The rain was coming down in sheets, as it hit the window. The atmosphere in the house almost mimicked what it looked like on the outside: gloomy. I was alone in the house, just sitting on the window seat, thinking and staring out into the ocean of raindrops. So many things were weighing on my mind and I was at a loss as to what to do about them. I grabbed my journal and just wrote. Work was work, and that was in and of itself stressful. The main thing that was really bothering me was the state of Nick and I’s relationship. Something was definitely going on with him. For the past several months, he hasn’t been himself. One time, I see him and he’s his normal self: fun, spontaneous and romantic, and the next he’s avoiding me. Then, when I do see or talk to him, he’s in an awful mood. It doesn’t seem like it’s just another “bad” day anymore either. Especially, not after that day at the stadium. He hasn’t seen or talked to me since. He's downgrading me and talking to me like I’m a child. Then, at everything I suggest or try to do, he lashes out at me. He even shrinks away when I touch him.

I’ve been doing this my way, your way, our way
I can’t make it work when all I have is not enough
I’ve been doing all I can, my plan, your plan
And all I get is hurt, this game we’re playing has to stop

Am I doing something wrong in this relationship, that he has to be like that? I answered my own question. I wasn’t doing anything wrong at all. It was all him and if he wanted to be like that, maybe it’s better that he stays away. I don’t deserve to be treated like that. But, despite everything, I missed him so much.

I got you stunk in my head and all you do is breaking me
I can’t continue taking this
I tired my best to understand but I can not make sense of you
I gotta take a stand now, baby

I sigh, and reach over and grab the pillow that was laying on the other side of the bench. I hug it close to me and just close my eyes and breathe in and out slowly. I think back to when things were great between us. It brings a soft smile to my face. It was like I was on cloud nine, every time I was with him. It was fun, exciting, spontaneous and romantic. With him, there was never a dull moment. Although I have been keeping myself guarded from the every beginning, somehow, he got through to me. I don’t know how, but he did. I, had fallen in love with him, even when I promised myself I wouldn’t. Admitting it to myself, only made me more afraid as to whether or not Nick felt the same. With the way that he was acting, it was more or less, a negative. I couldn’t tell him and face the embarrassment and hurt. I had been hurt too many times before. The best thing for me to do was to keep my feelings hidden.

I don’t wanna waste another day
I don’t wanna live my like this way
I’m tired, I just wanna lie back down…
I don’t wanna waste another night
I don’t wanna keep chasing lights

I am so confused. I’m so afraid to fall in love with anyone because I’m so scared of getting hurt. I don’t want to be made a fool, yet again. I silently prayed that he wouldn’t end up breaking my heart. I want this to last, I want this to be the one that I would never forget. But, will it be that way? As I looked up, a tear started to roll down my cheek. I quickly wiped it away.

I believed all that you said
I never questioned, analyzed, I never opened up my eyes
I know your words got me misled
But I am standing, I’m alive, I never had you on my side

I wish I had someone to talk to. Charlie, hasn’t been around very much. When she is, she holds up in her room and doesn't come out. Something is going on with her too, and she won’t talk to me about it. I’ve tried to get her to talk to me but it hasn’t worked. We have been best friends since we were little kids, we could always tell each other everything.

I don’t wanna waste another day
I don’t wanna live my like this way
I’m tired, I just wanna lie back down…
I don’t wanna waste another night
I don’t wanna keep chasing lights

Oh, maybe things will get better soon. I have to believe that.