He didn't drink, he didn't smoke, he didn't do drugs . . . why was it he felt like he was in worse shape than everyone around him that did?
He rested his chin in his hand and propped his head up on the table, playing with a matchbook in his other hand. His head pulsated with the music blaring out the speakers, which were strategically placed all over the club. His eyes traveled up to the stage in front of him.
He sighed.
He came here more than the married middle-aged men who weren't getting any from their wives at home.
He shook his head and lowered his eyes from the body of the dancer in front of him. She had nothing he hadn't seen before. Nenette was his favorite dancer, but at the same time, she really held no captivation for him. She was like all the rest, tall, long hair, beautiful eyes, impeccable body.
He sighed again. Somehow he knew how her dance was going to end. With a wink in his direction and a beckoning finger she would lure him backstage and bang his brains out in the dressing room.
That seemed to happen to him a lot at this place. There had been Jessica, the dancer off to his right who was enticing a forty-something-year-old man by gyrating her hips and licking her lips erotically as she ran her hands down over her breasts slowly.
He closed his eyes.
He remembered Jessica perfectly. The first time he had ever come to this club, she had finished her show and come straight out of the dressing room wearing something slightly more comfortable than a g-string and half of a bra. She had made a beeline straight for him and made it no secret what she wished him to do.
As always, he had obliged after feeling he had made her wait long enough and allowed her to lead him back into the dressing rooms where they had sex amongst piles of costumes with half-naked strippers milling around them, preparing for their shows. He had spent the entire time contemplating whether or not strip clubs were meant for 18-year-olds.
He had no doubt that that was the way it was going to go with Nenette that night, it always happened the same. He could tell by the way she kept her eyes trained on him throughout her dance that she was going to proposition him the first chance she got.
Why did he put himself in these situations? He sighed. He'd had enough for the day. He needed to see Jackie. He stood from his table, tossing a few bills onto it to pay for the Cokes he'd had and started to head for the door.
He could tell by the way Nenette's sea green eyes were beating into the back of his head that she wasn't happy he was leaving.
She needn't worry. He'd be back for her later.
"Yeah, well, I had a bad day."
"What happened?" she asked, turning to look at him as he started the car.
He sat there for a moment, letting the motor run. He just stared at the steering wheel. "Got fucked twice, left before the third one had a chance, had to see Calisto, didn't eat a thing, haven't pissed in hours and didn't see one beautiful thing the entire day."
Jackie arched a brow. This was a familiar mood.
"But that's all about to change," he said quietly. "We're going to the hotel, there's Chinese food waiting, the bathroom's clean, Calisto isn’t there and I don't have to fuck anybody."
A smile tugged at the corner of her mouth. "What about not seeing one beautiful thing all day?" she asked.
He raised his blue eyes to look at her and answered in a matter-of-fact tone as if she should already know. "You're going to be there, too."
She turned away from the mirror, a shocked yet pleased expression resting on her features. "Justin. I didn't know you were coming back."
He shrugged, stepping into the room and laying the rose in front of her on the makeup table. "Didn't want to bother you during your routine."
She flipped her long brown hair behind her shoulders, the blonde highlights glistening through it softly. "You wouldn't have bothered," she replied.
He leaned against the counter softly. "If it means anything, you did an amazing job," he said, not even flashing a smile.
She smiled. "You weren't even watching."
"Yes, I was. Don't give me that. I have eyes on the top of my head."
She laughed. She had a beautiful laugh, and he rarely got to hear it, but it wasn't something he really wanted to hear in the first place. There wasn't a reason for it, he just didn't find pleasure in it.
"So why are you here?" she asked, knowing full well why he had stopped by.
"To give you the rose," he replied, not looking at her.
"You wanna give me something else?" she replied huskily.
He sighed. 'Damn.' "Don't I always?"
"That you do."
He had to shake off his entire existence before he could go back to her. He supposed he should probably see Calisto before the night was through if only to appease her worries he knew she was having about him being depressed and not romantic enough.
Nenette had gotten one rose. The other eleven were for Calisto.
They always were.
She stirred. He pulled back slightly and awaited her awakening. She scrunched her face up and opened her eyes slowly.
"Justin?" she asked groggily.
He grinned. "In the flesh." He held up the roses. "Brought ya something."
She smiled. "Baby, what time is it?" She sat up and looked at the alarm clock on the bedside table.
"Threeish," he replied, not glancing at it.
"What are you doing here?" She turned eyes full of sleep to her boyfriend, squinting slightly.
"I had to bring you your roses," he replied as if it were obvious, again holding up the eleven flowers.
Her face melted into a smile and she took the flowers from him. She smelled them softly, closing her eyes.
"Justin, you didn't have to . . ."
"I wanted to," he interrupted her. "I know you think I'm not being romantic enough and so I decided to negate your fears and sweep you off your feet tonight."
She laughed. "You're so sweet." She kissed his lips softly and smiled as she sat back against her headboard.
He shrugged. "Can't help it."
She looked at him for a moment. "Are you all right, Justin?"
He turned his eyes to hers. "What do you mean?"
She shrugged. "I . . . I don't know," she stammered, lowering her eyes to her lap. "I mean it's just that you've been pretty distant lately, and . . ."
"I know, Calisto," he interrupted, silencing her. He took her hands in his own and squeezed them lightly. "I know I've been weird lately, but that's all going to change. I'm ok, really. I've just had some things on my mind. But it's all taken care of and now I can concentrate on you."
She smiled and he knew she had accepted his bullshit.
"I just worry about you is all," she said quietly.
"I know you do. But you don't have to. I'm fine."
"Ok, Justin. I believe you."
He shrugged. "Appeasing two women," he mumbled, shrugging off his jacket and tossing it onto a chair.
"Come here," she requested, patting the bed next to her.
He dragged his heels over to the bed and slumped onto it, his back facing her. She sat up and put her arms around him, resting her chin on his shoulder.
"Tell me what you did."
He sighed. "Slept with Nenette and did something romantic for Calisto."
"Why?"
He was silent. "You know why," he replied after a moment.
"I want you to tell me."
He shook his head and sighed. "I felt bad for leaving while Nenette was dancing earlier so I could go pick you up and Calisto has noticed me being shady lately, and I didn't want her to start asking too many questions that I don't want to answer."
Jackie nodded as best she could with her chin on his shoulder. "You didn't have to sleep with Nenette," she said.
"Yes, I did."
"No, you didn't."
"I did, Jackie, it wouldn't have been fair if I didn't."
"Fair to who?"
"To her."
"What about you?"
"What about me? I don't matter. This isn't about me." He pulled away from her and stood, leaving her on the bed.
"It is about you, Justin," she insisted. "This is about you. That's all it's about!"
"Jackie!" he yelled, shocking her into silence. He never raised his voice. He immediately felt bad for raising his voice to her and he quickly calmed himself down. "Nothing I do with women is about me. It's about them. It's about them and what they want."
"What about what you want?" she whispered.
He shook his head, turning away from her. His shoulders slumped and he turned back around. "Why are you so concerned with me?"
She didn't answer at first. They were both frozen for a moment in time as they stared at each other. Justin was waiting for an answer she didn't know if she could give.
"Because you deserve it."
He sighed, putting down her note and dropped back onto the bed. Maybe he'd stay there awhile. He needed to be alone for a bit.
He stared up at the ceiling with a neutral expression on his face, his mind completely blank. He closed his eyes and blew out all of his breath slowly.
He had to see Calisto that day and he knew it. If he didn't, everything he had said to her the night before would be canceled out in her mind.
He didn't want to see Calisto. He never really did. He was never in the mood. He knew what she'd want to do, and if he really wanted to get out of it, he'd have to come up with an activity that would require them to be around a lot of people. Sometimes even that didn't stop her.
He thought for a minute about what they could do, and his brain started to hurt. He was giving this too much effort. He might as well just do what made her happy. That's what he always did.
He groaned and brought his hands to his head, rubbing his face. He sighed and sat up. He wanted to go see Nenette again. Sometimes all he needed was a good dancer to clear his head.
He picked up his jacket, pocketed the key, and left the room, the candles still burning in their iridescent glow behind the door.
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