The night was warm and velvety, the scent of oranges in the air and the sand soft and gentle beneath his bare feet. The breeze ruffled through his board shorts and his white, open button-down shirt.

He felt, for once, normal- almost as if he wasn't a celebrity taking a walk on the beach to get away from everything.

Almost.

And he almost got lost in the rhythm of the tides, the cool water sliding across the moonlit sands, the gentle crashing of the waves. Almost forgot about the woman waiting for him in their hotel room- waiting, and weeping, mascara running down her cheeks as she frantically tried to stifle her sobs.

Almost.

He wondered, briefly, what had happened to them.

When they had stopped being wonderfully perfect together and had begun to be… nothing.

That's right. Absolutely nothing.

It had always been simple before, had always been easy. He knew what he was supposed to do and he did it. Easy, simple, clear... no confusion, no emotion, no anything.

And then he had fallen in love.

God, didn't "love" used to mean something good?

Something wonderful and sugary and golden? But of course he wasn't supposed to have fallen in love with a guy. And if he had it wasn't supposed to be one of his band mates.

He was supposed to love her, was supposed to love and be faithful to his girlfriend but all he could think about was that face and that beautiful voice and those sparkling eyes.

He was supposed to love her, but he didn't.

Sometimes I wonder where I've been
Who I am--
Do I fit in
Make believin' is so hard to do
Out here on my own

He had once hated lying. Despised it; refused to do it. And now every word he said was a lie.

He didn't try to lie. He really didn't. He always tried to keep the lies inside- it was okay to lie to himself, really. But somehow they always found a way to his tongue.

And his tongue was coated in lies- sweet, honey lies and cruel, frosty lies that all hurt in their own way. He knew just what to say to rip someone's heart out and ground it into the ground as if it were a cigarette and he knew how to send someone to cloud nine with one sweet, totally untrue word.

But the worst lies were the ones he had to say to him- the ones where he had to force a smile on his face and say cheerfully, "oh, yeah, I really think it's love… we'll make it this time."

Oh, yes, those hurt the most.

He sighed and stared out into the dark blue ocean and curled his toes in the sand, his hands balling into fists at his side.

It was unfair.

Really, truly unfair. He had everything- fucking everything- a career, money, a close-knit group of friends to talk to, and a wonderful, beautiful girl.

Everything he wanted.

Except--not. Not everything he wanted. He wanted more- oh, yes, the people with everything always want more. He wanted the somehow silky, somehow rough touch of callused hands- he wanted to hear his name groaned aloud in a deep, definitely male voice.

He just wanted to get over it, to move on, to get back to himself.

Except this was himself- this was the person he'd always been, and he knew it.

We're always provin' who we are,
Always reachin'
For that risin' star
To guide me far
And shine me home,
Out here on my own

He closed his eyes and sighed once more. If only he could just… slip away. Stop thinking and just be. Then maybe he could relax and slide into the fantasy that haunted the back of his mind--the one of a peaceful existence somewhere in the country, wandering the dusty roads and feeling someone else's hand clutched in his.

And although that would never happen he was comforted by the mere idea.

Maybe, on some other, alien planet there was someone like him--but not like him.

Someone strong enough to tell the truth, someone brave enough to admit the truth, someone who wasn't afraid of love.

When I'm down and feelin' blue,
I close my eyes so I can be with you
Oh, baby, be strong for me
Baby, belong to me
Help me through
Help me need you

But, then again, maybe it wasn't love. Maybe it was just… attraction. Or something.

Curiosity.

Or something.

But what was love, really? Just a word, just a stupid idealized concept that everyone wanted but no one found. Like Beatty from Fahrenheit 451- "the thing man wanted to invent but never did."

All he ever heard were sappy love stories of people who met in fucking middle school and married as soon it was legal. That wasn't love, that was duty, obligation. And anyways, all those marriages ended in divorce.

Love didn't really mean anything, anymore. Once it had- when he still believed in, well everything. When he still believed.

Because lately he didn't believe in anything. Least of all himself. Or love.

What had "love" ever done for him? Nothing. Made him miserable. Made the people who loved him miserable. He could feel the tears gathering in his eyes and hastily wiped them away. Even out here, he wouldn't let himself cry. He hated pity especially when it came from inside himself.

If only it was day. In the day, he didn't care. In the day, he could fake a smile and pretend nothing happened, even joke about his dilemma.

But here, at night, alone on the beach, there was no one to see him cry, no one to call him weak.

No one to hear his heart crack.

Until the morning sun appears
Making light
Of all my fears,
I dry the tears
I've never shown,
Out here on my own

He had tried to shut down, tried to push him away. But it just hadn't worked. They were too close, knew each other too well.

Ridiculous, really. How hard he had struggled to pull away, to distance. And all it had done was bring them closer.

He didn't want to be closer. He wanted it to be easier when he married the woman in his room- as he knew he would. Wanted it to be easier when he looked into those eyes as he stood at the altar and made vows that meant absolutely nothing to him.

Oh, yes, he'd be faithful. He couldn't be anything other than faithful- it was just one of those things.

And he would be with her until death separated them, if only because she made him feel safe.

But he would never love her.

And she knew it.

But when I'm down and feelin' blue,
I close my eyes so I can be with you
Oh, baby, be strong for me-
Baby, belong to me
Help me through
Help me need you

He tried to brush away her tears, tried to soothe her harsh breathing. "Don't cry, it'll all be okay…"

He whispered, taking her in her arms.

The semi-darkness enveloped them and he cradled her in his arms, hating her and hating himself more.

He wished he could love her. Wished he could mean it when he pressed kisses against her temple and wiped away her tears and told her everything would be alright, one day.

They both knew that one day would never come.

Sometimes I wonder where I've been,
Who I am,
Do I fit in
I may not win,
But I can't be thrown,
Out here on my own,

Out here on my own.

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