Journal entry 1493
It was unfair of me to ask Raven not to say anything, but I didn't want anyone to know. I don't want pity. I don't want sorrow. I don't want tears. I just want to be normal for the rest of the time I have left. Cancer. That one word alone holds so much power, so much fear. It could even bring a grown man to his knees. Even though I have always been okay with dying, I never really wanted to go when so much was happening. I wanted to spend a great deal of time with my husband and my son. I wanted to see my son do everything. Now I won't even see him take his first steps or hear his first word.
* * * * *
The thought made my insides rip apart.
"You give me everything I have ever wanted. The love of my life, the career of my dreams, and a wonderful child. And now you take it all away from me," I screamed.
"It's not fair! What did I do to deserve this? Was I not a good enough wife, not a good enough mother? Did you figure that you gave me too much and now you think I don't deserve it anymore?"
I heard Chase cry from down the hall and cursed myself for waking him up. I ran for the crib and pulled him to me. He began to quiet down a little. I began to rock him in my arms and sang `Baby of mine' when he fell asleep in my arms. I set him down and staggered down the steps in the kitchen. I pulled a bottle of whiskey from the cabinet and headed back to my room. I was planning on drinking until the bottle was gone or I passed out; whichever would happen first