I work hard all week (dammit) and when the weekend comes, I look forward to being entertained by my good friend; TV set.
So here?s my question; why does weekend TV bite the big one? Hard? I have 900 channels where I live ? 800 of which are music channels ? and there is nothing on that I want to watch. Nothing.
And I?m very easy to entertain, really I am. Hell, I used to watch ?Flipper?. I even remember the theme song:
They call him Flipper, Flipper,
faster than lightning.
No one you see,
is smarter than he?
Get the idea? I?m not a tough customer.
But it seems that television stations also take the weekend off. They throw in an old videotape of their kid?s birthday party and head out the door with their golf clubs. Hello? Is anybody there? I?d like to be entertained, please.
And what is their response?
Here, here?s an infomercial starring Christy Brinkley and Walker; Texas Ranger, spreading their legs on a machine you can buy. And after that, we have another infomercial starring some fat guy in a chef?s uniform cutting cans and bricks with kitchen knives you can buy. And after that, we have Davy Jones hawking a CD collection of the best one-hit-wonders of the sixties you can buy. How?s that for entertainment?
Frankly, it bites. Infomercials are the cockroaches of television; once you see one, you know there are hundreds more around on other channels. Saturday and Sunday are infomercial heaven for TV stations. Now mind you, Sunday has never been a great day for television, at least until prime time, but infomercials make Lamp Unto My Feet look like The Soprano?s by comparison.
So I haul out the TV magazine from my local paper and flip through in the hopes of finding something I want to watch, all in vain.
SATURDAY 5:00 pm
2 WB ?Yo-yo Homie? ? Comedy.
4 CBS NFL Pre-Pre-Pre Game Show ? Dick Enberg, Soupy Sales.
6 PBS ?Who Cares?? ? Discussion.
7 ABC Bowling ? World Championship.
9 NBC Soccer ? Los Angeles Girlieboys vs. New Jersey Sissies (Live).
12 PBS ?Caterpillars!? ? How they eat (Part 2 of 3).
14 TELE. Cine, ?Los Tres Ritz Hermanos Encontrar la Gorila? ? Comico policia cazar asesino. 1939. 66 minutos
20 UPN ?What?s Your Problem?? ? Game.
23 Ind. ?For God?s Sake!? ? Religious Discussion.
31 FOX Monkeys and Footballs ? Video clips.
41 Ind. The Yawning Pastor ? ?Who does God?s laundry??
50 UNIV ?Que?? - Discusion.
53 Ind. Paid Program: Ron Popeil hawks his latest plastic thing.
57 TRIN ?Send Money or go to Hell? ? Telethon.
59 PAX Diagnosis Drunk and Disorderly ? A doctor (Dick Van Dyke) has a few too many and talks loud late at night.
63 TEL ?Pecho Gigante? ? Documental con Dolly Parton, Charro, Raquel Welch, Madonna, y Marilyn Monroe.
A&E Inspector Fatzlob of the Yard ? British.
AMC ?Rain Man? ? See listing for Mon: 1:30, 6:00, 10:30. Tue: 12:00, 4:00, 6:00, 10:00. Wed: 4:30, 6:00, 8:00, 10:30, 12:00. Thu: 1:00, 3:00, 5:00, 7:00, 9:00, 11:00. Fri: 2:00, 4:00, 6:00, 8:00, 10:00, 12:00.
AP ?Animals are People? ? Host, Anson Williams.
BET Rap Legends ? Vanilla Ice.
BRV Inside the Actor?s Studio ? Guest; Lee Majors
CNBC Hardball with Chris Matthews ? Yelling and screaming.
CNN Iraqi Propaganda with Wolf Blitzer.
COM Saturday Night Live ? A really bad one from 1980 with Denny Dillon and Charles Rocket.
COURT TV Live Trial Coverage ? Littering case.
CSPAN Live Senate Coverage ? Robert Byrd mumbles (60 min.).
CSPAN 2 Book Notes ? Melvin Portzbie, author of ?Hitler?s Toothbrush?.
DISC Amazing Inventions ? ?The Nail? (60 min).
DISN ?Honey, I Murdered the Kids? ? Comedy (90 min).
E! The E! True Hollywood Story ? ?Joe DeRita?.
ESPN College Basketball ? San Fernando State Teacher?s College vs. Specs Howard School of Broadcast Arts. (Tape)
ESPN 2 High School Basketball ? Dexter vs. Monroe (Tape)
ESPN 3 Jr. High School Basketball ? Shirts vs. Skins (Live)
ESPN 4 Tag ? World Championship. Colorado State is ?it?.
FAM ?G. Willikers? ? Bob (Mike Farrell) finds a button on the floor. (60 min).
FOX NEWS Iraq War Coverage ? Geraldo Rivera reports from Iceland.
FOOD ?Sandwiches!? ? This week; Egg Salad.
FX Movie: ?Rain Man? (90 min)
HGTV ?Drawers!? ? This week; Bureaus.
HIST ?Hitler?s Toothbrush? ? from the best selling book by Melvin Portzbie.
LIFE ?Gab, Gab, Gab? ? Discussion.
MSNBC The Peter Arnett Show ? Guest; Osama bin Laden.
MTV Skanks of Rock ? This week; Courtney Love.
NICK The Bob Spongy Pants and Bob the Building Maintenance Guy Hour.
OUTLF Shooting at Things ? This week; Cans.
SCI-FI Star Trek: Deep Despair 9 ? Louie Anderson stars as Capt. Dullard.
TBS Cable Ace Test Pattern Awards ? Host; Bob Barker.
TCM ?Rain Man? (90 min)
TLC ?Let?s Clean That Floor?.
TNN Date the Blind ? Game.
TNT Afternoon Movie: ?Rain Man? (90 min)
TOON The Pound Puppies meet The Hair-Bear Bunch Hour.
TVLD Vintage Tornado Warnings.
USA The Making of ?Rain Man?.
VH1 Behind the Music ? This week; Bay City Rollers.
WGN Chicago Cubs Rain Delay Theater ? ?Rain Man? (90 min).
If, as Newton Minnow once stated, television is a vast wasteland, then weekend
television is the long-abandoned sewage farm of the vast wasteland.
I?m taking up stamp collecting.