Quotes:

If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you."

Get your own damn ice... I try so hard to be nice... I bring you a drink from all the way in the kitchen and then you say "No ice??"

Dream as if you'll live forever, Live as if you'll die today

"Free iguanas for everyone!"

"Assumption is the mother of all f**k-ups; therefore, assume nothing!!"

"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Walk beside me and be my friend."

My mother says she just wants me to be happy - doing what she wants me to do.

"Friends are the Bacon Bits in the Salad Bowl of Life."

"Everyone hears what you say. Friends listen to what you say. Best friends listen to what you don't say."

Jokes:

Things to do while taking a driving test...

-comment on what animals you have hit recently.

-make them sit in the back seat so you can have your drive through food beside you.

-pick up hitchhikers.

-while at red lights, get out of the car and dance

-complain loudly that old people take too long to cross the road and yell at them when you drive by

-adjust the mirror to find something that's in your eye

-crank up the music

-scream every time you turn

-yell at the tester for no reason

-line the car with tinfoil and tell them that aliens are trying to make you drive bad and that the tinfoil will stop them.

-complain about how long it takes to get blood off your hood

-rip out the signal device and throw it on the road

-take a big bag of popcorn and dump it out the window on the highway

-roll down the windows and scream at everyone

-write down every time you cut someone off and then laugh and announce the number you are at

-clip out an accident article from the paper... have it in the car and say "I was there man... I caused it" and then laugh hysterically

-put someone in the truck and drive around -have that person laugh a lot too

-put on Offspring... the Bad Habit song... sing along... loudly

-run down a few people and drive away

-lean into the turns

-tailgate everyone

-cut off a cop and then try to out-run him

-scream out every sign you see

-try to push others out of your way with your car

-when the tester tries to get in the car, lock the doors. Drive away, then come back laughing. Repeat.

You might be a redneck if...

Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a six-pack.

You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.

You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.

Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.

You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.

You think that the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.

You've been too drunk to fish.

You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.

Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.

Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

The directions to your house include ""turn off the paved road"".

Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.

Things To Do To Your Roommate!

Keep your room real messy for a few weeks. Clean it while your roommate is out.

Leave before they come back. Arrive after them and then angrily accuse them of cleaning up your room.

Take all of the hair out of their brush and stick it to the wall with scotch tape.

Insist on cleaning their fingernails for them every night.

Crumple empty chip bags the whole time your roommate is home.

Make a shine dedicated to them.

Whistle one note of a song and repeat it for 3 days, then pick a new note.

Play Scottish music 24 hours a day full blast.

Every night at midnight, stick your head out the window and scream "GO AWAY MONSTERS! GO AWAY!" Do this every night for 6 weeks.

Sniff their underwear while they're still wearing it.

Buy fish and a fish tank. Dye the water with food coloring. Talk to the fish and giggle often while staring at your roommate.

Tie all your socks up in knots. Hang them from the ceiling. Count them every time you walk in the room.

Every time your roommate walks in the room, shake their hand and smile sweetly. If they refuse, wipe the smile off your face, clench your teeth and growl whenever they walk in the room for the next two weeks.

Watch test patterns.

Collect bottles of colored water on the floor. Refuse to discuss them.

Buy lots of slinkys and hang them from your ceiling while humming "It's Slinky, it's Slinky..."

Buy lots of pictures. Hang them up upside down. Stand on your head to look at them.

Tack candy wrappers on your walls.

Buy Barney dolls, tapes and posters. Carry the doll around singing "I love you...You love me..." and paint your face purple.

When your roommate throws something out, grab it from the garbage exclaiming

"I can't believe you're throwing this away! I've been wanting one of these for so long!" and toss it in a large card board box. Do this for a month or until the box is full. Then dump it on your roommates bed saying its their garbage anyway.

Talk to "invisible friends" about your roommate. When they look over, look away quickly and smile.

Stare at your roommate dreamily while slightly smiling...all the time.

torpid \TOR-pid\, adjective:

1. Having lost motion, or the power of exertion and feeling; numb; benumbed; as, "a torpid limb."

2. Dull; stupid; sluggish; inactive.

i.e. school makes me torbid