I picture life in pictures. I picture life in stories and in fables and in memories and in emotions. I feel life. I don’t plan it anymore because that didn’t work.
I planned a log cabin on a lake with Thomas Kincade scenery. I planned a loving husband and happiness. I planned to force myself to endure in a marriage that didn’t work for me and to make the best of it and to remain in it for the sake of the children.
And then, those plans were shattered like an expensive wine glass thrown against a stone fireplace. Woke me right up! Sure wasn’t like I planned. Sure wasn’t the same picture that I carried around with me in my back pocket and admired when I had a minute to myself. Wasn’t anything like I thought.
Good lord, I never dreamed I’d be living on a river, mowing my own lawn and paying bills and making it just fine. I never dreamed I would be this happy. I never dreamed I’d find love again. I never dreamed I’d think of myself as 17 again and attractive and full of life. I never dreamed I’d ride horses at this age and rollerblade and lay in the sun at the city pool in a 2-piece blue bathing suit. I never dreamed I’d dive in the waters of the pacific with sea turtles. And I never dreamed I’d be this happy. I remember hating life. I remember crying a lot and being hopeless. I can’t get enough of life right now.
And so knowing what I know now, I have to live in the moment because I lived for years and years for a fantasy that is never going to happen. And oddly enough, this is better. Give me today, give me this moment and no more. I want only this very moment because that’s the only thing that’s real. That’s the only thing I can hold in my hand and feel. That’s the only thing that I know for sure. This very moment is all I want.
There were times when I was driving from the women’s shelter to my daughter’s school, over an hour and a half drive one way. And as I passed by flowers and beautiful homes I would say to her … “Look over there, isn’t that amazing?!” You can’t sum your life up with some big title like “Here I am at the bottom of the barrel and poor me has nothing.” Oh no. You have to learn how to turn your back on those thoughts and how to welcome little small moments into your world.
I have a family that likes to sum up life. They like to have everything neat and orderly and predictable and dependable and clean. I went thru hell and they all stood around with gaping mouths and said “How are you doing this?!” One minute at a time is how. And I made lots of those minutes meaningful, magical, beautiful, and wonderful. I made them that way because I had everything zeroed in on that, everything directed at that, all energy moving into the same place. And that is a powerful thing to do! But you can’t do it when your head is in tomorrow and your feet are in yesterday. You gotta be all together in one place at one time.
I know I can’t explain it well enough, but it’s in my heart. So now instead of picturing that log cabin on that lake and me with an apple pie in my hand and a faithful dog standing at my leg, I picture something else. I picture nothing. Because the only picture I want to deal with is what is in front of my face right now. And that seems to change constantly. But it is very rewarding!
