One month later
"Baby, I thought maybe we could go to the club tonight with the guys. We haven't done that in a long ass time. Leslie could watch Chase. Where is that hot little pink number you have? Is it in your closet hanging up?"
My mouth opened wide and I could've sworn that my heart had just fallen into my stomach. Nick was not going to find my journal.
"Please lord," I whispered, "don't let him find my journal."
I tried to take the steps two at a time like Nick could, but I failed miserably. I fell onto one of the steps. The pain seared throughout my knee and my calf but I had to keep going. I had to get to him before he got to it. I ran into the room and stopped dead in my tracks. Nick was holding a chocolate brown, leather bound journal.
"Why didn't you tell me?" His voice was somber.
It was so soft had he not been staring at me so intently, I could've sworn that it was all in my head. Had I known that you were sick, I would have come home. Fuck the tour."
I slammed the book down onto the nightstand.
"Do you even care?" I found myself sounding harsher than I had intended.
Nick glared at me with shock written all over his face.
"I don't think you would have given a rat's ass either way."
All the stress and heartache had built up and now I was at my breaking point. This was the moment of truth and no matter if he was ready or not, I was going to give it to him.
"A year ago you might have fucking cared. Now all you care about it is having a housekeeper and a fucking lay. But I guess I do get compensated for it. You leave me expensive jewelry. I guess I am a prostitute AND a housekeeper."
"Where the hell did that come from? YOU are not a prostitute."
I stepped closer to him, inch by inch.
"That's what you make me feel like. You come home to fuck me and then the next morning I wake up to a note with empty promises and a black box full of jewelry. Jewelry I could give a shit less about. Only once every three months you come home and spend time with us like a real family. Sometimes I wonder if Chase even knows who you are, because I don't. I question everyday if you love me, Nickolas. EVERYDAY! Do you? Do you love me? Because I don't think you do. I don't think you have for a very long time. And I spend every second here pining away for you. Wishing that I could see a hint of your true feelings for me. Wondering if I am not acting like a proper wife should. Wondering what I did wrong to make you hate me like you appear to. I am tired of all the bullshit: I am just tired. I give up. I can't do it any more," my hands stopped the gesturing and fell to my sides.
I stood there, defeated, staring at the carpet. I felt those familiar strong arms wrap around me. I didn't want him to touch me. I felt dirty all over again. I felt empty, hollow; like a shell of what I had been many years ago. Before him, before I fell for him. I beat my fists onto his chest as hard as I could. I wanted him to hurt as bad as I did at that moment. I wanted him to feel the pain that I had felt this whole time without him.
"Let go of me," I screamed, "I don't want to feel this way anymore. I love you but my heart has been shattered to pieces."
I felt defeated, like whatever I did wouldn't ever make him understand the pain I was feeling. I gave up on hitting him because he showed no hint of moving. Tired, I just fell against his chest. The same chest that used to comfort me when all I really needed was someone to love me and hold me. That was before we got married.
"Is this what you've been feeling all this time?" His voice was a whisper, almost inaudible.
I nodded my head in agreement.
"I never meant to hurt you. I guess I've been so busy trying to provide for my family that I didn't take time to think about how much personal anguish it was costing."
Nick honestly didn't think that I was back home pining away for him. The man in him believed that he was the sole provider for the family and the child in him couldn't comprehend what his absence meant to Chase or I. As much as he had been through in his short lifetime, he was still as innocent as a child in some aspects. Nick gently grabbed my forearms and softly forced me back a little.
"I know that I cannot take back anything that I have or have not done and said, but I want to make it up to you. I want to make it up to Chase. Can you forgive me?"
There was nothing I wanted more and he knew it. I knew that it was shining in my eyes. No matter how much he hurt me, no matter how much he pissed me off, I always fell victim to his spell. This was no exception. I closed my eyes slowly and I felt a large finger on my cheek tracing the path of the last teardrop to ever fall from my eyes.