He doesn't remember when he did it. He doesn't remember why he did it. All he knows is that he did it. And now, he's not sure if he wants it, but knows he has to have it. When he left for Germany the words his father declared rang throughout his conscious. "You are now a man" he said. A Man. At the time he took the statement with pride, knowing that a 16 year old kid wasn't a man. He was a late bloomer, he knew that for sure. His body became a mans after Justin did, so he was sure that he wasn't a man when his father said he was.

He doesn't remember when he started reading the paper not only for the comics. He doesn't remember when he started turning on the news when he got up so he could get ready for the day listening to the days events. He doesn't remember when he subscribed to the Wall Street Journal. He knows it was after Germany, because in Germany he got a childhood that a boy back in Mississippi only dreamed of. Although the eldest three took advantage of the women and booze he merely sat back and watched. Talking to girls, sipping beers, but always watching Him.

He wonders when it started now. Did he appoint himself, or was it a group decision he wasn't aware of? Was it the classic case of lost virginity? He doesn't think so. That's a fond memory he realizes. He told her that he loved her, and then they became one. He wasn't her first, or one of the first ones for her, but that was okay with him. And he remembers during that whole time thinking, would it be different if he actually meant the words? He knew he loved her, but wasn't in love with her. It's amazing what one little two letter word can do. Because the whole time he kept thinking what would the person who he was in love with thoughts on the situation might be.

He wonders why he became the second favorite. They all know no one will be bigger than Justin. So they treat second place like first. He looks at the polls that show how he slowly came from being last to first through the back roads. He wonders why he can't still be there, because they all deserve more than he should. Chris is able to entertain the little ones like a favorite uncle, and make their parents see that they aren't in it for the sex and drugs, so the parents fall in love with him too. Joey is able to reel in the club and bar going crowds with his charm. He could flirt with a whole room, filled with both women and men. He could make the women fall for him, and he could teach the men how the women fall for him. The last one is different. He doesn't know why he surpassed the last one. The one with turqoise-steel eyes, hair that can do anything, and a voice like no other. The voice that persuaded him to join the group. The voice so soulful that even playing around seems like it'll be the last time it's ever used. He wonders why he surpassed Him.

He knows now what it is. It was the loophole. The loophole that gave Lou everything. The loophole that made them question their ability as a group. The loophole that he found when he was learning contracts because he had nothing better to do. The loophole that dragged them through a year of hell and back. That's when he became a man. That's when they all came to him and not Johnny or the lawyers asking for a solution. That's when they all came to him and cried because of the stress, and the sheer amazement of how one man could destroy so many lives he helped build without a single thought of remorse. The loophole that allowed him to learn how to control his emotions.

It was the loohole that brought him together with his love for a moment. When he couldn't take the tears streaming down Justin and Joey's faces, or the sight of abused pillows Chris had dystroyed. He went to him. Tears streaming down his face, his hands itching to destroy a pillow, but instead he clutched and held on like he was drowning.

He doesn't remember how he got on the bed or how it was that he was laying down with Him curled against his side. But he remembers the soft stroke of His hand against his side and the soft breath against his neck. Lastly he remembers wispering His name softly turning his head to stare into those turqouise-steel eyes and soon his lips were against His. It wasn't ravonous, the kiss, but more of a calming, "I'll always be here for you" kiss. He remembers how soft the long fingers had felt against his cheek and how His tongue rubbed against his in time with those fingers. He remembers every breath, every stroke, every thought that went through his mind in that moment. He doesn't know how long they kissed though, but he remembers what happened after the kiss. He wanted to tell Him "I love you" but that wasn't the kind of kiss that was shared. So no matter how much he contributed to the kiss, he still freaked at what to say after. And when someone knocked on the door, he jumped to it and hurried out as if the person on the other side knew.

The loophole played so many tricks, wraught out so many emotions that it was hard to desipher was a friend and who was a foe. Even now as he sits and looks out the window to a nameless town he remembers what the loophole did. So he sits and thinks of a plan to destroy the loophole, only it has been destroyed years ago. It did it's damaged and died off, now it was time for him to pick up the peices. Loophole or no, the damaged could be repared.

As it happened he doesn't know he's walking, doesn't know he's knocking, but knows he's kissing, and kissing Him. And He isn't pushing away but pulling him into his world into his emotions. No matter how hard the loophole tried, it couldn't keep him from his secret love.

Because the loophole didn't see, that he was nothing without JC.

Short Stories
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