life is much better. i got a new job. i have a boyfriend that i love and all that sappy stuff. i don't really like where i live though. it's ok.

here i am again
i'm not sure if anyone even looks at this anymore. if no one does, that's fine with me. i don't really have time for it anyway. this whole being adult and living a different life is more challenging that i first thought. maybe it's just because my crazy hours. or that i have no social life. or that my chef demands the world from us. whatever it is, it is certainly daunting at times to figure out what's going on. waking up at 5 am gets old quickly...and when you're always exhausted, it's difficult to actually be able to do stuff at nights. that, and almost all of my friends are over 21 and go to things where i am unable to go. and when i say friends, i mean the 5 or so people that i actually know their first and last names, and have seen them about six times in my life. that's a little depressing. i really like where i live though. the henricks are great. they really are. i do need to find my own place sometime though. i realize that all this sounds pretty dismal and hopeless. i'm trying to positive. i know it will get better once i get used to everything. until then, the loneliness sets in, and i get to work to forget about that. *sigh* i'll just keep telling myself that it will all get better. i need to give it time. time supposedly heals everything...i hope it works in this instance. otherwise, i couldn't take much more of this.

"cuddling close to blankets and sheets, i am alone in my defeat"

sorry i haven't been too keen on keeping this updated. i'm busy.

i can't say that i fully know how to describe what the last week has been like for me. every day, i feel exhausted. never have i felt so worthless and useless. i get to work by 5:45 am each day and instantly become part of a huge rush. we get a break for lunch, thank God. but, that's only after working between six and seven hours. i do things as well as i know how to--it's still not good enough. it's like i wake up every morning knowing i'm going to fail. and, since it's so stressful and i'm not used to the hours, i'm constanly exhausted. never have i felt so fatigued. after i'm finished working, i get to do at least one type of homework each night. every night, i have to write in my journal what i did that day in exact detail. and everything better be perfect, because chef reads it and tells me what i'm doing wrong. this weekend, i had two extra homework assignments. it's just so much to take right now. i know it will get better. i know i will grow to love what i'm doing. right now, it's just so hard to get used to. this is much harder than school ever was; nothing i did before this could have prepared me for what i was going to face. i'm getting there. i'm sure this week will be much better than last. at least i won't have the first week gitters anymore.

it's difficult to know that your friends are hundreds of miles away. i don't know anyone here well enough to actually hang out with them. it's very lonely. kyle came to visit me this weekend, though. that made things a lot better, to have someone here that i know. once again, it's one of those things that i realize will get better with time. it's just getting to that point that's so difficult.

well, i'm off again...

i'll update it more later, i promise

work is crazy. i've never been so tired, hungry, and stressed in my entire life. but, i love it

my new family is cool, i like living here

more later

I'M MOVING ON WITH MY LIFE



leaving tomorrow

well, it's official...i'm moving out of my house for the last time on friday. i can't believe that my vacation is almost over, and i'm starting work on monday. i think i'm ready to start though. i'm done with all this, and ready to move on with the rest of my life. time to get stuff done

so kyle left today for north carolina. it once again proved that my parents love him more than me. when they dropped me off in north carolina, it was just a "hey, i'll see you later." when kyle left, they were all crying and hugging him like there was no tomorrow. i jokingly pointed this out. they really didn't know how to refute it. that's it. it's official. i am the unwanted child.

i really need something to do with my time. when you have nothing to do is when you really miss people the most. then i realized something. all the people that i really care about and expected to talk to, i have. obviously, i wish i was with them, but at least i know they still think about me. that doesn't always help the loneliness...but i know that whenever i need to hear a friendly voice, you're just a phone call away. thank you...

it's been a week since i've graduated, and i have yet to do something useful with myself. cassie was home this week, which is always a good time, even in our lovely town. but alas, she went back to school today. on wednseday, they rented harleys again, so i went along. there's nothing like knowing that the only thing keeping you from death is how much you can hold on. i had fun though. kyle is leaving tomorrow to go to nc for the summer. what a miserable state. hopefully he likes his job, but i still won't be able to see him until at least august. my room still hasn't been cleaned...it looks like a bomb went off. i'm definitely putting that one off for as long as possible. i miss everyone, of course. it's not exactly like there's stuff around here to take my mind off everyone. just know that i miss you, and i'm thinking of you. time to go start my day

well, i'm home now after a few stressful goodbyes. as much as i wanted to leave that place, it was incredibly difficult to leave those that i've grown fond of. this is the beginning of a new part of my life, i know. but for now, it's just sitting around in the middle of nowhere, pa, doing nothing but missing everyone. i do have to start getting my life in order so i can move again. until then, know that i'm thinking of you