He broke my heart today
Something inside said
I never believed it could happen to me
I miss you so much
And I got the heart to forgive this
To think that I could ever fight the system
I never believed it could happen to me
I thought I was strong (I thought I was strong)
I can't believe that it happened to me
(only shit like this would happen to me)
I guess I'm just a dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb girl
Happy 21st birthday to me, I thought sarcastically throwing my pillow over my head. That damn song was right... I was nothing but a dumb girl. Honestly I should've figured it out earlier. I was dating Nick fucking Carter. I wasn't a supermodel, wasn't anybody famous, just a normal girl. Not the type to keep him occupied for long. Why I assumed that we'd be together forever was beyond me...
As soon as I got home last night, the first thing I did was turn off my cell and answering machine, and take my regular phone off the hook. I knew that I'd have everyone I knew calling to ask me how it went with Nick, and I didn't have the guts or the strength to tell anyone what had happened. I didn't put my phone back on the hook until I was about to go to bed and sure that nobody would be calling.
Of course I'd barely opened my eyes when I heard the phone ring. With a sigh I realized that I couldn't hide forever and I better pick up the phone before anyone started to get really worried. "Hello," I answered as best as I could, hoping that the person on the other end wouldn't give me too much of an interrogation.
"Where have you been?" AJ's voice asked me on the other end. "I've been trying to get a hold of you practically all of last night!"
"I took my phone off the hook," I answered honestly. "I presume that you heard my joyous news huh?"
"I haven't heard anything," he tried to tell me, but I could immediately tell he was lying.
"Get off it AJ! You're the biggest gossip I know. You know damn well what happened last night."
"Okay I'll admit it. Nick told me the whole story last night. I just wanted to know if you wanted to you know ... talk or something?" he admitted.
"I don't want to get into it AJ. We're through. It's over and done with. He made his choice and obviously he'll be much happier with Katie," I told him.
"Fine I'll drop it. You know I didn't just call to find out what happened last night I-"
"Yeah, AJ I'm sure," I interrupted rolling my eyes.
"I called to wish somebody a happy birthday, but they don't seem to sound very happy," he continued on, ignoring my comment.
"Well, gee I didn't know that having your boyfriend dump you the day before your birthday for some perfect looking Barbie Doll was supposed to make a person all cheerful and perky," I snapped at him sarcastically.
AJ sighed and decided to try to change the subject. "So, what time am I stopping by to pick you up to get your tattoo done?" he asked.
"You're not," I answered simply. "I really don't feel like getting a tattoo right about now."
"Don't tell me you're chickening out?" he whined.
"Call it whatever you want. Point is I'm not going."
AJ sighed again. "Well, at least let me take you out for lunch then."
"I'm not feeling very hungry AJ," I insisted. "I think I'm just going to stay in bed all day."
"What about your party?" he asked.
I just shrugged. "Have it without me. I doubt I'll be much fun to be around anyway."
"How are we supposed to have a birthday party without the birthday girl?"
"AJ, I'm sure you don't need me there. You'll find any excuse to have a party," I pointed out.
"You can't hide from him forever you know," he told me after a long pause.
"What are you talking about?" I asked him, confused by his sudden change of topic.
"Nick," he answered like I was stupid or something. "I know the only reason that you don't want to go tonight is because he'll be there."
"Whatever AJ," I said rolling my eyes. "Personally I think that's bullshit. I doubt he'd have the nerve to show up anyway after last night."
"Well, when I talked to him this morning he said he was coming," AJ corrected me. "Even though you guys may not be dating anymore, he still considers you a friend."
"Lovely," I replied sarcastically. "I suppose he's going to bring that ho of his huh? You know, to rub it in my face."
"I already told him that Katie was not invited before he even asked. He didn't argue. What makes you so sure that they are a couple now anyway?"
"Gee, she traveled all the way from Sweden to 'visit' him when she damn well knew that he was involved with me. Somehow I get the feeling that maybe it was more than just a one night stand. Maybe he was just waiting for the right opportunity to dump me, so that they could be together."
AJ sighed yet again. "Look, I'm not going to choose sides in this because both you and Nick are good friends of mine. All I'm saying is that maybe you and Nick really need to talk this out instead of you accusing him of things that you have no proof of."
"Oh, so now you're saying that I'm the bitch here because I won't listen to the whole story? He cheated on me AJ! I don't owe him anything. What's to prove? He slept with her; end of story," I angrily replied. I couldn't understand why AJ was trying to defend Nick. Men! Who needed them?
"All right, all right! Just chill out. It was only a suggestion. God, I think you need a drink," he said, trying to calm me down.
"Oh that's right," I cynically laughed. "I'm 21 today. Now I can wallow away all my problems in alcohol and do it legally."
"Uhh... that's not exactly what I meant Mel," he tried to tell me.
"Whatever AJ. I'm not in the mood to talk anymore so please don't call again and just let me be," I begged him before slamming the phone down in disgust.
Naturally, the phone started to ring again right away. I just pulled the covers over my head and prayed for the ringing to stop. AJ was persistent though, so finally I had no choice but to take the phone off the hook.
I can't live like this, I thought to myself. Hiding out from all my friends, doing my best to ignore their nosy questions... It was getting to be harder than I'd imagined. And it was all Nick's fault. If he hadn't cheated on me than life would be normal and I wouldn't have to worry about avoiding my friends, knowing that I might run into him at any given moment and that it would just be too painful.
Despite what I told AJ about staying in bed all day, I did need to take a shower, so somehow I managed to drag my ass out of bed and into the bathroom. The shower did make me feel a little bit better. It certainly put me in a better mood, at least until I stepped out of it. Stepping out of the shower was like stepping back into reality, something that I really didn't want to face.
I caught sight of my reflection on the mirror on the back of the bathroom door. Why the fuck did I decide to put a mirror there? So that every time I stepped out of the shower I'd be forced to look at myself in disgust? No wonder Nick had gave up on me! I was a mess. At that moment I could see every little imperfection of my body clearly. Most girls would probably kill for my figure, but at that moment all I saw were the bad things. Were my hips to big? Were my legs too fat? Where the hell did I get stretch marks from?
Finally I couldn't stand to look at myself any longer. With angry tears of frustration burning my eyelids, I picked up a bottle of shampoo and hurled it at the mirror with all my might. I couldn't help but look stunned as I heard the satisfying crack and watched the mirror break apart with tiny shards of glass raining down onto the floor. I realized that my heart was pounding with adrenaline and I was struggling to catch my breath. It actually scared me to see just how worked up I had gotten. It was like I had just snapped in that one moment. All the pent up anger and frustration over not just my dissatisfaction with myself, but everything that had happened between Nick and I since he came back from Europe just seemed to explode. I was always such a calm, rational person. I never let my anger show no matter what.
I surveyed the mess in front of me and realized that I was shaking. Why was I doing this? I was just thoroughly confused. Everything was starting to become too much pressure. It's hard enough trying to juggle my college courses and trying to open up a business at the same time, but add all that up with the whole situation with Nick and it's a lot of stress. I'm not even going to go into my family issues because I've been trying to separate myself from them, but to make a long story short they made my life even more unpleasant.
I wonder what everyone would think if I were to die? Would they even care? The thought crossed my mind for a split second. I had never been the suicidal type, but for once in my life the offer sounded so very tempting. Yea, Izzy would be upset and probably AJ too, but I wondered if Nick would feel any remorse. He'd probably be glad that I was out of the picture and he could devote all his time to Katie, I thought bitterly. Yet at the same time I wondered if maybe if I were to die it would teach Nick a lesson. Maybe he'd actually feel guilty because he'd know that he had something to do with it. It would be the perfect type of revenge. The type that I knew would torture him for the rest of his life.
And everybody else? I could not think of one other person that would miss me. Maybe my older sister Erika, but God even knew where she was. She'd ran off with her boyfriend to California or something two years ago and I hadn't heard from her since. My parents had practically disowned me as it was. They'd wanted me to stay with them in New York and attend college close to home, but I just couldn't. I had to get away. So when I left for Florida we had a huge fight. They accused me of being just like my sister. (They refused to even say her name anymore.) We still talked every once in a while, but it was more like out of politeness. I hadn't even mentioned that I was dating Nick to them and thank God as far as I knew they were still clueless. I did not want to have to listen to their tirade of endless questions on our relationship. Still, I knew that one day, they would find out. Well, maybe now I wouldn't have to worry about that.
Pulling on my robe, I carefully stepped around the shards of glass on the floor and opened up the medicine cabinet. The aspirin bottle seemed to almost be calling for me. I grabbed it from the shelf and stepped over the sharp glass into the hallway and back into my bedroom. Once there I sat on my bed and read the label: NOT TO EXCEED 8 CAPSULES IN 24 HOURS. Ha! I thought as I poured a small handful into the palm of my hand. How much would it take to overdose I wondered? Maybe I should like start off with 10 and see what happens? I really didn't have a clue what I was doing. I carefully counted out 10 pills and then counted them a second time just to be sure. I even considered counting them a third, but then I realized what I was doing. I was stalling. Taking a deep breath I dropped the first pill into my mouth.
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After our phone conversation AJ had become increasingly worried about me and since I refused to pick up the phone he became even more worried. Call it intuition or just a really bad feeling, but he became so worried about me that he hopped right into his car and raced over to my apartment. I of course was so absorbed in my own thoughts that I was totally oblivious to the outside world.
That was why after about 5 minutes of pounding on the front door and ringing my doorbell his concern for me doubled. He was never one to just barge into somebody else's home, but this was important. Thankfully enough I had left the door unlocked and it swung open easily for him.
"Melissa?" he called as he entered the living room. "Melissa? Mel?" he continued to call as he walked up the hallway, passing the open bathroom door on his way. The first thing he noticed was the broken mirror and the pile of glass in front of it. His heart began to pound. This couldn't be good.
He stared ahead at the closed bedroom door in front of him and realized that there was only one place that I could be. He hoped he wasn't too late.
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I was slowly popping one pill into my mouth at a time. I don't know why I was going so slowly. Maybe because I was starting to feel unsure if this was the right thing to do.
Like I said before. I was oblivious to everything else around me. I felt like I was in a trance or something. That's why I was quite confused at first when AJ burst into the room screaming at me and tearing the pills out of my hand.
"God dammit Melissa! What would ever possess you to do something like this?" he cried as he grabbed my shoulders and shook them. "Do you realize how fucking worried I was about you? How many of those did you take?"
"I'm sorry AJ," I apologized. "Please stop. You're hurting me!"
"How many did you take Melissa? This is important!" he pleaded with me.
"Only like four or five," I confessed. It was the truth. I'd counted each one carefully before placing it into my mouth. Each pill symbolizing one step closer to happiness.
"Go into the bathroom right now and make yourself throw up," AJ ordered me. "Quick!"
"I can't AJ! I hate to throw up! I can't make myself do it!" I tried to tell him.
"Stick your fingers down your throat. It's not hard," he advised as he dragged me into the bathroom. "It's for your own good! Do you REALLY want to die?"
I shook my head as tears stung my eyes. Now I was beginning to realize just how fucking stupid I was. God ... what had I almost done?
Kneeling in front of the toilet seat I stuck my finger down my throat until I gagged. After I was done throwing up I picked my head up, my chest still heaving and tears flowing down my cheeks.
"Now do you want to explain to me what just happened?" AJ asked me, with still a trace of anger in his voice.
"What's there to tell?" I asked. "It was pretty cut and dry what I was going to do."
"Look, just because Nick dumped you it's no excuse for you to kill yourself. There are-"
"It's not just about Nick!" I cried out interrupting him. "There are a lot of other things going on in my life right now than just Nick."
"Then let's talk about them. I'm willing to listen," he insisted.
I sighed. "I don't feel like getting into everything right now. Maybe another time."
"Get dressed. I'm taking you to the hospital," he told me in an authoritative tone of voice.
"The hospital? Why?" I asked him.
"To get you checked out. To make sure that you're all right. Just because I made you throw up doesn't mean all that crap came up."
"No AJ! Please!" I begged him. "I refuse to go to the hospital!"
"Why?" he asked.
"Because first off I don't think a hospital room is an ideal place to spend my 21st birthday. Besides they'll just want to keep me there and make me go see a shrink and all that crap. I don't want anyone to know about this AJ," I told him seriously.
"Mel you need help. This isn't normal behavior," he insisted.
"I swear to you AJ that this is the first time that I ever tried something like this. I think I learned my lesson here and I don't want to go through the embarrassment of everyone finding out and acting all sympathetic and concerned. I don't want to have to hear about poor little Mel, who went psycho after her boyfriend dumped her for another woman."
AJ sighed. "What if you didn't throw everything up?"
"I swear AJ that if I start feeling bad I'll let you know and you can take me to the doctor's okay?" I promised.
"Fine," he said with a sigh. "Would you at least explain what happened to the mirror over there?"
I grinned. "We had a little disagreement and well, I won," I explained with a laugh.
AJ just looked at me a little strangely. "Why don't you go and get dressed and I'll clean up this mess."
"Okay," I agreed as I stood up.
"Wait. Melissa, before you go I want to apologize."
"For what?" I asked.
"For being such an ass. I know I was hard on you back there, but if anything happened to you it would really fuck me up."
"It's okay AJ. I understand. I'm sorry too. I handled that really immaturely by thinking that death was a way out."
"It's all right. Your secret is safe with me. I won't tell a soul what went on today okay?"
"Thank you," I told him. "So, you still up to taking me out for that tattoo?"
"Of course," he answered with a grin and I knew that everything was cool with us again.
I don't know what to say
I can't feel a thing at all
I did not see it comin'
Now you're just a man that got away
I look at the ground
And give the sky the middle finger
"Here's a day you should remember
So mark it on a wall"
Something like this only happens to dumb girls
Taking themselves too seriously
I was so damn smart
I was the one girl
Who never believed it could happen to me
Something like this only happens to somebody else
Can't stand it
You bring out the blonde in me
'Cause I'm still hanging on
Even though you done me wrong.
But I'd never let you know.
What kind of girl would put herself
In that postition?
yeah
And I got fooled again
Something like this only happens to dumb girls
Taking themselves too seriously
I was so damn smart
I was the one girl
Who never believed it could happen to me
Something like this only happens to somebody else
But I was just dreamin'
I can't believe it (can't believe it)
That nothing was wrong (nothing was wrong)
I thought I knew what was goin' on
But love was deceiving me (love was deceiving me)
Now I'm just a dumb girl
yeah
A dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb girl
That's what I am
yeah, yeah
Something like this only happens to dumb girls
Taking themselves too seriously
I was so damn smart, yeah
I was the one girl
Who never believed it could happen to me
Something like this only happens to somebody else
Can't believe this shit could happen to me
yeah, yeah
'Cause something like this only happens to
somebody else
That's what I am
Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb girl