Let me let you in on a little secret, I know this may sound shocking to you, but sometimes I hate being Nick Carter's girlfriend. Not that there's anything really wrong with our relationship. We have our fights, our ups and our downs, as does any relationship. The part that I hate is the fans. Well... OK I guess that came out just a little bitchy. Let me rephrase that. I hate constantly being out on display for fans to judge and belittle me. That's better... You see, with most fans I find that I have NO problem whatsoever with, but there is that select group that can be just downright cruel.

In the seven months that I'd been dating Nick I learned a lot about fans. I personally classify the fans into three main groups: Type A, B, and C.

Type A are your teenies. Mostly ranging from 12-14 but I have met some older than this, in fact, a lot older, they're still at the age where they are convinced that they can actually marry a Backstreet Boy. I guess I shouldn't really talk because when I was that age I myself thought that I was gonna marry Leonardo Di Caprio but lets not go there. Anyway these fans are VERY protective of their men. You say something bad about any of them and watch out! They also aren't that fond of us girlfriends because we're in the way of fulfilling their dreams. Despite all this they're pretty harmless. Too young to be much of a threat.

Type B are your true blue Backstreet fans. The type I LOVE. They don't judge anything that the guys do and respect their significant others. Quite a few have approached me and asked ME for my autograph or to compliment me and its a great feeling. Unfortunately there aren't many of those out there (at least I don't get the pleasure of meeting any of them as much)

Then there's Type C, and those are the worst type. Unfortunately being Nick's girlfriend I find that I encounter more of these types than the others, and I don't know why. Maybe its because he's the "popular" one. Anyway these are the types that are just downright scary. I see them at every concert and appearance, dressed in their most revealing clothes prepared to do whatever it may take to spend some time with one of the guys. They aren't like the teenies who just want a chance to touch their hand or something. These girls want much more. It's disgusting having to sit there and watch them flirting with Nick in a desperate attempt to try to lure him off to bed with them or something. The worst part is I can't even do anything about it. If I say something, I'll get the reputation of being a jealous bitch, but if I stay quiet they take the chance to walk all over me. And I let them.

Somewhere along the way
I think I gave you to the power to make me feel
The way I thought only my father could

Even now as I rush through the airport furiously trying to remember what gate Nick said his flight would be arriving on I can feel their eyes on me, following my every move. Naturally, I had overslept this morning and Melanie had left for the airport without me. At least if she were with me it wouldn't be SO bad. I'd have someone on my side. I suddenly wished that Izzy was with me but she had backed out at the last minute to go meet her boyfriend Ashley's parents. So here I was all alone. Me and them.

Self consciously I tugged at the hem of the red halter sundress I had on wondering if it was too short. Not that my outfit was horribly revealing (some of those fans critically eyeing my outfit had on outfits that covered a lot less) but for some strange reason some of the fans think that I should be wearing turtleneck sweaters and long pants and skirts all the time. If I dare wear anything the slightest bit sexy ... well lets just say I hear about it for about a month afterwards. But I wanted to look good for Nick. We hadn't seen each other in almost five months. He'd left for BSB's European tour back in mid February and it was now June.

See, I guess you could say that we have a very unique relationship. I met Nick through my best friend Isabelle Richardson back in October. Izzy just transferred to my college this past year and we kind of hit it off. She confided to me that her parents had gotten divorced a few years back and she had been living with her mother in Montreal for most of her life but after her Mom got remarried she moved in with her dad in Kentucky. Izzy and her Dad didn't have the best relationship though so when her cousin Kevin Richardson (yes of the Backstreet Boys) extended an invitation for her to come stay with him in Orlando, she jumped at the chance. Izzy planned a career in public relations and what better experience could she have then living with somebody famous? Anyway once Iz and I got to talking she decided that I was perfect for her friend Nick. See, she used to spend summers touring with Kevin in the early days when she and Nick were around thirteen and being the two "babies" of the tour they got to be friends. So, she dragged me to this Halloween party that JIVE was having and next thing I know, I'm being hooked up with Nick Carter. Pretty cool story huh?

We dated up until the middle of February, when it came time for him to leave for Europe. It was a pretty hard time because although we had grown close in the few months we'd been together I didn't think that I was at the point where I felt comfortable touring with him even though he did ask me. Besides, going on tour with him would mean taking a semester off of school and having to adjust to his hectic schedule and it just wasn't something that I was prepared to do. It's not like I'd be totally lonely cuz Izzy was sitting this tour out as well to spend more time with Ashley (even though she'd never admit it) I was faced with a hard decision though. Was it fair to let Nick go off to a whole other continent and still expect him to remain committed to only me? Maybe I should let him see other girls? I wondered even though the thought of it made me sick to my stomach.

Oh these little rejections how they seem so real to me
One forgotten birthday and I'm all but cooked

Nick assured me though that he didn't want to break up at that point. He was confident that we could keep in touch between letters, e-mails, and VERY long distance phone calls. Maybe even a visit or two when I had time off from school. Now almost five months later, one had to wonder about the state of our relationship. In the beginning, we e-mailed each other constantly, wrote letters weekly, and talked on the phone so much that I almost got my phone disconnected because I could barely pay the bill on time. Then little by little, it tapered off. Izzy and I flew out too see the guys when they were in Italy over spring break for a few days but the hectic pace of the concert schedule hardly left Nick and I a minute alone to get caught up with each other again. After I came home, things got even worse until he just stopped writing all together. Maybe once in a while I'd get a quickly scrawled postcard with a short message like, "Wish you were here," or "Miss you so much," or "Can't wait to see you again," but that was it. Last I had heard from him was a quick e-mail giving me the information about where his flight would be landing.

Maybe it was all just paranoia. I guess you might have guessed that I don't exactly have the worlds highest confidence level, but I could swear that SOMETHING was going on with Nick. I felt as if I was being pushed away by him little by little, as if he was sick of me or something. Naturally, the fans had their gossip. European fans had their reports of spotting him at clubs, and were eager to report on any girl he happened to be talking to. "I guess he and Melissa really did break up," they'd comment. Izzy tried to convince me that the rumors were just gossip. Nick had probably stopped writing as much because as the tour wore on he was getting more and more tired and just didn't have the time anymore. I tried to take her word for it since she was somewhat of an expert in the area, but it was hard to help myself from being jealous even though there was no indication that he was doing anything more than just talking to an occasional girl.

What killed me the most was that my birthday was this Saturday, only a few days away, and Nick had seemed to have forgotten all about it. He hadn't mentioned a word about it in his latest e-mail. I know I'm being juvenile, but little things like that just get me and it was just another excuse to lead me to believe that our relationship was over.

How these little abandonment's
Seem to sting so easily
I'm 13 again am I 13 for good?

Well, maybe it WAS all in my head? Maybe he'd walk off that plane and it'd be just like as if he never left. I sighed. Day dreams wouldn't help me now. I had to be prepared to face reality.

I checked my watch and realized I actually did have maybe five minutes to spare so I ducked into a nearby bathroom to make one final check on my appearance before I came face to face with Nick again. I sighed when I saw my reflection staring back at me in the mirror. Like most girls I suppose I'm not satisfied with the way I look, although I'm assured that by many I'm pretty. Personally, I don't see it. My medium length reddish brown hair was way too wavy and thick for my liking, making it look impossible when I wore it down unless I straightened it out. My eyes were just a plain, boring brown. Weight wise I was pretty happy being only 110, but then again I was only 5'1, so I was pretty petite. I had always wished that I was taller because, to me, height equated confidence. For some strange reason the taller my shoes were, the more confident I felt. (I know strange, but that's me.) Thanks to years of dance classes, my body was pretty toned and I had the long graceful neck, arms and legs of a ballet dancer. Unfortunately my dream of being a ballerina was shattered once I hit puberty. I became too curvy and ballet dancers can't have boobs or hips, so I focused my attention on other forms of dance. To this day, I still keep up with it. In fact, Melanie (who is also a dancer) and I are actually going into partnership and opening up our own dance school. Anyway, my reflection always disappointed me because I was the exact opposite of every other girl Nick had ever dated. Sometimes I honestly wondered what he saw in me. There were times I actually began to think that he was only with me because Izzy begged him. I know I sound like a real loser with no confidence, but you won't believe the pressure that's on me to be some supermodel just because I'm dating Nick Carter.

I can feel so unsexy for someone so beautiful
So unloved for someone so fine
I can feel so boring for someone so interesting
So ignorant for someone of sound mind

After running a brush through my hair and applying a new coat of lipstick I quickly left the bathroom relieved not to have to look at myself anymore. I found the gate without too much difficulty where I was greeted by familiar voice shouting, "I thought you'd never make it!"

I spun around to see Melanie Roberts waving frantically at me. "Their plane JUST landed. You made it in the nick of time!" She stopped and giggled realizing the little "nick" joke she had made. "No pun intended," she added.

I groaned. Melanie was infamous for her bad jokes but she was a blonde so I let her get away with it. Although I wasn't as close to Melanie as I was with Izzy, we did have loads in common, our love of dance being the most obvious. Plus, she was a fellow girlfriend of a BSB member. Kevin was her guy and like me she had stayed home during this tour (although I doubted Kevin had been acting as strangely as Nick had lately.)

Sorry I overslept," I apologized. "I woke up in time to hear you pulling out of my driveway."

"Sucks for you," she teased. "So, are you excited about seeing Nick again?"

"Nervous is more like it," I muttered under my breath.

Melanie turned to give me a questionable glance but just then a crowd started to depart from the terminal. My heart rose to my chest as I realized that the only thing keeping me from Nick was the tunnel between the plane and the airport.

Even though I knew that all the dancers and crew members and other such people were let off first, I still couldn't help but to scan the group of people getting off the plane, biting my lip nervously for the guys to appear. God, I felt like one of those little teenies, I was so anxious!

The first one to appear was Brian followed by Kevin. I watched as Melanie ran straight towards him and threw her arms around his neck. God, they looked so happy, so perfect... Would my reunion with Nick be the same?

AJ arrived next and headed straight towards me enveloping me in a bear hug. I had to grin. I'd definitely missed AJ more than I had realized. He'd been one of my closest guy friends in the last few months and was always there when I needed someone to talk to.

"You look great Babydoll!" he remarked as he laid a sloppy kiss on my cheek, using his pet name for me.

"You look better," I insisted as I looked around. "Where's Laura?" I asked referring to his latest in his endless string of girlfriends.

"I'm meeting her later," he explained. "So how've you been?"

"Fine," I vaguely answered as my eyes continued to search for Nick. I was so busy welcoming AJ back that I hadn't even noticed that Howie had joined the rest of us. Now where was Nick?

"Is Nick still on the plane?" I asked him anxiously.

"Well, uhmm actually..."

"He's right behind you," I heard a familiar voice say as an equally pair of familiar arms encircled my waist.

"Nick!" I cried as I spun around to embrace him. "God what took you so long? I was starting to think that you decided to stay in Europe!"

"Sorry," he apologized. "You know how I'm always the slowpoke."

We both paused for a moment, our eyes slowly drinking in the sight of each other, a sight we hadn't seen in such a long time. He looked good. Well, he always looked good, but that was besides the point. For a second or two I expected him to say something or to kiss me, but as soon as the moment began, it was gone again, and he looked away already dragging me over to the baggage claim with him to get his bags.

"Let's try to get out of here as quickly as possible and get home already. I'm sick of airports," he complained.

I didn't blame him. If I were in his shoes I'd want to get home as soon as possible myself.

"OK," I agreed. "And then you can tell me all about Europe."

Was it my imagination or did I see just a slight look of reluctance in his eyes?

______________________________________________________

Melanie never realized how good it would feel to be back in Kevin's arms again. She didn't that she'd miss him as much as she had, but she did. These past few months had been full of those cold lonely nights but she tried to keep as busy as possible by working on our plans for the dance school.

The dance school was actually sort of a gift from Kevin and Nick to us. We had both mentioned that we always dreamed of having our own dance studio, so, unknown to us, the two of them had found a building for sale, (it was actually a karate school before we had discovered it) split the money to buy it, and the night before they left for Europe surprised us with it. It was the best gift I'd ever received, but we still had a lot of work to put into the place.

Since it used to be a karate school it wasn't so bad because there were already two practice rooms and mirrors, a dressing room, reception desk, and office, but there was some things that needed remodeling and of course there was the business side to decide, and the scheduling and everything. So that pretty mu ch kept us on our toes while the guys were away. Finally, though the studio was almost complete and Melanie and I were planning a six week summer session to try to drum up business for the school year. Melanie had worked so hard on that studio, and she was damn proud of myself. She just couldn't wait to show Kevin all that she had done by myself. (Well, with MY help.)

So, even before they arrived back home after picking him up from the airport she dragged him over to the studio.

"You HAVE to see it!" she said excitedly as she unlocked the door and let him come inside.

She flicked on the light switch to show him how we had fixed the place up and really made it fantastic. She led him from room to room and she could tell by the impressed look on his face that he was proud of her.

"What you did here Melanie... It's amazing," he remarked.

She could tell he was thinking back on how the studio originally looked when he first bought it which wasn't exactly in stellar condition or anything.

"Thank you," Melanie grinned glad that he approved. "This is gonna be our main studio," she explained, leading him into the center of the room. "Big, huh?

We had one of those walls knocked down to make it as big as a regular stage."

She noticed Kevin looking at her strangely and she immediately stopped. "Why are you looking at me like that?"

"Because ... you just sound so... I dunno. I've never seen you so excited about anything before," he confessed.

"This is what I love!" she insisted. "Like you love singing. It's your passion. Well, dance is my passion."

"All right," Kevin said with a laugh. "I wasn't like making fun of you. It's great seeing you so involved in something."

"Thanks," she said with a smile as Kevin took her hand in his.

Before she knew it he sunk down so that he was kneeling beside her, his hand still interlocked with hers. Her palm grew sweaty and in a shaky voice she managed to ask, "Kevin? What are you doing?"

He didn't answer just reached into his pocket and pulled out a velvet covered box. "Melanie Roberts, would you be my wife?"

Melanie was so shocked that she dropped his hand and pressed both of hers against her mouth trying to stifle the tears that welled up in her eyes. She tried to get her mouth to form a response, but she found that she couldn't seem to make a sound. All she could do was nod her head eagerly as tears spilled down her cheeks.

________________________________________________________

OK, you haven't seen your boyfriend in almost five months and its his first night home. Think of all the romantic things that you could do. I doubt that sitting on the couch and watching Final Destination for the ten millionth time over Chinese food is what you might call romantic. I know I sound ungrateful. Normally, I wouldn't mind a night at home like this but we had months of stuff to catch up with and he wants to watch some stupid movie? Something seemed wrong with the picture.

"I missed you," I told him from where I was laying with my head in his lap, trying to initiate a conversation.

"I missed you too," he replied as his fingers stroked my hair his attention still focused on the movie.

"You must have been awfully busy over in Europe," I continued on deciding to confront him on his lack of communication. "You even stopped calling and writing."

"Yeah, it did get pretty crazy," Nick agreed. "It got to the point that everytime I wanted to sit down and write you a letter I was too exhausted to even think about what I wanted to say. Then when it came to calling you, forget about it. It started to get way too expensive."

Well, I could certainly relate to that, I thought as I sat up. Maybe this was all in my head. Nick did appear to be honest with me.

"That's all? No other reason?" I asked one more time just to satisfy my own curiosity.

"I'm being honest with you," he insisted looking me dead in the eye.

If Nick was lying he certainly was a damn good liar, so I just decided to let the topic slide.

"I don't know how I managed to make it through these past few months without you," I admitted, realizing how corny I must have sounded.

"It was tough, but somehow we managed," he told me before bending his head down to kiss me.

It had been our first kiss since he'd departed from the plane and I slowly began to lose myself in it as it grew deeper and deeper. Before I'd known it one kiss had turned into two and then three ... and well yea ... you get the picture.

In the meantime I let my mind slip away and suddenly I found myself thinking back to the night before Nick had left for Europe. How he insisted that he had a surprise for me that I was going to love. How he had picked me up and blindfolded me so I couldn't see where he was taking me. The look on my face when we walked into the building and he pulled the blindfold off announcing that it was mine, my future dance studio, what I had dreamed of all my life.

I remembered how he had bought me into the back studio with all the candles and proceeded to lay out a blanket in the middle of the floor where we had an indoor, candlelit picnic for dinner. The night was going so well up until the end when things got a little awkward. We both knew that it would be the last time we'd see each other for a while and we should make every second count but apparently it meant something completely different in his mind.

I guess I'm making it sound like he practically tried to rape me or something. I admit that I do enjoy making out (I think there'd be something wrong with me if I didn't) and I also admit that when he started to get a little carried away that night, the curious part of me was reluctant to make him stop. I might not have if he wasn't leaving the next day for the tour. I certainly didn't want to do the deed and then not see him for five months. Unfortunately, I think Nick took it the wrong way and maybe that whole awkward situation had contributed to my nagging feeling.

That brings me to another thing that fans expect. They think that just because I'm dating Nick that we're having great sex or something, and that couldn't be farther from the truth. I don't think they'd even want to try to believe that I'm a virgin, so I keep quiet on that topic. Also, if I did come out and admit that fact I definitely don't want to be labeled as some great role model for still being "pure" in such a sex crazed world because honestly I never actually said that I planned on waiting until marriage or anything. I just don't want to be ridiculed or called a hypocrite if I decide tomorrow that I'm ready to have sex. I've seen it happen to other certain female celebrities, and even though I'm not exactly a celebrity the backlash could be just as severe.

I was so far gone in my thoughts that I was barely aware of what was going on at the present moment. I was acting totally on impulse and maybe that's why at first I thought I was imagining things.

I left Nick's lips and headed for a spot on his neck that I knew was very sensitive. As soon as my lips made contact I could hear him moan underneath me.

"Mmm... Katie..."

And that was the moment when my world crumbled from beneath me.

*Lyrics from So Unsexy by Alanis Morisette off her Under Rug Swept album.