June 11, 2003.
So. Second day at work today. It's been going alright. Decided to make this site because it's easier to type than write things by hand. I just hope I don't end up forgetting the login/password stuff. That tends to happen with me. Things with Alison. Well... they're weird. Like... I know she won't make an effort... I don't really want to... I don't think anything is going to change for the time being. Who knows. Maybe it never will. Maybe this is the beginning of the end... or did it begin... 3 months ago? Haven't talked to each other since those 2 notes... on Monday she kind of gave me a timid smile in the hall but I pretended not to see. It's all or nothing for me. If we're not going to try and make things good, I'm not putting up with her bullshit and not giving any of my own. This is the way it's gonna be. I haven't had too much trouble not thinking about it or stressing over it... like, I care, obviously, but... I've managed to keep it off my mind overall. I think this summer could go either way... we could not say a word to each other the whole time (which I can completely see happening) or... we could end up in the same social situation at some points and be forced to talk.. or.. just kind of ignore each other but be polite. I keep finding myself wondering if she actually will miss being friends with me... or... has....... Or if she's found so many replacements and has so many other friends it's not that big of a deal at all. That's kind of the way it feels. Steve slept at her house not last night but the night before I think. So much for me being proud of all that... that kind of thing is just sending all this hard work backwards completely. Part of me's like... wow, how could she do this... but then again, I haven't been around her, involved in her life, etc. for a LONG time. Who knows what went on, I sure don't know for sure... maybe she didn't actually cut things off with him completely anyway. I obviously don't know as much about her life as I used to and I obviously don't know her as well as I thought. I think those are some of the harder things I'm beginning to understand. Bah. Fuck it. Shit happens.
I haven't been making any effort to talk to Alison... so we haven't been talking. And then today after work I was walking to the video store and I saw her on the road with Shannon... and I said hey (kind of mostly for Shannon's sake actually)... and then Alison was like, "Hey how are you" and I said fine... and didn't really stop walking... and then she said, "You going to get a movie?" and I was just like yup and kept going. RAH. Like, I know I'm not making this any easier, but I don't want all this fake shit. To me, it's either we make a decision to make this better, we BOTH do... or we just end it because I'm not going to sit back while she occasionally decides I'm lucky enough for her to grace me with a smile or wave. And apparently she has a bigger "wall" with me, so it's not like she's going to be like, ok, let's make this better. I'm not the one that's mostly in the wrong here. Steve's been hanging around her... Lucie told me today that Alison told her that Steve said to her he wished he'd never broken up wiht her... fuck. I don't even really care about that any more. I am no longer part of her life enough that I can even care. Whatever it is... I think it'll be a while before thigns ever get back to the way they were... if they ever do. The thing is. It pisses me off when Rosanna and Lucie (especially Lucie) are complaining about Alison... like... in my head I'm just like, at least she seems like she wants to be friends with you. At least her "wall" isn't as BIG. I know I shouldn't be resenting them for it and I'm not really but these things just go through my head. It's always been like she's favoured them... like, not once has she invited me to go to Duncan with her, she hardly ever called me, even when we were friends. I dunno. It's just like it's always been kind of different with me. Not that that's a BIG deal, especially now... that's chicken shit. But whatever. I also think the fact that I've generally quit smoking/drinking etc. has played a role in all this, even though she'd never admit it... just how right when I got caught and said I was stopping it was just like automatically her and Lucie stop telling me about "get-togethers" at Alisons... almost like they're hiding it from me. I'd rather just be asked about it and then decide for myself whether I want to go or not. RAAAAH. okay. I'm going to go bring my dogs in and watch a movie probably. I think I'm going to try and talk to Voerman more at school. Even though there's only like... 4 days left. Fuck, exams next week. I'm stressed. Okay.
Well, school's over. Just got back today from 2 weeks in Scotland. It wasn't too bad, got to see the cities more this time rather than usually seeing mainly the countryside. Stayed with Jane and Richard for the majority of the trip, spent 2 nights at Janette's and one night at Jean's. Richard... well. This was my first time meeting him, and I think he is a very nice guy, but I don't think it was good to live with him for that long right away, especially in a small one-bedroom apartment. He means well, but he behaves as though I'm younger than I am and can't take care of myself... he kind of throttled me, so to speak. He also has a habit of speaking for people, mainly me and Jane. It bothered me. I think I might've been a little bit on the rude side at times but he was getting on my nerves... I wasn't too bad though. Mostly I just kind of stood up for myself. He reminds me a LOT of Dad. It also pissed me off how by the end he kept saying stuff like, "I bet you're really excited about going home and finally getting away from me!" blah blah blah and so on. What kind of position is that? Get some fucking self esteem. Don't come crying to me asking for me to say "no, it was a wonderful time, don't say that." while I'm really thinking "if you keep saying shit like that then yes. I'll be even happier to get rid of you." Overall though, the trip was quite nice. Managed to buy quite a bit of stuff... Now I'm home though I'm gonna have to call up work and pay it all off.
I called Alison today. I was kind of nervous at first... but then we started talking and kept talking for about half an hour. I'm really glad I called... I think we kind of have an unspoken understanding now... that yes, things happened, things were said, but we're both sorry and we needed that time apart. She's going to come over tomorrow and the plan is we camp in my backyard overnight... provided Mum doesn't go all retarded because it's Alison. I hate that she's like that... though I guess I can understand it to a point. But.............. bah. And then she'll be all like, "why do you want to sleep outside when we have plenty of beds inside?" Mum, that's not the point. Oh well. I'll manage to convince her probably, I just don't tend to enjoy the conversations required to do the convincing.
During our conversation Alison told me a story Rose had told her... and will probably tell me if I can ever get ahold of her. She got reeeeeally really drunk and was stumbling all around the road... almost got thrown in the drunk tank by a cop, told him to fuck himself... she went with Amber to go home and went into the wrong house. Plus she puked all over her bed and slept in it. Man... I can just imagine what she's thinking about it all... heh. It's funny, but I just know Rose will not find it funny. She probably feels pretty ashamed of herself. Which I can understand. Not that she should, everyone does dumb things, but just that I know her personality and it's a lot like mine, and if I'd done that I'd just be kicking myself. I want to go visit her soon, though I might find it hard getting time off work... it's already bad enough that I took 2 weeks off right from the start. Oh well, I'll see how the schedule goes. If it ends up that I don't work on a Saturday and Monday that would be good. Who knows. Oh, I got the job at E.N.I.T.Y. and so did Alison and Chelsey Slack. It'll be fun doing that with Al... Also, Ryan shaved his head and got a job at Mum's, but it's at the warehouse, not the bakery. So that sucks... it would've been fun working with him. Heh, he and Kara Westnedge apparently hooked up. And Rachel and Steve are going out. Oh, and apparently Carl ate out Kara and then puked all over the place. And he HADN'T been drinking. Oh man........ that's so bad. Heheh. sick.
Bah. Well. Yesterday I got my first paycheck, it was for $118. Considering that I was only doing mainly 2-hour shifts for those 2 weeks then it's not too bad. My next one though will be for only 3 days and it will be for more, which is kind of funny. Today I opened a bank account, that's one thing overwith. Then me and Emma and mum went out for lunch... and then I talked to Alison and she said she'd be over in an hour... 3 hours later I go on msn and she's like "I'll be right there I'm just leaving". So I just met her halfway with Molly and then we walked up to Francis's and she paid him money she owed him. Apparently they're buddies now....I dunno. We are normal with each other.... but it's still not completely like old times just because there's so many things we weren't... a part of together. I dunno.
We hung out in my room and talked a bit... it was fine, like old times.... Apparently Rachel and Steve broke up. And then Joel came over... and even though it was... alright.. it was just kind of... dumb. It was mostly all quiet and then even though me and Joel would talk sometiems or we'd all be talking there were still quite a few times where I felt kind of... third wheel-ish. And since they'd gone camping last night they were both all talking about it, and I'm just sitting there like ladidaa.. don't mind me. That's another thing... whereas before I went to all the gettogethers and stuff... now I'm just, not part of it. It's hard. And I'd like to be there... but Mum's so fucking retarded about it and I'm sick of it and aaaaaah. I don't think I want to smoke pot, I would maybe drink sometime but I wouldn't get drunk and it's not like I can't say no if I want to. Bah.
Anyway, Mike Hatcher came over... and we hung out in my room a bit and they wanted to drink and smoke and we started talking about going to the brown property blah blah blah and Alison was like to both of them "oh you can sleep at my house" even though I'd already talked to her about her sleeping over..... and then we went over to joels and saw his kittens (so cute) and it was retarded when we were there. It was Mike sitting on the stair, me next to him, Alison next to me with her back facing to me sitting closely to Joel. And then she would say something about being cold and he would rub her back. Or we'd be getting up to go and he'd help her up. Or she'd complain about walking and he'd offer her a piggyback. Bah oh well. After that I just came home because I knew my mum wouldn't let me go out. And now it's about... an hour and a half or so later and Alison's on msn and says she can't see what I'm typing... so it's fucked. And she's typing all weird so she might be baked. I dont know. But I'm considering MAYBE sneaking out later and going over there.. possibly...... oh I don't know. baaaaaaaahhhh.
Haven't written on here in a while. Oh well. I guess that's the way it goes. Back at school now. Things with Alison are pretty much back to normal. She's "with" this guy named Justin Riley right now, and I'm happy for them. Chemistry 12 is hell. I'm so scared about the Provincial... I can't just fuck around. It effects my whole life. I'm hoping to go live and work in Scotland this summer... if all goes well. I'm so excited, it'll be fucking awesome. I want to meet new people and get OUT of Qualicum... plus I've been talking to Jamie and sounds like we'll have a bundle of fun. He's talking about heading down to England to see some sort of metal/punk music festival, which would be sweet... I'm hoping to stay with Jean and Ron and get a job in Aberdeen, but if that doesn't work out my mum thinks Jane and Richard will still live there (though I'm not too sure about living with them) and Jamie says I could always live with him if he lives in Edinburgh, however I might kinda feel like I was imposing. I kind of have a little teensy crush on Jamie, but I feel silly about it so am choosing to ignore it. He's a pretty cool guy though, (friend-wise). I'm interested to know if he smokes the mary-jane. Not that I care, I'm just interested. It's crossed my mind. I'm not sure how I would go about bringing it up with him though, he might tell Richard...who would tell Jane...etc., etc. Today I bought the Donnie Darko DVD, Van Wilder's National Lampoon DVD, the Katatonia "Viva Emptiness" CD, and The Cure's "Faith" CD. They're pretty good so far. My DVD collection is building... for Christmas I got Pink Floyd's "The Wall" DVD & Road Trip, and for my birthday I got Wayne's World from Ewan & Darcie. Tomorrow is New Year's Eve... spending it partying would be nice, but I think I'll just wait... only about... another year or 2 before I am free. I think I'd rather spend the night bored but keeping my parents happy rather than fuck things up with them just to get drunk. I'm just... not in that mind-frame. I hung out with Whitney last night briefly... it was pretty good. A good ol' Spencer-bash. We're starting to become better friends again and I'm glad. The biggest thing keeping us is our conflicting schedules.. which is kind of a pain. I have a job at QF but have not started yet. I need to go in there and pick up some shite. I also got a call today about a new piano student, so I've shoved her in right after the other one on Wednesdays as well. I hope this one's as easy as the other one. Lucie's in L.A. for the week right now visiting her dad, and Rose is in Tofino. I haven't really talked to Alison the last few days... just not got around to it, I guess. I don't really hang out with the stoner kids as much. I talk to them at school, etc... but I'm not exactly part of that "group" as much any more. Say, a year ago, I always knew what was going on, etc... but now I'm just kind of... never there. Which, I cared about at first, but don't any more. It never seems to change with them... and even if I feel kind of retarded/left out for the time being, I know that I have my priorities, and I have it "together", to an extent. I would rather have a plan and be sticking to it and get somewhere rather than spend my high school career smoking pot and skipping school, and end up pumping gas, having JUST graduated from school, if at all. I don't know. I know not all of them will end up that way, but I know some will. It makes me sad. I want to get somewhere. I want out of this town.. out of this province... I guess I kind of also want to be able to "start anew" socially... I'm excited about University and dorms and meeting new people and partying with new people and being able to do whatever I want and... getting out. Yes. Rosanna is such a good friend to me. I hate to say it, but I can't really see myself keeping in great contact with Lucie and Alison after high school... As much as I'd like to say I will. I just hope I stay in contact with Rose. I'm so fucking cold right now. I am also excited about going to university and talking to guys and meeting new guys... here, I dunno. I don't feel the need to "flirt" or whatever you want to call it, basically because I don't feel very attracted to many of the people around here, and just because when I am it's retarded small-towny and I feel like I shouldn't let anyone know because it'll be such a big deal. Somewhere else... not everyone knows each other... there's more... "mystery". Bah. I want to do more art... get into colours and hopefully painting and such. If I am actually serious about this architecture thing, art will be a big part of it, and although I feel like my sketches are good, I can't do shit for other stuff, not to mention buildings. AAh I am afraid. Fuck... am I setting my standards to high? I don't know. I feel like I shouldn't get my hopes up about McGill, but, how am I supposed to get anywhere if I don't set goals? afianejflnasjklncjaskldnfjklanmdfnlda UNtil next time...
