First of all, I think I'd just resign from my role as Mother. My children were one of the reasons why I stopped. I had 2 sets of children. I had 2 children when I was very young and then 10 years passed and I had 2 children when I was very old! {ha ha}
You feel differently about it when you're older. You start thinking about whether or not you'll be there when.... When they graduate from high school. When they graduate from college. When they get married. When they have children. When they need you. You don't know when they might need you. They might need you 20 years from now. You might be 80. You should be there.
I always ask myself one question before I go for that pack of cigarettes (which I never do!) and that question is this: "Who would it disappoint?" I love those kids so much.
I guess you might say I visited the future in that split second and pictured them without me around. I heard their conversation and the word "cigarettes" came up more than once. "Mom just couldn't quit those cigarettes." And then a lot of head shaking and some tears.
I know it's fantasy and I know it's all made up. And I know it's very very sad when I do this. But it's a lot better than what I used to do.
I used to say to myself "Well, we all gotta go somehow, right?" How pathetic! Finally I got some nerve and some willpower. I have no idea where it came from. I think an angel in heaven dropped it in my lap, and for once I caught it! I think I always stood up before and let it slide off onto the floor and then walked away. This time, I just caught it and treasured it.
You all have it. Just have to find the one thing that motivates you the most. You know what it is too. You always know what that thing is cause it touches your heart when you think about it. Mine has always been my missing out on the kids lives. Cause half of them came along late in my life. So, that's what mine has been.
I always asked myself "Is it worth it? Is that cigarette worth the day those kids have to wish I was there and the realization that Mom just didn't have enough will power to make it happen?" So, that's who I thought about the day I quit, and that's what I think about today if I'm tempted.
I drag those poor children with me biking and I see their little bodies up ahead of me on the trail and I thank God for that angel who was kind enough to drop some willpower in my lap that day. I remember that date too, never will forget it. 2/2/01 Neat number, huh?
Who would you disappoint if?
