"So many times, I thought I held it in my hands, but just like grains of sand, love slipped through my fingers…"

I slammed off the my CD player, my chest heaving as the words escaped through the speakers. JC hit me groggily, his arm wrapping around my neck and pulling me back into his embrace, his face nuzzling against my cheek.

"JC, I gotta get up, sweetheart." He tightened his grip and buried his head further into me, his lips pursing to place a sloppy kiss on my cheek. "Honestly, JC, you’ve got to let go," I laughed. He frowned in his sleepy state before he released me, his hand skipping over my body lifelessly as I pulled away.

I smiled then pressed a soft kiss onto his forehead, covering him again with the soft down comforter. His full lips curled into a contented smiled and he wiggled his fingers "goodbye", finally resettling into his pillow.

I hurried getting ready, throwing on my usual work attire before I traveled up the stairs. I slowly pressed open door after door, checking on each of my slumbering guests before I came to Justin’s room. My heart beat quickened as I reached for the brass knob, my nervous fingers turning it slowly.

The room was empty except for the envelope on the table, addressed to me in Justin’s chicken-scratch writing. I reached for it slowly, my breath catching in my throat before I dared to open it. Slowly, my finger slid beneath the flap, loosening it. I opened the folded paper, and gasped involuntarily as I read his words, tears slowly starting to well up in my eyes.

My dearest Riley:

I’m sorry for not saying goodbye, but I didn’t want to intrude on you and JC’s time together. I know that time with the person you love is precious. I am leaving early to see my mom because honestly I don’t know how to deal with you right now. I thought that I could erase these new feelings I have for you, but now they are so strong that I find that impossible to do. I respect your decision to be faithful to JC, but I hope that you understand that I need some time away from you.

Justin

I let the letter fall from my fingertips as I struggled to grasp his words. I crouched down and leaned against the wall, and as I wiped at my eyes, my entire body started to tremble. I bit my lip as I began to let the tears fall freely, their salty residue stinging my cheeks.

I was scared. And although fear never entirely left me, this situation terrified me in way that was frighteningly new. There was the actual possibility of losing Justin, a thought that had never entertained before. And that was the last thing I wanted to do. In all our years of friendship, we had always remained platonic, and although there was some attraction, we both understood that it could never be something more. There was always a clearly defined line.

But now he wanted more. And as crazy as it sounded, after one night, he felt so strongly in his feelings that it prompted him to leave. Had I made the wrong decision? It was more unclear now than before. As convicted as I had previously been, the reasons for staying with JC seemed to weaken with each passing day. Justin had a point, I agreed, but I was scared. And that fear of the unknown, of the undefined, it kept me in limbo.

I wiped at my eyes and sniffled, folding the letter neatly and shoving it into the drawer of the table. I slowly tip-toed down the stairs and back into my room. I crept towards the bed slowly, smirking at JC’s gentle snores, and climbed back into the bed. Slowly, I snaked my arm across his torso, my hand lying flat on his bare belly, my head resting between his arm and chest. I sighed deeply and he opened his eyes, their deep blue color a familiar comfort. Smiling, I kissed his nose and pressed his eyes closed with my fingertips, my eyes radiating a sense of love. My heart stopped racing. "I just wanted to let you know, JC," I said softly, my hand running through his dark locks, "I love you more than anyone else in the world. I am so happy that we’re finally together again."

He smiled broadly, pulling me into his body, his hands enveloping my back. "I’ve waited so long for you to say those words, baby." He paused, his eyes tearing with a sense of sentimentality before he swallowed. "I love you, too, Riley."

You’d think after years, I’d finally be used to the lies. Numb to them, unable to feel anything after hearing the meaningless words for the millionth time. Unable to care after whispering deceiving words of love to someone who felt things so true. But when they were said to me, it burned. Sharply, like the brutal cold of ice on fresh skin, or the sear of steaming metal. It hurt, so deeply, that I couldn’t help but cry, because her lies, her disillusioned truths, they killed me.

For once, I knew what I wanted. And theoretically, I knew how to get it. I knew how to get the girl; I’d seen all the movies, read the books, hell, I even wrote the damn songs. And when I thought about it, my ego got the best of me. I was Justin fucking Timberlake, 1/5th of a pop sensation. Boyband heartthrob. You would think I would be more than qualified.

But she had someone else. Someone to whom she was tied. Someone who made her feel comfortable in her own skin, made her feel beautiful. But she didn’t love him; she told me so. And she never lied to me. Maybe that’s why it burned. Because it was a new feeling, having her lie to me, having the words she said to me be something of a mistruth. When she said she loved him, that she belonged with him, she was mistaken. She had to be. Because I was her soul mate. I was the one she needed to love. Because I needed to love her.

I left because I couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t watch the living lie, the actions that resulted from them: the kisses, the coos. I had resigned to being the best friend, to watching as she lived out her fairy tale with a man who would never know how she really felt.

I folded the letter, pressing it tight into the palm of my hand, trying to forget that I had even written it. I wanted it to disappear, for the words to erase themselves, praying that that would make them untrue. But still, I couldn’t bring myself to destroy it. My hand slowly opened the table drawer and placed it there safely beside it’s companion. I wiped the tears from my eyes and padded down the stairs, back to the comfort that JC’s arms provided.

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