Chapter Eleven

Jai’s hand was still stinging when she let herself into her apartment. She barely believed that she’d both hit and shouted at Justin, but there was no denying that she had. And high time, her still-brewing emotions insisted. After all he’s done. But another part of her mind immediately answered, Don’t you mean after all he’s been through?

Somehow, everything he had been through, from starting the group and a career in the music industry to getting dumped on by a woman who didn’t know worth when she saw it, made his prickliness not only understandable, but forgivable.

"It’s so much easier to be angry," Jai said softly to herself. She sat down at the table in her tiny kitchen and looked at the clipping Paul had given her that same day of she and Justin in what seemed to be a close embrace.

Lies, lies, all lies.

Jai laid her head on her arms. She wasn’t the lying type, never had been, so it would have been easy to write off her moodiness to a guilty conscience. But she knew that wasn’t it. The lies were only making her angry because they could only ever be lies.

The one thing Jai had always known and had always felt secure in was her music, her singing. She knew her feelings when the music started to play, and never questioned them. But something had changed.

The past several days had marked many firsts for her. For the first time ever, something had made her careless with her gift, with her voice. For the first time, she had been unsure about her feelings while singing a song. The feelings themselves were clear and strong, but she couldn’t-- wouldn’t believe what her heart had been trying to insist in those moments in the studio. She’d never hit anyone before, excluding her brothers when she was small. But she’d struck someone that day, and felt the hurt flash back on herself, pained by her own act of anger. Pained by hurting someone else. By hurting him.

She had always been glad that her artistry lay with music and not acting, because acting was too frightening. Couldn’t you just lose yourself in a character?

Couldn’t the act and the reality eventually get so entangled that you’d never be able to distinguish between them?

Jai was afraid that the answer to that was yes. With that realization, she started sobbing again.

She’d never cried so much in her life.

One more "first" to add to her list.

Justin didn’t know what swallowing his pride tasted like. Any pride he’d had in other relationships had either remained intact, or most recently, been stomped to shards. But this time he was going to have to humble himself and admit that he was wrong. It tasted bitter. He was, however, hopeful that he could offer a nice, clean apology and then they could be friends. It would certainly be more pleasant than everything else that had traversed.

He kept a death grip on the flowers he had picked up on the way over. The florist had insisted that yellow roses were a perfect gesture of friendship, not too showy, so Justin, like a sucker, had bought two dozen of them. Hell, why not, he reasoned. I’ve got the money. But he was pleased with the purchase he’d made, even though he was unwittingly squeezing them to death in his nervousness.

He knocked on the door and stepped back a bit, fully expecting an assault of some kind. Instead, he heard the security chain slide open. A moment later, she was standing in the doorway, barefoot and still in her tank top and warm-up pants. Her hair was pulled into a ponytail, and her eyes were red and swollen. Guilt swamped Justin before he could beat it back with his usual apathy. "What do you want?" she asked, her voice quiet. He could still hear the rasp behind it, the huskiness.

Justin’s thoughts spun out of control with that simple question asked in that voice. He knew she didn’t realize what she sounded like-- a very, very good phone sex operator. That voice and the question nearly made his mouth water… until he remembered what he’d came for and who he was facing. You’re making peace here, Justin, it’s not just some chick you picked up, he chastised himself. You’ll be lucky if she even talks to you. "I came to apologize," he said finally.

She crossed her arms over her chest, then dropped them. She couldn’t stay angry at him, not even when she was afraid he was being insincere. It just wasn’t in her nature. "For what, Justin?" She stepped back a little so he could step inside. He didn’t, but kept his ground in the hallway. "For not telling me what was wrong in the first place?"

"For saying things I myself didn’t fully believe," he heard himself saying. "For making assumptions and blaming you for things that were in my own past." She said nothing, but merely looked at him, tapping her bare foot on the carpet. "For making the past month or so living hell for you?" he tried.

She tilted her head to the side as if considering. "That’s what you did, you know," she said matter-of-factly.

Justin nodded, trying to shake the eerie feeling that he was 6 years old again, facing his mother after breaking her favorite plate. "I know," he said. "Jai, look, I made mistakes. I wasn’t-well, I wasn’t exactly in the frame of mind for a relationship, and then Carey saying the things he did…" he trailed off, caught up in memories.

"You’re kidding me, Justin, you didn’t know this whole time?"

"Know what?" Justin stared at her reflection in the mirror as she brushed her long blond hair, making sure to push out her chest as she did so.

She laid down the brush, turned, and patted his cheek. "You’re so cute when you’re naïve," she said sweetly. "I thought you knew I was having sex with Winston Carey."

His breath came out in a wheeze and he sat down on the edge of the bed, nearly falling off of it. He tried to laugh, but it came out in a choked sob. "Baby, that’s not funny."

She leaned forward, providing him with an excellent view of her cleavage then pouted when she figured out he wasn’t looking. "I know it’s not funny, darling, but it’s true. I thought for sure you knew. He’s getting me a contract. You understand, it’s just business." She walked to the closet and plucked something out of it.

"Get out," he said as loudly as he could muster, his voice carrying through the room.

"Hm?" She slipped on the dress she was holding and looked over her shoulder.

"Get the fuck out of my house right now." He wanted her to hurry and leave before the tears came.

"Justin, it’s not like I even like him or anything."

He raised his voice then in a wounded, wordless roar, throwing the glass on the nightstand at the wall beside her head. She screamed as it shattered.

"Y-You’re c-crazy, Justin," she stuttered, grabbing her purse and shoes and heading for the door.

Justin leaned his head back to stop the tears. It didn’t work.

"Justin?" He felt a hand on his arm and jerked, his eyes burning with anger, tears, and shame. But it was Jai who stood before him. He dropped his head and closed his eyes, embarrassed. She placed her hands on his shoulders and walked backward, pulling him into the apartment. "It’s ok," she said quietly. He took one more step forward.

It was hard to tell which one was more surprised that he’d ended up in her arms.

Chapter Twelve

"It’s okay," Jai said, any slight animosity she still harbored instantly swept away by the tears he was shedding. She didn’t know what he had thought of to make him cry, but she had a pretty good idea. She raised a tentative hand to stroke over his short hair, something she’d wanted to do since first seeing him. Now, though, it was a gesture of comfort, meant more for him than for her.

He remained where he was only for a moment, then broke away. His eyes weren’t completely dry, but close. He cleared his throat, embarrassed, and glanced at the enormous bunch of flowers in his hands. "I think I probably just crushed these," he said, holding them out to her. "But they were for you."

Jai smiled and took the flowers from him, turning her back to get a vase and to give him a few seconds to compose himself.

"You were crying," he said suddenly, making her turn around. "Before I came, I mean." She shrugged. It was her turn to be embarrassed. "Was it because of me?"

Yes, her mind insisted. Because of you and how you confuse me, how you’ve changed me. Instead, she smiled. "You know, not everything’s about you," she said teasingly.

"You sound different," he said gruffly. He was having a hard time concentrating. The swings of emotion were screwing him up. It wasn’t normal to go from anger to grief to… well, to lust. But after all those weeks, seeing her dressed to the nines every time they went out, hints of skin here and there, polished to a shine, and then the opposite, in comfy clothes and bare feet-well, he was human, wasn’t he? No sane straight man could be completely unfeeling toward her.

She chewed the inside of her lip. She’d wished so many times that he would look at her for once and see her, not whatever perception of her he carried in his head. Now that he was doing it, though, it scared her. He looked like he wanted to consume her, starting with little bites. She shifted uncomfortably and wondered when she had turned the heat up so high. "It’s because I got a little out of hand last night, screaming at you," she admitted, looking around for something to fan herself with. Why was it so damned hot in there?

"I like the way it sounds," he said conversationally, calculating the number of steps it would take for him to have her cornered against the sink and the counter.

"Umm… thanks," Jai said. "Look, we’ve both had a really long day." She thought about that then amended it. "A really long month. How about we just shake hands and end today as friends, pick up tomorrow on a better note?" He said nothing, but walked toward her side of the kitchen, watching his steps carefully. "What are you doing?" she asked, holding out a hand. Big mistake.

He was close enough to capture her hand with his own and jerk her to him, closing the distance. "What’s been in the back of my mind this whole time," he said quietly, lowering his lips to hers.

This is totally insane. If either had said it out loud, the other would have agreed implicitly. But neither wanted to stop. Jai felt her back hit the counter and what would have normally came out as an "ow" came out as a near-moan.

Justin’s ears were ringing but he registered her voice, letting out a small moan of discomfort against his lips. He broke the kiss, his lips parting with hers gently. "You okay?" he whispered, not trusting himself to speak. She nodded and raised a hand to his face wonderingly.

"You’re really here, aren’t you?" she asked quietly, running her thumb over his damp lips.

His eyebrows drew together. What did she mean? "Of course I am."

"I wanted this," she admitted, fleetingly running her hand over his hair. "I didn’t know I wanted this."

Justin lowered his forehead to hers, mentally kicking himself. "Jai, this whole time, you’ve given me the benefit of the doubt, and you were always kind to me. Why?"

"Because I knew you couldn’t really be like that," she said softly. "Now and then you showed me you weren’t like that."

"You didn’t give up," he said, awed. It seemed that everyone else in his life wrote him off as a brat, and so that’s what he gave them. Brattiness.

"I was about to," she laughed. He kissed her again, trying to taste the laughter, make some of it his own. He hadn’t laughed in too long. "We need to talk," she said, laying her hand to his chest. He nodded and followed her into the living room, hoping he wasn’t as obviously turned-on as he was afraid he was. She sat in an old recliner and drew her legs up, resting her chin on her knees. He sat on the couch facing her.

"Why did you need me?" she said suddenly. "I mean, for this whole thing. Johnny said that you needed this relationship."

Justin rubbed his temples. "Well, my drinking was getting to be a little more than Johnny liked or trusted. And my ex was wanting to get back together. She called me, said she had learned her lesson, had grown up."

"Say you weren’t considering it," Jai said, shocked. He said nothing, but the pained look came and went once again. "So I was supposed to protect you from her," she said quietly. He nodded.

"And so I protected myself from you, too," he said. "I can see now that I didn’t need to." Jai sighed and Justin looked her directly in the eye. "I trust you, Jai."

Jai smiled weakly, wondering what she was supposed to say to that. She couldn’t tell him the truth.

She couldn’t tell him that she was falling in love with him.

So she settled for saying, "I trust you, too."

Chapter Thirteen

Justin got down off the couch and knee-walked to her recliner. "Does it make you sad?" He placed his large hands on her bare feet where they rested at the edge of the recliner. He was surprised to see that his hands covered her feet nearly entirely. She was so much smaller than him, and he’d heaped so much abuse on her. It would be no surprise if trusting him made her sad.

"What?" she asked warily, eyeing his hands on her feet. It seemed so intimate. "Trusting me. You look as though it makes you sad." He rested his chin on his hands, his eyes, brown now without their contacts, staring up at her frankly.

Trusting you doesn’t make me sad, loving you does. "Not exactly," she said, growing warier by the second. His nearness was disarming, and making her breath come a little faster. She had already started to think of the moments in her kitchen as a mishap, brought on by his emotions over his ex. She was both afraid and exhilarated to think that maybe that wasn’t the case. "I suppose I’ve just had a long day." She sighed and closed her eyes, two tears gathering on her thick eyelashes, not big enough to course down her cheeks.

"No more crying," Justin said, softly. When she didn’t open her eyes, he wrapped those marvelously long hands around her feet and pulled quickly, not to pain her, but to shift her position. Her feet came down to the floor and he quickly wrapped his arms around her knees, raising up on his own knees so as to be eye-to-eye with her. "No more, okay? Especially not on account of me."

Jai opened her eyes then, her eyes soaking up the green of her tank top. She could feel the press of each individual finger on the sensitive backsides of her knees and tried to assuage the tension of the moment with humor. "I told you before, Timberlake, it’s not always about you."

Justin flexed his hands a little bit and heard her sigh. "I thought you were beautiful the first time I saw you," he said quietly. "And I’ve been pushing it away ever since, because I thought--" He shook his head in denial. "No matter what I thought." His voice lowered to a confidential whisper. "I just don’t want to see you cry."

She sighed then, the massaging motion of his hands making her everything but sleepy. That single throaty sound was the catch for him. He leaned forward and caught the tail end of the sigh with his own lips, sliding his hands up to her hips. Jai reciprocated by leaning forward a little and laying a hand on either side of his head, feeling the wiriness of his hair beneath her fingers. Justin pulled her closer to him so that she was forced to spread her feet apart, placing her knees on either side of his ribs.

"Justin," she said, out of breath. He busied himself by kissing her neck. "I don’t think-- I don’t know-- God, I can’t think when you’re doing that."

He smiled into the soft skin of her neck. "I know," he mumbled, nipping her just a little. He hadn’t felt playful in too long, and he couldn’t be happier that he was here with her, someone who had taken the time to care. He had hurt her, he knew, but now he wanted to make it up to her.

"I don’t know if this is a good idea," she finally managed. It was an absurd statement, since even as it fell from her lips, her hands were pressing his mouth closer to her skin. "Do we know each other well enough for this?"

He drew his head back far enough to look into her eyes, and she knew the answer to that question. They knew the worst in one another, had brought out the worst in one another even, and were still here, talking. Or, more to the point, they weren’t talking at all at the moment. His lips returned to hers.

She gasped in shock as his hands slid under her. He stood and picked her up simultaneously, her legs reflexively wrapping around his waist. He stood still for a moment. "Jai, I have no idea where your bedroom is," he said, brushing featherweight kisses over her cheekbones. It was true, he didn’t know, but he would have found it sooner or later. This way, he was leaving the decision up to her.

She laid her forehead to his, breathing hard. She squeezed her eyes shut and summoned all of the concentration she could. She understood the significance of the moment, what the next few words could mean for her and her whole life.

"First door on the right," she said, making her decision. In her heart, the decision had been made for her already.

Chapter Fourteen

Justin lowered Jai to the bed, unsure of himself and more unsure of what he was about to do. He saw the flicker of fear in her eyes and hated himself for putting her in this situation. He started to take a step away from the bed, cursing himself under his breath. He got no farther away from her than a few inches, though.

Jai looked up at him, tense with anticipation and self-consciousness. She didn’t know what to do, didn’t know what was expected of her, but he was so beautiful. She was staring at him intently, so the second he moved away, she saw it. Her hand stretched out and her trembling fingers circled his wrist. "Justin," she whispered. "Don’t leave. Don’t stop." She took a deep breath and brushed her lips over his knuckles. "You just have to tell me what to do," she said, her cheeks burning. "I’m sorry that I don’t know."

Justin’s voice caught in his throat. "That doesn’t matter, Jai. You’re too good for me," he said, rubbing his cheek to her hand.

"You don’t want me," she said dully, the realization hitting her. She’d thought that if she could make him want her, perhaps it wouldn’t be as hard to make him love her.

He laughed. "That’s definitely not true." He figured if he left now he’d have to spend at least a full hour in a cold shower. But he’d be damned if he ruined her.

"Then stay," she said. On impulse, she grabbed the hem of her tank top and lifted it up over her head, raising her shoulders to slip out of it.

Justin stared at her for a moment, completely motionless. The thoughts I’m having are going to damn me to hell as it is, he thought. I may as well do this right. He knelt on the bed with her, putting his hands to her bare waist and kissing a trail down her throat.

Jai leaned her head back and gulped in air. She would have never guessed that he could be so tender, so gentle. She felt as though she were glowing, as though his touch left behind luminescent trails. When he had undressed her, Justin sat back on his heels and studied her in silence.

"You’re beautiful," he said solemnly, still fully clothed.

"I feel foolish," she said, resisting the urge to cover herself.

He chuckled, his voice hoarse from self-restraint. "Why?"

Her mouth pulled into a coy smirk. "Because I’m completely undressed and you’re still fully clothed," she pointed out.

That didn’t hold true for long.

Much later, Justin pressed his lips into Jai’s hair. "Are you okay?" he asked.

"Hmmm." Jai was trying to gather her mind enough to complete a word, much less a sentence.

"What I mean is, ah, did I hurt you?" He was stuttering and blushing his way through it. He’d never been with a virgin before, and so he didn’t know what he was supposed to say or do. He’d seen her wince in the first instant, but she hadn’t seemed in pain after that.

"Not really," she said, scratching his chest with her index fingernail. She raised her head to look at him, her eyes glowing with satisfaction. "I’m glad I waited for you."

Justin shifted so that she was in his arms and they were lying face-to-face. "Are we a real couple now?" he asked suddenly. "You know, no longer a publicity stunt?"

Jai’s jaw dropped. She hadn’t expected this. At least, not for a while. "Ah… well, yes. I mean, if that’s what you want." Her eyebrows drew down in a frustrated scowl as she tried to puzzle out what she should say. "Yes," she said definitely. "Real couple."

Justin laughed and hugged her close enough to take her breath away. "Good," he whispered fiercely. "That means you’re mine." He thought for a few seconds. "And I’m yours."

Both Jai and Justin thought it would be easier to be together if their feelings were genuine, but both were wrong. Whether the novelty of them as a couple wore off or the public sensed some change, their publicity changed from being positive to negative.

"‘Jai and Justin-Is entertainment’s darling duo hiding something?’" Jai read out loud. "Are you freaking kidding me? When we were lying, they loved us." She buried her hands in her hair. Justin kissed the nape of her neck and barely glanced at the newspaper.

"It happens no matter what," he said. "At first they love the idea of a couple, then when they get tired of loving it, they turn on it." Jai glanced up at him and he shrugged. "I’ve been there. You could ask Johnny to see his clippings on my… on my last relationship." Jai wondered if it was always going to hurt him, but then he grinned. "But she deserved the bad press," he said gleefully.

Jai laughed and shook her head. "Have you told Johnny about… about us?" Justin shook his head. "I haven’t told Paul, either. I’m afraid they’ll make us split up," she said suddenly. "If the press continues to be bad, they’ll make us stay apart."

Justin shook his head. "Doesn’t matter. Even if they forced us to be apart, I’d find a way." Jai was surprised any time he displayed strong emotion or loyalty toward her. "It took me long enough to find you," he said. "I’m not taking any chances."

Chapter Fifteen

Jai had never maintained a relationship in tandem with her career, and in the next few weeks, she saw exactly why that was. Between her album climbing the charts and the soundtrack song "My Love" being released as a single, she was being shuttled from appearance to appearance at a rapid-fire pace.

"I miss you," Justin said over the telephone one night. "You’ve been gone for--"

"Exactly a week and three days," Jai said, laughing from her hotel room in Chicago. "I know. But I’ll be back soon."

"Not soon enough," Justin said sighing. "You’re on Letterman tomorrow night, aren’t you?"

"Yeah," Jai said, plucking at the comforter on her bed, all nerves. "I’m scared," she said, laughing. "I’m afraid I’ll look stupid."

"You’ll look beautiful," Justin said confidently. "A bunch of us are getting together at your studio to watch it. You know, your own little fan club. My girl’s going to have more fans than me soon."

"Well, you’ll always have me as your biggest fan," Jai said, absurdly touched by the fact that he called her his girl. I love you, she itched to say, but didn’t. There was no need to scare him.

"All right, baby, I’m looking forward to seeing you when you get back. You get your rest, okay?"

Jai smiled and said good night, then laid back in her hotel bed. "I wish you were here with me," she whispered, staring up at the ceiling. Two more days and she would be back in his arms.

"So you’re dating this guy right, this Justin guy that all the girls are screaming over," David Letterman said, showing his gap-toothed grin.

Jai smiled. "Yes, I am." She looked straight into the cameras and wiggled her fingers, and Justin grinned from his seat next to Paul at the studio.

"That was for me," he said confidentially to Paul.

Paul raised an eyebrow. Jai hadn’t complained any more about tension between the two of them, but she hadn’t told Paul they were getting along, either.

There was laughter from the audience and Justin looked around. "What did he say?"

JC was there, as well, and spoke up from his spot on the couch. "Letterman said he thought you were only 14 then made a pass at Jai."

"I’d date him," one of the girls from Villain of Love spoke up. "Letterman, I mean. Sorry, Justin."

"Well, well, looks like I inadvertently crashed a party," a voice drawled from the doorway. "Hello, gang."

Justin’s mouth tightened. He’d been waiting for this moment, coiled and ready to hurt the man who had said so much about Jai. Winston Carey stood in the doorway, his manicured hands in the pockets of his trousers. "Mr. Innis, I needed a word with you."

Paul sighed and stood up. He and Carey had been negotiating over a smaller artist that Paul managed, and so he couldn’t keep him waiting. "I’ll be back," he told the group gathered. "It shouldn’t take long."

Carey looked up at the television screen. His eyes narrowed. He was still a bit bitter over never getting a taste of Ms. Bowman. "Well, well," he said in mock cheerfulness. "From this angle you can almost see up her skirt."

That’s all it took. Justin leapt from his chair, a low growl in his throat. Before anyone else could move, he had Carey pinned against the door, his forearm pressed into Carey’s throat. "If I ever hear you say or even think another thing about Jai, you will regret it. I will see that you regret it."

Johnny dragged Justin back and Paul hustled Carey out of the studio.

"Last I recalled, you didn’t think you owed Jai Bowman any great loyalty," Johnny said, breathing hard from his exertion with Justin. "I think you’ve got some explaining to do."

JC couldn’t believe his luck. In a matter of weeks, he’d gotten to see Justin called to the carpet several times. He loved Justin like a brother, and so watching him grow up was just one of the many privileges he enjoyed.

"My mother always taught me that there’s no need to disrespect a woman," Justin said, pacing back and forth as much to expend energy as to keep Johnny from seeing his eyes. "I just think that guy’s a slimeball and if my last girlfriend didn’t prove that, then I don’t know what would."

Johnny sighed. "Justin, no matter how noble your motives, you know that kissing ass is a way of life in this business." He glanced out the door, where he could see Paul talking to Carey. "I suppose I should go make amends." He left the room, where there was a moment of silence, and then talking started back up among the few people that were left there.

JC stood in Justin’s path and put a hand to his chest. The technique didn’t work as well as when Justin had been smaller than him, but it still worked. "Johnny doesn’t know that you and Jai are genuine, does he?"

Justin raised his eyes to JC’s, knowing that he could never be dishonest with his best friend. "No, he doesn’t. Jai’s afraid they won’t let us actually have that together."

"Then I won’t be the one to tell him," JC said. "You’ve got no worries here."

Paul ran a hand through his thinning hair. "Carey, I’d ask you to please watch your mouth in regard to my singers." Carey started to open his mouth and Paul held up a finger. "Especially Jai. I care about her and don’t appreciate the way you act toward her. But I will concede that Justin was out of hand."

Carey straightened his tie and sniffed. "I’ll expect a formal apology from both your office and his manager’s," he said haughtily. "And the deal I came for is off," he added as Johnny came out the door.

"Fine," Paul said bleakly. "I don’t deal with slime anyway. And I’d thank you to act as though this never happen. Jai returns the day after tomorrow, and by then, I don’t want any of this touching her."

"Fine. This little mess won’t touch her," Carey said, already walking away. He made sure he was in the parking lot before he added, "But I might."

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