“I know.

“I know about Joey, and about Justin, and about Chris. I know you thought I would never find out, but… Justin and his damn mouth, right?”

Silence. Your terrified green eyes, staring into mine. I try to laugh but it comes out more as a bark, a cough, and I stop, saddening.

“I’m sorry. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t stand watching you with them, knowing that they know you just as intimately as I do. Knowing that what should be mine- just mine- is theirs too.

“No- don’t say anything just yet. I have to say this.”

You settle back in your chair but you look like a deer caught in headlights. Oh, don’t you see, don’t you understand why I’m doing this?

“Look, I know we said no commitments. We said that a long time ago. Because we knew this would happen. Because we all know that the idea of commitment terrifies the hell out of you.”

At this you’re angry, and I can see it in your eyes. It’s true but I shouldn’t have said it.

“No- that was unfair of me. I’m sorry I said that. Please, relax and hear me out.

“I love you. You know I love you. How could I not? We all love you. You don’t see that, do you?

“Oh, Jesus, I’m bad at this. Look, what I’m trying to say is- dammit. I don’t know what I’m trying to say, okay?”

You’re smirking at me. I’ve lost my nerve, like I always do, and you’re no longer backed into a corner. Now you can talk your way out of it, like you always do.

No. That’s not how it’s going to happen today. I have to say this to you.

“I don’t want to lose you, Lance. I love you. I always have.

“But I can’t take this anymore. I’m sorry. I just can’t handle the thought of you- holding someone else’s hand. Kissing someone else. of someone else seeing you in the morning- the way you look, all rumpled and sleepy but still the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. Oh, God, Lance.”

Ah, shit. I can’t help it. I’m crying. More like bawling.

And you’re behind me and your hands- your fucking hands that I hate and love at the same time- are rubbing the tension from my neck.

“Lance, please, I need to say this…”

But you don’t leave me alone and lean closer, pressing your chest against my back.

You’re murmuring in my ear, and even though I can’t understand what you’re saying I know the words that are dripping from your mouth anyways. Because I’ve heard them so many times.

You’re telling me to relax, that we’ll talk about it later.

“I don’t want to talk about it later, Lance. I want to talk about it now. God dammit! This happens every time, every time I try to talk to you, you get out of it by telling me that we’ll talk about it later. Well maybe there won’t be a later, Lance, so why don’t we talk about it now?”

You’re shocked by this. I’ve never been strong enough to refuse you. Never been strong enough to hold you back and tell you that we need to talk now.

“I am not a play thing, Lance. I was not placed here for your amusement.”

You’re scared again. But this time it’s real fear.

“I’m sorry. I love you. You know I love you. But I told you- I can’t take this. I refuse to be just a game, just something you take out when you’re bored. I’m sorry.”

I can’t apologize enough. I feel like I’m breaking your heart- that’s what it looks like, anyway.

Even though I know, somewhere in me, that I was just one of your toys.

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