things happened with Brian, it doesn't change the fact that it happened. My feelings towards you haven't changed, but a relationship must be built on trust and we lack that"

“We had trust… at least I thought we did, until you seemingly threw it all away… I.. I trusted you ,, I trusted you not to hurt me..”" I just wish things were different. I wish you would have told me how you were feeling but instead you pushed me away and acted as though I didn’t exist. Do you realize how much that hurt me? As for the rest.. I never meant for any of it to happen and I never meant to hurt you either. I'm so sorry, Nick. " I say quietly with my eyes filled with tears. Knowing that I was about to cry and not wanting him to see me fall apart, I got up and closed my eyes for a moment, before walking towards the door..

"I'm sorry too..." I wanted to hold her in my arms but I knew it would make things worse. "I...I should go"

Baby I love you
Don't want to lose you
Don't make me let you go

Slowly, I nodded my head. I stopped him right before he walked out my door. Putting my hand on his cheek, I bring my eyes up to his one last time.

" Nick… I lo…” breaking off, quickly taking it back, wanting him to know but also knowing that it wouldn’t change anything. “Maybe, someday things will work out between us. Take care of yourself, ok?" with a forced smile"

"Yeah, you too" I kiss her lightly on the forehead and leave.

As he turned to leave, I slowly shut the door and slid to the floor, letting the tears finally fall.