We seem to be intermingling whether we want to or not. I prefer not today. But how can I remove all these loving hands that are resting on my arm, on my forehead, on my back, on my shoulders? How can I remove these hearts that are beating in sync with my own? I know of nothing except cowardice that removes them. And I can’t agree with cowardice as an option, an answer, a solution. It is nothing but the worst of all possible answers. However, if there were no loving hands on me, no children, no mother, no sisters, no friends, and no lover … then I would accept cowardice as the preferable solution.
I would wave goodbye to the trees that not only bloom in wonderous color in the spring, but also fade in blazing glory in the fall. I would thank them for their gifts and their sharing and their life-giving dual existence. And I would also thank the birds that live in those trees and the furry little creature that scamper around the branches. They have all given me so many moments of peace and joy, watching them play.
I would bid adieu to the calming waters that rocked me so many times over the years, from simple ponds to clear lakes to running rivers and finally to the rolling waves of 2 oceans I have tasted. And I would dive to the deepest depth of the deepest ocean to bring a pearl to my lover. Maybe a black one? Something different for somebody so unusual.
And the people I have loved? Oh, I’ll see them again I think. And they are the only thing that holds me here today. I have my hand on the door and am leaning on it and want so badly to open it and walk through to something else, something new, something better, something that makes more sense to me. I guess that door is locked with hearts and hands that are so familiar they seem to have spanned other lifetimes. So many hands, so many strings, so many delicate balances I have to protect and honor. But, if I had my way and there were no hands, no hearts, then I would fling open this door right now and dive through it into the next world without a backward glance or a moment’s hesitation.
And at that second when my feet lift off of this gravity bound earth, I think I would feel such a relief. I don’t think there would be regret following me, playing piggyback with me, regret’s thin little arms linked around my neck. I think there would just be tremendous relief flooded around me in the color of a blazing red trail, like the sunset when there are pinks and blues and golds all mixed together in a grateful moment of reflection.
And my fingertips kiss the door and lovingly trace its intricate pattern that intrigues me so, one more time. I have been here before, caressing this door, testing it, wishing it open, with my back pressed against it. And I will come here again another day, another broken toe day when it’s somebody’s birthday. Goodbye door, you will always be here for me, won’t you? But how I wish I could open you today, right now, this moment. Let me close my eyes and lean on you one more time before I have to turn around and open my eyes to that senseless world again. Let me stand here in your shadow for another minute and wish myself into nothing before I go back. Let me press my lips in a sweet promise of another day.
Did I tell you that I have a broken toe today and it carried me to the license bureau and the auto title office today? I was able to once again act responsibly and change over the title from his name to mine, on his birthday, the last day you can legally do so. And I have new plates that mean nothing, no designer name, no cute little snappy title, no witty statement. On the way back to the old car in the parking lot, I walked by a state liquor store and bought 3 magic potions to help take away the pain. I can’t wait to drive home tonight and celebrate a birthday, a broken toe and a lawn that needs mowed. How many steps on a broken toe does it take to mow the lawn and complete the job before I can go through that door?!!! How many more?
My good friend, Elenor won't mind that I borrowed this today from her. I love it! Thank you Elenor!
If you could get rid of yourself just once, the secret of secrets would open to you. The face of the unknown, hidden beyond the universe would appear on the mirror of your perception (Rumi)
