Written September 16, 2002 from a women’s shelter …
A quiet garden planted outside the shelter, paths in the woods, birds, roses, gentle breezes.
On the serenity statue ... artwork, pictures of women holding their precious children, same as inside the walls, inside the alarms, inside the locked doors.
My roommate brought 2 books with her, put them on the dresser that used to be mine, I moved to the other bed beside of her. walked out our room and glanced down at the dresser to her books ... one was called "the Holy Bible" and the other was something about "How to Help Your Children Succeed." Nurturing women, sharing stories, hugs, love, support, pain.
At night she was helping my oldest with homework, (I hate math!) and I was sitting with her beautiful little girl playing a game. I had held her baby earlier while she showered. He was a doll baby, fit perfectly in my arms too. I kissed his little soft head and was overwhelmed with good thoughts.
When i left for the last time, i hugged the women and the tears flowed because of the pain, because of the support I would miss, because of the sadness we all shared. we made promises to see each other again. i told my roommate "I love you" and she said the same to me. then, i took my children to be handed over to him.
Oddly enough .... there is a lot of beauty in hell. oddly enough, there is enough air to breath in hell. oddly enough, there is love in hell. oddly enough, there are angels in hell. and oddly enough, there is hope in hell.
I am aware of so many things. one of them is about material "stuff" that we surround ourselves with. it has no meaning. i knew that, but couldn't stop living with it. i had nothing that was mine, no nightgowns, no hair appliances, only a couple changes of clothes, no coat or jacket. my beautiful soft leather jacket that I love to run my fingers over, it's still in that house.
The girls brought me my pictures of virginia beach. i cried when i saw that. i asked them to please find it and bring it to me. inside were 2 pens from my sweet friends, Donna and Kathy. And thank God, a journal from Kathy. I'll begin writing in it now. it's probably one of the most precious things I own.
I need to call work, but am so detached from that world right now that i'm not sure if i can. i'm filling out divorce papers in the public library. writing to you here, at the public library. miss my dog, my cats, the flowers i planted a year ago are blooming, but .... there are other flowers to see.
So, as i was driving back and forth between my new world and my old world, i pointed out to the girls .... beautiful things and told them that the worst was probably over now.
The smoking!!! what a temptation!!! what a temptation!!! what a tremendous temptation that was. it was everywhere, everybody smoked. everybody! but i didn't start that again. after you discover that you want to live again, you don't want a new dictator calling the shots for you. i want my own life. and there will be no victory for him there. i will remain free and he can NOT affect my addiction. there is no addiction in my life now.
i'm happier than ever and sadder than ever at the same time. i'm not afraid any more. i'm not listening to threats any more. and that is wonderful.
Listen to your heart because it has always tried to tell you what you need to hear.
