More and more I know this party is a mistake. Her fingers are leaving red marks on my upper arms, she’s clutching too hard again. She’s forcing a smile that strains through her lipstick-coated laughter.
She looks at me, her eyes crinkling in the corners. “How ya doing?” She asks, ever considerate, ever the fucking hostess.
“Better than you, probably.” I say, although that’s not true. I am shaking, I think and my skin makes a dry papery noise as I rub my hands together. He hasn’t looked at me once tonight. On purpose, of course, purposefully setting me up, but I hate it all the same time. God, I hate him sometimes.
She bumps my hip with hers, attempting to be playful. “I love you, Chris.” She says, and releases my arm, taking my hand instead. I can feel her stroking our engagement ring.
“Yeah.” I mumble, and look away.
Never made it as a wise man
I couldn't cut it as a poor man stealin'
Tired of livin' like a blind man
I'm sick inside without a sense of feelin'
And this is how you remind me
This is how you remind me
Of what I really am
This is how you remind me
Of what I really am
“You don’t think that’s… unnatural?” She asks in a low voice, I know where she is looking without having to follow her glance.
“Love?” I laugh. It hurts.
“Is it really love?” She studies them, they’re so happy, and I hate them for it. I’m a really hateful person these days. I haven’t seen any of them for five years, and she insisted on this party, and I tried to avoid inviting my ex-group members, but she said, your best friends, Chris. Your best friends. “Are you sure it’s not just some.. perversion or something? An after-effect of the coke?”
I flinch, that’s a low blow to me even if she doesn’t know it. I don’t answer and my eyes linger on them, they’re laughing, JC’s arms wrapped around Lance’s waist, chest pressed against Lance’s back, Lance leaning into him trustingly. Beside them Justin throws his head back and guffaws, his mouth wide and his teeth glinting in the sunlight.
Damn him.
He turns to me, sees her clutching my hand. For the first time the entire night, he catches my eye and stares at me, a slight smirk dusting his ruddy cheeks. He still has that angelic naďve air around him, and I know he’s anything but.
He winks lustily at me and turns back to the happy couple.
It's not like you to say sorry
I was waiting on a different story
This time I'm mistaken
For handing you a heart worth breakin'
I've been wrong, I've been down
To the bottom of every bottle
Despite words in my head
Scream "Are we having fun yet?"
Yet? Yet? Yet? No, no.
He prowls into the room like a cat, gracefully, his movements fluid. He collapses elegantly into the blue armchair, and if I know him, which I do, he is going to begin his war on me again, he is going to begin terrorizing me. He runs a hand through his blond curls- against my will I am glad he grew them back- and his eyes are clear and calculating.
“She’s pretty,” he says finally, after we sit a moment in silence, nursing our beers.
“Yeah,” I agree nonchalantly, noncommittally.
“Doesn’t seem like your type, though.” A challenge- he settles back into the armchair, his smile sincere, his eyes contradictory.
“Oh?” I refuse to be drawn into his struggle for power.
His smile doesn’t falter, in fact widens at my apparent indifference. We know each other too well. “Do you love her?” He asks, leaning forward again.
This questions strikes a chord, he knows it from the way I shift on the couch, suddenly uncomfortable. “Of course I do,” I say and my voice is suddenly too high, too strained. He smirks as I add, “that’s why I’m marrying her.”
It's not like you didn't know that
I said I love you and I swear I still do
It must have been so bad
'Cause living with me must have damn near
Killed you
“Chris…” He stands, stroking his chin thoughtfully, beginning to pace. He stops, stares at me and says meaningfully, “I thought you were sure of your sexuality.”
“Fuck.” I sigh. “Not this again, Justin, for God’s sakes.”
He gives me his cool, patented smile. “I was just asking.” He comes, stands in front of me, his shins bumping my knees. “Because I recall a night-”
“You seduced me.” I say angrily, furious with myself for reacting. “Fuck, Justin, you did and you know it.”
He laughs, a cold sound, not the laugh I know. He is manipulating me into the position he wants me in, I am helpless against him. “Well then it must have been several times, right, because I seem to recall an entire year- or was it two?” He nudges my knees apart with his leg.
“Justin, it’s over. Okay? It has been for a long time. You need to just let go. Get over it, for Christ’s sake.”
“I’m over it.” He says calmly. “I’m just trying to protect the innocent.” Suddenly he is standing in between my legs, leaning forwards, his long, elegant fingers digging into my inner thighs, his face centimeters away from mine. “So? Do you love her?”
This is how you remind me
Of what I really am
This is how you remind me
Of what I really am
It's not like you to say sorry
I was waiting on a different story
I choke on my words. “Justin.” I say quietly, look away. “Not now. Don’t do this to me now.”
“You said you loved me once,” He says, his voice and eyes suddenly soft. “You said you loved me, and look where you are now. Marrying a goddamn female homophobe. Christ, I never thought you’d be so afraid.”
His fingers, his voice, his lips- memories are drowning me. Suddenly my shorts are too tight, I can’t control it, he notices and smirks again. “You said you loved me, too.” I hiss, blushing.
He leans forward, his eyes still dangerously warm. “I meant it.” He says, “I meant it, you know I did.”
I know. I do. I meant it, too.
This time I'm mistaken
For handing you a heart worth breakin'
I've been wrong, I've been down
To the bottom of every bottle
Despite words in my head
Scream "Are we having fun yet?"
Yet? Yet? Yet? No, no.
With his finger he traces the lines in my forehead, the corners of my eyes, the outside of my lips. Your face looms, so close to me, I can feel your breath smoothing across my cheeks. He’s done it again, damn him, he’s manipulated me into this position again. whenever I think I am free, of him, of everything, he is back and taking over my mind and fucking everything is mind, I can’t escape him.
“Fuck.” I sigh, and through the window I can see her and she is laughing with Lance and Josh, and she will never know about me, about us and I can’t leave her like this, not again.
His lips are on mine, stealing my breath, melding my soul with his. Through the window I can feel Lance’s accusing eyes, and I can hear her laughter, and he is kissing me, he is stealing me—
“Fuck you.” I yell, shoving him away, leaping to my feet. I am raging away, I am close to breaking down, “Just fuck you, Justin.”
I know him too well to think he won’t cry in the safety of his own house, his own room. In the safety of his own lie.
Never made it as a wise man
I couldn't cut it as a poor man stealin'
Tired of livin' like a blind man
I'm sick inside without a sense of feelin'
And this is how you remind me
This is how you remind me
Of what I really am
This is how you remind me
Of what I really am
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